FUCK YOU COMPUTER! FUCK YOU!

There was a nice long post I wrote, and lost, about wanting to skydive on my 18th birthday, and about how at exactly 3:17 today- I know because I wrote it down- I went from HATING Jewel's "standing still" with a passion to really, really liking it. Then I talked about how the best thing in the world, or one of the best things in the world, is the moment the meaning of a song clicks for you, and you realize that you understand and identify, all of a sudden. So rather than waste time giving you anymore detail than that on the post, lost forever to that damn little X in the corner, let's all bow our heads in a moment of a silence and give these lyrics a looksie. (Most of them are really fucking trite, but there are, like, three lines in there that are amazing. See if you can pick them out!)

Cuttin' through the darkest night in my two headlights
Trying to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here to the twilight
There's a dead end to my left, there's a burning bush to my right
You aren't in sight, you aren't in sight

Do you want me, like I want you?
Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
Was that you passing me by?

Mothers on the stoop, boys in souped-up coupes on this hot summer night
Between fight and flight is the blind man's sight and the choice that's right
I roll the window down, feel like I'm gonna drown in this strange town
Feel broken down, I feel broken down

Do you need me, like I need you?
Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
Was that you passing me by?

Sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow
Sweet sorrow is the call tomorrow

Do you love me, like I love you?
Or am I standing still, beneath the darkened sky?
Or am I standing still, with the scenery flying by?
Or am I standing still, out of the corner of my eye?
Was that you passing me by?
Are you passing me by? (Passing me by)
Do you want me? (Passing me by)
Do you need me, like I need you too?
And do you want me, like I want you?
Are you passing me by?







Well, are you? On with it!

I really really want to write something bitter about something, but I can't, because of the nature of the bitter thing....I know, I'm rambling. This feels like it should be in a tiny little font. Perhaps I'll put it in one.

stupid motherfucking sonofabitch, I feel like being angry, like feeling cheated, like feeling like this isn't my fault- of COUSRE it's my fault, who else's fault is it going to be? Grumble grumble grumble, stupid bitch, grumble. Tiny-fonted grumbling self-centered stupid bitch. That's me me me ME.

The HTML's probably messed up on that. It's been a while since I've done such a cryptic, mildly insane post, though. Hooray for the good ol' days.

On with it.

"And if I die today I'll be the happy phantom."

:-) Not really true at all- if I died today, I'd be the extremely confused phantom. The perpetually floating in befuddlement phantom. But if I died while I was listening to that song, I'd be the happy phantom, at least until it was over.

"Sometimes
I think you want me to touch you
How can I
When you build the great wall around you?
In your eyes
I saw a future together
You just look away
In the distance."

I'm all about Tori Amos right now. But I gotta install my digital cable before 9....so as much as I'd like to write, I mustn't.

Be the Happy Phantom! Go chasing nuns out in the yard! On with it!

And Andrew takes the quote of the day!

" Life is about experiencing the new and unusual."

Unfortunately, without knowing the context around that, you wouldn't know how bitterly HILARIOUS that is.

Ah, fuck, gotta love him. I'm going to be laughing at that one for a long time. Feel free to ask what the set up to that was, though I might not be able to tell you.

Off to brush my teeth and pick up my paycheck.

I haven't updated lately, things that have been going on have been private, but soon I'll have more to say, and more time to say it. Suffice to say, I'm in a weird place right now.

"There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do ya?But remember when I moved in you?
And the holy dove was moving to?
And every breath we drew was
Hallelujah..."

This song is still, and will always be, amazing. There's a version with a verse I haven't heard yet by Bono...but I'm gone. Hallelujah.

On with it.

"When your day is long
And the night
The night is yours alone
When you're sure had enough
of this life
Well, hang on...
Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes."

Great song. I wonder how many lives this has saved.

I hurt. Things are really difficult right now.

But hell, if it weren't one thing, it'd be another.

I seem to be attracted to chronically late people/people who don't like to set times and shit/magnets.

"They're magnetized."
"And if our hands were metal, that would mean something."

It's been a really long time since I've seen the movie. I feel like renting it. If I can afford my current late fees.

My mother is in a really inconsiderate mood. It's pissing me off. There are so many aspects of her I don't want to inherit.

I'm typing with my eyes closed, because I'm listening to "Roxane" from Moulin Rouge, a song I've voiced my opinions of beofre, several times in fact, if not more.

And now onto "If it's Hurting you" by Robbie Williams, next on the playlist, then "Screaming Infidelities", then "Without or Without You", "Everybody Hurts", "Love on the Rocks", "If You're gone", and "Time and Time Again", then it loops. That last one makes me miss Nick. Wonder if he ever checks this anymore.

Probably not.

Mr. Ladd's on vacation so I won't see him on monday, and I didn't see him last monday, or the monday before that. I could e-mail him where he is, but I don't want to bother...though it's going to be a bitch updating him when he comes back, a lot's happened. I'd really like to know his thoughts on the current situation, but I think I could pretty much predict them. Or fucking Mr. Hall's. Adults don't seem to think that younger people's relationships are very important. Or something. I still have to pass in my logbook(s) to Mr. Hall...gonna do that with some big-ass, postage paid pre-addressed envelopes, so he can write his comments and then send it snail-mail back to me.

Jeff's supposed to be calling or showing up soon.

According to certain people- myself agreeing- I'm "all over the place tonight". You think so?

I should go. I'm rambling. On with it.

I've been writing a lot lately, not on here as much as the newsletter- which I skipped last week but hopefully won't neglect tomorrow (prepare for 18!) and poetry. I've been surrounding myself with inspirational people, I guess.

Things are changing very rapidly right now- let's take, for one example out of many, school- went from being in school, to being near the end of school, to taking finals, to doing marching practice, to graduating on sunday (assuming my english grade's all set...oh please oh please oh please) to having the whole summer free of academic stress...and chock-full of flame-broiled BK goodness.

And if this were the only major change in my life coming up, I could adjust somwhat better than I am. But will see how it goes.

Wish me luck, though. Tonight is going to be somewhat...difficult. For a good cause though- sometimes, you have to cut your losses. I just don't quite know what my losses are yet.

To quote a country song that Jenn's got me hooked on- as only my heterosexual life mate could do-

"I?ve found you find strength in your moments of weakness...
I?ve been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I?m movin? on"

Maybe. Guess we'll find out. On with it.

Gah! I wrote something on dysphorena, decided it was better suited for here, went to copy and paste it and apparently messed up, so I'll have to rewrite the whole thing again:

The story of King Solomon is as follows: Two women, both staking claim to an infant, go to the reputedly wise King to ask his advice in settling their dispute. Upon hearing their story, the King's advice is simply that they cut the child down the middle and each take half. Unable to bear the thought of causing the baby so much harm, one woman insists that, instead, they baby should merely be given to the other. King Solomon than declares that she- who forfeited her claim for the child's sake- is the true mother, for only the true mother would value the baby's welfare so unselfishly.

As it happens, there was also a version of this story told on the old Nickolodeon Show, Salute Your Shorts, involving a prize-winning frog and two campers. Damn, I miss that show.

Ultimately, it is a story about two people who want something, and the one that loves it more is the one who is willing to give it up for it's own sake. Without giving too much detail, there is a fairly similar situation conspiring for me right now. Both sides have there merits, but in the end, who would you want to be with? The one who cares more about you and your welfare than about themselves, or someone who'd be contented to spill your froggy guts across the cabin? (Note: this is an unfair comparison to make, I was going for juxtaposition....which is a rather bitterly ironic word to use in this.)

Choices can be difficult....but according to at least one person, I'm "too good to worry."

God, I love you.

On with it.

When I find something to say again, I'll say it. I'm not dead or anything.

oN WItH iT!

Hmmm..no link. Find it your damn self.

(I'm silent bob???)

On with it.

Apparently, that's a different Katie, too- not so much Katie P as a "Bi Ben Folds Five Chick."

So i've just done a compatibility thing with a random boston girl.

Hi random boston girl! We're 79% compatibile and 78% complimentary.

On with it again.