Thursday, April 04, 2002

I'm getting so used to posting on the Pit- which has been almost my sole source of "excitement" for the past few days, that I started out this post originally by typing my tag out of habit.

It's been a while since I've bothered- something about being in public takes away my edge on this stuff- not as easy to be emotional and I can't just sit and stare until I have something to say, or else it looks like I'm wasting time....instead of looking like I'm working dilligently when, in reality, I'm wasting time.

Today is thu-thu-thu-thu-thu-THURSDAY, which means tomorrow is friday and I get to see Jeff. This used to be more excitement than it should have been, but since we've started dating I've managed to put a curve on that...if the phrase "put a curve on" actually MEANS anything. Today, however, I'm nervous for tomorrow- it's been a long week and lately I haven't been able to find as much refuge in him as I'd like, though in certain situations I've found more than I was expecting, and tomorrow has a lot of potential to be tense due to the fact that Jeff has recently become very involved in a tooth-and-nail argument on the pit. An argument, I might specify, that was pretty much completely with Maldoror.

Maldoror, who's real name I believe is Ray, is the one person on the pit that has any real importance to me. He is a pit elder who has been posting there since waaay before my last stint at the pit about a year ago. Even then, when I didn't get along with him a lot of the time, he was still the one I enjoyed the most.....or perhaps not THE one, but definitely A one....if that made any sense. He was the only one I ever talked to outside of the pit, on IM, and I managed to lift him up to the position of a mentor...of sorts. He was a stubborn egotist (and, technically, still is), but I- if blindly- valued his advice on writing and followed him like a puppy dog for the most part. This didn't prevent me from getting into my share of arguments with him, but, in general, I was sort of a Mal groupie. Sometimes he treated me like he hated me, sometimes he acknowledged me as being one of the respectable pitsters, but I pretty much regarded him through the thick and the thin, because no one is consistently nice on the pit, anyway.

I got tired of the pit and stayed away for a long time, but I came back. I need it. It's, sickly enough, the essence of part of me. Farbeit for me to pretend to understand why a simple site with a black background where a bunch of bastards take the liberty of saying whatever they want has grown into my soul, but it's there. Maybe it's my chance to feel heard, maybe it's my chance to be real, maybe it's just another way for me to find people that I can grow to adore. Case in point- Mal. Now that I'm back at the pit for the second time, he and I are much closer- if the word close can apply to people who've never so much as heard each other's voices and have no genuine interest in the details of each other's lives outside of the virtual realm. I've e-mailed him one of my stories for his advice and, after getting a response which was the most inadvertently insulting thing I've ever heard ("Your prose reminds me of poetry I wrote in high school"), I aspire to write something that will show him that I'm capable of more than the sickeningly emotional and grossly verbose. I want to write something that will make Mal laugh, or make him think, or hell, make him masturbate- I'm just looking for Mal's approval as a writer. A real writer. Not just a high schooler with potential- we're ALL high schoolers with potential. But what I am, and what I want him to know I am, is a high school aged writer with ENORMOUS potential. I want him to be eagerly awaiting what will happen to me and my infamous name in the future, as I've done to so many other adults (she flattered herself.).

After that insult- which I found much more amusing than offensive (that he could be so oblivious as to how awfully it came out) he more than made up for it- Mal is a man of extremes, and when I posted my picture on the pit, which was a frighteningly risky action, considering the esteem-destroying vibe of the pitsters on any given day, Mal jumped forward and gave me the best compliment of my entire life, which I will now quote without his permission:

"One day Suedecaramel is going to bloom into that rare example of my dream girl - a beautiful, intellectual woman.
And when I say that, the word ‘woman’ slides off the tongue with a wetness and fullness that implies curves and movements and a beautiful thing in-itself. Wou - man... Femininity par excellence.
I’d stay in contact with her just so I could propose in 3 or so years, but I already found my dream girl and soulmate, so there's some other hip, romantic savant out there just waiting to be blessed."

I rode THAT high all day (and, incidentally, continue to) and blew off a class and a half of desktop publishing trying to organize the words on paper in a design worthy of hanging on my wall to remind me- in a better way than I've ever been reminded- that I am, or in the very least can be, beautiful and desireable.

Jeff didn't originally take to kindly to this apparently random internet guy apparently hitting on me, apparently apparenlty apparently. I assured him that Mal's comment was innocent enough, and this seemed to assure him, except he must have seen the glow about me as being more genuine than I could have possibly hidden, because I don't think he was ever really completely convinced that Mal was worthy and non-threatening. His opinion of Mal did NOT improve after encountering him on the pit, and after more than a day of needless, pointless bantering, Jeff has slung angry words at Mal's teaching profession while Mal has gone so low as to insult the idea that I intend to lose my virginity to Jeff. I've tried to stay as in the middle as possible, and shall continue to. But it may get very difficult tomorrow.

With me being on as much of a Mal kick as I am, I don't know how I'll react to Jeff dissing Mal in person, directly to me. I responded to Mal's comments on Jeff's and my relationship, but it was easier to keep my cool online. We'll see how things turn out, I guess.

On a happier note, I spent most of yesterday's lunch designing a naked woman out of pretzels on my tray. It's really very artistic...I was going for the Matisse look (which Mr. Leighton picked up on- go him!) Copy and paste these to see pictures....I can't make a link for some reason or else it won't work.

My name is Linda and I wish those were right-side up. On with it!