Friday, September 20, 2002

The earlier one does the friday five, the higher up they can get on a list of poeple who does it, and the better advertising it is for their site! So I now take brutal advantage of the fact that I am up this early on a september morn (stay for just a while! stay and let me look at you!) and do this now, so that maybe dozens of strangers will come to my site today and be captivated by...all of my...uhm....well, they'll come anyway.

1. Would you say that you're good at keeping in touch with people?
You know, this is definitely an answer that applies to me really strongly one way or another, but I'm really not sure which. I guess not- when I think back on it, I tend to keep a few people in the "active" part of my brain at one time- I do everything I can for them, but I tend to forget about people in the back. I think what I'm mistaking for my alleged ability to keep in touch with people is the obscene amount of effort I put into making people who might not want to keep in touch with me want to...or trying, anyway. But that's something different altogether I guess. So, uh, no?

2. Which communication method do you usually prefer/use: e-mail, telephone, snail mail, blog comments, or meeting in person? Why?
I have a high regard for all of those methods- My relationships with Jeff and Mitch developed through e-mail, so I'm grateful for that, as well as for the four-hour long phone conversations I used to have with Kris and Jeremey in the pre-internet days, and while I've never had a pen pal, I ADORE getting real mail, so the idea of one thrills me. I met Jacquie through her blog, and she's my douche-sizzlin' sistah, but, over all, nothing beats meeting in person. Being near someone, being able to touch them, smell them, hear their voice, see their mannerisms...I met Elorza online, I talked to him on the phone after a while, he's read my blog (though never commented) and I've sent him some things, but I just saw him in person for the second time ever...let me tell you, that's a rush. He's wonderful. And being near him, as well as being near to everyone I love, is amazing. (GAH! Sooo clich├ęd-sounding! Please, hit me!) The method I use the most often, however, would have to be AIM...which is terribly unfortunate.

3. Do you have an instant messenger program? How many? Why/why not? How often do you use it?
Ah, and now we address it. I have AIM, I used to have ICQ and Yahoo and MSN instant messnegers as well, but when you come right down to it, everyone has aim, and if they don't, they should. I have it because it makes it easy and cheap to keep in touch with everyone who's far away- entirely too many people like that- and even people who are close, which is sort of abuse of the privelige. I also tend to like how it's the only medium in the world where you can have multiple, totally exclusive conversations at one time. Technology! Wowee! How often? I'll have to go with "nauseatingly". Less now then I used to, because the computer is currently set up in my parents room, and they're asleep at night, which used to be my key instant messaging hours, but every chance I get, so long as I'm not entertaining any guests (and even if I am, sometimes...). Soon, the computer will be moved to my room and I'll have a 24 hour connection, then you can see how sick my addiction really is...voyeur!

4. Do most of your close friends live nearby or far away?
Far the fuck away. While it was pretty even up until a month ago- I had a big group of friends in auburn, which was just too far to be close, a bunch in my home town and some spattered throughout the country in college- now they're ALL GONE. All of them went off to college, which is why now it's the Linda and Zack show! Starring Linda and Zack! Catch all the excitement and adventure of Linda and Zack in this week's episode! But, hey, there's a bright side to all of this- this severely cuts down on the chances that I'll cheat on him...uh, as long as you keep drunk strippers away from me.

5. Are you an "out of sight, out of mind" person, or do you believe that "distance makes the heart grow fonder"?
Both. I can definitely make somebody out of my sight stay out of my mind, but if I choose to think about them- and that's definitely the choice that should be made for the most part- distance can make one realize how much they're missing out on. That said, I love you Jenn, Nick, Chad, Emily, Kris, Mark, Jeff, Serena, and, uhm....etc.! If I missed you, it's not because I don't love you, it's just because I don't love you enough. :-P

Hmmm.....the mundanity of those questions made each answer special and unique...oh, wait, no. Exact opposite effect. Sorry about that, my bad.

Happy reading, strangers! While you're here, other shit I've written is MUCH more interesting.*

*Ignore anything in caps...and add a "sorta....not really...if you're easily amused" to the end of that.


Thursday, September 19, 2002

On yet another Burger King night shift, I embrace the duties of cook for the first time by playing MASH online in my abundance of free time. Seemingly every time I play this game, there are two answers that consistently come out the same- I am having no kids, and- move over Zack!- I'm going to marry Chad.

You will live in Mansion.
You will drive a Red VW van.
You will marry Chad and have 0 kids.
You will be a Playwright in Ozarks.

Not a bad life, all in all. I don't know how a Playwright is going to make a living in the Ozarks, but I guess we don't have to stay there all the time. It ALMOST got narrowed down to living in a Mansion in Paris and owning a VW Van, that would have been a clash of genres.

I haven't talked to Chad all that much since certain incidents, but, between you, me, and the rest of the world, I'm don't think I'd be entirely over him if I saw him again. Given the kind of tryst we had, I'm not sure I'll ever be completely over him- don't get me wrong, I love Zack, and, given the chance, I wouldn't go bounding off, eager to choose Chad over the comfort and stability of relationship I was already know, again. But as sad as it is to see everyone leave, it's probably a really good thing for me that he's far away.

The rather humbling situation with Chad was what first got me into this rather unfortunate mindset that I am now- if something is hurtful, I just don't think too much about it. It started when he told me about Kara and I, not knowing how I was supposed to deal with being as- well, let's say it- in love with him as I was and rejected, especially while in a situation to hurt someone I loved as much as Jeff, and dealing with Kody's death at the same time, I put both of these things out of my mind, more for the sake of sanity than anyhting, I guess. I never really went back and faced my feelings, however, and the relative numbness kept going when Jeff and I broke up- it was sad, extremely sad, but I wrote about it here and put it as much behind me as I could, mostly to salvage the upcoming relationship with Zack, I guess. When Jenn left, same thing- I wasn't numb at all leading up to that one, I was teary and desperate and very, very scared, but since it has become a reality, I try not to think about it, and I've largely suceeded.

This is why things are left unresolved- I've kept them that way. I seem to remember one other issue with which I felt I hadn't really faced my emotions, but perhaps I've put it out of my mind so much, it's now completely gone. I guess I don't know. I'm afraid, though, that if I don't take time to reckon with these things soon, I might end up some jaded version of my former self, I guess, or maybe just lose my ability to face things as emotionally brazenly as I used to...if "brazen" was the word I was looking for then.

As a reader, perhaps, you might even be able to tell the difference, compairing the way I write now as compaired to before- that is, if you cared that much. Reading through my archives, and even just these past few entries, I seem more...intelligent about things now, and I odn't mean that in a nessecarily good way. There was a great deal of rawness and passion in my older stuff, a genuine, teenaged quality that just made me all that much more me, I guess. Maybe that's what it was- I was a teenager then. Maybe it was exactly when I hit eighteen and became an official adult- albeit, a teenaged adult- that I started handling things as adults do. Maybe I am growing into maturity, feeling my way into rationality and comprehension. Maybe, from now on, I will be an altogether logical, reasonable adult!

Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww........ Let's hope THAT'S not it! I gotta get in touch with my inner teenager, before this whole voting/cigarette-buying/porn-renting power trip gets the best of me.

Look at me! I couldn't be more teenaged! I'm working at BURGER KING, haven for uneducated high school slackers! Oooh, and now I have to go make a croissan'wich. Viva la youth!

On with it.

Monday, September 16, 2002

Enduring the night shift at Burger King, I take advantage of the slack nature of my young shift supervisor, who's physical beauty has become something of a bonus for me- they probably wouldn't have to pay me at all to be here. My coworkers, all of whom know about my completely superficial attraction to him, however, overestimate this: They think my agenda is to seduce him, when really, I just like to appreciate art when I see it. As far as my sexual life goes, the cat's out of the bag to everyone who cares- albeit, not many- that Zack and I are now officially Zack and I. How long this has been going on is unclear, however, I can tell you with certainty that we're here, we're queer, get used to it....or, something like that. I never know what I'm saying at all, least of all when it's 1:20 am, and I'm getting paid seven measely dollars an hour to watch the progression of the night and serve burgers.

Except that right now, as we all know, I'm doing neither of those things. I'm satiating the long forgotten needs of my fans. My many, many fans- all of which have five speeds, and oscillation capabilities! Yipee!

As last you heard on " must be very bored...", the continuing saga of teenage mundanity (*promptly looks up validity of word...woo!*), I was doing something slightly less mundaniffic than usual- I was headed off to New York. Or, a few days away from being headed off to New York- between my trip and my last entry were several struggles involving the cancelling of my hotel accomidations, as done by my extremely caucasian parents, who seemed to think their extremely caucasian daughter should not be spending the night in a one-star hotel in an entirely uncaucasian area of town. This lead to the monetary donation of fifty dollars a night on their part so that I could stay some place with a little more class, and a little less ethniticity--- Times Square. My parents line of thought seemed to be that Times Square was a business district, or something: I assume they associated it with the New York Times, and figured that since they'd never heard of a HARLEM newspaper, I must be better off where people can, well, read. I must point out, this is THEIR (hypothetical) opinion, not my own, as I am far less ignorant, I like to think, and just a little more wordly- I, personally, doubt the ability of the average person in Times Square to read, as well. Our hotel, which was photographed with a deceptive air of surrounding class on the internet add, was sandwiched between a parking garage and a building with a strip club on the top and a porno store on the bottom. Directly across the street, however, was the Gershwinn Theater, where the Broadway shows "Metamorphosis" and "Oklahoma" were performed. This goes to show you- there is seemingly no way to gauge the class factor of a block in New York. Maybe the locals have it figured it out, but to me, it appeared some complex enigma.

While I don't have the energy to relate my experience in the Big Apple with satisfactory detail- and I probably shouldn't, being that I AM being paid a massive seven dollars an hour- I'll go over some of the highlights: Some confusion involving my lack of credit card lead the hotel to rob me of almost two hundred dollars on deposit as well as the two hundred for the room, which left me without the full 400 I had brought with me. This wouldn't have been much of a problem, however, if it had not been for the massive malfunction of my ATM card, which randomly decided to assign to me a daily limit of funds that I was allowed to withdraw, as well as completely going INSANE on the second day. This was worked out midway through th etrip, and thanks to my father faxing his permission to charge the room to his mastercard, I was able to survive without selling my body to stock brokers...too much. Heather and I saw "Rent", the musical from which quotes have graced this website for months and months, leading up to the change of format that now affects us- to put it simply, it was transcendent. Details escape me, especially at this time of night, but you can request a more detailed account in person or on the phone- that is, if any of you were around to see me or call anymore. We spent the following evening with Elorza, my second-ever real-life encounter with him. Heather found him to be a complete asshole, but I was once again taken aback by his confidence, humor, and charisma, not to mention that he, too, is undeniably an masterpiece to be appreciated. The most notable experience of our third and final morning there would be breakfast at the wonderful "Ellen's Stardust Cafe", where the waitstaff sang for us. During our layover in Boston, I was able to spend a much-needed hour with Jenn, without whom my life is becoming rather eerily like bad freshmen poetry.

And then home, home again, where I was able to return, the next day, to the eager arms of my Zack, with whom I had a great deal to talk about- the night before leaving for New York, Heather and I stayed with Torrie and a small party conspired, involving Jill and Mike and several of Torrie's roommates. There was much booze to be had, and, while I ingested only a few sips myself, the drunken atmosphere made for a bit of a haze in my mind, and quite the interesting- if regrettably inappropriate- situation conspired. Having resolved everything I need to with uninvolved parties, I now wonder whether or not I will forgive myself for my own irresponsibility, and if others involved have any recollection at all. Suffice to say, other people there were very drunk.

I've been overnights for the past three days, the first of which was spent entertained by conversation with two of my male coworkers, the second sustained by Zack's presence for the full nine hours of the shift, and tonight, Jeff stayed a while, having dropped my off after us hanging out for the first time in...far too long. He's been keeping closer track than I have, suffice to say that an inapprorpriate period of time has passed. And I do love him, so much- it seems that the only problem, on my part at any rate, with our friendship continuing unaffected will be fighting the instinct I have to kiss him every now and again, but with a slight amount of effort, I won't screw that up- that would be no good for me, no good for him, and no good for Zack. Zack, who's loving companionship has become a distraction from all the loss I've had recently, perhaps too much for my own good.

Another time, another place for that explanation however. I must get back to my dilligent post, doing nothing and getting paid just about the same. On with it!