Thursday, September 19, 2002

On yet another Burger King night shift, I embrace the duties of cook for the first time by playing MASH online in my abundance of free time. Seemingly every time I play this game, there are two answers that consistently come out the same- I am having no kids, and- move over Zack!- I'm going to marry Chad.

You will live in Mansion.
You will drive a Red VW van.
You will marry Chad and have 0 kids.
You will be a Playwright in Ozarks.

Not a bad life, all in all. I don't know how a Playwright is going to make a living in the Ozarks, but I guess we don't have to stay there all the time. It ALMOST got narrowed down to living in a Mansion in Paris and owning a VW Van, that would have been a clash of genres.

I haven't talked to Chad all that much since certain incidents, but, between you, me, and the rest of the world, I'm don't think I'd be entirely over him if I saw him again. Given the kind of tryst we had, I'm not sure I'll ever be completely over him- don't get me wrong, I love Zack, and, given the chance, I wouldn't go bounding off, eager to choose Chad over the comfort and stability of relationship I was already know, again. But as sad as it is to see everyone leave, it's probably a really good thing for me that he's far away.

The rather humbling situation with Chad was what first got me into this rather unfortunate mindset that I am now- if something is hurtful, I just don't think too much about it. It started when he told me about Kara and I, not knowing how I was supposed to deal with being as- well, let's say it- in love with him as I was and rejected, especially while in a situation to hurt someone I loved as much as Jeff, and dealing with Kody's death at the same time, I put both of these things out of my mind, more for the sake of sanity than anyhting, I guess. I never really went back and faced my feelings, however, and the relative numbness kept going when Jeff and I broke up- it was sad, extremely sad, but I wrote about it here and put it as much behind me as I could, mostly to salvage the upcoming relationship with Zack, I guess. When Jenn left, same thing- I wasn't numb at all leading up to that one, I was teary and desperate and very, very scared, but since it has become a reality, I try not to think about it, and I've largely suceeded.

This is why things are left unresolved- I've kept them that way. I seem to remember one other issue with which I felt I hadn't really faced my emotions, but perhaps I've put it out of my mind so much, it's now completely gone. I guess I don't know. I'm afraid, though, that if I don't take time to reckon with these things soon, I might end up some jaded version of my former self, I guess, or maybe just lose my ability to face things as emotionally brazenly as I used to...if "brazen" was the word I was looking for then.

As a reader, perhaps, you might even be able to tell the difference, compairing the way I write now as compaired to before- that is, if you cared that much. Reading through my archives, and even just these past few entries, I seem more...intelligent about things now, and I odn't mean that in a nessecarily good way. There was a great deal of rawness and passion in my older stuff, a genuine, teenaged quality that just made me all that much more me, I guess. Maybe that's what it was- I was a teenager then. Maybe it was exactly when I hit eighteen and became an official adult- albeit, a teenaged adult- that I started handling things as adults do. Maybe I am growing into maturity, feeling my way into rationality and comprehension. Maybe, from now on, I will be an altogether logical, reasonable adult!

Eeeeewwwwwwwwwww........ Let's hope THAT'S not it! I gotta get in touch with my inner teenager, before this whole voting/cigarette-buying/porn-renting power trip gets the best of me.

Look at me! I couldn't be more teenaged! I'm working at BURGER KING, haven for uneducated high school slackers! Oooh, and now I have to go make a croissan'wich. Viva la youth!

On with it.