Saturday, December 01, 2001

"This can't be love because I
Feel so well
No sobs, no sorrows, no siiiiiiiiighs!
This can't be love, I get no
Dizzy spells
My head is not in the skies!"
~Some chick who's voice I can't identify and the MP3 is labelled, but is that really important? It's from Boys from Syracruse originally

Fucking right, that's all I got to say.

TRIANGLE SLEEP TONIGHT! Booya! (And for once I'm going without the hope of hooking up with one of them, which takes away un peu from the excitement, but hell, I gots mah reasons......I's even gots mah fa-yak southen accent.)

In the grand tradition of "I Gotta Go To the Bathroom" instead of "La Bamba", my father has re-written everybody's favorite song "Grandma Got Ran Over By a Reindeer"...for the sake of copyright shit, I'm not gonna tell ya anything except the title: "Granpa Got Hungover After Drinking". This man performs professionally, folks, be very afraid.

*Dances around*

IN YOUR EYES!!!!!!!!

On with it, y'all!

Friday, November 30, 2001

.....apparently I've decided, and I say it this way because I wasn't precisely sure until just a moment ago- I do everything on impulse, that I'm vain enough about my writing and my totally disinteresting life to join some webrings and get this pathetic little site more hits.....this means that I'll most likely be re-working the site to make it more attractive to random web crawlers who will happen upon it- perhaps one day, I'll be the queen of blog! I'll be a household name. People everywhere will be discussing what I have to say! I'll be quoted! They'll make magnets of what I have to say! I, SuedeCaramel, will be on people's refridgerators!

Okay, so it's not bloody likely, but it's nice to have a fan or two you've never met. Already do from, but when I say a "fan or two", I really mean a fan, or two. And I want...hell, I want enogh to start a little Linda fan club. (Or a big Linda fan club)

But don't we all? Don't hate me because I'm honest!

So, anyway....if I'm selling out in your opinion...I don't care at all because thus far you're all either friends or faculty, and those of you who haven't ditched checking this already (waves to the ten of you) probably won't no matter how bad it gets.

And that has the potential to be pretty damned bad. On with it!

Thursday, November 29, 2001

So, yeah, accidentally outed myself to Dominique today, among other things. It was pretty awkward- I was letting her and Amber read something in my journal, and Amber wandered over to a description of Kelly that I had written a few months ago. So they're both standing there reading about all these dumb-ass things I'm saying about Kelly, pathetic as and including "I love the way she adjusts her eyebrow ring" which I hope to GOD was something I was just writing stream-of-conscous style at the time......because otherwise it's really fucking dumb.

Uh, other feelings/thoughts du moment: I feel like shit for what's happened in the me/ben/nick triangle or however the fuck you'd describe it. I suppose it's a good sign that I'm taking full responsibility for something I'm fully responsible for, for once, but dayum it's different for me blaming no one but myself.

And I have no clean underwear for tomorrow. Man, things are just harsh right now.

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I see Jeff! Tomorrow! It's only a day a-way! Though, in the present situation, that has the potential to be....kind of fucked up, anyway. Chad, Em, Mr. Ladd wish me luck! Everyone else, do it without the slightest idea what's actually going on! All shall reveal itself in due course.

SATs saturday....and tri sleep, so that will be good....assuming I can pay at the door, cause otherwise I'm fucked. Except that I really, really doubt that derek, pete or mike wouldn't find some way to get me in. Sunday's my day of recooperation from friday and saturday, both which will be "intense", to steal the argot of the jewel in the crown of astoundingly bad gay cinema, "High Art". Don't rent it. It's awful. And Ally Sheedy doesn't look really into the whole kissing other girls bit. Then Monday. Monday is going to be....really damned....."intense". (Stupid fucking lesbian movie...)

For some reason, I don't want to give someone who may or may not still read this page the satisfaction of knowing about what's happening on monday, apparently I'm angry at her. Either way, that shall remain private from this site. That's right- I'm keeping another pseudo-secret, Mr. Leighton would be proud!

(Note: Since I don't give a damn about privacy, and I don't think Mr. Leighton is at all correct in his assertion that I would be better served keeping things to myself, you can go ahead and just ask about monday, if you're interested, and I'll tell you, assuming you aren't her.)

Thassall for tonight, folks. On with it~

Wednesday, November 28, 2001

I was feeling okay about things, and today was a productive day- I started to work on fixing all of the problems of my life. So I decided to apologize to Jeremey for everything that I could even imagine blaming on myself, just so it would blow over, so we could start again. I've loved him from the first time he ever made fun of me, in fifth grade, I thought it was worth it.

I put myself out there and he told me that it was over and he didn't care about it. He told me I had Chad and Nick and Ben to take his place. I told him nothing could ever take his place. I told him goodbye. He told me "Toodles".

Even though it's after the fact, I should point out that I don't really think Jeremey ditched me because I didn't put out for him. I know this won't change the fact that I've lost him, but it would be an injustice to him to let my readers have even a lingering impression of that.

I've just lost forever my oldest close friend. I've got to sleep on that.

On with it.
I thought I had hit rock bottom last night, but I've just gone downstairs to make some breakfast, looked at my "USA weekend", and found Harry Potter attractive.


On with it.

Tuesday, November 27, 2001

.....there's been a reason none of this has been working, that everything has felt so wrong, that I've finally been working towards fixing it all, making it all right. And it occurs to me that I don't think it's going to matter at all.

Sometimes I have nightmares where I do things so wrong I know I'll never be able to make them alright again, and then I wake up and I'm relieved. I can't wake up from this one.

On with it.
"Why must I feel this way?
Please make it go away...."
~Stained, It's Been A While

Well, now the person I was actively keeping my secret from knows....let's see how quickly everyone else gets a hold of it.

On with it.
Apparently Jesse was watching me for a little while as I was making up the test for Grant today- anytime a guy stops what he's doing to focus on me as I'm doing something inane, I find it insanely flattering. Jared Chattick (sp?) stopped in the middle of the street to watch me wash out my ferret cage once for like four minutes and I bragged about to people who had no idea what the hell was wrong with me for weeks afterwards.

In response to this, I am accompanying Jesse to his place of work, where he is bringing someone a CD in exchange for money....not that that's important at all. So that's what I'm off to odd. What a roaring social life I do have!

On with it!

Monday, November 26, 2001

Did I mention that Ben's fucking great?

I've been having an insanely stressful day, and the moment he calls, he just sooths everything away, it's amazing. He's amazing. Between the hour or so of talking to him and the two minutes of instant messaging Jeff right now, my hellish, headachy, writhing, wisdom-tooth-extraction-discussing day is saved.

Collectively, they are "the twelve most beautiful words in the English language, which are reported to be:
cellar door
merit raise

That's from one of my all-time favorite books (replacing the "they are" with "she is" in his description of his girlfriend, at the time) which, I'm sorry to tell you, is called "If I Love You, Am I Trapped Forever?". It is, in every sense, of the "young adult" genre, which I can fully appreciate- I like reading Young Adult you know why?


People who look down on people who act their least when it comes to reading shit, piss me off. Why is it everyone in high school spends all their time reading Jane Austen or Shakespeare or overwritten scifi bullshit? Isn't this the age where we're still supposed to be reading what we like to read and not what we think will make as look impressive?

Ben knows "Alice's Restaurant". This makes me happy. That song is tremendously important to me.....

Apparently I'm getting paid to do someone's homework for them.....hmmm, not bad.

On with it!

Sunday, November 25, 2001

I think my posting wanes because, for the first time in a long time, I actually have a secret. Generally, I'm an open person- you want to know the complete history of my mental disorders, which cartoon characters/teachers/inanimate objects I'm attracted to, or with which tools I masturbate? No problem! I'll post it online for you and the rest of the world!

Privacy is severely overrated.

Granted, there's plenty I don't say on here, but in general, that's for other people's benefit...or at least, my benefit so that I don't have to deal with their emotional reactions to what I say.

This time what I have to say is something that I'm keeping to myself for my sake....and one other person, but mostly me. And it's been consuming me lately. The only people who know, I believe, are Emily and Torrie, which has really opened up the lines of communication between me and Em- it's been a while since she's been exclusively privy to anything going on with me.

Saw her twice this weekend. It was nice.

Mr. Ladd asked about seeing me again tonight. This time I said he could sometime. I need a lot of things in life, and most of them are things that he can help me get to. Basically, though, my mind changed because of the secret- if I'm not going to lose anything because of it, it will be because I've worked damn hard to make things work out....yeah, see, the secret is already affecting the quality of this post! Damn it!

Soon, darlings, soon.

I miss Ben and Nick, especially together. There are few thigns in life more relaxing and fun than seeing either of them, and one of the them is seeing both of them at the same time. Between the hectic schedules or all three of us, and the lack of license or car on all our parts, I've only ever spent time with the both of them together twice, but both times were great. Once was at Nick's birthday party, with Chad there, too. I miss Chad as well, but I'm closer to Ben and Nick- not nessecarily by choice, but I find it rather difficult to maintain friendships with guys who don't have any sexual attraction to me in the slightest....probably because I seem to have the idea going for me that that's what I am- the village bicycle. If you don't want a ride, what the hell can I offer you?

If this theory doesn't make sense to you, I defy you to find a close male friend of mine that I've never had any sexual interaction with whatsoever. Elorza, that's about it. Which is probably why I spend so much damn time trying my hardest to figure out ways to do things for him...much the way I did with Jeremey. Jeremey and I never had any sexual interaction, either...aside from truth or dare in the seventh grade. And I probably think, somewhat subconsciously, that that is why I was useless to him, why he was able to leave. Why he didn't care about me at all. I never put out.

Nick's got a blog now. On thanksgiving, he talked of me as one of three of his friends who have never done anything truly wrong to him....I'm ashamed. I think I've done something to him, whether or not he would count it, and I think I've done similar bullshit to probably a lot of people. Whether or not I even realize it.

Had a sexual "encounter" with a guy who shall remain nameless over the Thanksgiving break and, mid-encounter, he started talking about how nice it was that neither of us was looking for any sort of involvement...then he sort of thought better of it and started warning me that I shouldn't look for an involvement with him, which was obscenely obvious, and I started laughing at it. I'm the one who does shit with people and has to warn them about it not leading to involvement. Thinking back on that now....maybe it shouldn't have been so obvious to me. I should probably be at a point in my life where I expect something to come of a kiss, or a touch, or various stages of undress, etc. Sort of sad...especially when one things back to how virginal I was my freshmen year. The most inexperienced person I knew.

All that said, I miss Ben, again. Ben and I would work really really fucking well in a relationship together, if only there were means of transportation. Without it, though, and with our libidos and morals working the way they do, we'd be apologizing to each other by the second time we saw each other as a couple. And probably every time after that. Or maybe we'd just be content not to tell each other of our emotional and physical involvements with various others, and not to know about them. Either way.....Ben's voice is amazing. It's soothing....he's soothing. He has a soothing personality. Damn, I love Ben. I miss Ben. Did I mention that?

I meant to be in bed by 10:30, comme toujours, and I have a visual to do for a project due tomorrow that I have no intention of doing until tomorrow morning, but I'll need to get up early to do it. So I'm gone....anticlimactically.

Oh, about earlier- I did go to bed...cried for about 45 minutes in bed listening to the wallflowers at full blast and got up again. Didn't lie though. That's once, anyway.

On with it~
"Well, I tried to make it sunday
But I got so damned depressed
That I set my sights on monday
And I got myself undressed."
~America, Sister Goldenhair

I'm going to bed. No use staying awake. On with it.
My friend James, who is constantly asking to be mentioned on here, is supposedly hooking up with a hot 22-year-old 115 pound blond who is driving down from Mississippi just to hook up with him....and bringing a swing (a small portion of her enormous sex toy conllection, apparently) while she's at it. I've asked him to keep me posted as to what the catch will be- my guess is either she has a penis, a venereal disease, or doesn't show up at all.

If none of these proves to be true, and James does, in fact, get laid- or swung, as the case may be- by a clean, all-female girl with a reported 36DD bra size, the wonders of the internet will never cease to amaze me. Getting James someone attractive for once. Wow. Just wow.

I've done nothing all day except to watch My Fair Lady and Ally McBeal and probably something else, but my mind draws a blank, and it feels somewhat great. I'm sort of glad that Nick was unable to come over because I've had so few weekend days that I kept for myself as of late. It's good to wear a pepsi sweatshirt and slippers all day long every now and again. Sort of makes me wish I could spend a few months naked in the wilderness.....or at least sparsely clothed. Wearing a dress made of rayon or something.

My parents are spending the night in a hotel somewhere, so I'm going to retire now to there large, infinitely comfortable bed and dream about waking up the next morning next to whichever of my best friends meets my fancy at that moment.....I'll be sure to keep y'all posted, with his permission, anyway, on the James situation. I'm sure you're as curious as I am.

On with it.
I'm breaking out....I only break out when I'm stressed...must be the whole driving thing...cannot tell you how much I hate so much easier if I was allowed to take someone with me, you think I can?....hmmm.....still watching the ally mcbeal marathon, but thinking of breaking off. What do you think?

On with it.