I am sad.

I am sad that I hurt so many people, that people can only seem to be the best possible thing for me at the worst possible time, that so many people have realized that what I am to them is pain, that I am utterly unable to just give myself to everyone who wants me.....people need commitment and singularity and to how many people can you be singularly committed?

Right now there are three people...well, let's include Andrew, four people that I know want to be with me. Andrew is the only one who is, and lately he's been getting far less than the rest of them. I can't be devoted to him because I have no idea what I want....I think what I want is....I don't know, something. Something that I could just continue to take on the pain and not do anything to them anymore. I love them. Albeit, in different ways, some more fulfilling than others, but....

Out of the four of them, Andrew is the only that is really geographically rational...but, to a cetain point, what does geography have to do with it? Two of the others are people with which I have already had relationships with, and the final....damn, I need to figure this bullshit out. I'm so tired of hurting people. Of going online and checking the status of my friends' well-being and finding that they are upset over me once again.

I went a while without checking the site of one of these, and I had missed some back posts that mentioned me. One, from a while ago, quoted extremely uplifting lyrics that called life a song. Lyrics he posted yesterday talked about a song ending. I guess I don't know what's really going through his mind, I don't know if he'd really tell me if I was hurting him.....I guess I don't really know anything.

A girl charishes the qualities about her that would make her capable of hurting people, but better ones than I are probably quick to stop abusing that as soon as possible. And it's getting so this is catching up with even me.

Maybe if I just start treating people like shit.


(Yes, for those of you who hadn't picked up on it, this is a post COMPLAINING about being loved. I am a jackass, what do you want from me?)
On with it.

"Why is it when you go away
All I can do is scream “please stay”
And there is nothing more to say?
You aren’t mine anyway

Your presence is an art
Your ink is from my heart
And I bleed more when we’re apart
Get in the car"

My friend James wants me to write some poetry for him to turn into music, as Mark is in the middle of doing with something I wrote for Emily a long time ago, and I am looking through my old stuff. That is an excerpt from a song I wrote called "Yes, I do" and re-reading this I realize, for the 100th time, I have never written poetry that I loved more than the poetry I wrote for Elorza while I was still so entire enamoured with him. The Elorzan Literary Period de Linda. Some of the stuff for him is amazing.

I'll have to get back to that, though, I meant to leave 20 minutes ago.


Sometimes things are just no good. Take my life--- please!
On with it~

Tony Rich project is depressing and I have english and french homework to do, and, here's a surprise- I don't want to.

I guess I don't have time for this, though- english and french and very little else before bed. On with it~

Maybe I am going to end up listening to Jeff, and no one else, not even myself, but I need to figure this damn situation out, don't I? I can't continue just to hate myself over this, I suppose.

That cryptic little sentence right there may not reveal much about the situation it's about, but it does make it clear that I did, in fact, talk to Jeff tonight, and that has me feeling better than I have recently, having been able to actually express my feelings for once. Tears make one lose inhibitions, I think. It's like they sort of entail the frame of mind "If I'm already crying, how much worse could telling the truth get?"

Either way though, I need sleep. On with it.

...conflicting emotions are breweing like bubbles fighting it out and coffee pot...do bubbles brew in coffee pots? It makes the exact same sound, anyway...

I have semi-officially figured out why I think guys aren't as dumb and awful as the rest of the female race seems to think they are- I only hang out with the smart ones. If I were to hang out with dumbasses, or just the majority of males, I would quickly learn to love women via conversations like this:

Steve: wear do you find porn that isnt gay but still shows guys?
Steve: unless you look at girls
FieryGwenivere: well, I look at girls
Steve: school...?? Oh you're in college
FieryGwenivere: but are you talking porn that includes both or just guys?
FieryGwenivere: no, I'm in high school
Steve: I thought you were older.....the way james told me you dress anyway..i thought youd be older
FieryGwenivere: haha
FieryGwenivere: how did james tell you I dress?
Steve: well the thing is i know a girl that couldnt find pictures of guys exept on gay sites
Steve: slutty...he thinks your hot
FieryGwenivere: that's because the porn industry is based on males- in general, girls can't get off at just looking at pictures so there isn't very much porn meant for females
FieryGwenivere: he thinks I'm hot because I'm hot (to him), but I don't dress slutty (often)
Steve: yeah.....so your parents let you dress slutty...hmmmm
Steve: oh
FieryGwenivere: my parents let me dress the way I like to dress
FieryGwenivere: I would hardly classify it as slutty. Not in general, anyway
Steve: he told me one day he saw you without a bra on and he could see down your shirt....it wouldve been funny if you flashed him
FieryGwenivere: hilarious....
Steve: i wonder wear every one is.....oh well. If they're gone I can use the computer
FieryGwenivere: there's a good outlook
Steve: huh...out look on what
FieryGwenivere: brb
Steve: ok
FieryGwenivere: here
FieryGwenivere: and I just meant...that's a good way to look at it...if they aren't there, you can use the computer
Steve: wear did you go
Steve: usually when some body says thy'll brb they are gone for awile
FieryGwenivere: I just went to answer the phone
Steve: oh
Steve: I need 2 things: loob and a good porn site...lol
FieryGwenivere: use butter.
Steve: i probably shouldnt tell you that since youre probably what 15 and still a virgin..sorry
FieryGwenivere: I'm 17
FieryGwenivere: and I'm still a virgin, but that doesn't mean that I'm bothered by the idea of lube and porn
Steve: butter good idea.....
Steve: i love to jerk off....do you masturbate....god if james new i was talking to you about this hed kill me
FieryGwenivere: I masturbate, but probably not in the same sense that guys think girls masturbate
Steve: dont tell him....especially that im jerking off in his room... i probly shouldnt have told you... sorry....you do seem nice and i dont mean to corupt you....(blush)
Steve: you mean you have a penis? lol how else can a girl masturbate hahaha
FieryGwenivere: our nerve endings are more on the outside than guys realize....I don't go for penetration, I prefer merely stimulus to the outside
Steve: clitoris only...isnt that how most girls do it
FieryGwenivere: *shrugs* dunno.
Steve: hay thanks...butter works great
FieryGwenivere: seriously?
Steve: yeah...hey can I use your pics to cum to? If i can find em
FieryGwenivere: do what you like, I'm gone.
FieryGwenivere: have fun with that.


Why I waited so long before blocking his ass, I'll never know. As you all know or at least can see through that, I'm probably more of an open person than I should be, but doesn't, eventually, a little *tact* switch come on or something? For him I mean.....ler.

My name is Linda and I wasn't seriously suggesting he use butter....sigh. On with it.

:-) okay, one more thing- In trying to quote something that I wouldn't have heard a million times before, Chad through a beautiful line from Frost at me before I left, and I am now thoroughly pleased. One more reason to go to bed smiling.

I hadn't thought about him for days, actually, not about the fact that I haven't seen him for weeks or that I miss him, until his essence, in the form of a him-scented nephew, crawled omenously onto my lap and fell asleep there, leaving me to smell the back of his neck, and realize what it was the scent reminded me of, and almost start to cry, had it not been for everything else.

-lapse in time-

I'm shaking. Suddenly I'm so nervous...the mixed scents of Andrew's residual curve on me and Jeff in my mind and sort of Ben and damn I miss being near Ben and Nick and Chad......Nick's party was good, did I mention that? There wasn't more than ten minutes the whole time that I wasn't touching one of my auburn boys, and I love touching them. I love touching all my male friends, and have gone into hyperactive mode about it sense Em left.

There's something about touching guys that I'm not nessecarily sexual with that gives me a feeling of safety and inner warmth....none so much as with Jeff, but I really don't want to think about him, I wish I never had to except when I check my inbox for him. One of my friends, I bid you, go into my dogmail inbox and change my password for a few days...well, no, Emily's really the only one who can do that, being that she has compuserve, but she probably shouldn't...what if there were...yeah, right, a Jeff emergency that he e-mailed me about. Ugh, I'm so diluted.

Elorza has just sent some of the only pictures I've ever had of him, and I keep going back to my account but it's simply not showing up. THIS BOTHERS ME. Ah, finally. Downloading. I'll have to upload one of them somewhere so you can all have some fraction of an understanding how wonderful he is to look at. And to write to, and to hear, and to sit next to on a monorail and watch fireworks near and think about and wait for and receive e-mail from once a millenium....god, I'm so sentimental today. I went from being awful and nervous to entirely enamoured with all of my male friends, especially derek and elorza right now.

Derek and Elorza are both extremely physically beautiful....I'm looking at Elorza's pictures right now and I hope Emily wouldn't be threatened, because I assure you all, this is purely aesthetic appreciation, but man, he is amazing. Derek is, too, in basically the exact opposite way of Elorza. Elorza is dark and brunette, Derek is pale and blond......if I had seen either of them more than twice I'd be able to explain this better.

Yeah, I'm going to bed and all that...screw consciousness.

On with it~

Too fucking long a day to worry about actually writing anything, let's just copy this bullshit. The conversation I'm currently in with Ben pretty well covers it:

Linda: I wish it were just still possible to solve all your problems with swords and chivalry
Ben: it would certainly make life easier sometimes.
Linda: Jeff and Jeremey would have to treat me like a lady and someone would have killed Mr. Ladd for me long ago....Emily would have never gone to college, as a woman, and our castle's would still be right down the street from each other...you could all ride horses to come and see me, you wouldn't need licenses

heh....3 messages...how odd that that's all I have the balls to copy. I can't post any of the shit that really talks about how I feel because there is always SOMEBODY to offend, or just hurt, or fuck things up with. I'm so SICK of having what I feel be taboo, not allowed, against the rules, private by nessecity. I feel like just screaming truths at the top of my lungs and leaving before I can watch any of the circumstances........just walk away smiling and holding hands with whoever the hell it would be that I wanted to hold hands with at that moment- fuck commitment, fuck feelings, fuck having to do this out of fear of doing that.........I want it all to be free love, I want to be able to take a walk through a woods and sleep beneath the trees on the ground naked and wrapped up in whoever the fuck struck my fancy at that moment. I'm sick of constraint. I'm sick of social obligation. Let's all be hippies, can't we? Without the GODDAMNED drugs.

I could look into grey eyes without brown eyes tearing up, stroke blond hair without betraying brown, kiss full lips and still taste thin.....I could make love with females in the daytime and sleep in the arms of males at night.....I could be in love with my best friend one night and wake up the next morning, still able to eat breakfast with them and laugh as we both talked about other people.


Yes, I know, none of that would ever work....but there's a reason I've said I'll never get married....I just can't do this shit sometimes.


let's goddamned get on with it already.

Too fucking long a day to worry about actually writing anything, let's just copy this bullshit. The conversation I'm currently in with Ben pretty well covers it:

Linda: I wish it were just still possible to solve all your problems with swords and chivalry
TheDentrassi: it would certainly make life easier sometimes.
Linda: Jeff and Jeremey would have to treat me like a lady and someone would have killed Mr. Ladd for me long ago....Emily would have never gone to college, as a woman, and our castle's would still be right down the street from each other...you could all ride horses to come and see me, you wouldn't need licenses

heh....3 messages...how odd that that's all I have the balls to copy. I can't post any of the shit that really talks about how I feel because there is always SOMEBODY to offend, or just hurt, or fuck things up with. I'm so SICK of having what I feel be taboo, not allowed, against the rules, private by nessecity. I feel like just screaming truths at the top of my lungs and leaving before I can watch any of the circumstances........just walk away smiling and holding hands with whoever the hell it would be that I wanted to hold hands with at that moment-fuck commitment, fuck feelings, fuck having to do this out of fear of doing that.........I want it all to be free love, I want to be able to take a walk through a woods and sleep beneath the trees on the group naked and wrapped up in whoever the fuck struck my fancy at that moment. I'm sick of constraint. I'm sick of social obligation. Let's all be hippies, can't we? Without the GODDAMNED drugs.

I could look into grey eyes without brown eyes tearing up, stroke blond hair without betraying brown, kiss full lips and still taste thin.....I could make love with females in the daytime and sleep in the arms of males at night.....I could be in love with my best friend one night and wake up the next morning, still able to eat breakfast with them and laugh as we both talked about other people.


Yes, I know, none of that would ever work....but there's a reason I've said I'll never get married....I just can't do this shit sometimes.