I hadn't thought about him for days, actually, not about the fact that I haven't seen him for weeks or that I miss him, until his essence, in the form of a him-scented nephew, crawled omenously onto my lap and fell asleep there, leaving me to smell the back of his neck, and realize what it was the scent reminded me of, and almost start to cry, had it not been for everything else.

-lapse in time-

I'm shaking. Suddenly I'm so nervous...the mixed scents of Andrew's residual curve on me and Jeff in my mind and sort of Ben and damn I miss being near Ben and Nick and Chad......Nick's party was good, did I mention that? There wasn't more than ten minutes the whole time that I wasn't touching one of my auburn boys, and I love touching them. I love touching all my male friends, and have gone into hyperactive mode about it sense Em left.

There's something about touching guys that I'm not nessecarily sexual with that gives me a feeling of safety and inner warmth....none so much as with Jeff, but I really don't want to think about him, I wish I never had to except when I check my inbox for him. One of my friends, I bid you, go into my dogmail inbox and change my password for a few days...well, no, Emily's really the only one who can do that, being that she has compuserve, but she probably shouldn't...what if there were...yeah, right, a Jeff emergency that he e-mailed me about. Ugh, I'm so diluted.

Elorza has just sent some of the only pictures I've ever had of him, and I keep going back to my account but it's simply not showing up. THIS BOTHERS ME. Ah, finally. Downloading. I'll have to upload one of them somewhere so you can all have some fraction of an understanding how wonderful he is to look at. And to write to, and to hear, and to sit next to on a monorail and watch fireworks near and think about and wait for and receive e-mail from once a millenium....god, I'm so sentimental today. I went from being awful and nervous to entirely enamoured with all of my male friends, especially derek and elorza right now.

Derek and Elorza are both extremely physically beautiful....I'm looking at Elorza's pictures right now and I hope Emily wouldn't be threatened, because I assure you all, this is purely aesthetic appreciation, but man, he is amazing. Derek is, too, in basically the exact opposite way of Elorza. Elorza is dark and brunette, Derek is pale and blond......if I had seen either of them more than twice I'd be able to explain this better.

Yeah, I'm going to bed and all that...screw consciousness.

On with it~