Sunday, September 14, 2003

Correction-- The Guest Page will feature Ben's Manifesto tomorrow. My FTP server seems to be having problems right now and, as it is now close to three AM, I am not going to fix them tonight. Still, everybody keep your interest piqued for the next twelve hours or so, or else you may just choose to read the post (Called "Conclusive Proof of t-the Stupidity of Mankind: Part One!" on Ben's Site. Till then, please amuse yourself with Andy Milonakis, because, let's face it-- with ducky whores, you can't go wrong.

On with it.
So lately I've been having some problems resolving myself to update this site...or rather, no problems at all resolving myself to do it, just problems with the follow through, rather like my yearly resolutions to lose ten pounds, or to stop hitting my sister's kids when they try to hug me. You know the drill. The problem, as I perceive it, is that I've recently bought an advertisement on Fark, a twenty-five dollar investment which brought me over a thousand hits. While this may seem like incentive to update, for me it's more of an incentive to climb into bed naked and curl up into a little ball...but then, what isn't it? Truly, the shock of the traffic and the potential to gain so many readers scared me as much as "The Italian Job" scared all of Detroit-- not only was the movie was a two-hour long advertisement for an increasingly popular foreign car, but Ed Norton played a surprisingly convincing bad guy, despite his winning smile.

Thusly, I will force myself back into the game, not for me, not for the Farkers, but for the dignity of the internet itself. (Warning: While the preceding link will, in fact, take you to the very soul of the internet, I warn you not to explore the site too deeply, or you may well run into a picture of a fat woman bending over to show off her fat vagina, which strangely resembles that Droopy-faced dog on the Looney Tunes.) So, in the spirit of getting my act together, pulling out of the stops and giving you, my beloved readers, what you're here for, I will divert your attention to my new Guest Writer's section, now with a manifesto by my dear friend Ben as previously featured on his site, The Ben Way.

Also, it is with my most sincere commendations that I refer you to, where you can sample some lyrical genius directly proportional to the size and shape of the artist, former "Man Show" Boy Andy Milonakis. This pudgy prodigy is making it big with such hits like "BINGO has AIDS" and "Crispy New Freestyle", wherein Andy belts out such heart-stoppingly beautiful lyrics as "Meet me, meet me, meet me, don't beat me, just meet me at the waffle house/ I'm a mouse from Ecuador/ You're a duck/And you're a ducky whore/You like to suck duck dick all day/I like to suck mouse dick, too/That's okay, that don't mean I'm a Jew." Yes, this fine young man is ripping through the music world like Roseanne through a bag of Dorritos, and the rest of us are powerless to stop it. He's sneaking into our lives like a Mini Cooper through a sewage drainpipe, getting into our heads like the deceptive smile of an secretly evil Hollywood actor.

And still, Detroit knows nothing. Damn those cute little dimples, damn them!

Until next time, when I will resume relative normalcy...which, on this site, will probably involve an article about a man surgically attaching the genitals of a dog to his body. The anticipation just makes me want to climb into bed naked and curl up into a little ball; what about you?

On with it.