Wednesday, July 16, 2003

All right, you jittery little housewives, it's time to give props to Leo Sternbach, a 95-year-old man Jewish man who fled to America during Hitler's reign, all in order to bring you what you need most in life: Valium.

Yes, it's valium's 40th birthday this year, a time for...relatively sedate celebration. In reverence of this event, I started doing some research about the miracle drug, but I got really tired about halfway through, and life's too beautiful to waste on research anyway, right? I love you. Let's sing!

Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday dear Valium
Honk-shoo, honk-shoo.

In a related story, it's the one-year anniversary of highly controversial gay marraige of Viagra and Benzocaine, a substance featured on many new condoms that helps to delay orgasm. In celebration, they're throwing a party for themselves, but since their homosexuality alienated them from so many of their friends and family members, they report that it will probably be a long, hard night, and they don't expect anyone to come.

On with it.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003

So, a man walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "What's wrong, buddy? You look like shit."
The man explains himself. "I'm a locksmith, and this woman I installed a new lock for accused me of exposing myself to her after the job was done, while we were sitting down for tea. She says she saw my penis sticking out the end of my shorts."
"Well," says the bartender, "Did you do it on purpose?"
"That's just it," Says the locksmith, "I didn't do it at all. I've got a incredibly tiny penis, there's no way I could have done it. But she's taking me to court."
The bartender poors the guy a whiskey and says, "Well, I guess she's gonna be a little short on evidence, eh?"

Don't get it? That's because it's not a joke. This is fucking really happening.

This is the true, current story of a Pennsylvania locksmith, Robert M. Peters, Sr., (who evidently has thighs fatty enough to have a roll capable of being mistaken for a semi-erect penis.) and a woman who has just recently split up from her husband (despite breasts that the locksmith allegedly described as being beautiful).

One has to wonder who the real victim here is-
A- The aging woman, who's breasts probably aren't as beautiful as they used to be, who's husband has left her because she, evidently, can't tell the difference between a roll of fat and a penis,
B- The grossly overweight Peters who may be able to unlock many things, but never the secret to a woman's sexual pleasure,
Or C- the Doctor who had to examine The grossly overweight Peter's peter in order to testify that it's only an inch long when flaccid, four inches when erect.

You be the jury.

My favorite line from the article:
[The Prosecuting attorney] told the jurors he would build a road to lead them to find Peters guilty of indecent exposure, but [The defense lawyer] disagreed.

"The road that [the prosecution] is trying to build for you will be missing by five inches," [The defense lawyer] said.

Classic. On with it.

Monday, July 14, 2003

This month, we celebrate the 20-year anniversary of Mainer Samantha Smith's goodwill mission to the Soviet Union to ease the tension of the cold war and help end the threat of nuclear bombings. Samantha, who was 11 at the time, went halfway across the world to speak to world leaders on behalf of the common man, woman and child, quite possibly saving us all from nuclear annihlation.

When I was 11 years old, my mother grounded me for a week for operating a toaster in my living room. Food for thought.

On with it.