Saturday, February 02, 2002

Linda's life lesson of the day-
Bathe as soon as you realize you need to.

My father has been in the bathtub for ENTIRELY too long, Jeff could arrive anywhere from now until 22 minutes from now (longer if he's later) and I'M NOT CLEAN YET.

This is because I figured I'd take my time in getting into the bathroom so that I wouldn't have to wait around, bored, after I was finished.

"Until another time
You walk around my mind.....
something something something something something something...
Into another place
You walk around my face....
something something something something something something...
Sandwiches time
Sandwiches time
Sandwiches on my mind."

Jacquie is right- this song is theraputic...oddly.

6:12 and he's supposed to be here at 6:30- let's hope he's late! Looks like I'll get absolutely no good shower-dancing in today, either.

Gawd-damn, my father is a slow-ass walrus. A week ago or so I was pretty bitter at him- he came downstairs at one point when I had just came back from Jeff's and gruffly barked at me "You forgot to clean the ferret cage." Before stopping myself, I actually started to say "You forgot to care about me in a paternal way." My don't-say-that reflexes are pretty slow, the crisis was only slimly averted.

Ah, he's out, and with horrible timing- 12 minutes left. Ugh!

On with it!
Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight,
For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.

At Jeff's house tonight, I was leafing through his yearbooks, pointing out which people were funny-looking and which were hot, and how dumb all his friends looked when they were younger, and when we happened upon his senior year book, I was struck- I saw Katie Snyder for the first time, and her picture changed my life. Music played. I literally heard, in the back of my mind, Tchiakovski's Romeo and Juliet. I looked her up in his other yearbooks, and she was beautiful, but no picture was ever so breathtaking as the one of her her junior year.

Jeff was seemingly jealous, or at least perturbed, by my fascination with her, and while it wasn't entirely unwarranted- after just seeing this timeless visage for a fleeting moment, I know without quesiton that I would give her anything she ever asked of me- I hope he realizes he shouldn't feel threatened. I feel as strongly about her as I ever have about someone who I know nothing about more than a year of graduation, a name, and three strongly about her as anyone could a picture, I suppose, but she is, in fact, a picture right now. I wonder if she would even be as awesome (in the literal sense of the word) in color as she was in black and white. I would not endanger my relationship with him for a silly pipe dream- a girl who might have a million faults, and is probably entirely too heterosexual and christian (she was wearing a cross) for me.

Still, the moment his car drove out of my sight, I stood in the living room for only a moment letting the fading feel of his touch bewilder me before running upstairs and logging onto ICQ to find her- there are a LOT of Katie Snyders. It's most upsetting. I find myself compelled to find her, to tell her that her picture is the reason poets write, the reason that the clouds part in such a way as to give sunlight to a face like hers. To tell her that I heard Tchiakovski in my mind the moment I first beheld her and that she is the first person who ever made Shakespeare sound credible to me. To compare her to a summer's day, if she would let me.

Which, let's face it, she wouldn't. And I am not in love with Katie Snyder; I am in love with Jeffrey L.. And were they both before me, wanting me, asking me to be with them forever with their eyes, I would undoubtedly choose- oh, let's not finish that. Jeff checks the site from time to time, and I don't want to make him feel any worse ;-)

(just kidding babe)

I'm going to go and do my best to sleep in heaven tonight- I don't know who my thoughts will be about, but if it's Katie, that's because people like her are what dreams are made of. But people like Jeff are why it's worth waking up.

On with it!

Friday, February 01, 2002

As those of you who are more observant can plainly see, I have made a few subtle changes to the site- firstly, the explanation beneath the title. I was saving it previously the promised land of a new location where I can have pictures and pretty things and all the jazz that a good weblog generally has, but it looks like that may be a while in coming.

Secondly, I have changed the update line or whatever it is to say "You've been hit by a SuedeCaramel"- I have to give Andrew credit for the idea their, he re-wrote smooth criminal for me a long time ago. He seems rather upset right now, either that he hasn't been mentioned on here or on Amber's livejournal or something along those lines, I don't know. He's on away, or else I'd talk to himabout it, but I meant to be in bed a while ago. As if it matters. (going to bed, not talking to him)

My neck hurts though, and while I'd like to be continuing my conversation with Chad, he has work to do, despite the fact that he won't have school tomorrow. Dear, studious Chad. With the perfect skin. I miss Chad.

And Ben. I've seen Nick lately, so it's not grading on me quite so much that I haven't seen him, but Chad and Ben I miss. Oh vell....Chad probaly isn't very comfortable with me and Ben and I are entirely too comfortable with each other.

Ben and Nick say Chad is nicer to girls than he is to guys and they must be right, because he's great to me- I've just been annoying him for a really long time while he has work to do, and then I asked him if he wanted to talk about some problem he's been having and he makes the effort to make sure he complements me about how good I am to talk to before he leaves so that I don't feel blown off. Wonderful Chad- all the auburn boys are wonderful.

Derek and I were supposed to hang out at one point, too. I should call him sometime.

Ah vell, time for good little girls to go to bed.

And me, too.

On with it.

Thursday, January 31, 2002

I called Ben. He was supposed to call back, but he never did. Oh well- he might have school tomorrow. (Yeah, right)

I think I'll set my alarm for the normal time just so I can be comforted by the fact that I get to fall back to sleep.

As a distraction waiting for him to call back, I watched the end of....actually, most of the American President. I started watching it- this time weeks ago. Didn't matter, I've got it, like, memorized anyway. It's, like, cool and junk.

I sent away the New School application finally. Miss Sutton forgot to bring her part of it today so she's sending it when she gets the chance, and we got to the post office just before they closed so while it MIGHT get there tomorrow, chances are it won't be there till saturday morning. But I passed giving a fuck about 3 miles back, I'm just cruising down the empty road now, letting the wind do what it will to my hair and watching the sunset- that's right, I've gone south, I'm warm where I am.

I want to stay up for the pure novelty of staying up on a thursday, but there's nothing to do and I'm tired. I'd watch something, but I didn't grab any new rentals today when I went to return the old ones because my mom was driving me and she didn't want to stay out in the storm. Speaking of it, if I can't see Jeff tomorrow because of it I'm going to be livid- same if I can't get to the bank.

There was some hair sitting on the mousepad that I have now picked up to play with- it was there in the first place because I pulled it out of a brush. I am a quintessential packrat- my mom told me once that if you kept all the hair that you pulled out of your brushes and put it outside in the spring, the birds would use it to line their nests- I like the thought of little birds being hatched on my hair and living on it, and being more comfortable because of it, so it always bothers me to through away hair. No one will save this all winter, though- there's some more in the bathroom, you think if I put it outside now a bird will still be able to find it this spring? It'll probably get all muddy. Maybe I should find some place to put it all.....a jar or something. It would make an interesting conversation piece, at the very least.

Hmmmm....this is the type of idea that once I get it in my head, there's no hope at all of my not going through with it. Be on the look out for my hair jar, and bring your hair donations to my house! And hey, start your own hair jar today- a baby bird will appreciate it!

On with it.

Wednesday, January 30, 2002

See which Greek Goddess you are.

Well, who can argue with that?

I'm in Floyd's room, alone, using her computer (clearly) and her Rent soundtrack. La Vie Boheme!

"Hey mister-
She's my sister!"

Katie and I got our body fat done today- it turns out we're both in an unacceptable level of body fat content...whatever.

I just sang "To sodomy, it's between god and me- to S&M!" outloud and there are classroom full of teachers taking some sort of computer class across the hallway- time to get up and shut the door.

Much better.

I'm wondering what time I'll decide to get up and go home. It's almost four and my mom has no reason to think I'm here. If Jenn calls, she'll probably go batty. And if she calls the school, I won't hear it with these earphones on- she'll flip out if she calls and I'm not here. Perhaps I should take this oppurtunity not to be anywhere she expects me to be- I should fly to the moon and rest in the stardust and watch the earth as it turns. I should go to Tahiti and walk down sandy beaches and have torrid affairs with the natives. I should hitchhike to San Francisco and become a reclusive writer with a regular, intensely popular columnist in some underground newspaper.

I should live, and love, and get out of Lisbon and the talons of my family while I stiill can.

Or, ya know, not. *Adjusts the headphones so that they're only covering one ear*

I'm in a weird mood. Hormones. I felt it coming on in film today- that and the fact that I couldn't get rid of of cramps despite taking tylenol. I need to go home and eat bunny tracks (an ice cream jenn and I bought together) Actually, maybe Jenn can come over today. That's really what I need. Playstation, baby. Playstation and bunny tracks. I'll save my essay for later tonight like I did with yesterday's- oh, you'd be proud. I actually got one of them done.

I should probably call home now. I should probably do a lot of things. Let's all pray for Jenn's availibility, or for a call from someone unexpected or maybe just someone dropping by. I need a saving grace today.

"Oh and Mark!
We're sorry to hear that Maureen dumped you- I say c'est la vie!
So let her be a lesbian!
There are other fishies in the sea-
Love, Mo-om!"

On with it.

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

The members of the College Board are my new heroes.

A term I once only applied to Em's cunning cheat of an ex-boyfriend, Randy/Noah, these guys are Super Evil Geniuses. And I love them for it.

They are the epiphany of dirty capitalists. First they invent the product, which doesn't take ANY money to produce, really- it's a test, a bunch of questions. Then they create the need by making ALL the best colleges require their scores. Then they raise the our dependence on it, slowly spreading to more and more colleges all over the nation, and more and more students are going to college, and more and more people MUST take the SATs! Then, and only then, they raise the prices to an obsurd amount. Then they nickle and dime you with extras- get your scores online, on the phone, by singing telegram, etc. And then, because they know that people like me will ALWAYS wait till the last minute, the come up with extras that we, the public, still need and force you to pay TOP DOLLAR for them!

I have just had my scores sent rush delivery to Eugene Lang (New School). And it will cost my parents 26 dollars and fifty sense.

College Board- you are SOOOO evil. I salute you

"God" bless America!
On with it!

Monday, January 28, 2002

Gotta finish up the class act....I put things off WAY too often....ugh.

Supposed to have it done a while ago, then Jenn calls today and asks me to go to Wal*Mart. We go, end up buying ice cream, so we come back to my place even after wal*mart to eat it and use her playstation. It was fun, but yeah...I gotta stop with the procrastination shit.

Trying to call Jeff's radio show but, much like the last time I tried, it just keeps ringing and ringing. This could mean he's on the air, in the bathroom (would NOT be a surprise) or...uh, dead, I guess.

I want to be in bed but I must finish the script for tomorrow, which isn't difficult, or at least shouldn't be, hypothetically, because I already know what to write...sorta.

STILL have yet to start college ap essays, as soon as I get this damned script out of the way, that's my total focus. I'm gonna try to call Jeff again in another five minutes. I want to be in bed by 11.

This is a boring update.

I wanted to put an energizing song on to keep me ready and rolling to write this damned script when I'd rather be unconscious, and I ended up putting on "There Ain't No Mountain Enough". This reminds me, immediately, of Elorza. I downloaded it because of an e-mail he send me- one of like, maybe five, ever. He wrote it to me just before he was leaving for a few days and he had talked to me- we weren't even really close at that point, but I was in a bad mood, and he could offer me no solace. It didn't "sit well" with him, so he e-mailed me later when he was listening to that song that I came to mind, and that he was sorry, and something about the good in life outweighing the bad. It didn't matter what he said- the fact that someone like him cared enough to bother to try and say it was good enough for me. That's the way it pretty much always is with him- all I need is some indication that he's thinking about me.

That said- 96 days till prom!

I shouldn't be calculating the days until prom, I should be writing my script, but the slightest reminder that he's gonna be there, that he'll be here for the whole weekend (I think) makes me, like, effuse.

Have I mentioned I love the internet?

"Games, changes and fears
Where will they go from here?
When will they stop?
I believe that faith has brought us here
We should be together, babe
But we're not.

I play it off, but I'm dreaming of you
I keep my cool, but I'm fiendin'."

I am a people fiend- I "fiend" about whoever's on my mind the most that particular week. I'm not "fiendin'" over Elorza, that whole thing was a complete topic switch. Which I will now quickly switch back to the fact that


"Here is my confession:
May I be your possession?
Boy, I need your touch
Your love, kisses
And such.
With all my might I try
But this I can't deny.....
I play it off, but I'm dreamin' of you."

*Swirls around* I'm DEFINITELY more energetic without caffeine. Music is good.


alright, alright. Calm your hemorroids.

I'm out, y'all.

My name is SssssSSSSSuuuede, and I play it off
But I dreamin' of YOOOOOOOOOU
I keep my cool
but I'm FIENDIN'

Though I try to hide it,
It's clear-
I blow bubbles when you are not near! (My own version)
On with it!

Sunday, January 27, 2002

SUCK COCK FOR younger looking skin no surgery.

This is the subject line that greeted me when I checked my dogmail account this morning. I, of course, was completely intrigued. "All I have to do for younger-looking skin is suck more cock? You've GOT to be kidding!" (Note: If you think I'm being serious, you're a flaming dumbass)

I opened the message to find that it was a message sent by some person claiming, at least, to be named Veronica, who seems to like them young. One line of the message was "If you are under 12 I would love to suck your cock or eat your pussy!" The rest of the message seemed basically just to be talking about...well, her nymphomaniac condition fand how she wanted you to call one of her two phone numbers for free phone sex, etc. What chagrinned me the most- if the word "chagrin" fits there- is that her numbers had a maine postal code. Come to think of it, they might have been based in auburn. *Checks* Nope....but I don't know, I don't like to think of maine this way.

I forwarded the e-mail to, panax being her ISP. I think I will be pretty disappointed if they don't respond.

I don't know why any of this is noteworthy enough to blog about....or whether it is, but it's 10:45 am and on a normal sunday, I would NOT be up this early.


On with it.