Saturday, February 02, 2002

Did my heart love till now? Forswear it, sight,
For I ne’er saw true beauty till this night.

At Jeff's house tonight, I was leafing through his yearbooks, pointing out which people were funny-looking and which were hot, and how dumb all his friends looked when they were younger, and when we happened upon his senior year book, I was struck- I saw Katie Snyder for the first time, and her picture changed my life. Music played. I literally heard, in the back of my mind, Tchiakovski's Romeo and Juliet. I looked her up in his other yearbooks, and she was beautiful, but no picture was ever so breathtaking as the one of her her junior year.

Jeff was seemingly jealous, or at least perturbed, by my fascination with her, and while it wasn't entirely unwarranted- after just seeing this timeless visage for a fleeting moment, I know without quesiton that I would give her anything she ever asked of me- I hope he realizes he shouldn't feel threatened. I feel as strongly about her as I ever have about someone who I know nothing about more than a year of graduation, a name, and three strongly about her as anyone could a picture, I suppose, but she is, in fact, a picture right now. I wonder if she would even be as awesome (in the literal sense of the word) in color as she was in black and white. I would not endanger my relationship with him for a silly pipe dream- a girl who might have a million faults, and is probably entirely too heterosexual and christian (she was wearing a cross) for me.

Still, the moment his car drove out of my sight, I stood in the living room for only a moment letting the fading feel of his touch bewilder me before running upstairs and logging onto ICQ to find her- there are a LOT of Katie Snyders. It's most upsetting. I find myself compelled to find her, to tell her that her picture is the reason poets write, the reason that the clouds part in such a way as to give sunlight to a face like hers. To tell her that I heard Tchiakovski in my mind the moment I first beheld her and that she is the first person who ever made Shakespeare sound credible to me. To compare her to a summer's day, if she would let me.

Which, let's face it, she wouldn't. And I am not in love with Katie Snyder; I am in love with Jeffrey L.. And were they both before me, wanting me, asking me to be with them forever with their eyes, I would undoubtedly choose- oh, let's not finish that. Jeff checks the site from time to time, and I don't want to make him feel any worse ;-)

(just kidding babe)

I'm going to go and do my best to sleep in heaven tonight- I don't know who my thoughts will be about, but if it's Katie, that's because people like her are what dreams are made of. But people like Jeff are why it's worth waking up.

On with it!