Friday, May 22, 2009

Let's go for a listy post. Don't worry, it will still be ridiculously self-interested.

What I used to like about myself better before than I do now:
-I used to be a better, more passionate writer.

-I used to have a better command of vocabulary.
-I used to be less ashamed and private. I tell my friends far less about my life than I used to.
-I used to be less afraid of failure, or, at least, I used to have no concept of the fact that I was afraid of failure.

What I like more about myself now than I used to:
-I'm slowly learning the value of learning-- to be patient for progress, to put time into what I want to achieve.
-I'm getting braver about going after what I want to learn and know and be.
-I'm getting better with money and financial decisions.
-My balance, posture, and flexibility are getting better. Flexibility is the important one on there.
-Not very long ago, it would have been like pulling fucking teeth to try and write this next list.

What I do like about myself, right now:
-I'm not afraid to sing karaoke.
-I'm one of the most non-judgmental people I know, and when I catch myself passing judgment, I work on it.
-I have really good, really varied taste in music.

-I'm ambitious about learning.
-I'm fairly self-aware. Even when I'm making idiot decisions based on low self-esteem or tiny chemicals firing off in my brain, I know that's why I'm making them.
-I really prefer giving to receiving, at least as far as gifts are concerned. Giving thoughtful gifts is one of my favorite things to do.

-I don't kill bugs. I tend to make an attempt to usher them outside if I think they're in danger of being killed by someone else.
-I like to dance, and I do it in my living room quite often, and, most of the time, I'm not too embarrassed to do it in front of other people.
-I see the good in people. The people I love, I love with a great deal of sincerity.

There are downfalls to that last list. I'm maybe, too ambitious about learning, and I have to pair that up with having a relatively poor attention span-- thusly, I invest time and money in all kinds of things I want to learn, and then drop them, most of the time, before making real progress. And I'm starting to rethink the killing bugs thing when it comes to mosquitoes. And the seeing the good in people thing, well, that ends up meaning that I'm attracted to a lot of people. Pair that up with poor self-esteem, something to prove, and a wedding ring, and you've got a really dangerous combination. And being self-aware, even when I'm making idiot decisions, leads to me calling myself an idiot a lot. A lot a lot.

And the gift thing doesn't always reconcile with the good financial decisions thing, but I'm getting closer. And the thing where I never could have written that last list, well, leave it up to me to have to write two paragraphs of qualifiers after a list of my strengths.

This whole post seemed like it had a whole lot more potential, seemed like it would be more satisfying to write when I conceived it about an hour ago. At the time, I was abuzz with exercise-induced endorphins, feeling uncharacteristically confident, uncharacteristically capable of living up to my ambitions, focusing on what I want and working through the slow progress. It doesn't feel as true anymore, but, then, one of the things I want is to start writing on this again, reconnect with my passion, get beyond the shame-- and hey, here's a post. That must mean something.

Unless it doesn't. I guess we'll see.

On with it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

I imagine the secret to writing a bestselling self-help book is just to keep notes of all the great advice you give yourself that you totally ignore. Let's go over some of these gems of wisdom-- free of charge, from me to you, because god knows I'm doing fucking nothing with them.

-When your feeling like you're not worth someone's attention, do something that gets you closer to being that totally kick-ass person that everyone wants to know. Learn an language. Exercise. Singing lessons. Dance.

Me? I have spent money on the Rosetta Stone software for French, Yoga Booty Ballet, Tae Bo, Richard Simmon's Sweatin' to the Oldies, Singing for Dummies, and a brand new pair of tap shoes. But, hell, wallowing is free, so why not?

-Text messaging is the devil. It really one of the all-time lowest forms of communication. "Hey, I don't feel comfortable enough with you, close friend of mine, to risk you answering the phone. But I wanted you to know I was thinking about you!" Over and over again. The dangers of text messaging are numerous: you never know what you're interrupting, and when somebody doesn't answer, you just know it's because they're in fucking Bali doing body shots off of the svelte natives, and my, what an exciting life they must have. And my, how pathetic you are. Furthermore, you never know when the conversation has ended, and if you're engaged in it-- and you are, namely because you aren't in Bali, you're home, and home sucks-- you're going to check your phone every five minutes for the rest of the day. Because they *could* get back to you any second.

I mean, they aren't going to, but they could.

Found yourself doing this? Take my advice right away-- delete that person's contact information. You'll still be able to respond to any texts sent directly to you, but you won't be able to initiate again and again and again. You'll hear from them eventually, when they realize how much the miss hearing from you twenty-six times a day. Really. Really.

Me? I edited the contact information so it reads "Don't." instead of the person's name. That's close, right?

-Keep in mind that however fantastic you are, there is nothing whatsoever compelling about someone who sits around waiting for someone else to make them feel fantastic. It's not sexy to prostrate yourself to the idea of someone else. The only thing that's going to stop you from being worth their time is sitting around, wondering whether or not you are.

...unless I'm not.

On with it.