Friday, May 23, 2003

Well, Mr. Ladd has managed to instill a certain confidence in me about this whole Chad coming home situation, on the plus side. On the minus side, it seems I immediately leap upon the bus of the newest insecurity-- or even the older, somewhat unresolved ones-- immediately after getting rid of one.

I haven't mentioned on this yet-- only to each and every one of you individually, I suspect-- that I have now inherited my Grandmother's engagement ring. I was nervous for a long time that it would be hideous, but it turns out it's beautiful, and fits my hand perfectly...except that looking down at it, I still get the sense that it's fake, that it's a commonplace ten dollar Wal*Mart ring that I'm wearing as a momentary fad instead of a valuable diamond that signifies the permanence of mine and Zack's relationship. Even with my disbelief as to it's genuinity, though, the pressure of it is bearing down on me. It would be one thing if Zack and I had gotten this ring on our own terms, but with an inherited ring comes a sense of responsibility: This ring was a token of the love of my grandmother and grandfather, who are now both laying in their graves, juxtaposed, and that creates quite a legacy to uphold. A lifetime of fidelity, trust, forgiveness and love. How can four words that sound like such good things become so frightening when combined with the word "lifetime"?

Still, for all the fear in the world, the idea of lying in my grave next to Zack makes death seem happier. If he and I are to die before we're married, somebody make sure we're buried together. Or, I dunno, burned together and spread throughout some common beautiful place. Or embalmed and made into a living display of our love-- two dead bodies, fucking eternally. Eeeeewwww.

"Oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place
Each time a curtain opens, sunlight pours in, a lifetime melts away
And we share a name on some picturesque grave."
~Bright Eyes

That last line is so unexpectedly romantic. It's what got me thinking about the idea of that in the first place, how beautiful it would be.

I am flipping through some pictures I've recently taken. The film was supposed to be for prom, but stopping the action of prom to take pictures of people never ends up interesting, so I took a few before it happened and, the next night or so, I ended finishing up the roll with pictures of Zack. I managed to capture so much playful, gorgeous essence of him that's been lacking in pictures I've taken previously, I'm enamoured with this roll. My mom, looking through them and expecting to see more prom pictures than were there, commented, "You'd think there were no one in the world but Zack."

Yeah. That's pretty much it.

Ben, today, apologized for the way he and I have been interacting lately, and for the way he's been unsupportive of mine and Zack's relationship. I should have shared in more of the blame, thinking back on it-- I first told Ben about my engagement when I was still engulfed in overwhelming doubt, and I confided in him, above every else, about how likely I thought we were to break up before marraige. Because Ben seemed the one to tell, back then. But some combination of my hopeful love life and his disasterous one has pushed us opposite directions as far as a life outlook is concerned, and this has made things difficult for us. I can't speak for him, but it was enormously hurtful for spare details, I'm glad it's over. I have to thank him for being willing to be the one to apologize. This start towards he and I rekindling the kind of chemistry we used to have...minus the, uh, gratuitous sexual advances, was the little victory I needed today, and it came on unexpectedly.

Almost too unexpectedly to be fueled by his unprompted remorse, I suspected, so I asked Casey if he had anything to do with it. His response was "I might have." I don't know if this meant that, yes, he had talked to Ben, but he didn't want to admit it completely or that he honestly wasn't sure, but I got a real sense that he was, once again, working to preserve my feelings. And this makes me feel.....oh, man. I love Casey. A fucking lot.

And I love Ben. That's worth mention, too. They really don't make them anywhere else in the world like they do in Auburn.

That should be on their town signs. "Welcome to Auburn, Maine: We have wonderful boys!"

Hmmmm....86 that.

Outright prom tomorrow, EL prom sunday. I'm attending the latter with Casey. That has me thrilled....while there's nothing like being with Zack under any circumstances, Lisbon's prom this year was rather dissapointing, as ever. And while I don't vy for this year to be anything like last year-- in the infidelity department, especially-- I can't wait to walk into the hall on Casey's arm. Everyone, by now, is well aware of my little extra-marital crush on Casey, and while I still insist that nothing will happen between us, I'm endlessly glad with the fact that Zack's okay with the type of relationship that we have. Because whether or not I could give him up for Zack-- which is debatable-- I really, really don't want to give him up for anything.

Serena and I were just planning our outfit for tomorrow's outright prom, which is an alternative liftestyles prom, if you're wondering. Looks like I may be combining some lingerie I have with a plaid skirt and white shirt, some thigh-highs and tall "fuck me...if I weren't engaged" boots, and go for the dirty catholic schoolgirl motif. And while I shall remain absolutely "good" at all times, I'm-a gonna have me some fun tomorrow. Yee-haw.

My name is Linda, and I've been very, very bad. On with it.

Tuesday, May 20, 2003

"They will detail their pain
In some standard refrain.
They will recite their sadness
Like it's some kind of contest.
Well, if it is, I think I am winning it,
All beaming with confidence
as I make my final lap.
The gold medal gleams
so hang it around my neck
cause I am deserving it:
the champion of idiots.

But a kid carries his walkman on that long bus ride to Omaha.
I know a girl who cries when she practices violin.
Cause each note sounds so pure, it just cuts into her,
and then the melody comes pouring out her eyes.
Now to me, everything else, it just sounds like a lie."
~Bright Eyes, "Going for the Gold"

I hadn't bothered with this band for a while. I was infatuated for a while, then I just sort of let it be. I think I'm in a state of mind where I can get into them again, lately. Things seem to be awkward for me, right now.

And maybe I'll make great strides on that CD I want to make, with all the most depressing songs on it. And if I could stop for a moment to think of anyone but me, I could be writing great poetry.

And if I weren't so afraid that this computer would have a hiccup and delete all my thoughts and emotions, this page would have been filled to the brim with new posts. For all the people who strangely, unexpectedly, have been showing support for this thing lately.

Elorza and Casey and Christina, from Arby's, who set me off on one of my mind-bending emotional fests yesterday, by making quite the public spectacle of Zack's scarred ways, at least in my mind. Which seems...hatefully ironic, as I sit here writing about the event itself, fighting between my remorselesness and my remorse of my remorselessness.

I am scared, lately, that Chad's coming home for the summer is going to uncover some horrible truth about mine and Zack's relationship. I am scared that my insecurities will get the better of me, as they seem to have done repeatedly as of late. I am scared that if I remedy my insecurity, my reliance on certain people-- Zack especially-- will decrease, and therefore my love of them will change and become less...crucial and all-consuming, I guess. I am scared that if I do not act on this problem of insecurity, it will keep getting worse, and I will die of it. I am scared I will have more nights like tonight.

I am scared that if I do try to fix my insecurities, I may find myself faced with an insurmountable problem. I am scared that if it seems I cannot fix it any other way, I will be tempted to go back to the way it was, before Zack and, previousy, Chad's attentions awoke me to the part of myself that needs to be treated like a porcelain doll. I am scared of needing to be treated like a porcelain doll.

And I want to know where my strength left, and concerned that my love of Zack has changed me so profoundly. And I want to know where, in my life, that makes room for people like Casey, who do not treat me with any particular gentility, but not without tremedous love. And I want to know where my mind went, and how much of all my issues as of late come from the sexual abuse in my past.

And I want to know what's going to become of me when I finally face that.

On with it.