Saturday, January 19, 2002

My high has calmed down, as high's tend to do. I'm remembering that the story I'm listening to, for a second time, was, in reality, a sad one. And I sort of want to be listening to "Call and Answer".

And I miss Jeremey, and I miss Jeff, but not in a way that him being here could really cure. Something's rather lost. As some things are with Jeremey....if I ever had a chance of ever getting to talk to him many things would be different.

So many things are constantly becoming different. I wish I could still cry.

There are a few things that always get me that haven't recently, not enough to bring tears to my eyes- reading my list on my duchess website, watching the final episode of The Golden Girls (though, admittedly, not all the way through), of the more painful Jeremey conversations. I'm gonna try this one I had with Eloza once that I saved as "Don't read if you don't wanna cry again.htm". I'll let you know if it works.

On with it.
Jacquie and I are talking, she is too cool shit. I've just taught her how to make a link- that's my accomplishment for the day.

By the way, here's a link to her site- I've been hoarding it away because I felt like being selfish and keeping her from my beautiful public (ha, ha ha!) because I wanted to keep her precocious wonder to myself, but since she put a link to mine on hers, I felt it would be rude not to return the favor. And you deserve her if you have good enough taste to check my site, anyway.

Today was good. I woke up at 1:30 when Jenn called, and we went to Wal*Mart, where I went INSANE because I didn't see anyone I knew, for sure, until we were leaving, when I spotted Serena's parents and went mad with thanking them for merely existing. Then we came back here and watched both American Pie movies- they are both super-cool "feel good flicks", but...yeah, certain ideas that I can't seem to stop thinking about lately depressed me. I need to fucking get over some things.

Yesterday was good, too- aside from spending tons of time having no clue what to do with myself, I went to the concert- Triangle Sleep fucking rocked, comme toujours, though they did something that kinda pissed me off a little. I can't stop myself from wanting to shout my adoration of 0% Real from the roof tops- Chase and Mike especially impress the FUCK out of me...and they impressed Jeff more. Though nothing was more jaw-dropping than this ultimately amazing improv thing that Bobby and Chuck....accomplished, really. Like 5 minutes or something of just playing off each other perfectly. Sam said he wasn't doing as well as he would have liked to during that, but damn, I was still humbled. People were literally lining up just to touch them after that. I hugged all of them, I was amazed.

People from Lisbon are amazing. So are people from everywhere else.

I'm liking life at this exact moment- I'm listening to the Hunchback soundtrack- in case I haven't drilled it into people's minds yet, this music is endlessly important to me. It infuses me. It gives me a rush like nothing else can. I wrote a journal entry to Mr. Hall about how if one day I could perform this the way they do in Disney World, I would be willing to forfeit every other aspiration I've ever had.

Keep dreaming, tonsil-voice!

Jacquie: hello
FieryGwenivere: yo
Jacquie: haha, you be ghetto?
FieryGwenivere: Hehe, no. My best friend online is, though, I've picked up a lot from him
FieryGwenivere: for instance the phrase "wordle bonds". Which apparently means "yes"
Jacquie: Oh, haha
Jacquie: wordle bonds means yes...whoa
Jacquie: cool, that would be some phrase that would confuse me A LOT if someone didn't explain it to m
Jacquie: *me
Jacquie: i'd think it would be some sex slang
FieryGwenivere: it means basically "yes". It's like an affirmative response
FieryGwenivere: hahaha, can you imagine two people having sex, and instead of moaning "yes, yes, yes" the chick just says "ooooh, WORDLE BOOOOONDS!!! WORDLE BONDS!"
Jacquie: Hm. Never heard that, you learn something new everyday
Jacquie: that would be SOOOO funny
Jacquie: HAHA
FieryGwenivere: "Oh, baby, wordle bonds. Your g-funk is in my crib, gangsta-man. Mmmm-mmm, schnizzle my nizzle."
Jacquie: I always say shizzle my nizzle with my non-ghetto friend. I just insert it whenever it's the most non relevant thing in the world
FieryGwenivere: :-) Awesome. You're my new hero

Andrew (Lunt) seems weirded out by the idea that Elorza is coming up for prom....a concept that I can't even let run through my head for a moment without smiling and shrugging my shoulders in delight.

"You're aces, kid!"

I don't know why I through that in.

I'm all smiles right now, this sooooo seldomly happens. Nick is coming over tomorrow! Hurrah! I miss him, I miss spending time with him and having conversations and beating the shit out of him and insulting each other. He's exactly what I need right now.

I know I'll have more to write later, but I want to post. Maybe I'll save anything else I have to say for an e-mail to Mitch or Elorza. It's been a while since I've written either or them- a MUCH longer while for Elorza, but either way, they're both due for one.

*Waits patiently for a song that she can quote to come on...fuck it*

On with it!

Friday, January 18, 2002

Willaston's lounge rules- here's the results of all three of his tests for me (Not that ANYONE really cares, but I'm on a test-taking role today. So suck my balls, Mr. Garrison. (I swear, I don't go around saying that all the time...ugh!)

Which Internal Organ are you? Find out at willaston's lounge!

Take the Corporate Mascot Test at Willaston's Lounge!

And finally, my personal favorite, the results of my "Are you sick of online personality tests" test.

Are you sick of online personality tests?

I highly suggest you take that last one. I'd be interested to know your results.

I guess I can understand the need to take them, but who MAKES these things? Unless it's, like, obscenely easy to do....well, I could see myself putting effort into something like that if it were about me, but, yeah, like the man said- I'm Tony the Tiger and I'm all about myself.

I'm Grrrrrr-eat! On with it.
Drink me!

Which drink are you?

A pink lady, eh? Anyone wanna take me to get one of me?

That is, if I COULD stomach alcohol (and was 21). Bleck.

On with it.
Very few movies do for me what "American Beauty" does. I started watching it yesterday and finished just now- I seem to be watching everything in segments lately.

The thing that gets me about it, aside from the gorgeous message and the awesome acting and the beautiful cinematography, the thing that I like about it the most is it's realness. It's so genuine. Life is so like that.

Mine, anyway. Okay, so my dad isn't....well, Spenser Burnham and my mother isn't Caroline Burnham, and I'd like to think I'm a lot different than Jane, the actress who played her having been someone that everyone thought I looked like when we were both around eight, but.....there are so many themes in it that just apply to me so much.

I'm a lot like Mena Suvari's character...Angela, whatever. The whole father-figure let's-fuck-old-guys thing. When she gets vulnerable, anyway. Not that I've ever fucked an old guy....or any guy. But whatever, I don't want to give away too much of the movie. But just...damn it, watch it if you haven't seen it. Watch it and see life in it's rawest form.

And get scared shitless.

Maybe I'm going overboard- maybe it's not all THAT real, but it's a lot harder-hitting than most of the movies I've seen recently.

So I e-mailed Jacquie, and she e-mailed me back- this is cool. I apparently forgot to send her a link to my site, and I'm sort of wary of doing so- at fourteen, someone who openly talked about their mastubatory habits and strange thoughts on bowel movements would freak me the hell out. But I want her to read some of my stuff, anyway, and, hey, for the most part, I'm not all THAT scary, am I?

*Note: Please don't answer that.

Feels weird to be this awake and not have to go to school for the rest of the day- screw you, midterms! I need to bathe, change, find my Triangle Sleep T-shirt (Yes! A show tonight! Yes yes yes! Be at Lewiston High School at 6 p.m. if you want to see the Garage Band Geniuses Triangle Sleep, 0% Real AND Ties of Seven and spent the night being blown away.) e-mail Jacquie with a link (*gets all nervous*) and watch another movie or two....right now I'm not really in the mood for "From Here To Eternity" or "New York Stories", but who knows. If not, I'll just watch one of the ones we own that I've already seen a thousand times.

Or, you know, at least half of it.

On with it!

Thursday, January 17, 2002

I didn't post yesterday, either? Are we fucking serious? Oh...look at that. I'm a moron. 3 of those were yesterday stuff. I'm a moron again.

Okay, well, after I posted all of that yesterday, Jenn and I walked down to movieland- this week's selections are:
"From Here to Eternity"
"New York Stories"
"American Beauty"
And "The Object of My Affection" which I have just finished watching in my second sitting.

I love that movie. I love ALL the great gay man/straight woman love stories- "The Next Best Thing" rocked my socks, to take one of my fellow blogger Jacquie's sayings, and while I don't remember "My Best Friend's Wedding" except that I had a sort of vague appreciation for it, I am almost absolutely sure I would love it.

One bothersome aspect of it, though- the reaffirmation of the fact that men and women cannot be just friends. Billy Crystal, or, more accurately, Harry, played with this idea in "When Harry Met Sally"- he explained it in great detail at the beginning of the movie and firmly believed in it, then he proved himself wrong when he became friends with her.

I'm a firm believed in NOT giving away the end's of movies that people intend to see, and I think it should be a requirement of life that everyone see "When Harry Met Sally", so if you have not see the movie yet, I hereby demand you skip the italicized paragraph, go to the movie store, rent the movie, watch it, then come back and read. Seriously. I'll hunt you down otherwise.

The problem is, he proves the theory wrong by becoming friends with her, and then ultimately falls in love with her. So is the moral that it is possible for men and women to be friends or impossible? Argh!!!

Alright, you uncultured swine, you can come back now.

I am tremendously frustrated by the possibility that men and women can't be just friends without ever having the attraction card play at least some role. (Yeah, I like my cars fast and my metaphors mixed!) This is because, in reality, while most of my friends are guys, it's ALWAYS played a role at some point in our relationship- either I've become attracted to them at some point or they have become attracted to me, or they felt me up or I groped them, or one of us thought we were getting mixed messages or other people thought we were flirting, or we clearly were flirting or we ended up making out, or I got pregnant and he demanded I have an abortion.....something, all the damn time. After a while, the attraction subsides or the groping is left behind for something better or people start to realize that it is possible for two people of the opposite sex to have a conversation without flirting or I change my name and move to a new town, but the relationship is rarely left completely the same.

Assuming there's no way for none of those things to happen, let's consider if it's possible for a guy and a girl to be close friends without one becoming very attracted to the other- my first male friend who I would consider to have been one of my best friends was Jeremey. And, uh, yeah- while I eventually learned that our relationship was meant to be completely platonic, originally he had me on a chain like a puppy of love. (Did I just type that?) Next in line was probably Chris (R), with whom I switched roles of "who is in love with whom" every few weeks, never once lining up- today, we could basically stay inside the lines of friendship if we ever really talked, but was awkward back then. Somewhere in freshmen year there was about five minutes of best friend-ship with Chris (P), but I wanted to date him desperately and when he wasn't allowed to- stupid Mormon rules, our friendship went down the drain like so many macaroni being washed off a plate. Uhm....there was a friendship with Bobby that turned sexual quickly and left me out in the romantic cold, but I wouldn't have considered him all THAT close to me, and then the friendship with Mike had a run-in with "I love you, I love you more"ism before he decided to whisper sweet nothing's to my best female friend, instead. Mark and I didn't stay just friends for very long- we went to the prom together, stopped hanging out for a really long time, then started becoming friends again, only to become more in my sophomore year. As Mark's and my relationship progressed, I got closer and closer to Elorza online, and shortly after I decided he was the best friend I had, I developed feelings for him which I managed to extinguish before it ruined Mark and me....and just shortly after he got around to mentioning he was dating someone. After Mark and I broke up....jeez, I had a lot of female friends for a while, and Andrew and I started to get close. By the time we had even admitted we were important to each other it was clear we were going to end up in a relationship. During that relationship, I got closer and closer to both Ben and Nick, both of which I've had certain run-ins of a romantic nature with. Andrew and I broke up, and along with Nick and Ben, I had another rendez-vous with someone that, while we've never, ever been completely platonic, due to *ahem* a TINY age difference, along with some other things, we really shouldn't be anything else.

Jeff and I were friends, well, real-life friends, for.....uhm, apparently only a little less than a year, I was thinking it was longer, before the concept of involvement was introduced. I used to pride myself in telling people that he was only my friend, it felt good to have a guy I could be like that without any kind of romance involved. I thought it was testament to the fact that things don't have to be romantic or sexual to be incredibly good....but yeah, that's...well, clearly not how we are anymore.

I want to have a friendship with a guy again. Chicks just don't cut it.

"American Beauty" next, eh? So maybe you'll get another rant on fucked up family life, or roses.

On with it.

Wednesday, January 16, 2002 (I think that's what it was anyway) said that my theme song, which is sorta the same is anthem, is "Walking on Sunshine." One of these days, I'm going to take every "What's your song?" test on the internet and make myself a CD of the results.

Doubt I'll like it much.

(Note: This post REALLY should have been part of the last one.)

On with it.
My anthem is:
"Electro-Shock Blues," by Eels.
I'm a very giving person, which means I frequently cut myself short. Everyone sees me as being perfectly alright, without any huge problems of my own, but I beg to differ. Even when I ask for help, no one really believes me... I'm trying, but it's not easy.
Find out what YOUR anthem is HERE!

Uhm...never heard the song, but let's get serious here- how many of you ACTUALLY think I have no huge problems?

yeah...I know...I'm still online...ugh....

On with it.

DIdn't update yesterday- went from school to the Quill- the school's literary magazine of which I am the editor-in-chief (pretty much just the editor, but I like saying it like that) to CRT, where I faked a stunning presentation that had a bisexual chick hitting on me- again :-) - and then home for a little less than an hour to eat and move my futon mattress back into my room (I think the....bed-part-thingy is REALLY {at least somewhat} fixed this time!) and then to Mark's birthday party, which wasn't as totally scary as I was expecting to be.

Quote of the day from yesterday: "I like seeing Bill Clinton on T.V. He excites me." ~Mark's, like, 80-year-old grandmother.

Meant to come home early enough to do at least SOME studying done for today, but yeah, no, mark's car got snowed in and I had to wait for his brother to drive me home on his way to work. He has a really suprisingly nice car for a guy who works at a mill.

After I returned, I tried to read a story I thought I was going to use for the subject of my English test (an essay) today, but I could not stand to stay awake long enough so I said fuck it, and I ended up using the Great Gatsby anyway. (And it's probably safe for me to say on here, I never actuallly read that either. Parts of it, though.)

One of Elorza's screennames is on right now, but he's either ignoring me on purpose- which I really don't believe he would do- or he's....not there. I'd be hoping he'll come back, but yeah.....I dunno, I'm not really in a mood to be sitting at a computer right now.

Such irony- I go to school and work and wait and wait and wait for 2:12, come home to relax, and immediately start doing something I'm not really interested in doing.

"I never knew I had a dream until that dream was you."

I love that line....well, no, but I like it. It's nothing compaired to classic Bon Jovi, but it's nice. It's a beautiful concept- to be so solely the object of someone's love that they didn't even realize, before they met you, that love was anything they wanted.

I need to bathe. I didn't even bother changing most of my clothing before I went to school this morning. Fuck looking good for finals. Who gives a shit?

And just incase that last point didn't make the profanity quota: bitch-damn-cocksucker.

I thought I was supposed to see Andrew after school today, but I looked all around for him to no avail, so it's probably just that I go the days mixed up. I'm pretty dumb when it comes to that sorta thing. I'm seeing Mark tonight for the last time till he goes back to school. Tomorrow I'm thus far planless, but I should probably remain that way and really start concentrating on aps.

Yeah, that's it. :-}

I REALLY have to e-mail Jeff, it's, way over a week ago. On the sixth, apparently, and even then it was utiliatarian. That's not normal for us. I have to let him know that some plans have changed, too, but yeah, can't stand to stay on this damned contraption too much longer. I don't mind doing the blog thing, but after I'm finished with it, I pretty much just end up waiting around until I find something else to blog about.

The secret to quality web-journaling.

On with it.

Monday, January 14, 2002

I'm loving the school's uncharacteristically fast connection right now. It's been a while since I've stayed after school for the merits of staying after school...which isn't really why I'm staying now. I'm staying now because I my ride home was sick from school today, so Mom is just picking me up here on our way to Señor El Laddo.

Haha! I've just made apparently a risqué comment on the boxer's of a guy's boxers in front of his girlfriend. She seems surprised that I've ever seen the seem of his boxers, but come on now- at one time or another, people generally see the seems of a boxers-wearing guys boxers. At least at a high school level. She must be threatened because she knows I have something of a history of him, even though it's a short, shameful history that involved very little other than his overtures for me and my encouragement of them. And one dance, during which you could not have fit a piece of onion paper between us. But I'm not proud of this. And she has nothing to worry about.

:-) Except that I'm sure he never got over me. Who ever really does?

Ah, how I love being completely, completely deluded.

Midterms this week. Ugh. Wenesday is going to be the bitch of the week. I should be able to handle the rest, though.

My parents are apparently going somewhere this weekend, and my mother suggested that if I have plans, I keep them located in the house. I don't know if she could have more blatantly said "Have your boyfriend sleep over", but she certainly didn't need to try. Not that I don't know that that's the LAST thing she would want, I just don't care. I'm not having sex with him, and if she doesn't trust that, it's my job as an unscrupulous teenager to find ways to get past her distrust. For instance, by giving her still more reason to distrust me.

And at the age of seventeen, that somehow makes sense to me. Ah, how I love being young and able to convince myself that I'm right no matter what.

If my parents decide randomly to stay home for whatever reason, I'll be intensely disappointed. No, I don't want privacy so that we can run through my house naked sporatically commiting sexual acts on otherwise functional pieces of furniture, like the dryer or Austin's race car bed, get drunk and high and create a disturbance. Other than the fact that it would be kinda cool to make out on Austin's race car bed, I'm pretty much against all of those things. I, the ever-defiant teenager, am going against my parent's backs simply for the oppurtunity to wake up in his arms- having spent the night fully clothed, even. I'd sleep with my shoes on if it would convince her to let me spend the night there while she's home, but since NOTHING in the world would possibly convince her to, I must go behind my back.

As I'm sure is apparent, I'm trying to impress upon you all that I am not a reckless, defiant slut. It's simply that my mother is incredibly paranoid.

Well.....maybe not INCREDIBLY. :-)

On with it.

I guess maybe now I'm reading through happy conversations to try to block out reading the Kristen one. Maybe just because I'm bored. Can't be that- I meant to be asleep a while ago. Damned machine. Anyway, there are certain aspects of me and Andrew's (Lunt) friendship I'm beginning to miss.

Sybarite de Sade (Linda's other screenname): haha, you suck
Andrew: Right now you're supposed to punch me a couple of times
Sybarite de Sade: *I punch you a couple of times*
Andrew: *Winces and begins to cry*
Sybarite de Sade: heheheh
Sybarite de Sade: *enjoys watching your pain*
Andrew: *would probably think Linda's sadism entertaining if not nestled unconscious in a pool of his own blood*
Sybarite de Sade: *definitely thinks andrew nestled unconscious in a pool of his own blood is entertaining*
Andrew: *slowly goes into cardiac arrest and is unable to tell whether Linda has a moment to stop laughing and call a mortician*
Sybarite de Sade: *calls a pizza delivery guy*

Wow....I've just read the whole conversation, and while most of it was really nice, the end was really fucking awful. GODDAMN, I AM FUCKING STUPID! I told him I loved him and he didn't say it back and I went insane. (I ain't never going to bed at this rate)

Ah fuck. I opened a conversation called "Always Welcome" and found myself pleasantly surprised that I had it with this guy Jeff, from Maryland, who is probably the second coolest online discovery I've ever made, he's amazing. He always makes me happy, so I figured "Boom, happy conversation!" (Jeff's...argot...stuck head), but the conversation ended up being from one of the many times I was trying to ween myself away from Elorza...incredibly unsuccessfully. It was bad.

I'm just doomed tonight. Time for tylenol pm.

On with it!
Hehehehehehe, Aaron and I are talking about sex, it's great. We haven't had a two-sided converation in a long time.

He frustrates me pretty often, so it's rare that I get an oppurtunity to say anything good about him, but right now he's pleasing me. So I thought I'd document it while I can.

On with it!
Sometimes I'm really, really convinced that I need to trash some of my older conversations. The saved ones that can only make me feel goddamned bad about myself.

Realizing, moments ago, that I really don't remember very clearly the details of what happened when Kristen and Jeff broke up, I decided to re-read the conversation with him I saved from that night.

Have you ever noticed that when you read a saved AIM conversation, it sorta still has some vague feeling that it's happening at the time that you're reading it? All the emotions from the past somehow get catapulted into the future with...well, at least adequate accuracy. And yeah, not to be overly blunt but...well, it would do me good not to think about how in love with her he was, and definitely not to read that...well, ever again if I can possibly avoid it.

Okay, wow, and now I've just read an old e-mail that ended up in him talking about doing shit he used to do after he got hurt by her again, holy shit. I have to stop dredging up the past.

Ugh...remind me not to ever remind myself of the fact that some people do have a history. Good thing I already decided to medicate myself to sleep tonight.

Let's get the fuck on with it.

Sunday, January 13, 2002

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

So, yeah, the weather here is fucking awful, which sucks because it probably means my mother is going to stamp a big-ass no go on seeing Jeff tonight, which would be my last oopurtunity before he goes back to college.

"I'm innocent
So you can suck me!
Take that one to heart!"

I'm listening to eh album that I BELIEVE is called "Appetite for Destruction" by Guns N' Roses. I think I prefer the one Mark and I were listening to last night...uh, "Use Your Illusion 1". I think. Though Paradise City does seem to work into me and Ben's conversation.

FieryGwenivere: so what has you feeling this way?
Ben: life in general. School, the good ol' personal life, my parents..
FieryGwenivere: yeah, your parents are even frustrating me. I'm glad I have mine so fucking whipped.
FieryGwenivere: And school sucks balls.
Ben: Mine are such random bastards. Random is fine, but there should be intelligence behind it. They're just stupid and rando,
Ben: and school can go and fuck a harvester combine, for all I care
FieryGwenivere: yeah, yeah, I totally agree. Like I said- we need to escape to...where did we decide on last time? arizona?
FieryGwenivere: or Azoria, according to Ryan.
Ben: Azoria, yes...
Ben: Arizona, by way of Texas, so I can pick up someone cool that I kind of know.
FieryGwenivere: awesome. Let's go now.
Ben: sounds good.
FieryGwenivere: all this bullshit is a waste of our time- we're young and we're mortal. Let's leave before we're old and even more mortal.
Ben: sounds good to me.
Ben: we don't have to deal with all of this shit...we should just get up and go. And I'm sure I could find some other people who would want to do that.
FieryGwenivere: goddamn right we could
Ben: I bet Kara would be willing to truck us all out of here. We actually toyed with the idea once, a while ago...
Ben: We were randomly driving around Lisbon street, and we realized that we could blow out of the state and it would be at least 30 hours or so before anyone noticed.
FieryGwenivere: I toy with the idea every chance I get. I need someone to just fucking take me away. I won't put up much of a fight if they try to cut my string
Ben: I hear that

Tijuana with Mark last night and Arizona with Ben and Kara and whoever the hell else now. It doesn't matter where or when or with whom. All anyone really seems to be in accordance about is that it should be a lot fucking warmer than it is here.

Wanna come? You're so invited.

On with it.
Mark was over for a really long time tonight, it was extremely relaxing and very nice- like almost seven hours of vegetating and listening to Guns N' Roses and Aerosmith

At first he got me pretty stressed out about something...a facet of my new found life I hadn't even considered yet. And frankly, I do NOT want to consider it in any way, shape, or form, but, yeah, I basically have to. My god, it sucks. This is the kind of bullshit I didn't really realize would ever apply to me, fully anyway, before he hit me with it today. Probably a good thing that he did...but jesus....I guess I never realized I'm as much of a naive teenager as I am.

All my life, I've tried to stay positive."

Ugh, that line does NOT apply to me in anyway, but I've found myself thinking a lot about that fucking play. Damn, did I love that fucking play. (And now anyone who's been at Lisbon High long enough to remember it is going to begin to piece things together.....and probably get a great deal of it wrong, but not entirely.)

"But now, positive is a word I fear."

I'm not sure if the word "fear" is right right there. Oh vell. Totally unimportant. (Except that's the kind of absolute bullshit that bother's me to no end- not being able to remember any tangible knowledge. Tonight, Mark and I couldn't think of the name of Salma Hayek, so I ended up singing all of "Liquid Dreams" just to get to it.)

Other than his insight into things I used to be preachy about, as well, the night was great. I thought my parents were already asleep and had every intention of just falling asleep next to him, but my dad awkwardly opened the door at one and asked if it wasn't time for Mark to leave. It was funny- you could totally tell he didn't expect to open the door to the two of us half asleep wrapped in blankets. I wonder if we looked post-coital.

We made plans to go to...fuck, he's only been gone an hour and I can't remember the name of the place. Tijuana, however taht's spelled. Just run away down there. I make those kinds of plans with people all the time. Running away into the infinite elsewhere forever. One of these days someone is going to take me seriously.

I can't wait.

On with it.