Saturday, February 09, 2002

I woke up today disturbed by one of the various sounds in my house and fought against them to stay in bed as long as possible. After a while, my father started practicing playing the guitar and singing- he had a gig tonight, as he does every saturday night, at the railroad tavern. I stand a statement I once wrote in the newsletter that my father's singing voice is the most beautiful I've ever heard. It's true.

I had had a dream last night that my family was in Disney World, and my mom and sister and the baby went off to do something, so my father and I spent the day together. He wanted to spend time with me, his little girl. It was the type of connection that I expect more well-adjusted families have in reality. Or maybe it was more of a TV show connection, but either was wonderful. I didn't think about it while I was laying in bed, listening to him sing, but later I was in the car with mom on the way to Wal*Mart and "Silver Springtime" came on- the version where the singer says "This is for you, Daddy" at the beginning. I thought about the dream, and I think that was the first time I realized it wasn't true, and I had to fight the tears. They've been coming entirely too easily lately.

We were going to Wal*Mart to buy a shirt so I could wear something new to the dance tonight. It was a great dance- I've been dancing in the shower so much lately that I was really in better shape for it than I had been for previous ones. The D.J. played a great variety and I got to dance with not just Ricky as normal, but also Johnny V. One depressing aspect- the D.J. played this weird Re-mix of...uhm...some song I can't think of right now that had a bunch of sound clips from news reports from September 11th. It was....really saddening. And they played "I'm Amazed" or "Baby I'm Amazed" or whatever- it made me think of Jeff, the way I usedf to think of him before we started dating- Ricky and I grabbed each other and went to the middle of the dance floor and I beamed through the whole thing as he and I loudly sang it off key, though for once I wasn't being off key in resentment of the couples around me, I just wanted to sing, and we all know how I sing. 'Cept those of you who don't.

My legs and feet are killing me after all of that. I sweat so much that, upon returning home, my body was begging me to replace the lost fat content of my body. I didn't disappoint it- I sat in the living room and ate the junk food I bought at Xtra Mart on the way home. My father was unloading his equipment. After he was finished, I looked at him and considered saying something that he didn't expect to hear but in general would want to from one of his daughters- "thank you for working to provide for us" or some shit. I came to the conclusion, though, that if I have to supplicate myself to him to get back the type of father I need to resolve the issues I have....I can't live with that. And I won't do it. I won't change who I am just so he'll love me.

Holy Shit, Em just made the quote of the day, it's fucking great, but it's really really insulting to a few people, so I can't put it up. I never posted yesterday's though, which was Jeff saying: (In response to my calling his penis his "member")

"I'm a prestigious club and this is my member."

It was in a really dumb voice, and there was about ten seconds of silence before he said "Holy shit, that was dumb" and we both started laughing forever. Last night, since I didn't mention it, was good.

Jeff has a roommate, Pete, and they never talk. Reportedly, the last words Jeff said to pete were "God Bless You" when Pete sneezed, and that was in December. Tonight, I came to the conclusion that Jeff and Pete's relationship vaguely reminds me of mine and my father's, except that I doubt that Jeff will be scarred for life in all of this.

Andrew and I just got into a rather large argument. Thought I'd mention that.

Chad's just IMed me. This pleases me. I want him to touch the end of my nose- it felt nice to not freak out when someone did that. I can't even touch it myself without going batty most of the time.

Another thing that pleases me is that my skin tastes very strongly of salt right now from the sweat residue on it. It's nice when one's skin varies it's flavor.

I'm sick of writing this, so I am going to stop. On with it!

Friday, February 08, 2002

The librbary is cold, and my thin bra and white shirt ar doing very little to hide the status of my body temperature. Or they were before I went into the bathroom to assuage that agitated state of Babette and Janelle, my nipples, named by Jeff a long time before we were dating, with a few tender massaging strokes. Luckily, my libido is not switched to high right now- as it DEFINITELY was yesterday, or else the friction might have only served to stir up the poor girls' attentions further.

I have just realized that it seems like a pattern- I see Jeff sunday, am satiated by that for almost the whole week, then on Thursday morning, I manage to get myself incurably horny. In general, up until that point that week, my pleasuring myself quota will be low, so I'll take care of that thursday after school......or in school, depending, and by the time I see Jeff on friday, I'm no longer worked up. I should probably change the pattern to benefit him slightly more.

Amber's comment: "And yourself, trust me."

She's watching me write this and complaining of missing her beloved ....T-shark?? Turner, my bro- brother of my oldest friend, Leigh, whom I have known since birth....I don't know if that implies I've known Leigh since she was born, I haven't. I've known her since she was one, I've known Turner since he was born. He was the brother I never knew I wanted, but now I have grown to be incredibly protective of him. Amber likes to torture me by naming off the ways she's corrupting him. I got back at her in french the other day, but I'll have to explain that later- it's lunch time.

On with it.

Thursday, February 07, 2002

Greg apparently checked my site and found out I was going to New York- or perhaps he just assumed I was because I told him I was trying to. Either way, he left a message asking me to tell him when I'm going down there and calling me Aurora- I don't know why he did, but Aurora, I believe, was the goddess of the dawn and right now- having been stressed all week about winter carnival with absolutely no outside encouragement, a Greg-figure calling me a goddess name is exactly what I needed. It's been a while since anyone's called me anything other than "Babe", "Slut" or, well, "Linda".

When Greg and I are on each other's good side, we give each other boosts that other people couldn't possibly accomplish- for either of us, I think. I complemented him once and he said it was the single most wonderful thing anyone had ever said to him, and he still uses it as an away message- with my last name spelled wrong :-) - to this day. I adore nothing more than people mentioning me in their rather public declerations- I like to think of myself as someone that my friend's other friends have heard about, so my endearingly misspelled name in Greg's away message is probably more of a thrill for me than my complement was for him.

This summer I had the infamy of being an intical part of all sorts of lives, and people made it well-known that I was. My closest ties seem to all have been...well, not severed, but lessened anyway, and I am no longer the public name I once was- except to a bunch of people in Australia a few days ago. The disappointment of not seeing my name in gracing other people's documents as often is probably the least tragic of all the affects, but it's the most tangible right now.

I could go on about this, but I still have several pages in Hunchback that will most likely go unread, at least until I have some free time tomorrow morning, and I really want to be sleeping.

Got the monkey, though.

On with it.
*Screams aloud*

There's an episode of Will & Grace on in a half hour that I've been hellbent on watching all week long, and if I miss it because of this goddamned school bullshit, I'm going to KILL something.

Oh, no, look at me! ook at me! I've just alerted the listbon school system AGAIN.

Talk about multi tasking skills- as I am typing this I am not looking at the keyboard or the sreen at all because I need to gind the missing encarta CD so I can print up an article on Victor Hugo for the french report which would have been overdue had it not been for the fact that I was at gifted and talented during the last french class.

Aside from writing a three-page report- which is supposed to be hand written, so it's not that bad- I have to read to page 93 in the hunchback of Notre Dame- I'm on page 70 right now I believe. I also had to collect materials to bring to hall decorating tomorrow, which had me wildly stressed earlier, but after an hour or so of scrounging, I now have them all except for a astronaut monkey of Emily's that I would go and collect now, except that her parents are not at home, so I must wait for Mrs. White to call me back. (Which, if it happens at all, will almost indefinitely happen during my sacred episode of Will & Grace. I have to get up well before six tomorrow in order to participate in Hall Decorating tomorrow morning- I get to be Mimi from the Drew carey show, which means I'd LIKE to be in bed by ten tonight- I still won't get 8 hours of sleep but WHEN HAVE I EVER? (Answer- last night. I was in bed by 10:15, woke up at 6:30 and snoozed till 7:11) It's unlikely that I'll be in bed by ten however being that A- I think my episode of Will & Grace may be an hour long and B- I think Jenn is going to recruit me for helping her paint. Technically, I did offer to help but DAMN, I didn't realize I'd have this much to do.

Matt Damon is going to be on tonight. I really, really wanted to see it.

And I had hall decorating is the part of winter carnival tahat I definitively decided NOT to be involved in. Tomorrow I have a rehearsal for the part of it which is just as involved and which I am the HEAD of- you guessed it, the Class Act. You should all come to the Talent Show- those of you who know me and live near here, anyway, which I see is a dwindling percentage. If we do well enough and win, it will be my crowning moment. And if we don't win, my recent hypersensitivity will probably lead to a break down. Be prepared with figts of congratulations or sincere regret. I work my ass off every year, and this is my last chance to shine along with my fellow seniors.

I'd reflect on that, but I don't have the time.

On with it.

Wednesday, February 06, 2002

Yesterday, in Mrs. Deraspe's class I discovered that lately I've been getting hits to this site in record numbers- 30 by 4:00 o'clock yesterday, 30 in all the day before that and 34 the day before that. Looking further into it, I find that there have been a number of Australians, all of them who use an ISP called "opusnet" (or something like that) who'd been on. They seemed to orginate from someone posting something about me on a newsgroup- I tried to find it on my own and couldn't, so I've got James looking for it- good to have internet-savvy friends like him. Gotta love James.

As of about 15 minutes ago, I had had 5 hits today. 5! That's, like, a record low. And all of this conspires to leave me confused as hell- yesterday I topped off at 40, today I've got 5 so far. Maybe this is because my Australian crowd has all checked me out, decided they didn't like me, and left, but...the contrast is disconcerning.

Admittedly, the bullshit I post here ISN'T entertaining.....well, it hasn't been for a while, anyway. I've had considerably less to report and considerably less time to do it in- I'm a manic sonofabitch, so you gotta know if you keep coming back, it'll get juicy again- I'll start some sort of substance abuse kick or I'll sleep with a teacher. But if no one's going to check it, why can't it just stay that way instead of getting me all messed up about it?

Watched Pay it Forward today- where, the first time the ending just pissed me the fuck off (Don't read if you haven't seen it- I thought they just tacked on that pointless ending to make a perfectly good movie sad, because people remember sad movies longer. Like taking some feel-good romantic comedy like "Only the Lonely" or "You've Got Mail" and then tacking on footage of a little boy's puppy getting run over just for affect...not that I don't realize that it was never a romantic comedy, but screw you for judging me!) this time it made me cry like a fucking baby- I've been crying A LOT lately. Pretty much all over things that normal people would cry about anyway, but it's like it went from one extreme to another really quickly. I think it's because I've been letting myself feel a lot more- especially where Jeff is concerned, lately. For a while, I had just sort of blas├ęd myself to him and our whole relationship as, I don't know, I guess a way to deal with the fact that he's gone most of the time. But it wasn't making me happy as our friendship used to, so now I'm trying to get back into the grand impassioned swing of things. It's kind of weird, but it's been worth it. I think.

My hands are still covered in dye- we did Ukranian Egg decorating in gifted and talented today- my eggs came out INCREDIBLY BADLY, but I think I'm gonna keep at it. If I could ever produce anything even a fraction as gorgeous as some of the things the teacher-chick was showing off, I'd be hooked for life. And not a bad thing to be hooked on- it would be cool to spend in the distant future, oh, six months or so just as an artisan, living on what I could make at craft fairs selling ukranian eggs. Some quaint touristy town, like Gloucester except not, or perhaps somewhere in Europe- I could adopt the accent and everything and con all the yuppie Americans into thinking they were getting some traditional European treasure. What a fine way to live, she said with an exclamation point!

I need to write- not only is my urge to be writing palpable, but I actually have an assignment that was due for creative writing tuesday, which I conveniently wasn't there for. I have a study hall the period before creative writing, so I'll probably do it then, but really....I need to cut down on writing in here and just get some quality prose done. I stand by my new year's resolution- I will be published!

Despite an immense amount of make up work, work for the class acts and...probably other things I should be doing, my goal for tonight is to shower and then get to bed on time. Normally "on time" would constitute 10:30, but I'm hoping by ten tonight. Or at least enough time to masturbate- though it's weird doing it with cathy and tony still awake and audible. My parents are in Gloucester tonight- my great Aunt Sally died. I didn't know her very well, but the sad thing is, she's the one elder in my family that I've me that I would have really liked to get to know, at least in one way or another. She seemed pleasant enough. She had a long face, she looked a lot like my uncle freddy.

Damn, I miss Gloucester. You'll fucking have to PEEL me away from it this summer. When and if I get to New York, I'll miss the hell out of being just two and a half hours away extended family, and the gorgeous coastline, and walking around there at night and stage fort park during the day.

Another place I'd like to visit this summer- Charleston, South Carolina. My Uncle Joey- the only member of my mother's side of the family to really migrate, and the most amusing of the bunch, lives there. A bunch of us visited him there when I was like, nine, and I was entranced- by the warmth and the beauty, and the spanish moss and the city atmosphere. I must go back. This summer it is!

My name is Linda and I'm going to have a busy summer. On with it!

Tuesday, February 05, 2002

Today was really good- funny as shit and entertaining and all sorts of other things, up until about ten minutes ago, maybe less, when Jeff and I's phone conversation got inexplicably tense.

It's not his fault or mine- I need to be doing something else when I'm talking on the phone basically because I need to be doing something with my hands when I'm on the phone, and he isn't the type of person who can start up new topics of conversation to bring me back to talking to him. We got into as much of an argument as we ever get into, then I pointed out that it was dumb and I told him I was sorry and I needed to go to bed anyway. But we hung up feeling unresolved.

He came online just now because I was hoping he would and he's wonderful that way. We're working it out. Which is good.

I sent Mrs. Deraspe to my site today, and I tend to forget how awkward it can be while your standing around someone who has just been exposed, for the first time, to the evidence of your bisexuality. The Katie thing.....she seemed to skip over it while I was there, but I doubt there's a way she didn't pick up on the fact that I was writing romantically about a girl. I think Mrs. Deraspe is probably pretty open-minded and, even with people who aren't, I'm open about it- I just think it's uncomfortable when people are reading about it in front of me and I forgot, before they got to it, that there was anything there.

Hi, Mrs. Deraspe! (If you bothered coming back)

There was so much I wanted to write today, but I'm tired and I want to check frank's pit and be in bed by 11. And it's 11 now. So, hopefully, I'll get it out tomorrow. If I can possibly find the time.

On with it.

Monday, February 04, 2002

Looks like phil and I are going to New York.

Fuckin' right.

This means I'll have to sacrifice a weekend that I would normally get to see phil, but I'll also be able to fit Emily into the mix- Gloucester, New York, and Boston all in one weekend.

Other attractions include
~The infamous Greg Goulding, ex-paramour and total New York wonder
~Ground Zero
~A Eugene Lang Inteviewer
~Everything else in New York that I can possible fit into the tiny excursion.


This is too cool. Of course, this means I'll have to miss the outright dance, but worse things HAVE happened.

Tra la la!

I shoulda been in bed a while ago. On with it!

Jacquie's French teacher's son is on Who Wants To Be a Millionaire tonight. This makes me feel elitist.

Watch it. And route for him....I think she said his name was, like Justin or something.

On with it!

Sunday, February 03, 2002

They were tied, Emily told me, and I started freaking out, inwardly.

And just now they kicked a field goal and won.

I'm crying.

On with it.
Holy shit, that was fucking great.

"The Egg" by Orion Quinn

Word of caution- it's porn. GREAT porn.

It's more female-focused than male, really, but I think a guy could find it, well, amusing, at the very least. I was reading it because I'm trying to get myself started on writing the stuff again- just to see if I can get published on clean sheets, or anywhere- not that the 50 dollar check wouldn't be incentive. But being published- anywhere, for anything- is my main goal.

I'm getting back into Frank's Pit of Eternal Darkness, a message board for....strange, unfocused people. I was avid in it about a year ago, then I stopped for a really long time, and now I'm getting back into it- at first only to plug my site, but now because I've missed it. It's a lot less popular now than it was before, and the regulars are a lot less regular, but still, there's an aspect of it that won't go quietly into the night! Mwah ha!

I feel like listening to Meatloaf. Listening to Meatloaf and writing porn. If my sister still has any of their tapes, I think I'll do just that. If not.....I'll probably go to bed early and write some porn tomorrow in study hall. Ah, how grand to have my study halls to myself once again! No more college applications. Not for a while, anyway.

"Go Pats." She said with quiet sardonicism.

On with it.

Carbonated Beverage Are You?

Well, that's pretty ironic, considering I just quit caffeine...and I never liked Mountain Dew.

Better than being "punkish" though.

I'm REALLY hoping Jenn's gonna want to go to the movies or something when she gets home form work. Or rent one, or bring the playstation over or something. So hoping she doesn't care about the football game. I'll sorta be fucked if she does. Time to do my french homework or go to bed really early, I suppose.

The world's worst rendition of the stereotypical love songs at night song Almost Paradise in midi form.

Not that I'd be interested if I were you, either.

It'll get interesting soon, I swear it will.

On with it.
I'm so punkish!
Take the The "What Teen Label Do You Fit Into Most?" Quiz!
by antiperfect

That was such an awful test, NONE of te answers applied to me.

And I am still struggling to figure out the dynamic thing.

But Jacquie has just reminded me that I am, in fact, hungry. I wonder if there's anything in my house to eat.

I gotta stop publishing this boring bullshit and get down to the......well, other kinds of boring bullshit.

Don't look at me like that- you're the one who checks it.

On with it.
Nah, the way she had it, there was swirls around it. Just to let you know, it WAS supposed to be cooler than that.

And I will continue to try!

On with it!






I found that, if it worked, on another site....well, you know, with different text- but I don't "love Tyler forever", so I had to fix it to work for me. Let's see if it did!

On with it!
Holy shit, quote of the day-
"Goes to show how many crackheads there are in this country. Or oriental people."
From Jacquie's Blog.

Ah, man- it's sorta less offensive when you read it in context, but dayum- I read that and laughed out loud. I don't often laugh out loud when no one is around but myself. Shit, Jacquie is entertaining. Gotta love that girl.

Jeff and Andrew would both be THOROUGHLY amused by that quote.

On with it!
And yet again, I have way too much riding on the outcome of a football game.

The last time the patriots went to the superbowl, my father and I got very very close as we watched every game leading up to it together, cheering the pats on. It was the first time since I turned 11 or so that he and I had managed to have any discernible kind of bond at all. When they lost to Green Bay, he and I never really spoke again.

For the past few days he has been incredibly pleasant- tonight he was so much that it makes me want to cry. He is being good and nice and almost even fatherly, presumedly because the Pats are going to the Super Bowl again, and he excited...finally he may get bragging rights for the first time in...however damned long.

But if the Patriots lose tomorrow, things go back to normal.

Life fucking sucks when that much of your life is riding on goddamned football.

On with it.