Saturday, December 22, 2001

I'm trying to file all of my saved AIM conversations in folders named for who they were with. This could take a while.

I have 1,019 saved AIM conversations.

I have just found one that I saved that was merely Nick leaving a message to my away message, in which all he said was:

Babe, I fucking love you. :-)

Ugh! I need my friends back! I miss them!!!! (Yes, it's one of those whiny expressions that requires multiple explanation points)

Okay, I've been filing and on the phone with mark and all sorts of other stuff for like an hour since that last sentence, and for a couple of minutes directly proceeding right now, I was shaking uncontrollably. I think I will be again once I stop typing. I'm emotional about SOMETHING, but I don't quite know what yet.

I have just read over one conversation I had with Jeremey about Elorza and one conversation I had with Elorza about Jeremey. In the one with Elorza, I pasted part of something that I had written about both of them earlier:

"You make me laugh and I can feel my heart sigh with a magnificient pressing relief. You make the rest of the world feel like strangers- I take candy only from you. When I'm with you there are parts of me smiling I didn't know I had. You make it all downhill from here- in a convertible with the wind blowing through our hair and an endless sunset and we'd always have 20/20 vision. I n a world full of you, I want to live. I want to wake up in a bed of you after a night of breathing you in to stretch my forearms through you, look out the window and see you shining down on little contently insignificant me with fingers outstrecthed just to touch more of you. I keep my eyes open just for the chance to see you. You are so much you, you make me better."

I wrote that for two people who made my life magical.....and who continue to do so no more. Or, in Elorza's case, very seldomly. It's not his fault at all- I wouldn't be attached to this machine at the hip, either, if I had the choice, but someof us don't have cars. Still...all of my friends have this odd duality- if one is mistreating me, or something is wrong in my friendship with one, there's always one specific friend who can cheer me up. They're all assigned to each other- for clarification purposes, If Bob pisses me off, Annie is the only one who can make me really feel better and if Annie pisses me off, Bob is. The problem now is that Jeremey and Elorza were paired off like that, and still are. Which is a big part of why I'm not coping with this at all.

I think that Jeff is the only person with whom my relationship right now is anywhere near as good as it should be. People are wonderful, don't get me wrong, but my connectiojs with them are all off right now. Jenn's working all the time, Emily's....I don't know, just not good lately, I've mentioned a dozen times that I have limited contact with my auburn boys, and....well, there just hasn't been much contact with anyone really. It's bad.

Casey Labrack continues to impress me. His away message: "I'm playing a game online just for the thrill of having hundreds of hardcore gamers and "l33t haX0rs" call me a "fag" or "fa9()t", respectively." The intelligence of that drives me wild with "I want to know you"-ness. So many people in this world I just want to be able to feel comfortable in having a conversation with, like it's within my rights to assume that we're friends and that we have some kind of connection. People I just want to say "we need to hang out sometime soon" to and have them reciporcate. People I just plain want to get to know. Casey's on the top of that list....actually, he's sort of second to Mitch Harmon, who may or may not still check this site since the one time I sent him to.

Mitch is amazingly cool shit. Firstly, he's the one person in the school who still actively tries to frustrate me, and I really don't get along with anyone very much who isn't basically a jerk. Secondly, apparently he's intelligent- he can write. Poetry, in fact. That's a rare thing in any male, especially one who goes to Lisbon High School. Third, he apparently has the same sort of dark side that I do- a few days ago we managed to get into a conversation- for a limited amount of time- that did not involve insulting each other's professions in a business simulation for Business Management class or cheating in French. We talked about suicide, and preferred methods (in a purely hypothetical way, Lisbon High School! Don't you go sending HIM to St. Mary's) and how neither of us wants to get old and which movies we most admired the character's suicides in. It was fantastic to be able to be that morbid to someone I barely know. He reminds me a LOT of Elorza....not the suicide stuff, other things. Like I said, he's cool shit.

If you're reading this though, Mitch, I will NEVER admit to not hating you to your face. NEVER.

I want to be friends with these people but it's fucked- I haven't even been able to keep all the friendships I already have kept up.

Jesus Christ, it's almost Christmas. I didn't even realize this until I was looking at my MP3 list and saw my mom's favorite christmas song on it, and decided to play it rationalizing (11:11, I love you...someone) that it's almost Christmas, so it's not bad to listen to Christmas music. It doesn't much feel like it- it did, earlier today. I ended up going to Wal*Mart with George and in the car we listened to John Denver. John Denver is very quintessentially christmas. We listened to "The Toy" or whatever it is that it's called.

"It went Zip! when it moved
And Bob! when it stopped
And Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! when it stood still!
I never knew just what it was
And I guess I never will."

When Rob, George's brother, began singing along with that I was delighted in a way I cannot possibly express. In a car with this hardened bastard sophomore who works double time at being bitchy to people and using the word "fuck" as much as possible, and he was sinigng along to "The Toy" (or whatever) and rolling his R's- it was wonderful. I do so love Rob. I hope he and Jessica get married and continue nauseating people in public places forever.

I'm still online basically in hopes that eventually Mitch or Elorza or....well, probably no one else, that I can think of, will make an appearance eventually. Really really unlikely, but whatever. I want them too. I think I might want to talk to Andrew,'s been a while. Since I've really wanted to, that is. I haven't wanted to deal with the stress of post-relationship issues lately. I haven't wanted to deal with anything.

There's this online guy, Jeff, who is in no way the same Jeff, but a Jeff from Maryland, and write now his away message is as follows: "For my confession, they burned me. For my wife, they tortured me. For my son, they humiliated me. For my daughter, they enraged me. For my life, they brought only coal." This intrigues and confuses me. I want to know what it's from and what it means, though I'm not sure I want to get dragged into whatever conversation will follow it, which is odd- I truly enjoy talking to this guy. I guess I'm just not in that place right now.

My period is late- my mother informed me yesterday, with suspicion in her voice, that I'm on my 37th day. (Heh heh, 37!) (<-most of you won't get that sad) I reacted to her suspiscion with....fuck, what's the word. Indignance. I reacted to her suspiscion with indignance and probably reiterated that I do NOT plan to have sex until I'm 18. She doesn't seem to get that. When Jeff came to pick me up she made a point to tell us both to have fun, but not too much. Poor dumb delusional mother. (I should be careful, the last time I wrote something bad about her on this, she discovered it when I accidentally left it open and went just somewhat insane- it was BAD) At any rate, the whole point of this paragraph was to point out that there's a great chance this might simply be PMS, and I'm really hoping that's it.

Once you use italics once, you get in a sort of italics mode and keep doing it. It's pretty annoying.

ugh...SO do not want to be online. Actually, in reality I want to go downstairs and eat somethign and watch exactly a half-hour of TV, hoping some sitcom reruns, especially the Golden Girls or maybe Frasier, will be on, and then come back online to check the Mitch/Elorza/anyone else status at midnight. See how many messages will amass for me.

I think I shall do that. Quickly, before I lose the urge and it's no longer a clean half-hour to catch the whole show. On with it!!!!
"Now is the time to seize the day!
Send out the call the join fray!
Wrongs will be righted
If we're united
Let us seize the day!"

Yeah, I really want to hear 0% Real again. They, triangle sleep, and Ties of Seven are apparently having a show sometime in January and I really want it to be sooner than later. Nothing better than the garage band scene.

I have to go shopping for Jeff (and Tony) and I really don't want to do it with my mother- Ryan and I were going to go and then go to the movies, but I realized that I'm on a pretty damn limitedbudget and if I went to the movies on a weekend, I wouldn't have enough money left over to get Jeff anything half decent (and Tony anything one eight-hundred-and-sixth-fourth decent). Other than her, Jenn's either working or gone, Em's working, and...well, I haven't tried anyone else, I suppose I probably could. I'm sort of out of practice calling people and randomly making plans, but most of my friends are home right now. Perhaps George would want to accompany me. *picks up phone*

Wow, I'm really dumb- George was going shopping with her brother's- one of whom I'm really close to anyway- and I totally didn't ask if I could join them. Because I felt it would be rude!

"Where have my testicles gone?
Long time pasting
Where have my tesitcles gone?
Long time ago...."

And for those of you who are wondering why I would but that I have male anatomy on my site, it's cause I do. In a jar, on my shelf, floating in rubbing alcohol. I chopped 'em off of some bastard who called me feminine.

On with it.
Hmmm....been a while since I updated.

"It's been a while..."

Andrew used to say that Ben would say that all the time.

"What'll I do
When you
Are far
And I
Am Blue
What'll I do?
What'll I do
When I
Am won-
d'ring who
Is kiss-
ing you,
What'll I do?
What'll I do
With just
A pho-
To tell
My troubles
When I'm alone
With on-
ly dreams
Of you
That won't
Come true,
What'll I do?"

I was at Jeff's tonight and the way he was looking at me and holing me, the light and the smell and the way we were both mockingly singing to Jagged Little Pill...the world would have been at it's finest, nothign would have been able to touch me. Except that I have a gaping hole in my life- while we were listening to Alanis together I realized that Jeremey was the first guy I knew who had that CD and he and I would listen to it together repeatedly even before we grew to love Matchbox 20 together. And he and I would sing badly to it, and discuss the same aspects of the songs, and he and I would do everything together, over the phone, at least once a day way back then, back when he was still adjusting to his move to auburn and I was still adjusting to life in a world where I couldn't play the bee-finger game with him in homeroom or walk home with him after school, back when we would negotiate how we wouldn't kill ourselves without killing the other first and in that bizarre, morbid sympathy saved each other's lives over and over again. Back when he would incessantly make fun of me for things that didn't even make sense: "Linda has gonads?" "That's not fair!".

Jeff is amazing and giving and loving and wonderful and pretty much perfect, and he could bring me away from all the rest of the world....but tonight I couldn't get away from the way I used to strain to remember Jeremey's face while I was on the phone with him as I let his voice and his inane stories wash over me, loving, on the inside, how oblivious he was to my ostensible disinterest. I couldn't get away from the way it felt to talk to him unti we fell asleep about....bad porno movies on cinemax or Bobby wearing little black dresses. Or his forcing me to read teenaged girl magazines to him because he secretly loved the quizzes and the humiliation stories- Jeremey's guilty pleasures. Jeremey's everything. I miss it.

I miss my oldest friend and I am weak of it.

For clarification purposes, (this is entirely for Jeff, should he check the site again) this is not what was wrong when I told Jeff that I felt something was wrong but I didn't know what, it came later.

I was just talking to Elorza's girlfriend online and I told her to have a happy nondenominational holiday, but I realize now that he buddy icon is a picture of jesus, so I probably would have been safe to go with "Merry Christmas". I miss him, too. Damned people and their emotional and physical distances!

I still have to shop for Jeff and *shudder* Tony. And Sunday I'm going to gloucester until monday night, and then tuesday is the ever-uneventful christmas day, and I won't be able to see Jeff until however long after that. This would be bumming me out if I weren't too tired to be bummed out, which leads me to one conclusion- bedtime.

When you're too exhausted even to get depressed, it's time to hit the sheets.

Yawn with it! (I don't know WHY that struck me as clever, give me a break, it's after 1 am....)

Wednesday, December 19, 2001

aight, let's see how long THAT stays there.....

I'm trying to put some pictures up on the site, needless to say, if you've been watching, I'm having some difficulties- James (M.), if you still check my site, I could use the advantage of your stunning prowess on this!

Let's see what we can do till I can talk to him...on with it....

Monday, December 17, 2001

fuckin' right! It worked! (clearly)

Britney Spears has apparently cancelled her agreement with PETA that she was going to get naked on a poster for an Anti-fur campaign....DAMN I would have liked to see that poster.

Now...what to put on my site now that I can post pictures?

Ah shit, gotta go, mr. ladd waiting, gone.

on with it
checking to see if this is going to work-

on with it?

Sunday, December 16, 2001

Things I said I was going to accomplish today:
*My English Homework
*My French Homework
*Studying for auditions
*Cleaning some of my room
*Renting and watching a movie

Things I already have accomplished today:
*Studying for auditions

Hours left before I (intend to) go to bed:

Things I should do before tomorrow:
*Study for auditions more
*Clean some of my room
*Start reading the book Mr. Leighton loaned me
*Sending Mrs. White that e-mail about why I should be the manager of the quill

Things I pretty much need to do (but most likely won't) before tomorrow:
*My English homework
*My French homework

What I actually want to do, and probably will if I get off my ass:
*Rent a movie and watch it

Insincere justification of that action:
*I can do my french homework WHILE watching the movie, and that will keep me away from the internet, which would prevent me from doing anything at all.

The pointless activity that I'm wasting both of our time on:
*Updating this bastard of a site, and debating if "time" should have been pluralized right here

Last line of this entry:
On with it.
"When can my heart beat again?
When does the pain ever end?
When do the tears stop from running over?
When does 'You'll get over it' begin?
I hear what you're saying,
But I swear that it's not making sense,
So when can I see you again?"|

Starting the day by listening to the same missing-him playlist I made last night probably isn't overly healthy. I don't care,'s sunday. Gloomy Sunday.

That's a song that I have on one of my Billie Holiday CD''s about her lover dying and she decides to commit suicide to be with him. (I've just now witnessed the strangest ferret was laying on this part of her cage over her water bottle, hanging her head down and drinking from the water bottle upside down. And now the song she was named after has come on....freaky.)

"Seen a lot of good things die out
In an overemotional way
These days-
So please hand me the bottle,
I think I'm lonely now.
And please give me direction
I think the hurt set in.
But I don't feel nothing....."
~Matchbox Twenty

It went through "The Freshmen" by the Verve Pipe and is now "Behind Blue Eyes" by the Who (I think), the last song he told me to download. It's a very me song.

"No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies-
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be"

I feel greasy and tired and there's too much to do today to just sit here and quote sad songs that remind me of someone that wouldn't quote sad songs for me. That's far too teenaged, I don't feel like being 17 right least not all that seventeen. Or maybe I really want to be more 17....I think I should stick some more quotes up in my room and work on memorizing the audition for drama, and I'd like to rent a movie and my mom will force me to clean my room.

And, hey, after christmas I'll have a TV in my room and I'll be able to watch movies while cleaning my room. There's somethign in life to look forward too.

"Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts

on with it...