Hmmm....been a while since I updated.

"It's been a while..."

Andrew used to say that Ben would say that all the time.

"What'll I do
When you
Are far
Away
And I
Am Blue
What'll I do?
What'll I do
When I
Am won-
d'ring who
Is kiss-
ing you,
What'll I do?
What'll I do
With just
A pho-
tograph
To tell
My troubles
To?
When I'm alone
With on-
ly dreams
Of you
That won't
Come true,
What'll I do?"

I was at Jeff's tonight and the way he was looking at me and holing me, the light and the smell and the way we were both mockingly singing to Jagged Little Pill...the world would have been at it's finest, nothign would have been able to touch me. Except that I have a gaping hole in my life- while we were listening to Alanis together I realized that Jeremey was the first guy I knew who had that CD and he and I would listen to it together repeatedly even before we grew to love Matchbox 20 together. And he and I would sing badly to it, and discuss the same aspects of the songs, and he and I would do everything together, over the phone, at least once a day way back then, back when he was still adjusting to his move to auburn and I was still adjusting to life in a world where I couldn't play the bee-finger game with him in homeroom or walk home with him after school, back when we would negotiate how we wouldn't kill ourselves without killing the other first and in that bizarre, morbid sympathy saved each other's lives over and over again. Back when he would incessantly make fun of me for things that didn't even make sense: "Linda has gonads?" "That's not fair!".

Jeff is amazing and giving and loving and wonderful and pretty much perfect, and he could bring me away from all the rest of the world....but tonight I couldn't get away from the way I used to strain to remember Jeremey's face while I was on the phone with him as I let his voice and his inane stories wash over me, loving, on the inside, how oblivious he was to my ostensible disinterest. I couldn't get away from the way it felt to talk to him unti we fell asleep about....bad porno movies on cinemax or Bobby wearing little black dresses. Or his forcing me to read teenaged girl magazines to him because he secretly loved the quizzes and the humiliation stories- Jeremey's guilty pleasures. Jeremey's everything. I miss it.

I miss my oldest friend and I am weak of it.

For clarification purposes, (this is entirely for Jeff, should he check the site again) this is not what was wrong when I told Jeff that I felt something was wrong but I didn't know what, it came later.


I was just talking to Elorza's girlfriend online and I told her to have a happy nondenominational holiday, but I realize now that he buddy icon is a picture of jesus, so I probably would have been safe to go with "Merry Christmas". I miss him, too. Damned people and their emotional and physical distances!

I still have to shop for Jeff and *shudder* Tony. And Sunday I'm going to gloucester until monday night, and then tuesday is the ever-uneventful christmas day, and I won't be able to see Jeff until however long after that. This would be bumming me out if I weren't too tired to be bummed out, which leads me to one conclusion- bedtime.

When you're too exhausted even to get depressed, it's time to hit the sheets.

Yawn with it! (I don't know WHY that struck me as clever, give me a break, it's after 1 am....)