Monday, October 28, 2002

Elorza, who I can write about with the confidence that he will probably never come here, has never quoted me in his profile. This is seemingly a stupid thing to care about, I'll admit that, but...I don't know, it's always kinda hurt me. Even when he and I were close, he never did- never really quoted anyone back then, so I wasn't bothered by it. But it was when he and I started getting more distant that he started quoting other people- his current girlfriend, who was just his friend back then, most specifically- that I started to feel bad about it: he got to have real conversations with her, and all I had was the internet, but still she was the one that went up in the profile. It made me feel insecure- my other friends find me witty and smart and fun to talk to, and he...I began wondering if he'd ever thought that I was fun to talk to, if he'd ever know I was witty and smart. It's been a long time since we've grown apart, and our relationship ebbs a lot....but I always find myself wanting to say something worthwhile, wondering if it's good enough, wanting to know if I could ever be the type of person he'd put in his profile.

The thing about being in someone's profile is that it means they aren't ashamed of you. They think what you say is good enough to admit to thinking it's good. They think who you are is decent enough to admit to caring about you. They're not embarassed to publicly say "Hey, this person is my friend, whatever anyone else may think of her." The insecurity of needing that may have come from many places in my childhood- I was, after all, the reject kid at my elementary school. But the most obvious source that comes to mind is, surprise surprise, Jeremey. Back in middle school, Jeremey and I were extremely emotionally close- we'd talk on the phone every night and spill our pre-pubescent souls to each other. But middle school was highly about image, and I wasn't exactly a friend anyone would want to brag about. During school, Jeremey would treat me with absolute cruelty. He would rally he his friends to harass me during "fresh air", our eighth-grade version of recess. Admittedly, the cronies were more playful than malicious about it and I, having formed a great defensive wall around me as I grew up a reject, found the whole ordeal to be more satisfying than humiliating- it was attention, at any rate. But I always wondered why he was so ashamed of me- "And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me- you couldn't stand to be near me when me when my face didn't seem to want to shine cuz it's a little bit dirty." I put up with it with Jeremey, and the issue became null-and-void when he left to live in Auburn. But the idea always stuck with me- I simply wasn't good enough for him to where on his sleeve.

Thus the need for recognition was born, and when the internet became part of my life, I began scanning other people's surveys for my name and checking other people's profiles for a shout-out or a quote. I've checked for references to me on my website. And, most relevantly to this particular post, I've tried to be worthwhile in my conversations to Elorza. Try as I do, though, it's difficult- he doesn't give me a hell of a lot to play off of. There was a time when I wrote beautiful words to him out of unfettered desire to want to write beautiful words to him- this continues, but now I find myself reading over them before I send them, hoping to catch the mistake that will them unable to penetrate him, force them to run over him like water over a roof...or, yeah, something. I'm constantly insecure about what I say to him, and without much support on his end--- I love him dearly, always will, but he isn't the type to go out of his way to make me feel secure. And he rarely reacts to any of the eloquence I try to languish on him. Not that it's his job...I expect too much.

The attention I've given to looking for myself to show up in his profile has expanded to everyone's, and some stupid part of me feels bad every time my name doesn't appear. But today, somebody helped with that. Casey quoted me in his profile- "FieryGwenivere: You ever wonder why the AOL running man is running? FieryGwenivere: I think he's running away from the motherfucker who cut off his hands and feet." So I asked him why. And he said "because it was funny."


He continued to tell me that he could relate, once I explained why I had asked in the first place. "I know the feeling that you've wasted eloquence on someone." he said...he said that after being prompted with far less explanation than I'm giving you, and he said it perfectly. Fuck, I love Casey. He's the second great thing that young writers gave me....halle-fucking-lujah.

My name is Linda, and I feel validated. And I feel witty, and smart, and fun to talk to. And I feel grateful. On with it.