Saturday, January 12, 2002

Wow, even I'm pissed off at Ben's parents. I really feel like making an attempt to hang out with him in an attempt to salvage his weekend but, yeah, I think at least most of us can infer why that would be a bad fucking idea. Let's all send him sympathy cards or something, though. Or, hey, one of YOU can visit him. Young, old, women, men, passed-out janitors- it's fairly easy to make him feel better. So long as you have a pulse....or something somewhat similar to a pulse. I see Ben as settling for an alarm clock rather easily.

:-) Still love ya though, babe.

On with it.
I hate living in my house. I wake up to either the sound of the baby being obnoxious, or of Cathy or Tony yelling at the baby being obnoxious, or of Cathy or Tony yelling at Tony or Cathy, respectively, for being bitchy or insane.

I used to just dislike Tony because he was stupid. But he's turned into a fucking asshole, as well.

For those of you who don't know, Tony is my sister's fiancé who lives with us. He moved in because he was getting kicked out of his apartment, but the way it was explained to me was that he wanted to be able to work fewer hours so he could get his GED and his driver's license. I hated the idea of letting him move in, but they left it up to me- and I figured, well, screw it, I'll make the sacrifice so my sister can have a better life later on. However, in the...three or four months he's lived here, all he has accomplished is spending money he doesn't have incessantly and quitting the two jobs he's had. And making my life even more of a fucking misery than it was previously.

I want him out of my house. I'd sorta like Cathy to leave, too. And the baby (her child, but not with Tony, though he's taking on the role of the father figure, which makes him act REALLY arrogantly to anyone who would attempt to use any kind of discipline on the child that's not exactly the same kind as his, like my parents or me.) Everything has caused the stress level of my house to fucking skyrocket, and for no apparent reason. All I accomplished, apparently, was to let Tony be lazy and gain weight- which affects me personally, as he seems to have a distaste for wearing shirts around the house.

If I didn't say this well enough earlier, I'll try it again: I want him out of my fucking house, and I want him out now.

Having woken up to the sounds of the baby and Tony's yelling at the baby and Tony's yelling at Cathy and my parents and everything in the world this...morning, I think, I went downstairs to discover that while my goddamned application to New School hasn't arrived yet, the one I sent for from Lyndon State, a college I hadn't even been in the mindset of applying to anymore for the longest time, has arrived after ages. The application depressed the fuck out of me, just looking at it, just leafing through it. Firstly, because I love vermont with an aching unparalleled and second because it was a huge reminder of the fact that I'm going to be very far away from Jeff- not to mention EVERYONE I care about- next year.

Unless I go to New York. In New York, I'll be far away from Jeff and most other people, but there's a pretty huge chance Elorza will be there. And Greg already is. And Phil will probably be moving their shortly. But I'll be farther away from Jeff than I would be at Lyndon- Jeff has a friend that goes to Lyndon, Corey, and this tends to make me think that I would have more of an oppurtunity to see him than I would otherwise....though, inspecting that idea, I'm not sure why.

If I think about it realistically, I would know that it really doesn't matter- whether Jeff and I can maintain our friendship once I leave, I don't suppose there's any real way we can maintain the relationship....not with any emotional success anyway. Not when you consider my track record even when my significant other's live in the same town. At college their will be a thousand new people- men and women, and they'll all be appealing to me. And while he'll still just be at St. Joe's, I wouldn't expect distance to make his heart grow fonder. Not that I've ever even talked to him about what he expects to happen to us. It's really, really likely that I'm presumptuous as hell to think he'd even want to be with me until I leave, let alone longer.

I'm so not used to dating someone as experienced as him. We are each other's fourth relationships, and in all of the first three I was either the first or the second....if you only count high school relationships. I think. I know Mark dated Jenn before me, and I know he dated Beth, but I'm pretty sure Beth was in middle school. I think. Might have been freshmen year. It disturbs the hell out of me that I can't remember this.

I was thinking I was going to take the day writing essays, but I might call Mark and see what he's up to, instead. It's possible he's busy, but he's the type of person that I wouldn't really be afraid to ask. Most people, I hate the concept of calling them up out of no where and seeing what they're doing, but, yeah....he doesn't normally have a whole hell of a lot going on.

Goddamn, I want popcorn chicken. Or those chicken thingies I like at Arby's. Or something from Pizza Hut. For at least two of those, it would be better to ask Jenn to go somewhere, but I'm sure she works today. So for right now, I think I'll just bathe. Yeah, sounds like a plan.

Got something to wash out of my hair, anyway. (She says, making a fun, ambiguous reference!)

On with it.

Rob wants me to post a link to his online business.

Good luck with that, Rob.

On with it.
This is a test. This is only a test.

On with it.

I really wish more of the interesting stuff in my life was stuff that's acceptable to talk about.....not that I've ever stayed within the confinements of what's interesting to talk about, but right now....well, basically I can't get into details about the personal things between Jeff and I, number one because I don't know how comfortable he'd be with it, number two because I'm not exactly sure how comfortable I'd be knowing that a few people, Mr. Leighton's name gracing the top of that list, had the most intimate details of my every encounter when it comes to this sort of stuff, and number three, because there are too many people reading this that have...well, enough affection for me as to deserve to be spared these details.

Suffice to say that I did something tonight I've never done before. And that Jenn's going to find this amusing as fucking hell.

You know.....I told him that what happened tonight was going to shut her up about some rather embarassing ammo she had on me from before, but...yeah, this is going to make it worse, I think. She won't shut up for ages. :-) This could be her birthday gift!

Not that ANY of you know what I'm talking about. Complete strangers who may check this page- no reason I should not let you know- go ahead, IM me- (fierygwenivere). I'll PROVE I'm interesting!

Well, not really.

On with it!

Friday, January 11, 2002

I was reading this page from the bottom up, and my talking about neglecting Bohrbi, my neopet, earlier in the past week or whatever made me realize that I'd been neglecting him again, possibly for even longer. So I go to feed him. In general, after one feeds their neopet, they get a pleasant little message like "(Obnoxious pet name here) was hungry, and now he is not hungry!"

The message I just received was:
"Bohrbi was dying, and now he is starving!"

I remember I got that message once before, and I copied and pasted it to Emily- she wasn't in a mood to find it amusing, but I couldn't stop laughing my ass off. Damned people and their not finding things as amusing as I do!

*Feeds Bohrbi again*
"Bohrbi was starving, and now he is famished!"
"Bohrbi was famished, and now he is very hungry!"
"Bohrbi was very hungry, and now he is hungry!"
"Bohrbi was hungry, and now he is not hungry!"

Screw it...normally I'd go farther than that, but I got shit to do. (And an appointment on tuesday to shed unvited blood and tissue, I'll miss you I say to the water to the son or daughter I thought better...of) Think I'll listen to some Ani as I clean. I've had an overload of Tori Amos.

I wish my poor Borhbi were yellow again. He's fairy-colored now and it's really pretty pathetic. I remember the first time I changed him into that, Nick was here and he thought it was so fucking funny, he bursted into hysterical laughter. And I beat the shit out of him.

I miss hanging out with Nick.

On with it.
Ah, he does the sweetest things for me.

It's sorta a secret, but Jeff has just done something to please me to no end. (Yeah, get your minds out of the gutter) Can't post it, but ask me and I'll probably tell you- I want to spread the joy. And if you don't know how, I guess I can let you know- my AIM screenname is FieryGwenivere. (I really have to get into using one of my cooler ones as my primary.)

Events of today- went to school. Jenn bought me this Dr. Laura Somebody morality game for kicks, I'm find it amusing as hell...unfortunately, I left it in her car. Uh...helped Mitch out with something, though that was really more of a last night thing, and he ended up harassing me in poetry. Had it been any other teacher besides Ms. Sutton, he would have gotten me in trouble. It's great. I love people who do that kind of bullshit to you. Makes life much more interesting.

He told her today that his cousin had the records of some CD's she was carrying, and her reaction was the quote of the day:
"Wow, Mitch, that's spectacular. I can't stand that information."

It might have been in the voice, but fuck- best sarcasm I've encountered in a long time.

Kinda cool sitting in Poetry singing "Yellow Submarine" all together...well, at least five of us. I'm gonna miss this class. And no, I wouldn't be interested in this either if I were you.

I should make another blog where I can express how I really feel about everything and not give anyone I've ever met the link. 'Cept Mr. Hall, since he gets it all anyway. But, conversely, if I were to do taht, I wouldn't have anything to write to Mr. Hall. So I guess we'll just leave things as they are. If you're a fan I've never met (she said, drowning herself in her illusions of grandeur), though, and you'd like a copy of the soon-to-be-typed first 6 volumes of Linda's logbook, send me an e-mail and let me know. I think it's probably more interesting than this.

"Sandwiches time
Sandwiches time
Sandwiches on my mind...."

I'm so loving this song right now. I realized just as I clicked on it- and not before at all- that it was exactly what I wanted to be listening to.

But I guess I can't really sit around and post- if I don't get some cleaning done, my mom will cite my sickness as a reason I shouldn't go to Jeff's tonight. She's CONSTANTLY looking for reasons. Ugh.

I swear, this will get interesting EVENTUALLY. On with it.

Thursday, January 10, 2002

Few things in life please me the way the "3d pipes" screen saver on my computer does. It's one of those simple pleasures in life that sprout up everywhere if you're actively seeking simple pleasures like a doped-up prozac fiend. It's similar to the way I like to hear the sound of my nicer pens marking up my journal, or the way the sound of other people typing puts me at ease.

Chances that I'll be in school tomorrow are pretty damned slim, which SUCKS- it's the second-to-last red day of this semester, I have tons of stuff to finish up, and if I don't go to school, I won't be able to go to Jeff's tomorrow night.

He's going back to the school on the 16th, the distance is not going to do me well. But I can't sit awake and obsess about that- I'm going to drug myself with tylenol pm that, for once, I actually need and hopefully sleep till I have a college degree and a promising career.

Ah, sleep.....ahhhh....

On with it.
I feel like fucking hell physically, the house I live in is in a constant state of dysphoria, I have to work harder every day to ignore the people I live with so that their psychoses leave mine alone, and apparently Chad's hurt. I want to help do whatever on earth I could, but he and I have barely talked in months. And I can't pretend I have the energy to wait in front of this computer and wonder if he might want to talk when he comes back from being away.

I am wishing that I hadn't ever let the two of us grow apart- not that we were really close, but he helped me, a lot. I don't know if I used him up and spit him out or if his relationship with Kara caused him not to have the motivation to talk to other people, but it doesn't matter. I haven't made the effort with any of them.....the auburn boys. Not since the Jeremey shit.

I don't have the resources to be able to afford pushing people away anymore. I don't have the energy to fight tooth and nail for all the things that are falling apart. And right now I just want to lay down, and hope that Chad, or anyone, calls. It's been a while since I've been able to help someone. And I'm sick of feeling alone.

On with it.

That, so far, has my vote for best archive page on this site. It includes, in reverse-chronilogical order, a description of my getting sent to St. Mary's due to what I posted here, my rather insane reaction to the events of september 11th, and the story of the absolute best day in Andrew's and my relationship- which, I dunno, maybe it was because I was there, but it still strikes me as fucking hilarious shit.

Just thought I'd point that out so newcomers didn't miss it. Not that, in actuality, anyone will actually bother to read, but it's a nice little thought, I think.

On with it!
I feel like fucking hell- sooo many cold symptoms.

Have I ever mentioned how delectable I find random visiters to be? Nothing in the world makes me happier than having someone show up when I wasn't expecting them. So, yeah, all you out there in internet land- if you're ever bored, just make your way over to my house....for a little while...or longer. Whatever. Move in if you want.

I keep hoping people will do that. I'll answer the door and someone unexpected will be standing there, just because they wanted to see me...or because they were bored and thought they could take advantage of the massive amounts of time that I spend bored, as well. Either way....I live near too many people to be alone so often.

Which is only partially true. I only really live near a few people I know. Jesse....uhm....Jenn...Mitch, though I don't see him as being the someone who would ever be willing just to visit me, being that we've never hung out outside of school. Which sucks, because I think he'd be cool to hang out with- I was getting at that in the post I accidentally wasted yesterday. That he would be the type I see as someone to just sit around with and expose each other to music and be really hanging out with him we'd have a lot to say, but on top of that, it wouldn't really matter if we didn't.

The reason he comes up so much is that I'm just starting to get to know him in any capacity- I always talk the most about people I'm just beginning to explore. They're fascinating. Old friends are comfortable and wonderful and consummately there for you (the ones that are, at least, but it's so much easier talking to new acquantances- you don't have to worry about redundancy. I adore it.
In the long run, old friends are probably better to have, but if you do it right, one gets made into the other.

The Tori Amos song "Winter" on the CD I burned from Serena is sort of disturbingly touching to me- it's about a relationship between a father and a daughter. I've known the music for a long time- one of the first sites I ever favorited when I got the internet has a midi of it playing in the background. Probably the most accurate midi I've ever heard.

I wish I had more that was interesting to say. It'd be nice to have a weblog that I could honestly say was better than average- somethign that would make the people who happen upon the place want to come back.

I just got into "Happy Phantom" and I'm totally loving "China"- I wish I could sing and play some instrument that one can play and sing at the same time. It would be so amazing just to write songs for people and sit at a piano or holding a guitar in my hand and just perform them for them. People would love me more easily than they already do because I could move them with my voice, words, sound, effort. I could show them my profound affections for them in ways I can't now. I could be beautiful. They could see it more readily.

I should have my tonsils removed.

She's so esoteric. It's intense. My body hurts. Not from her. I'm sicksicksick.

Think I'm gonna go watch Charly before I have to bring them back today. What should I rent next? I'm thinking 12 Angry Men, Some Like it Hot...and something New. Try to tie it in with newer things ever now and then. Though I may just go with Valley of the Dolls or The Single Girl's guide to sex...or something. Maybe a comedy. It would be good to laugh.

Sometimes I think I'd like to have someone to watch all my rentals with. Some of them anyway. Sometimes I like to watch alone. Sometimes I watch just to forget that I am alone. But how many people in this world aside from me are into renting movies they've never even heard of until they get to the store? I think watching movies is another thing Mitch would be good for....but really anyone. So long as they were new. Or old. I just want someone to who wants to be well-watched the way some people are well-read. I don't just watch the fad movies- I actively seek names that I know I'll be the only around that's seen them...or that are before my time, or that just look interesting. Sometimes I don't finish them, sometimes I don't start them, but it's something to do in Lisbon. And let's face it- that's saying something.

My hands are so cold. It's not cool when the cold hands are your own, and when your body hurts to be touched by them. I wish someone were here.

On with it.

Wednesday, January 09, 2002

Okay, Blogger's inability to post lately has pissed me off, but I guess that means that the post I wrote earlier wasn't entirely wasted on the fact that I accidentally closed it before posting.

I'd been screwed over about a lot of little things tonight- thinking about my father and my dog and how I haven't had any meainingful contact with anyone ultra-important to me (except Jeff) for a long time- yeah, I know, I just said "ultra-important", things that wouldn't normally get to me except.....I dunno, maybe they should more. Anyway, things that are just standing downers, givens, nothing I actively needed to search for a solution for, just shit that had me depressed in a way I thought I was just going to have to let last tonight.

Then Elorza called- this fucking makes me happy. I haven't had a real conversation with him in so long. Yeah, needed that tonight. I love it when people just go right ahead and make me feel human again without my needing to ask. I love people. Jeff and I were discussing last night that I do- that I seem to have a compulsion to care about people and think of them as good no matter what they do, really. It's sort of optimistic. It's also sort of bad- it leads to me justifying other people's actions for them way too much, and ultimately my own.

But none of that's important, cause Elorza and I talked for over an hour, and he is still coming to the prom (or trying to as best he can) which basically means that the weekend of May 4th is going to be one of the best of my life- and that all my friends are going to be jealous of me. Katie no longer has instant claim to the most physically attractive date category- move aside Tom. (Have I ever mentioned Elorza's really fucking hot? I don't think about him that way in general, because he's my friend and, anyway, I never see him in person, but damn. He'll serve as a nice little trophy.....not that that's why I want him there or anything. Just a major fucking perk. I wonder if he'd be offended to read this...hmmmm...)

So yeah, dancing on clouds now. Love it when fuck it, I just love him. He's great.

I'm gone, though- I MEANT to be in bed early tonight. Worth it, again.

On with it.
Burning the midnight oil for him once again.

God damn, it's worth it.

I remember I used to stay up all night for Elorza, too. Almost every summer night we'd sit there and talk about nothing until our parents dragged us off of our respective computers. Life was amazing. The concept that I could be important to someone like him, the fact that I knew he was staying awake for me. Mark asked me once if any of it was worth staying up all night and I answered that the staying up all night was the part that was the thing that other things were worth- never the sacrifice, always the wonder. When school started again, things started to get bad between us, and I eventually had to make the choice between our waning relationship and my grades, social like, ability to function and overall happiness.....I chose all of the latter, but I think if he had given any slight amount of effort at that point, I would have known he was worth it.

This isn't to blame him for our demise, it was simply a bad time. Either way...that's the kind of stuff I don't have to question with Jeff. The effort and the affection and the beauty of the relationship is overt and constantly stated. I love him. Look at that. I just wrote it. If he were to read it, he would probably stop what he was doing just to concentrate on the idea that he loves me, too, so I might hear it. Or something like that.

I love Elorza, too. Clearly not the same way, but I do. He's wonderful. I'm afraid to tell him most of the time, because I know he doesn't love me. I'm not offended by this- he and seem to be on different wavelengths as far as love is concerned and so is everyone. But I'm afraid that he'll think I expect him to say it or....maybe sometimes I just want him to love me, if I'm going to be honest about it, but it's okay that he doesn't. I know he cares about me and it's better to know that kind of thing and never hear the L word than to hear the L word and have no indication whatsoever that someone actually care about you.

Jeremey, for instance, told me he loved me sometimes.

I'd managed to put him out of my mind until today, and today I just ended up talking about it again. I managed to supress things...I don't want to shed anymore tears for him, not for a while. But I thought about him, and expressed thought about him and the demise of our relationship for the first time in a while.

And, hey, to change the subject rapidly for a moment, it's like I burned the back of my hand or something, 'cept I didn't. It's bizarre!

Okay, I'm burning way too much midnight oil now, I have *grumble grumble* school in the morning. So I'm off.

On with it!

Tuesday, January 08, 2002

(Note: This was supposed to be posted at roughly 11:45 last night....stupid blogger.)

Today has been spectacular.

Not just good- spectacular. Amazing. Transcendent. Wonderful.

The downside of today was entirely based on the fact that school was not cancelled. But Mr. Thibidou didn't show up, so band was cancelled- I wasted the free time massaging Pete, which was cool, because it's always nice to spend your time touching somone genuinely appreciative of it, and it helps if you idolize them. Business management was fun because Mitch and I got into our normal arguments, and they continued through poetry- I love his ability to frustrate me, he's great. Right now, if I had to answer on a survey "who makes you smile the easiest" it would be Mitch. Since he and I aren't technically friends, but really more of....close acquantances, I guess that's the only thing I could define him as- my school day smile. (Holy shit, did that come out trite. I hope to fucking god he doesn't check this anymore because, damn, it would suck just to know there was a possibility that he read that part. If he did read it, though, it wouldn't be acknowledged, anyway, as I doubt either of us would admit to not hating the other in public. That's the kind of relationship I enjoy most, I think.) After mutually becoming frustrated with Mr. Leighton, Liz and I went for a walk and made plans to go backbacking through Europe in study hall. After school, I saw Mr. Ladd- it was a good session, he's seemingly proud of me for...something, I'm not quite sure what. Then Jeff picked me up.

Jeff is the love of my life. There are so few other ways to define him. Tonight was......romantic and fun and fucking HILARIOUS in parts- I can't really relate the story of what incredibly funny happenings went on tonight, but trust me. Funny as shit. And the way he was touching me- the way he always touches me- it floors me.

I get to see him again tomorrow. And he finally gets to meet Floyd, assuming CRT is still on. Oh, and on that note, I have to wake up really fucking early to go to a prom commitee meeting, so, yeah, let's be ON WITH IT!


Sunday, January 06, 2002

Elorza is in vermont. I talked to his mom for a little while- I tell you, if you ever want to talk to the quintessential-sounding New Jersian or Mexican, call Elorza's house and talk to his mother or father, respectively.

The idea that they're married thrills me- I get giddy just thinking about a conversation between the two of them.

While I'm not sure if I've ever talked to his brother, Andrew (who is the definitive Elorza) and his sister Elisa both have positively gorgeous, if non-accented voices. The first time I ever talked to Elorza I was thrilled. His voice assured me that he must be everything I ever suspected he was. And hey...I was right. Nothing is better about him than the way he talks. (Note: That probbaly isn't true. In fact, nothing I'm saying has any value whatsoever any longer. It's just that I'm getting on some sort of updating cycle....I keep blogging and blogging and blogging.....eventually, I'm going to EXPLODE.)

Hmmm....I just went insane. Let's see how long I can go without writing again, eh?

On with it!
My desire for human contact this weekend has driven me to a new low- I have just played a clue with Tony, Cathy, and their friend Rob.

Ever heard of justifiable homicide? This is it! So let it be you, with any weapon of your choice, in the computer room. Just get me out of this now!

i'm Cherry flavoured!

Kenzie and I are also both cherries.

Mark and I are discussing the fact that I have every reason to be thankful that this weekend has gone the way it has (really, really badly)

"Damn damn damn damn!
I've grown accustomed to her face!
She almost makes the day begin!"

Ah, nothing does it for me the way this does. (Accustomed to Her Face from My Fair Lady)

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! MARK JUST INSULTED ANDREW! That's a little bit of a role-reversal.....ah, that was satisfying just to hear.

I think I'm gonna call Elorza.

Yeah, sounds like a plan.

On with it!

.....that was the most fucked up ending of any movie ever.

I liked most of it, but it seemed to drag on towards the end, which was....disturbing and surreal.

Didn't get much of my room clean at ALL...there's a shocker.

I'm really hungry, I wonder if mom made any sort of dinner.

Crap, dad's about to see that my room still isn't clean.

I have bigger problems.

I put on more tragic love songs. This is a mistake.

Something tells me I'm gonna medicate myself to sleep again tonight.

Maybe it's just me, but I think they time in life when I get the least amount of attention is when I beg for it. Nothing hurts quite the way expecting the phone to be for you over and over again and having it not be.

If I were in my normal state of sustained arrogance, I would be hurling accusations at everyone else for not being there for me. But not much is normal this weekend.

Tomorrow is monday...somewhat blissfully. At least school is a distraction.

I'm still hungry.

On with it.
Ugh, I've been distracted. Already.

"I love him, but when the night is over
He is gone- the river's just a river.
WIthout him, the world around me changes
The trees are bear and everywhere the streets are full of strangers."

I think I've come to the realization that I am lonely as shit right now- the lonely part being the realization. I knew I was SOMETHING as shit, but I wasn't sure what. So yeah, if anyone out there is reading this and it is at all possible that you can randomly stop by today, I'd like that. I need company.

*feels...the estrogen....building it......CAN'T*

I need to hug somebody. ARGH! (As a side note, if you're someone who'd be willing to randomly visit me, but not hug me, we can ditch that part! But visit or call or SOMETHING.)

On with it.

What Color Underwear Are You?

I'm wondering if that will stay there....if it doesn't, let it be known- I am yellow underwear!

I am entirely convinced that the outcome of that quiz was entirely random, but it was entertaining, nonetheless.

Wouldn't it be great if those results actually meant something? One of these days I'll be filling out a resumé and I'll put down in the accomplishments section or whatever "I am yellow underwear!" or "I am a chihuhua!" (Which is what's "what breed of dog are you?" proclaimed me to be.) And I will, of course, get the position of head VP in charge of.....making assload's of money.

*Gets a mental picture* interesting...

I got the link to that quiz from the livejournal of Kenzie, a link to which was provided on Jacquie's page.

I just took yet another quiz, but at the end you have to deduce who you were on your own according to which letter you got the most of- I only got two of one letter, but if I count it for that one, I'm a minion, the same as Kenzie.

What Kenzie and I have in common (that I've discovered so far) & interesting facts
~A penchant for "La Vie Boheme"
~Minion status
~Respect of Ani DiFranco (whom I'm doing my poetry report on- damn, I better start that soon.
~Her boyfriend's....or at least her sex partner's name is apparently Ariel. This turns me on.

She had the lyrics to "In His Eyes" from Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on her site, and I somehow got it mixed up with "On My Own" from Les Miserables, so I went to download it and upon discovering it wasn't the same thing, I downloaded "In His Eyes", "On My Own" AND "Bring Him Home", also from Les Miserables. I really wish I knew someone to burn the Les Miserables soundtrack from. I want to know what the....refrain or whatever of "On My Own" is called, the one that has the line "To love another person is to see the face of god." I also want to know how Emily managed to get the picture of her to stay on dysphorena. These are both things that Emily would know. Which is why it's entirely regrettable that Emily's *coughassholecough* stepped on her laptop and broke it. I haven't had any communication with her at all since she went back to Boston. I should call her today...if I can find the phone card she got me for christmas.

Ahhhh!!!! The harmony at the end of "A Little Fall of Rain" from Les Miserables is incredible.

Mike the German has IMed me. He's asking how Jeff is. I'm spending far too much time online.

"A ghost you say?
A ghost may be...
She was just like a Ghost to me-
One minute there and she was gone!"

Red and Black- apparently I'm in a Les Miserables mood. I'm in a completely romantic, girly, wanting-things-to-be-beautiful, let's-all-watch-movies-that-make-us-cry, writing-bad-poetry-and-wearing-perfume mood. No one is here, and I still feel self-conscious that my lips are chapped.

"I feel my soul on fire!"
"My world if she's not there!"
"The color of desire!"
"The color of despair!"

I'm trying to decide between cleaning my room as I watch "All That Jazz" and starting on my Ani DiFranco report, and it's very, very crystal clear which one I'm actually going to do- As much as I do enjoy everything about Ani, writing that report could be classified as schoolwork, and therefore must be put off as long as humanly possible.

So I'm off to do what I've just stated quickly, before I'm distracted by ANYTHING AT ALL. I'm very easily distracted.

On with it!
I started this post off originally by saying "I've officially found another blog of someone I've never met that I'm actually interested in reading!" but I decided against it- I don't want to make it official yet. While I've read, and enjoy, everything she's written so far, she's only had the site, apparently, since the first of the year.

That's not the only thing disconcerning to me- another thing is that it would appear that she's in middle school. I don't know why that's bothersome to me...possibly because I'm threatened by the idea of someone so young being so cool. Actually, it bothered me for the first two minutes after her making reference to "TMS", which I can only presume is the initials for her middle school, but by now....I'm sorta psyched about it. Because she reminds me of me. And I want to get to know her.

Her style seems to suggest that she posts paragraph-long things multiple times when she gets online. Which means if I checked back now- since I found her originally on the "most recently updated blog" list- there might already be something new there.

Okay, checked, and there's nothing, but I can forgive this because she was up all last night -or was it the night before???- participating in a 12 hour dance marathon. This impresses me endlessly. What impresses me more was the next night...which means it the dance marathon must have been the night before...she was up watching old episodes of SNL and she made a point of saying how SNL is no longer good. THANK YOU, RANDOM BLOGGER CHICK! I have been looking for somebody, other than my sister and a book we were reading once a long time ago, to validate my opinion that SNL has become pure and utter crap.

Other similarities and/or interesting facts:
~She posts random pieces of conversations between her and her friends (well, only one friend so far) that NO ONE else would find entertaining at all (Which, ironically, I find entertaining) and follows them up by pointing out how many normal people were staring at her when they laughed hysterically about whatever was said in public.
~She, like Jenn and I, makes references to the lame cheer in "Bring it On!", though I'm not sure if she thinks it's lame or not. Either way....I liked the movie. (So fucking sue me)
~Her name is apparently "Jacquie". This is trippy.
~She seems to have a thing for Weezer. (Elorza would heartily disapprove...if Elorza ever did anything "heartily") She plugged the song "Sandwiches Time" on her site and while I can't say the falsetto of the bass-player-turned-lead-singer impresses me quite the way she says it affects her, I see this song growing on me. More so if I could figure out the lyrics or find them posted ANYWHERE on the internet. I like the rythym, anyway.

"Sandwiches time
Sandwiches time
Sandwiches on my mind...."

In my search to find the lyrics, I found that pretty much anyone who's ever made a comment on this song on a forum cites those lyrics, being the only ones that are clearly audible....wait, I think audible's the wrong word there. Oh well.

I want to get this post done before 1:30 because it's about then that I have a rush of, well, two or three people who check the site. I think. I might just be making that up.

Saying that right there reminds me of freshmen year, being at Emily's house and having invited Max over to watch movies with us and do something together socially for the first time...or the second, depending if Dance Brazil was before or after that. I don't know. Either way, at one point while we were watching Pleasantville I asked him what was going on and he explained it to me, then said "At least, I think so. I might just be making this up." and we looked at each other for an extended moment....ah, even remembering it now somehow pleases me. Emily told me later that she thought he was going to kiss me just then, and I think I did, too, though now I know her and I were both really really delusional....but we LIKED being delusional. I miss my naive freshmen days. As if I've never mentioned that before.

I want the chance to read through Jacquie's naive freshmen days. And I want the chance to get to know Max again- whenever I start to doubt the value of people in life, their potential for kindness and charity, I think about Max. I remember how he went the extra mile to save my life freshmen year.

No matter how much I regret being alive from time to time, and no matter what anyone else ever does for me in matter what happens, or what I become, or what he could prove to be, there's never going to be a point in my life where I'm anything but entirely grateful to him. Other than in awe.

The first bit of....tension between Jeff and I ever- aside from the fact that I wrote an essay about wanting to torture him before I ever met him- was about Max's father. He presented at Young Writer's and Jeff and his friends were left unimpressed, after which he e-mailed me calling the man a cross between a bore and a moron- a boron. I was amused by the idea that someone would call someone else moronic without knowing that the insult they fabricated for him was also an element, and defended Max's father's honor. I was impressed by the man...perhaps biasly, but I did enjoy his writing.

I was going to go into that more, but I want to post by 1:30. So, in grand Jacquie style, more later.

On with it!
Scratch that- running your mouse over that WOULD be fun if my connection weren't so damned slow. Might work for you, though.

Mitch and I are discussing Bon Jovi. I love new people because they've never heard what you have to say, so you don't run the risk of sounding redundant. It's like a chance to start over.

I'm listening to "Bed of Roses", a song that's been all Jeff to me for a very long time now. Too long for some people's comfort. Mitch as my distraction is keeping me from feeling it as much as I do sometimes, but mercifully. It used to leave me crying in bed for missing him every night. Mitch is leaving now, so it might do the same tonight..I hope so. I need to cry. And sleep. And do about sixty other things.

Okay, in between then and now, I've just read about a dozen postively beautiful sex jokes on, a site recommended on Mitch's sad, pathetic aol hometown site, which I wouldn't even bother linking to if it weren't for the fact that he says really really sweet stuff about Becky on there. That's the kind of recognition women covet like a drug.

Damn, I'm tired. I never got around to watching my rentals today, as I planned to since I got up...which, haha, was only 13 hours ago. And what have I accomplished in that thirteen hours? Let's review:

~WAY too many blogspot entries
~One entry in my psyche logbook
~One e-mail to Mitch
~Several pointless conversations
~Discovering some new Millay poetry that I like
~Discovering a site that seems to have a lot of other poetry to like
~Remembering, if not starting to do, the report that's due monday
~Ate a couple times
~Saw Mark
~Played with vinegar and baking soda
~Discovered the shortcomings of alta vista
~Got the ball rolling on the brilliant Field's Medal plan
~Failed at making a string of links that would be enjoyable to run one's mouse over.
~Made this list of things I accomplished today
~Missed him so much it was fucking tangible

And yet it somehow feels like I only did one of those all day long.

Yeah, you guessed it- the vinegar and baking soda experiment.

"For tonight, I sleep on a bed of nails." On with it.
Wee! Running your mouse over this is fun! Weeeeeee!!!!

I spent ENTIRELY too much time on that. Soooo bored.....

On with it.