Saturday, January 12, 2002

I hate living in my house. I wake up to either the sound of the baby being obnoxious, or of Cathy or Tony yelling at the baby being obnoxious, or of Cathy or Tony yelling at Tony or Cathy, respectively, for being bitchy or insane.

I used to just dislike Tony because he was stupid. But he's turned into a fucking asshole, as well.

For those of you who don't know, Tony is my sister's fiancé who lives with us. He moved in because he was getting kicked out of his apartment, but the way it was explained to me was that he wanted to be able to work fewer hours so he could get his GED and his driver's license. I hated the idea of letting him move in, but they left it up to me- and I figured, well, screw it, I'll make the sacrifice so my sister can have a better life later on. However, in the...three or four months he's lived here, all he has accomplished is spending money he doesn't have incessantly and quitting the two jobs he's had. And making my life even more of a fucking misery than it was previously.

I want him out of my house. I'd sorta like Cathy to leave, too. And the baby (her child, but not with Tony, though he's taking on the role of the father figure, which makes him act REALLY arrogantly to anyone who would attempt to use any kind of discipline on the child that's not exactly the same kind as his, like my parents or me.) Everything has caused the stress level of my house to fucking skyrocket, and for no apparent reason. All I accomplished, apparently, was to let Tony be lazy and gain weight- which affects me personally, as he seems to have a distaste for wearing shirts around the house.

If I didn't say this well enough earlier, I'll try it again: I want him out of my fucking house, and I want him out now.

Having woken up to the sounds of the baby and Tony's yelling at the baby and Tony's yelling at Cathy and my parents and everything in the world this...morning, I think, I went downstairs to discover that while my goddamned application to New School hasn't arrived yet, the one I sent for from Lyndon State, a college I hadn't even been in the mindset of applying to anymore for the longest time, has arrived after ages. The application depressed the fuck out of me, just looking at it, just leafing through it. Firstly, because I love vermont with an aching unparalleled and second because it was a huge reminder of the fact that I'm going to be very far away from Jeff- not to mention EVERYONE I care about- next year.

Unless I go to New York. In New York, I'll be far away from Jeff and most other people, but there's a pretty huge chance Elorza will be there. And Greg already is. And Phil will probably be moving their shortly. But I'll be farther away from Jeff than I would be at Lyndon- Jeff has a friend that goes to Lyndon, Corey, and this tends to make me think that I would have more of an oppurtunity to see him than I would otherwise....though, inspecting that idea, I'm not sure why.

If I think about it realistically, I would know that it really doesn't matter- whether Jeff and I can maintain our friendship once I leave, I don't suppose there's any real way we can maintain the relationship....not with any emotional success anyway. Not when you consider my track record even when my significant other's live in the same town. At college their will be a thousand new people- men and women, and they'll all be appealing to me. And while he'll still just be at St. Joe's, I wouldn't expect distance to make his heart grow fonder. Not that I've ever even talked to him about what he expects to happen to us. It's really, really likely that I'm presumptuous as hell to think he'd even want to be with me until I leave, let alone longer.

I'm so not used to dating someone as experienced as him. We are each other's fourth relationships, and in all of the first three I was either the first or the second....if you only count high school relationships. I think. I know Mark dated Jenn before me, and I know he dated Beth, but I'm pretty sure Beth was in middle school. I think. Might have been freshmen year. It disturbs the hell out of me that I can't remember this.

I was thinking I was going to take the day writing essays, but I might call Mark and see what he's up to, instead. It's possible he's busy, but he's the type of person that I wouldn't really be afraid to ask. Most people, I hate the concept of calling them up out of no where and seeing what they're doing, but, yeah....he doesn't normally have a whole hell of a lot going on.

Goddamn, I want popcorn chicken. Or those chicken thingies I like at Arby's. Or something from Pizza Hut. For at least two of those, it would be better to ask Jenn to go somewhere, but I'm sure she works today. So for right now, I think I'll just bathe. Yeah, sounds like a plan.

Got something to wash out of my hair, anyway. (She says, making a fun, ambiguous reference!)

On with it.