Saturday, December 15, 2001

"Silent All These Years" should never have been a dance song in my opinion, and it's come to my attention that the thing that's bothering me most right now is how much I miss Jeremey, and still need him, and still love him, and how he reciporcates none of that.

"And for the million hours that we were
Well I'll smile and remember it all...
Then I'll turn and go.
I'm on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why?"

I want to be writing something beautiful in all of this, but I don't know where to start anymore and that's perhaps why I've turned here. I don't give a god-damn what any of you see, you voyeuristic fucks. I'm not really angry enough to have written that....or perhaps I'm too angry to confine it to that.

I feel like just sitting here thoughtlessly scrutinizing each spot in the air as I listen to my depressing music playlist and letting my voice waver as I sing over lines with meaning I didn't realize before, but a certain someone that I do NOT want to be talking to about her issues- not because I mind talking to people about their issues, but because of who she is and who her issues involves- is talking to me about her issues...and thus ruining my tranquil bnrooding over past pain with anxiety of an oncoming horror.

"Love is not some kind of victory march
It's a cold, and it's a very broken

....ugh, now I'm getting fucked over. I just wanted to sit here and love him in the middle of the silent night, and let sincere tears fall down my cheeks unheard, but no, now I have to get all fucking pissed over HER and her raping every single aspect of my life. Sometimes I just hope she fucking burns in hell.

I've gotten too used to seeing Jeff twice a weekend- he's not in school, so I'll see him soon, but I'm not going to see him tomorrow and this isn't something I seem to be readily processing.

Em's coming over so I can kavetch in person, so I'm gone. It's good to have her around for a while. On with it.

So on the ride home from Jill and Torrie's with Heather and Jill and her brother Tashia in the car we got to talking about their personal experiences with a lot of the issues I've been dealing with lately. Apparently it's made me depressed, though maybe it's not that, maybe it's just me. Or maybe I'm more disturbed than depressed, or more exhausted than disturbed.

Maybe I want to hunt some fucking bastards down. Anyone got a cock I can sever with a broken beer bottle? It'd be theraputic about now.

I wish I could find the tape Emily made me- I want to be listening to "Silent All These Years" by Tori Amos, among other things. I'm downloading a version that's apparently a "Really Deep Remix", but between my 56k connection and actually finding someone on audiogalaxy with a version of it to get it from, this could take a while.

Okay, by the time I finished typing that sentence it had already started, but still.

I should have asked to spend the night at Jill and Torrie's. I don't want to be home and alone already.

I miss somebody...maybe it's them, all of them. Torrie and Jill and Heather and Mike and freshmen year going to jill's house everyday after school and learning about sex and trying on Jill's clothing and lackadaising around her house that smelled like the wood stove. Sometimes it was so boring I could die from it, but in general it was comfortable and wondrous. I was so young back then....and so totally passionately in love Jon.

Jonathan Lawless. Senior when I was a freshmen and I've talked about him on here probably more times than I even know about, but either way....I remember once I was spending the night at Jill's and we were in this very casual conversation until I just burst into tears suddenly, truthfully, youthfully. I can't even remember what it is to really pine for someone who has no semblance of reciporcation for you, someone you can't even talk to, someone from who even a glance was a blessing unsurpassed. I miss the days when that was the stuff I cried over instead of real pain and real problems and real shame. I miss sweating the small stuff. I want my inner freshman back.

"Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again."

My hair smells like cigarettes- one undesirable aspect of Jill/Torrie's apartment- EVERYONE there smoked. And tash and I- and possibly Bobby?- were the only virgins. But that's cool. It's not often I get to feel innocent.

I was supposed to call Katie back before I left this morning. There's a possibilty it was for something going on at her house, it might be transpiring (probably not the word I'm lookign for) right now. But I'm not sure if I make the transition from one group of friends to the other this quickly. Might cause me to disdain the Katie group pretty hugely.

I'm gonna call, find out. Better than sitting around waiting for Tori Amos to download. On with it.
I didn't entirely fuck up at teh concert last night and Jeff is home for the next month, along with however others.

Going to Torrie and Jill's christmas party today and this makes me incredibly happy, I haven't spent real time with them in so long.

Only ten days till christmas, and I still have five out of seven people to shop for....damn.

But I'm going to get all christmas-spirited up today, if I can help it, and it's going to rock. I will have a good weekend, I am determined.

Happy non-denominational holidays, and on with it!

Thursday, December 13, 2001

*Sigh* I know what em's thinking about me right now and I don't really know if I disagree with her. I can't get into anymore detail than that.

On with it.

Wednesday, December 12, 2001

I'm like on a bitch roll....yeah, that's right, I'm makin' an estrogen sandwich- sweet meat on a bitch roll. (do YOU know what the hell I'm talking about? Because I sure don't!)

Andrew came to me asking for some consolation and I, being entirely incapable of sympathizing with him since he's gone through this whole "Let's get over Linda by falling for (the entirely unattainable) Amber" stint, told him that I really didn't know how to give him any right then. I don't think I could have faked it, really. Some people would call it assertion, but I'm not really used to not stroking the pity sticks of whichever breying ass asks me too.

Apparently I'm pissed about something, because normally I would have been gentle about that. Don't much feel like caring right now.

Maybe it's my lack of contact with people I actually care about as of late. But this will subside shortly- Emily is coming home for vacation tomorrow, I'm seeing Jeff friday, and Elorza came online today to let me know he's been busy lately but he'll e-mail me soon. I still miss Ben, Nick and Chad, but I've been talking to Ben more lately and I'm sure things will get better with the other two once they have the time or I have the energy. Mark and Aaron will both be back for vacation soon, and Torrie and Jill's Christmas party will come up one of these days- they had to reschedule it because I, a dumbass, told them there was a Triangle Sleep show on a day there wasn't.

I am determined to have myself a Merry Little Christmas. (Or a little Mary one, quoth Thibidou- which reminds me, I should go see Judd)

So once again I'm going to go to bed having finished neither my english nor my french's nice not to care right now. Tomorrow is thursday...this week is almost done.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

I will. I must. How depressing.

"Neighbor to neighbor!
Father and son!
One for all
And all for one!"
~Seize the Day, from the Newsies, covered masterfully by the garage band 0% real....
(Note: This quote has no significance whatsoever right now, but the song is stuck in my head and that makes me happy.)

On with it!

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

I get selfish sometimes and bitch at people who probably don't deserve to be bitched at because it's FUCKING SATISFYING TO BE THE BIGGEST WHORE I POSSIBLY CAN BE TO THEM. Let's take a better look at this:

Someone unamed: I'm still here for you Linda. Remember that. Maybe I haven't taken all this in the best way possible but I don't intend to abandon you.
FieryGwenivere: I know
Unamed: You still have my roses hanging in your room?
FieryGwenivere: yeah
Unamed: Then tonight Linda, I want you to look at those roses and remember that I, like those roses, will be here for you, no matter what happens. And even if it's not me...there will always be someone, someone like me, who will be there to give you comfort in the night. Because even though they may wilt, I don't believe roses ever truly die.
FieryGwenivere: sure
Unamed: I'm sorry. I'm only doing the best that I can.
FieryGwenivere: Do what you want. I'm not having the type of night where I can sit around and contribute hallmark-card nostalgia over past and present relationships and assuage your fears that you've either left me or been left by me, or will leave me, or will be left by me, or that our relationship might change or that it might not get better or that one day I may take down my roses or that one day you may stub you toe. I'm just not there right now. I've got other shit on my mind and I don't feel like pretending that I care, right now, about yours.
Unamed: Then what is on your mind?
FieryGwenivere: nothing I can talk about
Unamed: Why?
FieryGwenivere: because I don't want to
Unamed: Well, that's your decision.
Unamed: I'm sorry.
*Linda ignores him for a few minutes*
Unamed: I love you Linda. Goodnight.
*Linda ignores him till he leaves*

And the thing is, I really wish I had taken the time to be crueler about that. I need to freak out at somebody right now. SOMEONE DO SOMETHING TO ME SO I CAN OVERREACT AND MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT ABOUT A SEEMINGLY INCONSEQUENTIAL HAPPENING.

Too goddamned bad Elorza isn't on right now and hasn't been for a while....he totally would have leapt at that job. That's one of the hundreds of millions of gorgeous things about him...he can be unselfish when he wants to be. Truly unselfish, not this bullshit that all the rest of us go through trying to look unselfish while the whole time we are selfishly thinking about what a great impression we must be giving. Only when he wants to be, but so few ever achieve that, ya know?

Casey Labrack continues to be cool with funny links and the like...

I REALLY should be in bed. I'll do that now.

On with it.
"I finally made it, this town looks rearranged
I don't know these people anymore."
~Blues Traveller, Canadian Rose

So Jenn and I went to Wal*Mart tonight and I got shit for Em and Austin, two of the 7 major people I have to get gifts for, and we saw a shitload of people- Amber, who looks amazingly different with her glasses, Jesse and Christina Taylor and Devon (Jesse's ex-girlfriend), the guy who works at movieland and, most importantly, Bobby, who I haven't been talking to at all lately, which bothers me. We were close for so long and as of late our relationship had been exactly zip. Jenn asked Bobby if he wanted to go to the movies with us (plans which she improvised on the spot, knowing that I, of course, had nothing better to do) and he accepted- I asked him if he hated me or something and he said that he was just talking to Sam the other night about no longer talking to me and how it was upsetting him. That made me feel good.

After a humiliating encounter between them, my tendency to be an ass about things, and the 20 items or less line, Bobby called home and found out he couldn't go to the movies with us, but Jenn and I resolved that as soon as possible we will, in fact, make plans that somehow involve him. I think he and Jenn would make an incredible couple and Jenn, 17 years and 11 months old and still having never kissed a guy, isn't entirely inclined to disagree. This leads me to the idea that her and I should do something with Jeff and Bobby because I'm dying to force him to meet (spelled that "meat" the first time through, hello freud) and spend time with my friends, and I figure Bobby and Jenn are good choices for the first time being that he's met Jenn briefly, and Bobby's a Metallica fan. So he and Jeff will pretty much indefinitely get along.

I'm doing some stuff and I'm afraid I'll accidentally close this, so I'm gonna post for now and maybe come back later. On with it.

The UK guy/girl/mammal of some sort is back! Hurrah!

Other than that....told Jeff everything I needed to tell him and he was, of course, amazing about it. That's good.

Trying to find dance classes to join with Ricky. I really want to get in shape lately, and it's been a while since I've danced, too.

My mom bought me some sized three reeds for my saxophone and I can't do a thing with them, I should probably practive with them, tonight too. And I want to get started on the top secret project....not that it's really a top secret, so long as you're not from lisbon, you can go ahead and ask. A lot of you from Lisbon can ask anyway, but I can't give away which group.

Nothing special to write...I'll get back later.

On with it.

Monday, December 10, 2001

"It's coming on Christmas,
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer and singing
Songs of joy and peace...
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on...."
~Joni Mitchell

The tone and sadness of this song seems like it will be the theme of the mood I will resign myself to if I do not quickly start to resolve the things that have been crippling me lately.

I don't want this shit to take away the happiness that Jeff gives will though, if I don't work on it. And it will do it damn fast.

I wish I was still in psychology so I could have another shot at doing the cool work we did in that course and making another tape...that was a great assignment. I wish I hadn't done it in two hours the night before it was due.

"For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise
And we never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die
For these sins
We were merely freshmen."

None of you can be held responsible anymore, I am touching my face. Why am I writing like this, am I really all that saddened? Is everything truly this bad? I can't even really feel it anymore...maybe that's what's wrong with my shoulder. Maybe my shoulder is manifesting the pain that the rest of me doesn't want to feel.

8th grade, track meets, listening to this music with Heather and Serena I think and various others. My favorite songs were this and "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. I was still in the top 40 radio part of my life, still content to find meaning in the first available art without ever venturing to the arcane and true. But those songs are every bit as wonderful as all of's just that I never had to quest to find them for myself, and neither did anyone else of my generation. They were handed to me.

The very beginning of "With or Without You" by U2 is disconcerning. So....chipper-sounding. I'm trying to understand the lyrics to it just now more than I have in the past, but I have to leave for my appointment shortly. I wish the aspirins had set in by shoulder is killing me.

"I can't live
With or without you."

Are my thoughts ever focused? Is my mother home? Am I going to have to ride to the appointment with my father. Does he know about it? What's going on? I should check on that......I feel like writing on this all day. Oh well.

"Nothing to win
And nothing left to lose."

On with it.
Jeff did a better job at making me feel okay tonight than I thought he would......he checked the site. He knows I lied to him. He's yet to know what was actually wrong, but I will, and pretty much have to, tell him. If I harbor any hopes whatsoever of this relationship being more successful than past ones.

Derek and I seem to be...doing that weird thing we always used to do, and apparently still do, where we're being pissy towards each other without being willing to admit that we're fighting. I really hate it.

Casey Labrack, a friend of Ben and Nick's that I met two years ago in young writers and pretty much stored in the "people I'll never have any reason to think about again" compartmaent of my memory, is cool shit.

Nick's trying to apologize for not being available lately and I won't let him...either I was more hurt by that than I suspected or Jeff didn't cast as much as a spell on me as I thought he did. I'm trying to be nice right now, to everyone, and it's failing. Or maybe I'm not trying anything. I should be in bed.

I'm wondering if I'm angry at pot for existing or angry at Derek for getting stoned? Or angry at all, or hungry....I'm pretty sure I'm hungry, I'll have some toast before bed.

I sort of miss Elorza. Or something. I wish he could have come up over thanksgiving. I'd really love to see him again.

I'm asunder....blah. I'm out.

My name is Linda and it's been a while since I told you my name. On with it.

Sunday, December 09, 2001

my UK visitor wasn't part of the last fifty....I feel abandoned. I think jeff's been checking it. Unless there's someone else from lewiston with adelphia....

come back UK man.woman.

On with it.
I miss knowing that people are thinking about me.

Em e-mailed me yesterday with no other intention than to let me know that she missed me....that was good. But in general, I seem to be losing the attentions of a hell of a lot of people very quickly.

Perhaps I've become less special over the past two weeks or so. Is that it?

(Holy god, that was a horrible line.....I'd like to apologize to all of you for how...completely nauseatingly teenaged girlish and clearly guilt-indcucing that was. I'd erase it, but I'd like to punish myself for ever typing it all via public shaming.)

I love Susan Egan's voice. I wish I had the Beauty and the Beast on Broadway Soundtrack.

"She comes round and she goes down on me."
Somehow this line seems appropriate.

I'm going to Jeff's tonight. He hasn't called yet, but I suppose I could call him. I'd get right on that, except I don't really fucking care for once.

And you hold me
And we are broken
Still it's all that I want to do
Just a little now
Feel myself, with a head made of the ground
I'm scared, but I'm not coming down, no no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws now locked in a smile
But nothing is alright, alright.
And I want something else....
To get me through this

I guess I'm in a Third Eye Blind mood. I'm listening to Jumper now. Haven't listened to it in was Andrew's favorite song and I didn't want to make the association, I don't know. I'm weird like that.

Words and energy fail me. I'm staring at the moniter and all I really feel, or feel like saying at least, is that life sucks and I'm tired of it and everything and myself and slipping randomly into stream of consciousness. I don't want to feel this way or think at all anymoe I hate it I hate you I hate everything I wish I were stopping this but I don't want to because I can only really write anymoreo when it's on a role but I know Illll pay for this in the morning when people are giving me knowing looks and Mr. leighton has more suicide literature piled on his desk and he plays with it unsure of whether or not to give it to me- don't ., I'm not that fuckling stupid (yes I really am but I don't think it's stupidity really it's just something some people have to do sort of wish I was one of those people I'm not goddamned why do I have to get put through this ) I'nm not looking at the screen thetypoes must be outragous. I wonder what it looks like cna't look up can't look up I shoudl clean cody's cage I always should smells like ammoncia in here there's always something I should be doing that people tell me I should be doing as if I don't know but I can't my arm hurts I haven't done it this way on a computer ever I wonder how long this is or how long it will turn out I wonder when jeff will call the computer just dinged at me and I had to look up. I wonder why it did that I wonder too much I W AWA WA WA WONDER
WHERE SHE WILL STAYAYAYA< my little runaway, a run run run run runaway, a run run run run runaway.
Do do dod od od dod od doddod...more do's just like the ones from I want something else which is really called semi-charmed life Ben's IM box is blinking at me I should stop to read what he has to say but I'm in some sort of fucked up zone sorta like the way I'm always in some FUCKING HAZE I LIKE TYPING IN CAPS AND USING WORDS LIKE FUCKING AN CUNT! YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT AN D I AM A FUCKING CUNT AND YOU FUCKING DICKHEADS ONLY WANT ME FOR MY CUNT I AM SO DISTURBED RIGHT NOW wy do I can't all this energy when was my last period. the computer dinged at me again the biw is still blkinking I don't mean to ignore you ben but I don't care about it or you or the blinking or anything elseesthely esthely esthely I'm sodamed tired of being who I am "and I can'tget myself to go away , oh god I shouldn't feel this way....reach down your hand in your pockt, now, pull out some hjope for me it's been a long day, always ain'
t that right well god now you're hand won't stop it, just keep me trembling it's been a LONG DAY ALWAYS ain't that now lord ain't that right?

I miss jeremey Idoesn't he know I loved him loved the way we sat there and quoted things back and forth to each other and had no use for pettiy things like actual conversation unless it was me running errands for him I loved to run errands for him loved to be his heroin wanted to be his heroine goddamn that's poetic Mrs. McKee would be correcting my spelling my nose itches I don't want to lift my hands from the keyboard it is 5:36 pm eastern fuck-my-ass stanrde time and I just speleed "standard" with an E I wish I could see the scre the phone has rung ring ring stoped. I won'der if it's jeff I just put a apostrophe in that, didn't I. No one's calling me, I don't think, can't be jeff, can it, I'm gonna check.

Not jeff. Fucking not jeff I checked on ben he wanted to know if I'm okay I'mn not I haven't been since friday I feel like my whole damned life I'm walking around getting raped I want to know what the hell happened to me to make me constantly feell this way (M.r Leighton is gonna have a goddanmned feild day with my monday morning I'm not looking so much for accuracy, damn it! ) I don't know what I was saying before the parentheses and to check I'd have to look raped. it was about being raped- IO rememberere that without looking up I don't think I canre about the typos I'm typinh this the way I write in my journal I want that back from mr. hall I want to start a new one and tell him I feel raped and have him help me I want mr. hall or mr. lad spelled with only one d to give me the answers to my fucking questions but the thing about mr. hall that's better is that he knows he's fallible- so does mr. ladd except that mr. ladd makes me feel as though I need to do thing s the way he syas I should because he iwise someone just IMEd me and that last sentence went to mark before I could bring myself to a stop this has got to be so trippy by now emily's getting this and now I have three blinking lights waiting for me and I haven't ev en told two of them to wait, ymaybe I have but mark doesn't know and wha....I con't cking know what I was going to say there but I know I spelled don't wit a c I want jeff to call why hasn't he called yet but for once in my life I have someone who needs me, someone I 've needed so long, fo ronce unafraid I can go where ligfe lieadxs me anrd omewhow I know I'll be strong TONY BENNETT IS FUCLL OF SHIT. JEff can't help me right now and Idon't really think anywone can anymore.

I'm gonna answer my beeps I don't want to fuck them fuck society fuck the world fuck tha qwerty fuck this and that and the other Iwant to be leaning against derek on his car like last night and smelling his sweater and I don't care if it doesn't seem platonic I don't even give a fuck anymore if it is anyone who's read this far wouldn't canrea bout what I have to say I'm still editing myself why am I editing mysel to I believe i n editing myself? I don' t know, yes, clearly I do these people want me to answer their IMS and I odn'treally feel any obligation to the m yes I do but I want to be writing this so much more I can't tell why I don't know this wholethingcouldbewone long word ifIstoioppedhittingthespacebaribetthat'sconfusingyourowndamnedfault for trying to read it still.

I told mark to brb.....I'l d vbraighapodfmasklcbszjigknf pha d/job okdsanP{F"Dj hTP}GSLZDFo[dsfdsiuhishishishtishisthishsitshistshisthsihstihsiths tI I hate I want to llililililick you from your head to your tores you ewanna know something? I'm not sexual at all. Idon't really enjoy anythign sexual I do I do it frot he other people it's been a long time since really really liking something enough so that I was doing it for me and not gfor them, primarily sometimes I get kind in to it but not really I hope no on ereads that I hope everyone reads that "There si not parth" godddamned andrew's poetry was fucking long last night Ias making fun of it to derek and shit I miss derek and his sweater he has a nice sweater and he knows who is singing every single fucking song on CYY. I AM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT CYY (or anything else) this feels like I'm goiing into a fit or an orgasm except that goddamn I can' not todo thatand I'm sick and tired of oveersexed males who think I could if theyhad their chance to prove it.


Miss floyd will probably be upset.....hahaa, no, what am I saying she' still have to be readin g this she
d still have to are and she doesn't not anymore no one does anymore I've become a memory that bpoeple are trying to rid themslves of except that they keep on flashing fuckiong ayt I want derek's swearter and his stomach risins underneath it how is it that I Cgost so cuaght up in the moment and watchinghis sweater and listening to chuck and chase both of whom are so obscenely beautuifyul that they should never walk anywherew tihnout a spotlight on there. THEM HELLLO TO ALL YOU IMBECILES WHO ARE STILL FUCKING READING THIS YOU JER_OFF CUM MAGNET WHRORES SLUT DICKMITTEN

It's such a lovely place

my driver's ed man think sI have a lovely fdace

he's the only one. Mary loou henna.....

ON with it, fuck right man...shit, I don't want this to be over now but it must on withitonwithitonwith tit on with it!!!!!!

*Sigh* Why are people so continuously ignorant?

Watching Turner and his friends throw snowballs in my yard sort of cheers me up a little...but damn, everything is so wrong right now.

Welcome home, baby. We missed you.

On with it.