Saturday, December 15, 2001

So on the ride home from Jill and Torrie's with Heather and Jill and her brother Tashia in the car we got to talking about their personal experiences with a lot of the issues I've been dealing with lately. Apparently it's made me depressed, though maybe it's not that, maybe it's just me. Or maybe I'm more disturbed than depressed, or more exhausted than disturbed.

Maybe I want to hunt some fucking bastards down. Anyone got a cock I can sever with a broken beer bottle? It'd be theraputic about now.

I wish I could find the tape Emily made me- I want to be listening to "Silent All These Years" by Tori Amos, among other things. I'm downloading a version that's apparently a "Really Deep Remix", but between my 56k connection and actually finding someone on audiogalaxy with a version of it to get it from, this could take a while.

Okay, by the time I finished typing that sentence it had already started, but still.

I should have asked to spend the night at Jill and Torrie's. I don't want to be home and alone already.

I miss somebody...maybe it's them, all of them. Torrie and Jill and Heather and Mike and freshmen year going to jill's house everyday after school and learning about sex and trying on Jill's clothing and lackadaising around her house that smelled like the wood stove. Sometimes it was so boring I could die from it, but in general it was comfortable and wondrous. I was so young back then....and so totally passionately in love Jon.

Jonathan Lawless. Senior when I was a freshmen and I've talked about him on here probably more times than I even know about, but either way....I remember once I was spending the night at Jill's and we were in this very casual conversation until I just burst into tears suddenly, truthfully, youthfully. I can't even remember what it is to really pine for someone who has no semblance of reciporcation for you, someone you can't even talk to, someone from who even a glance was a blessing unsurpassed. I miss the days when that was the stuff I cried over instead of real pain and real problems and real shame. I miss sweating the small stuff. I want my inner freshman back.

"Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again."

My hair smells like cigarettes- one undesirable aspect of Jill/Torrie's apartment- EVERYONE there smoked. And tash and I- and possibly Bobby?- were the only virgins. But that's cool. It's not often I get to feel innocent.

I was supposed to call Katie back before I left this morning. There's a possibilty it was for something going on at her house, it might be transpiring (probably not the word I'm lookign for) right now. But I'm not sure if I make the transition from one group of friends to the other this quickly. Might cause me to disdain the Katie group pretty hugely.

I'm gonna call, find out. Better than sitting around waiting for Tori Amos to download. On with it.