Thursday, October 10, 2002

"Moons and Junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy-dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real-
I've looked at love that way.
But now it's just another show
You leave 'em laughing when you go
And if you care, don't let them know
Don't give yourself away
I've looked at love from both sides now
From give and take and still, somehow
It's loves illusions I recall-
I really don't know love at all."
A lot of times I feel that way. And when I listen to this song, I can feel it seeping into my heart like moisture and making it heavier. But I shouldn't be feeling that way now. I have love. I have Zack.

Zack and I have decided that we do not intend to end our relationship when I go off to massage school, whenever in hell that may be. When I come back, I will stay here- in the area, that is, hopefully not the house- until he graduates. When we both move on, we plan to move on together.

So I'll be in Maine until at least June. That's bad. The good thing, and the scary thing, is that I'm somewhere I've never been before- in a relationship that doesn't have a pre-determined expiration date, as far as I'm concerned. In past relationships, I've made it as clear as possible that I'm not looking to spend the rest of my life with anyone, no matter how I feel about them. I'm not about to say that I want to spend the rest of my life with Zack, but I can say this- the idea of us ending scares me more than the idea of commitment. So we'll go with it, for now. Big step for me.
I've restarted the song, after interluding with "River", by the same artist (Joni Mitchell) and it reminds me that I am depressed. Because....I'm happy with Zack, obviously I am, but there are still al lot of demons from my past that need slaying....or, rather, fairy tales from my past that need growing out of. While I'm not sure I've ever really gotten over anyone, there's one person in particular that I don't think I'll ever get over completely, or maybe I'm just not willing to say goodbye to something that I, for once in my life, lost, as opposed to giving up by my own free will. Romantically, that is. When it comes to platonic love, I miss Jeremey lately more than I have in a few months- and when you take into account that there hasn't been a day in the past year that I haven't thought about him, that's pretty bad. More rational friends of mine seem to think that the more I prostrate myself to him, the lower I get and the more desperate I become, the more satisfied he's gonna be. I wish I could agree with my guiding voice of reason in all of this- with all the guiding voices of reason- but I just can't force myself to think of my oldest friend as being that cruel. I can't for myself to think of him as anything but my oldest friend. A while ago, I was at a point where I could remember him fondly and sort of accept that things will never be the same again, and I wish I was still there: the last thing I want to do is forget our conversations, our private jokes, going to the library to research how to hypnotize people so that we could get humiliating revenge against a common foe, trying to get to the different islands of myst together, searching for Mrs. Deraspe's missing bee stamps, discussing fucked-up Matchbox Twenty lyrics, writing the Happy Squirrel poem together, both of us being so stubborn that we spent an hour on the phone in silence during a fight rather than just hanging up.....7 years worth of memories I don't want to give up. But I could smile at them before, now I....I still can. I'm just crying while I'm smiling.

I wish I could still afford to be on the other end of a silent phone call. I wish I could be stubborn and say he's wrong. But the fact of the matter is I don't care who is...I'd blame myself, I'd blame anyone, I'd do pretty much anything. As if this is news to you- I want my friend back.

On the lighter side, I guess, is that old friendships seem to be coming alive in leaps and bounds. Andrew and I are still doing alright, testing how long we can go without fighting and hating each other bitterly. Whichever one of us had the longer stick up our ass before, it's been removed.
Andrew: Tired, aren't you?
Linda: badly
Andrew: Want me to come massage your feet for you?
Andrew: hehe, gotcha.
Andrew: *schwish*
Linda: yes, schwish.
Linda: I would never let anyone massage my feet
Andrew: I know, I wouldn't forget something like that.
Linda: wasn't sure I'd told you
Andrew: The only way you ever even let me touch your feet was if I filled you with horse-tranquilizers!
Linda: is that what you're calling it now?
Andrew: "The Injector" is what I call it, thank you, but pretty much, yeah.
Linda: :-)
Linda: you're great
Andrew: *bows*
Andrew: *trips while bowing*
Linda: *kicks you while you're down*
Andrew: *pleads for mercy*
Linda: *Walks away with a more attractive guy*
Andrew: *watches as she walks away with her imaginary friend*
Linda: Heh, it's like an intrepretive dance of our relationship. :-D
Andrew: Exactly!
Linda: If we want to call Jeff that, that is.
Andrew: What, he's not even good enough to be classified as 'imaginary?'

(On the off chance that Jeff reads this, that ain't what I was going for at all, and told him so in the next message, I just though what he said was amusing.)

Anyway, so....I'm sorta strung between good and bad right now. As ever, I guess. But hey, I got a play to right...not that I mentioned that. Too preliminary to go announcing it so publicly though- when it's done, you'll be the first to know. Just trust me.

On with it.