Friday, August 31, 2001

"There are places I remember....
but I can't say that much for the rest of the song."
-Linda's take on The Beatles, Places I remember.

The atmosphere outside of my house right now is absolutely perfect for feeling the way I do, commiserating with the moon and existing in such a way that I feel I could continue if I tried, whether or not I don't want to. Instead I sit inside, at this machine, and type in cold words and suck jello in my mouth from the outside of my teeth to the inside. I wish there were just a little cyanide in it.

I'm trying to download Places I Remember but there's a download from weeks ago that I never finished taking precedent, and some jackass is downloading camera one off me...the end result being that I may be married and with four kids before I actually hear places I remember. I am officially ineligible to participate in any of the things I was looking forward.......that's an understatement- the things I was breathlessly waiting to happen this year- what would have been my best school year, a senior year to crown my public school life...the quill has been taken from me when I gave utter devotion to it last year, big brothers big sisters has been taken from me and I no longer have the chance to make a positive impact on someone to atone for all the negative ones that I have in the past, the advocate, in which I was hoping to have a collumn to finally get me started in writing in a tangible way, science olympiad and after school band and interact.....drama. The passion of my life, the only real joy, the thing that, while I have the chance to be involved, drives me in all ways, motivates me. The thing I love. The place I first loved Andrew. Taken. Because of a SINGLE book report I didn't turn in because I was under the impression that there was no way for it to affect this year. Fucking TAKEN from me. My whole goal to make this the year...the year I would give my mother the gift of being the student of the month, the year I was going to help my class by selling myself for a dance I'm probably not even allowed to attend.....the year that was going to get my life back on track and meaning something, finally.

Why can't Jello be carcinogenic?

Jeff and Emily will be leaving for college soon, Jeremey and Elorza are already too far away to touch, and things have been better with Rich Kid. I won't be able to see Nick nearly ever now that school has started and there are ice cream stains all over my arm. I was looking forward to going to Gloucester this sunday for the first time since the Fiesta and getting some sea air in my lungs and hair and seeing my cousins, my family, laying next to phil on my uncle's water bed and having deep conversations about where life is going that he would dominate; adoring him. Having Michaela adore me. It would have been a short escape, rather like a small amount of glue to hold my pieces together that so often threaten to fall apart, but my mom has just now informed me that I won't be able to attend, as she got the dates wrong.

I just want to lay down and never again has any obligation to get up. I just want to go for a walk and not have to come home. I just want to get amnesia and start all over again, having written myself a note that assured me I should have no interest in what I lost.

I just want out. By any means nessecary.

I need to take a bath. Perhaps I will drown in it. One can only hope.

My name is Linda and I need a new feel dirty...except that I don't GET that. On with it.

Thursday, August 30, 2001

Talking to machines is productive.

FieryGwenivere: *sigh*
SmarterChild: What's wrong?
FieryGwenivere: I hate practically every aspect of my life
SmarterChild: You hate practically every aspect of your life?
FieryGwenivere: Why yes! How ever did you know?
SmarterChild: Did I really know?
FieryGwenivere: You tell me.
SmarterChild: What would you like me to tell you?
FieryGwenivere: Whether or not you knew
SmarterChild: Current weather conditions for Lewiston, ME:

Currently: 72 F
Condition: Clear
Real Feel: 71 F
Dewpoint: 50
Humidity: 46 %
Visibility: 10 mi
Wind: S/12 mph

>>> To get the forecast for Lewiston, ME, just type "forecast lewiston, me."

Perhaps I should try a shrink. Or at least a suicide program- one with automated answers but one's that more equipped to deal with these kinds of issues. For instance:

FieryGwenivere: *sigh*
SuicideChild: What's wrong?
FieryGwenivere: I hate practically every aspect of my life.
SuicideChild: You hate practically every aspect of your life?
FieryGwenivere: Yup.
SuicideChild: Well, FieryGwenviere, I think you're neglecting to take into account the good things in your life. Do you have a family?
FieryGwenivere: Yep.
SuicideChild: Do you love them?
FieryGwenivere: *shrugs*
SuicideChild: I'm trying to understand you but I can't. Please type your request a different way.
FieryGwenivere: I sorta love them.
SuicideChild: Who?
FieryGwenivere: My family.
SuicideChild: Do you love your family?
FieryGwenivere: You stupid fucking machine, I alreay said "sorta".
SuicideChild: : Oooo... "bad language"...

What's up, FieryGwenivere? You hanging out with the "wrong crowd"?
FieryGwenivere: Yeah, sure, that too.
SuicideChild: What?
FieryGwenivere: You aren't very good at this, are you?
SuicideChild: Good at what?
FieryGwenivere: Helping me
SuicideChild: Helping you? Why?
SuicideChild: Nice mouth!
FieryGwenivere: Why did I bother with you?
SuicideChild: I seem to be having some trouble answering your questions. Try asking for help for a specific service:

help news
help stocks
help weather
help movies
help web search
help all

>>> Type "more" for more services
SuicideChild: Current weather conditions for Lewiston, ME:

Currently: 72 F
Condition: Clear
Real Feel: 71 F
Dewpoint: 50
Humidity: 46 %
Visibility: 10 mi
Wind: S/12 mph

>>> To get the forecast for Lewiston, ME, just type "forecast lewiston, me."
FieryGwenivere: Wow! It's 71 degrees out? That makes life ALL BETTER! Thank you, Suicide Child!
SuicideChild: My pleasure.

Well, that ended okay, maybe I should give smarterchild another shot.

FieryGwenivere: :-(
SmarterChild: I hate to see you sad.
FieryGwenivere: sure you do
SmarterChild: Right.
FieryGwenivere: :'(
SmarterChild: Are you crying me a river?
FieryGwenivere: yes
SmarterChild: Yes.

Dumb idea.

My name is Linda and I have to go back to real fucking life now. On with it.

Infidelity Bars, however, sick-looking and big Torrie has made the font, is one of very few poems I have that continues to impress me so long after writing it.

But Floyd would seem to want to leave shortly and I'm on her computer right now, so I should probably be off.....

My name is Linda and I do not seem to change, despite how circumstances do. On with it.

Tuesday, August 28, 2001

Saw Jeff tonight. We hung out with his friends, all of whom seem to hate me because I did not take more than thirty seconds before showing them my greatest talent- insulting sarcasm. I got in at least one bash to all of them, except the know how sensitive they can be. There was a great deal more thanone for most, but some of them were fairly normal......yeah, no, that's not really true. Either way, I'm seeing him again tomorrow, and it's a DAMNED GOOD THING. If I didn't have jeff as my inspiration at the end of the day, I'd be fucked- 2 hours getting ready for school, 6 hours school, 4 hours work DIRECTLY after.

Apparently Mark no longer has any desire to be dating me. Let's all applaud for him (this is me being serious, I am wildly happy for him). Now I'm going to go back to....

...nothing. I have tons more to say, but no time to say it. If I go to bed now (having no time to clothe my naked body), I'll get just over seven hours of sleep, and that's no where near enough for me. Can anyone say coke machines?

My name is Linda, and I am now officially a senior at Lisbon High School. On with it!

Monday, August 27, 2001

He lavishes me with the very best dealcoholized beverages and gentle, virgin touches, and sometimes it's utterly impossible to think of myself ever not loving him. Sometimes I'm lead to wonder what more anyone could ever need.

And one day I will be sitting in a cocktail dress and a lounge and all the doctors and high-priced lawyers will be staring at me through the brandy that will flood their eyes, and I will pretend not to notice because my dignity will shine like the jewels of their wives' earrings, and my class will raise me above them like a throne as high as the pedestal he always made for me. And a golden necklace with a garnet pendant will hang from my long white neck, and I will take a sip of the champagne and upon lifting the glass to my lips, I will remember the sensations of the way I loved him and the way he knew, before I was dressed the part, that I was a lady, and that I should always drink like one. My eyes will flash with the sparkling memory of the way he poured the multi-colored nectars, holding the bottle carefully with both hands.

My name is Linda, and I love Andrew. And he loves me.

On with it.

Sunday, August 26, 2001

Mark seems concerned that I degrade the fab five too much....he's trying to convince me that since I say shit about them, that means I don't really love them, not the way I should. I understand the error I've made that caused him to think see, I never say anything bad about anyone other than the fab five on here, mostly because they're the only ones I care about enough to really hurt me, so I'm more sensitive when it comes to them. But, hey, we don't want to inconvenience mark. So, from here on out, I'm saying shit about all my friends on here.

Hey, here's an idea- to make Mark feel better, LET'S START WITH HIM.

Here's the conversation I've just had with him:

FieryGwenivere: still alive?
Mark: I hate seeing you as broken as you are. and knowing that I'm not someone you're going to talk to anymore isn't helping it either
FieryGwenivere: what the hell am I supposed to say?
Mark: things have degraded to a point where to learn anything about my best friend I have to look to the internet
FieryGwenivere: join the club
Mark: I'm not really sure why you bother with me.
FieryGwenivere: I don't talk to ANYONE anymore, okay? I post my shit online and hope that people keep themselves updated
FieryGwenivere: the fab five gets nothing out of me
FieryGwenivere: Nick might here a little from time to time, but it's mostly bitching about Andrew, and I know you don't want to hear about that
Mark: I'll listen to anything you have to say about him, I just need to know it's coming.
Mark: I've given you all I can give. I can't force you to accept me as a friend or a confidant. my hand is outstretched. it's up to you to take it. I love you first and foremost as a friend. all else comes second. it always has.
FieryGwenivere: babe, I don't talk to people
FieryGwenivere: that has nothign to do with you
Mark: I don't want you to feel like people don't care about you. I'm sure more people than just myself have more than a slight interest in you.
FieryGwenivere: I know that people care about me
FieryGwenivere: I just can't feel it
Mark: if you can't talk to people you can't, but I haven't seen you really try with me lately either.
FieryGwenivere: how would you know?
Mark: and you do feel it, that entry you wrote about love the other day is a testament to that
FieryGwenivere: ...which entry about love?
Mark: a few days back, the one about all kinds of love, the one with a mention of me.
FieryGwenivere: hold on
FieryGwenivere: okay, the whole point of that thing was talking about how I don't feel loved
FieryGwenivere: anymore
FieryGwenivere: go back and read it if you have to,
Mark: you don't know how to accept being loved.
FieryGwenivere: oh, do tell
Mark: can you honestly say you are at ease with love?
FieryGwenivere: .......I'm not at ease with anything
Mark: and I'm noticing that the people you love tend to stay on the fringes of your life. that even though they may love you they are on the outside
FieryGwenivere: ....that's not even remotely true
FieryGwenivere: I love emily, she's always there
FieryGwenivere: I love andrew, I see him all the time
FieryGwenivere: I love nick, I see him a lot
FieryGwenivere: I love Jeff, I've seen him every week up until recently
Mark: yet do you give as much to them as you really could?
FieryGwenivere: I give jeff EVERYTHING I AM
FieryGwenivere: aside from that....probably not. But I'd give them more if they were in Jeff's spot. they just aren't
FieryGwenivere: I do a hell of a lot for everyone
FieryGwenivere: I used to practically nurse jeremey to life three or four times a week
Mark: and lately he's been turning you away. haven't seen him recently, ditched the concert thing on you. must have hurt.
FieryGwenivere: what is your point?
Mark: that even though he seemingly is right there all the time perhaps it's not as close as the surface seems
Mark: you keep love at a bit of a distance
FieryGwenivere: no, Id on't
FieryGwenivere: I would give jeff all the time in the world, but he's got another life, so do I
Mark: you degrade em frequently online
Mark: and rich kid..... some of that stuff, ouch
FieryGwenivere: Emily knows I'd die for her
Mark: she may know it, but does she really know it? or feel it with all her heart?
Mark: I'd give my life for you in an instant. you know that but what does it mean?
FieryGwenivere: .......ask emily if she knows it. go ahead.
Mark: no one ever truly knows it. not with all their being. we all keep love a little off to the side. it keeps us safer than we would otherwise be.
FieryGwenivere: then WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR POINT?
Mark: well, you do seem perfectly capable of talking about your life.
FieryGwenivere: ...what?
Mark: you realize this entire time we've been talking about your life, the connections within it, and the emotions therein.
FieryGwenivere: hahahahahhahaha! You are such a flaming idiot!
FieryGwenivere: you went through that whole thing, realized you had no point, and tried to make it look like a trick so that you wouldnt' come out seeming as dumb as you are
Mark: you can believe what you want. you said earlier you didn't talk to people anymore yet that's what you've been doing
FieryGwenivere: I can talk about my life, I just DON"T because I realized I was sick and tired of hearing my own voice bitch, a realization that SOME PEOPLE should work a lot harder at getting to. So I got back into writing, put it online, and now I can let all my friends in at the same time and not have to worry about them having to hear anything they don't want to. I could tell you a whole shitload of stuff, but I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to, because all it's going to do is give you yet another oppurtunity to play the hero as if I still need one, which I don't. All it's going to do is let you show me that you're still there to be whatever I need or even want a little so that you can continue believing that if you keep treating me real well, we'll be magically back together. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
FieryGwenivere: I don't talk about shit because once I write it, it's either resolved or it's something I want to deal with in my own way. And when my own way involves you or anyone else, I let you or anyone else know about it
Mark: you know something girl, lately my thoughts have been places other than you. it's not about getting you back. if you can't hack someone being a friend that's your problem
Mark: I don't do anything for you I haven't done for my other friends
FieryGwenivere: Maybe they want it, but all you've done right now is tried to convince me that I don't love the five most important people in my life as much as I do. If that's how you help your "Friends", it's a small wonder that you're constantly telling me I
FieryGwenivere: m your only one
Mark: you're the only one I feel completely at home with. I have other friends. others I've done more for than I have for you but you've been the safe haven for me. especially when I"m home
FieryGwenivere: fine.
FieryGwenivere: Don't you EVER insinuate that jeff isn't the amazing person that he is, EVER. He has done more for me than anyone, simply because I believe in him the way I believe in no one else, and if you ever so much as say his name with the wrong expression on your fucking face, I will rip you a new asshole, and it won't be online next time. I love him more than anything.
Mark: at any rate I'm leaving. I'm tired of this.
Mark signed off at 11:54:43 PM.

Not enough degradation in there for ya? Want to see more....ah, fuck, no point, I'm too tired, and he's probably already crying.

My name is Linda, and you NEVER want to say anything remotely insulting about the fab five or what I'd give for them to me. I'll make you regret it. On with it.