Saturday, January 26, 2002

The "Movie Slums of Beverly Hills" depresses me profoundly.

There's a reason I use the word "profoundly" there. I was watching the movie, and at first it entertained me. It was funny and interesting and amusing, overall. Then all these bad things started to happen to the protagonist, Vivian, and I started to become depressed for her. I don't want to give away the movie, but I felt I could relate with a lot of the issues that she was going through- except for the fact that a major aspect of the movie was their nomatic lifestyle due to lack of monetary resources. That bothered her a lot, and I pitied her. And was, in general, depressed.

But at the end of the movie- and don't read this if you plan to see it (though it's not really a plot thing), she starts talking about how her family is the important thing, and they'll survive as long as their together. How she thought the good life was outside of her fathers car, but she realized that it was inside of it- with them. And I looked around and realized that I am not a nomad, that I have a beautiful house I've lived in all my life....but that I am confined to the rooms of it that my family isn't in so that I do not have to deal with them.

That depressed me profoundly.

Overall though, it was a good movie. Rent it.

This weeks rentals were that, EDTV that Jenn and I watched together, and Man on the Moon, that Jenn and I plan to watch together. So, unless Jenn is home and planless, I no longer have a rental to watch. And my room does not have cable. And I'm sick of the internet, and most of my family is home.

Looks like it's an optimum time to finish the class act or start my college essays.

Ye-up. Not gonna happen.

On with it.
Didn't update yesterday- busy. Going to portland today with Ryan and Amber. And when I come home, I should really finish the class act and/or start working on my college ap essays.

So there won't be much update-age this weekend. But once the act is written and the applications are sent, I will return in all my charming glory.

Ha HA!

On with it.

Thursday, January 24, 2002

"I've got a lot to lose
And I'm bettin' high
So I'm begging you-
Before it ends,
Just tell me where to begin."
~Fiona Apple

Checking my site, as is pretty normal, for such info as which day it was that I rented my movies- I never get those little facts straight.

*Smiles* Ah, shit, seems I got four movies worth of one day late fees.

*Worries* Wish I had the money to pay for that.

Ah vell. More from Linda's savings account. I, yeah, should really think about getting a job.

Sam e-mailed me and thanked me for writing good stuff about Ties Of Seven on the site. This being the only non-commercial, non-utilitarian e-mail I've gotten today, it makes me feel good. Sam's cooler shit than I had previously assessed him to be. Go, Sam! Go, Ties of Seven! Go...everyone else!

I'm going to start trying to figure out the intricacies of my movie-returning dilemna. I'll let you know how it plays out.

On with it.

Wednesday, January 23, 2002

Well, sucks that they couldn't stay longer, but it was nice having Nick and Chad over. I definitely miss having people to insult, beat up, mess with the hair with and then end up using as a pillow for however long- guys, that is- when they aren't around. Females tend to severely underrated males. Or overrate them.

But under or over appreciated, Chad definitely blew all other nominations for "Most Relaxing Moment of the Week" out of the water- he has hands that can linger over the very tip of my nose. For those of you who don't understand the importance of this, it's tremendous- it's very, very, VERY rare that anyone is allowed to touch the tip of my nose. If I'm in a certain mood, once in a while it's okay, but, yeah, that's not something you want to test- I tweak out on people who touch the tip of my nose. It drives me INSANE for some reason. Most of the time, I can't even touch it without freaking out. But Chad's skin is as soft as Austin's, and he's very...gentle, I guess is the word. Lying somewhat perpendiculer to Nick and him with his fingers tracing circles on the tip of my was a good feeling. I was totally at ease.

People are what make life livable, and in some cases, worth it.

Living from moment to moment,

On with it.
So I'm trying to call Nick to ask him if Chad gave him any idea at all as to what time they're supposed to be heading down here- gneerally, I don't need it but my mom's making me go *gulp* driving for like a half hour and I have to make sure that at least one of them is aware of the fact taht whenever they did, in fact leave, I would be home by the time they got here. This may very easily be all for naught, because it's entirely likely that they aren't showing up for a few hours.

I'm not sure, however, if I remember Nick's number and the one I've been trying is busy. I suppose I could call chad, but, yeah.....I'm not used to that (she said, revealing her lack of backbone.

Hmmm...Nick's mom is named Linda (she said, looking up the number) and I got the right number. I guess I could just leave instructions with tony that, if they call, they are to be told how shortly I will be returning.

Me and my "problems".

My second big issue of the the day? There simply is NOT enough to drink around here that isn't caffeinated.

Forsooth! My life is a tradgedy!

~*On with it!*~

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

Did I mention y'all should e-mail me? It's been a while since I've gotten e-mails from anyone at all other than Jeff or Mitch.

I need to bathe and then lock myself in my room and listen to my Tragic Kingdom tape really really loud and thrash around. It's been a hard day. Aren't they fucking all?

I've officially decided to quit caffeine at the advice of Bobby, Jeff, and unwittingly Serena- apparently Bobby got the same chest pains I've been randomly getting just before he quit. And Serena, having been recently diagnosed with heart palpations- whatever those are- is no longer allowed to have caffeine, which would suggest that the two are related, though I didn't really talk to her about it.

This sucks, but I'd like to get rid of my chest pains before they get as bad as Bobby described his. Or before I have to wear a little heart-recording thingy like Serena. My biggest reason for quitting, however, is the fact that I no longer want to be tired all the damn time. Jeff seems to think my obsessive intake of caffeine may have something to do with it.

And I've just now realized, I constantly blog in full block. Interesting.

As if the caffeine revelation weren't enough of a self-improvement to take on for one year, Katie and I officially have a bet going to see who can lose the most weight (technically body fat percentage, just so you know it's not a bulimia race) by May 1st. This, for me, will involve exercising somewhat more regularly than I have been, not licking the grease from the turkey bacon grease (and maybe cutting my daily intake in half...though it's not damned likely) and buying Katie a lot of chocolate. The bet is only for 25 dollars and the point of the whole thing is so we each are motivated to get in shape, but so much for good-natured competition- I play dirty.

Either way, if I can stick to both of my resolutions, my life should improve- I will have, hopefully, more energy, more motivation, and, most importantly, a damned ass. I want to find my ass. I will find my ass. Down with the non-ass! And hey, getting through prom night without breaking a sweat would be pretty fucking cool, too. And with the twenty-five dollars katie will owe me, I can pay for some nice pictures of me and Elorza.

Various countdowns/countups, whatever:

Hours Linda has been Caffeine-free: Roughly 8 and a half
Days till prom: 101
Days till last day of school: I don't know, but it can't be that muchmore than 101
Days left to get her fucking New School application mailed: Like, 9...less, I don't know, talk to someone else
Essays to write for the fucking New School application: 2
Current body weight....hmmm, I'll post that after I bathe. Except that I really don't want to have to come back....I'm gonna guess, like, 140.
Number of motherfucking lemonades I had today: Two, damn it. Fucking lemonades!
Number of classes that Linda doesn't know if she has homework due in tomorrow: Sounds like it's two's lucky day.

Too...much...stress. I'd like to thank Bobby's knee for being my moment of relief today...oh, and Kim, for letting me listen to Spiderwebs on her CD player....just now realizing how intensely that song fucking rocks. Love ya, Kim! *Not that you read it*

Oh, yeah, and one more statistic:
Number of Olsen Twins that Jacquie (Who is white, just in case a *someone* wanted to know) and Linda are out to tatoo: Oh, look at that! Two again!

On with it!

Andrew reserved some time after quill today, but he kinda got cheated out of most of it- I realized I had a detention from long ago and far away that I had completely forgotten about and hence he and I were only afforded ten minutes. It was...interesting, anyway.

After he left, I strode purposefully- I describe it that way because that's what actually happened- to the lobby to see if Mitch was still in the building. He had detention with me, but we sat at opposite sides of the room. I went into his film class today, it being where poetry would have been once, and I didn't sit near him then, either. He wasn't there. I was profoundly upset by that.

It's funny how quickly people can become objects of motivation. It feels weird having gone the day- on a red day- without saying more than ten sentences to him.

This keyboard sucks- I'm still at school- and I need to call my mom and have her deliver some money for pizza we're getting in CRT- it's a late night tonight.

And besides, my arm hurts.

On with it.

Monday, January 21, 2002

So Jacquie pointed out today that the last ever episode of Daria was on and we both went to watch it in our respective homes- no more Daria, god, does that kill me.

In all the history of TV, or even real life, no first (and second) kiss has ever affected me the way the one between Daria and Tom did. I don't remember if it was Mark or Andrew who was over the first time me and Cathy witnessed that, but whichever it was witnessed me and her totally go into hysterics over it- we were hugging and jumping up and down and everything. It's continued to excite me to no end every time I've seen it since- they showed a clip of it tonight and I literally screamed, and then did that little girlish hand thing where one clamps there hands into fists and does...what I suppose is pretty much a jerk off motion with their arms....hmmm. Either way. The end of Daria....that marks a milestone in my life.

Thank you, Jacquie, fellow crusader of the Anti-Olson Movement.

On with it! would seem that my website is just randomly leaving entries out. Let me try this again....

This is a test, this is only a test...

On with it.
I'm loving the Les Mis soundtrack- Em just brought it over for me to burn, and I burned some of her Melissa Etheridge CDs for Floyd.

"I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed."

Yeah, that's about right.

I e-mailed Mitch with some of the things I've been going through....he can relate. I'm glad. I need someone new who can relate.

"Don't they know they're making love
To one already dead?"


"And must my name, until I die
Be no more than an alibi?"

Mark has just said that this is one of the greatest musicals ever written because people delight in other people's suffering. I told him that people want to know that other's feel the same pain that they do, it's comforting. And beautiful.

My parents or someone has rented America's Sweethearts and it's sitting on the coffee table downstairs. As much as I want to sit around and listen to the entire soundtrack and just marinate myself in depression, I've wanted to see America's Sweethearts for a while.

And eating would be good.

On with it.
Jeff just left. Things were sort of weird for me tonight. I didn't feel capable of the elation he normally gives me.

Something's wrong, I just don't know if I know what. For sure.

It feels that a lot more than just one thing is...hell, maybe it's PMS. I wouldn't be surprised.

I'm too tired to think about it.

Nick was over today....we had fun but, again, not as much as normal. We were sort of without subject matter, and he wasn't really here for that long, I guess. Like 6 and a half hours...but I spent a great deal of that time just waking up, then some of it bathing, then we spent most of it on the computer together, doing fairly seperate things while next to each other.

Whatever, it works for us.

Mark came over, too, to drop off a CD he burned for me. I made sure to usher him out before Jeff came to pick me up and drive Nick home, but I didn't do as good a job as not letting on that I was going to Jeff's as I would have liked to.

My dad was just really really bitchy to Jeff and I- not his normal awkward bumbling self at all. He made it very clear that he wanted Jeff to go as soon as possible- he said it was because "no one was feeling too well here". After Jeff and I did our little doorside goodnight ritual, he left and I went to watch his car drive away and noticed Tony, in Cathy's room, kneeling by her, in bed. These things put together leads me to believe that perhaps there was some unpleasantness here tonight that I missed. I'll have to ask someone in the morning.

Which will involve -shudder- talking to one of them.

Em came home this weekend without a specific agenda planned. She told me to give her a call when I was free, but generally she just comes over from like 11 to whatever AM, which is the best time for the both of us, and I really can't call her at that point. Hence, I haven't seen her all the time she was up. I don't know what time she's leaving tomorrow, but hopefully I'll see her before she goes.

If you happen to read this Em, just come over (assuming it's past, like, at least 11:30). I'll keep myself free until at least 6 or so, when I presume you'll already be on a bus back.

It would suck not to see her tomorrow- people just ate up time with me this weekend like so many little piranas. Not a dull moment in Linda's life.

Oh, the irony.

On with it.

Sunday, January 20, 2002

Elorza and I just had one of the best online conversations we've had....well, in a really fucking long time. He made me cry, too, but that was, like, at the very beginning of the conversation. When he caught the little online indication of my mental state that no one else would know about. Tonight was good. And I wanted to go to bed at, like, 10.

He makes me happy.

My name is Linda and I am counting the days until prom. On with it.
Old conversations kill. "Don't read if you don't wanna cry again.htm" didn't work, and neither did the next ones I read, which were between me and Jeremey. At the end of one of them, he said "Sweet dreams, my Lin." and that almost destroyed me....but the moisture in my eyes just wouldn't get out. Then I read another one between me and...someone who is not Jeremey. I'm not going to mention who, because he comes out looking pretty bad in the section of the conversation I'm about to paste, and despite the feelings of bitterness and unrequite (I know it's not a word, but I wouldn't know how to make "unrequited" into a noun if you paid me) I'm feeling right now, he deserves better than the infamy of things he said once.

Me: whatever.
Him: that's right
Me: oh, I take that (word) back, you'll point out how much I use it (as he did in an earlier part of the conversation)
Him: it's what I'm here for
Me: don't say that, eventually it will be too high of an expectation for you to live up to.
Him: it probably already is
Me: touché.
Me: people try to hard.
Him: or not at all
Me: the story of me and you.
Him: if you choose to read it that way
Me: you don't think that?
Him: I think too much
Me: don;t say that. it's in "if you're gone". If you're gone could kill me now. don't say anyhig at all from if you're gone.
Him: I'll do what i can
Me: liar.
Me: I should go.
Him: all right
Me: I shouldn't come back.
Him: if you like
Me: blocking you on CheapHydrox wouldn't do a thing, since I don't use it.
Him: either way, do what you like
Me: I love you.
Me: But...I don't know. Shit happens.
Him: yes it does
Me: and now your best defense is "do what you like"....
Him: it's no defense
Me: so I don't have much of a reason to hang around.
Him: I want you to do what you would like to do
Me: argument then. no, it's not that either.
Me: I don't LIKE doing this.
Him: doing what
Me: leaving, damn it.
Him: oh
Me: but you don't stop me.
Him: i don't try to force people to do things

Damn...that one hurt. But no tears.

I'm going to read a few more. I need to cry tonight.

I need a lot of things.
On with it.