Saturday, November 24, 2001

Watching Ally McBeal for the first time in a long time, there's a marathon.

There's like a 75% chance that my first orgasm will somehow be related to Pete's saxophone playing, if not Triangle Sleep in there full glory, but I gotta tell you- Robert Downey Junior's character gets me damned close.

I would so marry him in a heartbeat. Heroin and all.

(Hopefully I'll post more tonight, I know I've been lacking on this lately....)

On with it.

Monday, November 19, 2001

My driver's ed instructor said that we should not drive when we are feeling overly emotional, whether it's joy, anger, or desperation. I, right now, am fused with conflicting emotion, and it is to be my first time behind the wheel, ever.

To be on the safe side, I wanted you all to know, before I go, that I love you. And in case anything does, Em, could you tell him for me?

On with it.

Sunday, November 18, 2001

I have spent years of my life defending my school to outsiders, to my parents, to fellow students who hate it. I have gotten into fights with my friends defending other students I'm not even friends with and teachers who I think deserve the benefit of the doubt. I have praised the staff, the facilities, the student body and the atmosphere. I bought a Lisbon Jacket without any letter to decorate it with just so that I would be able to wear my school's name. I bought a class ring so that I could show others the way I feel about the people I've grown with I go out of my way to establish some sort of relationship with almost every teacher and students of every social standing. I have participated every year in winter carnival, almost every day of it, and urged others to do so as well. I've always known the value of school spirit, of making one's school some place they can feel comfortable and something they can hold close to them. I know what it is to love that place, so, having said all that, let me make one thing perfectly clear:

I now officially hate that place.

Don't take this lightly. I've put up with a lot of fucking shit from that place. I've loved it through being harassed, being dumped on, being suspended, being called a psycho, being flunked, being trashed, and being let slip through the cracks. I've let myself lose, to it, my innocence, my faith, my confidence, my confidant, my role models, all of my time and most of my patience. It's all gone now, I can't get it back. But I'm not going to let myself lose anythign else. They can't have it anymore.

I have just been informed, through unnamed sources, that above and beyond my classmates' distaste for me, staff members have been conspiring against me. I have been stigmatized by them, probably because of many things, but mostly because of what became of me after Mr. Ladd left...apparently certain teachers have warned certain other teachers not to get close to me because of that. Because they feel either they or I need protection from me. Because they've decided the best cure for pain is desertion. Because they've chosen to disown the concept that they are the people who are supposed to be helping me through these years. Because they are more concerned with staying disconnected and safe......with pushing me away and holding me back. With making sure that I don't become the next Columbine or they don't become the next Miss Galligan...or something.

They first started telling me I was crazy when I was in grade school, and they've been doing it all my life since then. But to know, now, that they're trying to take away from I'm sorry. No fucking more.

Lisbon High School has failed me in every way an institution can fail a student. I'm not giving them the chance to make up for lost time. Fuck it, fuck them, fuck education. I'm gonna go out in the world and become a SID-ridden crackwhore on the side of the street and do it in my LHS jacket. They don't deserve another Stephen King in me.

On with it.