10 Surefire Ways to Lose Weight in the New Year!
10. Give Birth.
9. Adopt a Roundworm.
8. Get sent to a third-world Jail.
7. Shave your head and cut your nails.
6. Stick to the food groups: Dairy, Protein, Wheats, Fruits and Exlax.
5. Become addicted to crack.
4. Contract oral herpes to render eating uncomfortable.
3. Cut off a limb.
2. Get AIDS, MS, or Cancer.
On with it.