Technology has brought me into an age where love letters are intangible traces of information in a cold, wiry highway, without the advantages of hand writing or just a subtle wisp of scent...and yet still his words, electronically displayed though they may be, have every bit as much affect on me as I can imagine my ancestor's had on each other...except alive and immortal.
Tonight is New Years eve, and I am about to log off to go and make my plans- don't know what they are yet, but damn it, they'll be something! So let's post my resolutions and refrain from making some cynical comment about the likelihood that I'll mess than up- at least one is too important to not believe in, at least for tonight.
I will be published this year- a magazine or an important website or something, and I will get in better shape than I am now- I want to discover two different three-letter a_s words on my body. Those are the first two...the third....starting at midnight tonight, I will do everything in my power not to fuck this relationship up, to make it work as long and as healthfully as I possibly can.
On January first, 2002, the year I am to graduate and start the second chapter of my life, I have been left with relatively little to believe in. Let's raise a glass of sparkling cider, or coke at least, to those beliefs, and the upkeep of them.
Let's see if I can survive another, eh? Keep tabs on me, readers- it shall continue to be....well, as exciting a ride as it ever was.
Yes, I'm well aware how very little that's actually saying. Screw you too.
On with it!
Monday, December 31, 2001
"I'm going to Chads for New Years Eve, and I have no idea how that will be. Stressful is my guess, but Eustress or Distress is the big question.
Meh."
Ben posted that on his blog tonight. Two things about that delight me- his use of the words "Eustress" and "Distress"- two things you NEVER hear anyone distinguish between, and his use of MY word, "Meh". It's been a while since I've heard other people using that.
Ben's the greatest, when was the last time I pointed that out? *Sigh*
On with it.
Meh."
Ben posted that on his blog tonight. Two things about that delight me- his use of the words "Eustress" and "Distress"- two things you NEVER hear anyone distinguish between, and his use of MY word, "Meh". It's been a while since I've heard other people using that.
Ben's the greatest, when was the last time I pointed that out? *Sigh*
On with it.
The idea that there's anything at all in life that I have to keep from him kills me- I wish I could show him everything. Forever.
Tonight was the first night, since we've been together- a month today (technically yesterday, the thirtieth)- that we actually made a reference at all to the fact that in nine months, I'll be in...well, hopefully New York, if not, who knows? God, I don't ever want to think about the future. There really isn't any way at all we will survive it...unless I stay in Maine.
*Shudder*
He brought me a rose tonight, because he knew I needed it- needed him to be as amazing as he can be to save me from everything.
I wish I could show him everything and have the oppurtunity to be saved from it. Greg and I got into a fight yesterday night about the shit that, well, no one knows about. Except Ben and Greg......I don't want to fight with Greg, I don't want this good spell to be over. I'm not sorry that I got angry with him last night- on top of my being emotional and irrational, he said something really really fucking pissy. But it's not worth losing the friendship over- I may be afraid to ever really be angry at anyone again, now that I lost Jeremey over it. I might entirely lose my ability to push people to give me the treatment I deserve.
Not as bad as losing him. Or losing Matchbox Twenty- I strain to think how I'll be able to truly love them anymore. I loved them because of him and with him, and for him, maybe. He was so much of everything- things keep reminding me of him unintentionally.
Maybe the events the nameless events that conspire to be shit for me right now are being merciful- I seem to have shut off mourning the loss of Jeremey to brood over them. They've taken precedence in my mind and they're....slowly becoming easier than thinking about him was. Last night they weren't, surprisingly. So few things aren't. But I must stop making reference to these things, because inquiring minds want to know. And can't, as it happens. Tough luck.
I have an appointment with Mr. Ladd tomorrow at 11 that I forgot to let my mom know about- I'll have to write it on the message board in the kitchen and hope it's not a problem. I'm not going to put my energy into worrying about the likelihood that it is right now. Afterwards, I've yet to have any plans for New Years....though I think I may be doing something with Emily, who I think may be vaguely angry at me, from what she posted on her site tonight. Does "vaguely angry" work? I really don't think so.
And by the way- who the hell has split rock as their ISP? Because whoever they are, they seem to be my biggest fan.
*Sigh* He's been gone 25 minutes and I will go to bed missing him so badly I could die of it. But at least it feels good to need him this badly again....I'd been living without rather awfully well lately. Couldn't after tonight- not the way he was running his fingers over my cheek and looking into my eyes....clichés fucking rock when you act them out. I love him.
On with it.
Tonight was the first night, since we've been together- a month today (technically yesterday, the thirtieth)- that we actually made a reference at all to the fact that in nine months, I'll be in...well, hopefully New York, if not, who knows? God, I don't ever want to think about the future. There really isn't any way at all we will survive it...unless I stay in Maine.
*Shudder*
He brought me a rose tonight, because he knew I needed it- needed him to be as amazing as he can be to save me from everything.
I wish I could show him everything and have the oppurtunity to be saved from it. Greg and I got into a fight yesterday night about the shit that, well, no one knows about. Except Ben and Greg......I don't want to fight with Greg, I don't want this good spell to be over. I'm not sorry that I got angry with him last night- on top of my being emotional and irrational, he said something really really fucking pissy. But it's not worth losing the friendship over- I may be afraid to ever really be angry at anyone again, now that I lost Jeremey over it. I might entirely lose my ability to push people to give me the treatment I deserve.
Not as bad as losing him. Or losing Matchbox Twenty- I strain to think how I'll be able to truly love them anymore. I loved them because of him and with him, and for him, maybe. He was so much of everything- things keep reminding me of him unintentionally.
Maybe the events the nameless events that conspire to be shit for me right now are being merciful- I seem to have shut off mourning the loss of Jeremey to brood over them. They've taken precedence in my mind and they're....slowly becoming easier than thinking about him was. Last night they weren't, surprisingly. So few things aren't. But I must stop making reference to these things, because inquiring minds want to know. And can't, as it happens. Tough luck.
I have an appointment with Mr. Ladd tomorrow at 11 that I forgot to let my mom know about- I'll have to write it on the message board in the kitchen and hope it's not a problem. I'm not going to put my energy into worrying about the likelihood that it is right now. Afterwards, I've yet to have any plans for New Years....though I think I may be doing something with Emily, who I think may be vaguely angry at me, from what she posted on her site tonight. Does "vaguely angry" work? I really don't think so.
And by the way- who the hell has split rock as their ISP? Because whoever they are, they seem to be my biggest fan.
*Sigh* He's been gone 25 minutes and I will go to bed missing him so badly I could die of it. But at least it feels good to need him this badly again....I'd been living without rather awfully well lately. Couldn't after tonight- not the way he was running his fingers over my cheek and looking into my eyes....clichés fucking rock when you act them out. I love him.
On with it.
Sunday, December 30, 2001
I have joined the bravenet affliate service because Ben is smart enough to want to track his hits the same way I do- with bravenet, and signing him up means earning a dollar.
I can't actually get that dollar until I've earned, like, 19 more, though. So here's the deal- if you have a journal or a blog or any site online and you want to be able to track down who's been on your site as well as I can, click the link below:
Free Website Tools and Services
Once your own that page, go to "join now" and after you've signed up, go to the Hit counter section and create your own unique hit counter. And if you have any questions or problems at all, just ask me!
Amber, Nick- you two especially could use one of these!
On with it.
I can't actually get that dollar until I've earned, like, 19 more, though. So here's the deal- if you have a journal or a blog or any site online and you want to be able to track down who's been on your site as well as I can, click the link below:
Free Website Tools and Services
Once your own that page, go to "join now" and after you've signed up, go to the Hit counter section and create your own unique hit counter. And if you have any questions or problems at all, just ask me!
Amber, Nick- you two especially could use one of these!
On with it.
I meant to just be on for a few minutes and then go watch Forget Paris, but in trying to figure out javascript bullshit, I've wasted the past two hours unknowingly.
But, hey, look- my LINKS now get all big and shit. Isn't that impressive?
(Just so you know, that was only an example- it will only take you to Google)
Well, at least I can say I accomplished something today. *Stops for a moment to let the weight of the statement hit her*
*Sigh* I'm a sad, sick little thing.
"Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again. Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again. Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again. Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again. Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again."
No clue why I felt the urge to actually type that four times- not JUST copy and paste. Oh, these little earthquakes! Here we go again.
Hmmmm, my website is experiencing technical difficulties. And Jeff is apparently online. What amazing timing.
Ben: I can't wait until GWI gets DSL
FieryGwenivere: life sucks.
I'm so good with segways.
"Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn in
To something beautiful.
Do you know
For you I'd bleed myself dry."
~Cold Play, Yellow
Amber's site has reminded me of the fact that I hadn't heard that song for months, so I am now in the process of listening to it again and again.
Love songs kill today.
Jeff's coming in an hour two an hour and a half, and having only been awake for 3 hours prior to this, I've yet to bathe or change or make myself presentable at all.
My emoticons of happiness have no credibilty right now, except that everyone trusts emoticons. We forget sometimes that all it really takes to make them is the extension of one's fingers over the colon and the close parantheses. Watch, I'll show you.
Hey. This is Linda. :-)
Doesn't that line sort of give the impression that I'm okay? Good even? Here's news for you-
I'm not.
:-(
Oh yeah, work it baby. (No clue......lucidity escapes me.)
So it would appear that with the help of emoticons, I can lie without even having to say anything! God Bless Technology!
:o) On with it!!!!! :o)
But, hey, look- my LINKS now get all big and shit. Isn't that impressive?
(Just so you know, that was only an example- it will only take you to Google)
Well, at least I can say I accomplished something today. *Stops for a moment to let the weight of the statement hit her*
*Sigh* I'm a sad, sick little thing.
"Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again. Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again. Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again. Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again. Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again."
No clue why I felt the urge to actually type that four times- not JUST copy and paste. Oh, these little earthquakes! Here we go again.
Hmmmm, my website is experiencing technical difficulties. And Jeff is apparently online. What amazing timing.
Ben: I can't wait until GWI gets DSL
FieryGwenivere: life sucks.
I'm so good with segways.
"Your skin,
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn in
To something beautiful.
Do you know
For you I'd bleed myself dry."
~Cold Play, Yellow
Amber's site has reminded me of the fact that I hadn't heard that song for months, so I am now in the process of listening to it again and again.
Love songs kill today.
Jeff's coming in an hour two an hour and a half, and having only been awake for 3 hours prior to this, I've yet to bathe or change or make myself presentable at all.
My emoticons of happiness have no credibilty right now, except that everyone trusts emoticons. We forget sometimes that all it really takes to make them is the extension of one's fingers over the colon and the close parantheses. Watch, I'll show you.
Hey. This is Linda. :-)
Doesn't that line sort of give the impression that I'm okay? Good even? Here's news for you-
I'm not.
:-(
Oh yeah, work it baby. (No clue......lucidity escapes me.)
So it would appear that with the help of emoticons, I can lie without even having to say anything! God Bless Technology!
:o) On with it!!!!! :o)
You know, tonight would have been so much goddamned fun. I wouldn't have had a care in the world. I would have successfully put away every thought of certain unpleasantries and life would have been great. Just three kids galavanting through the city at night, going the wrong way down one way streets and making fun of the potheads.
But I haven't changed one fucking bit and I never fucking will.
On with it.
But I haven't changed one fucking bit and I never fucking will.
On with it.
Saturday, December 29, 2001
"So you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon.
How's that thought for ya?"
~Tori Amos
FINALLY bleeding, you can't imagine the relief. (For all of you who didn't need to know that- if you want impersonal, try some other bullshit journal. THIS bullshit journal talks about my menstral cycle, alright?)
Yesterday was good.....between hanging out with Ben and Nick for the first time in forever and going over to Jeff's, it would have been amazing, but, of course, there had to come that moment of breaking down just before I had to leave Jeff's when I felt the full weight of reality crash into me once again and drive me to tears in his arms.
At least it was in his arms. Beats the hell out of crying in the dark, in my room, alone, listening to whatever depressing CD I put on that day and feeling the tears fall into my ears pointlessly- over and over again. God, only a teenager would brag about that kind of crap.
"YEAH??? WELL I'M TWICE AS MISERABLE AS YOU ARE!!!!"
Let's get real- It's bragging. It's all about impressing people with the INSANE amounts of pity. It's an ego-trip. It's a fucking badge. And I'm young, dumb, and hormonal, so screw you- I like it this way.
So, quick review of today- woke up insanely early, got learner's permit, bought attena for TV, went to Moody's diner and camden with ryan, now going to pick up Ben and going with both of them to portland. And I'm off.
On with it!
What's so amazing about really deep thoughts?
Boy, you best pray that I bleed real soon.
How's that thought for ya?"
~Tori Amos
FINALLY bleeding, you can't imagine the relief. (For all of you who didn't need to know that- if you want impersonal, try some other bullshit journal. THIS bullshit journal talks about my menstral cycle, alright?)
Yesterday was good.....between hanging out with Ben and Nick for the first time in forever and going over to Jeff's, it would have been amazing, but, of course, there had to come that moment of breaking down just before I had to leave Jeff's when I felt the full weight of reality crash into me once again and drive me to tears in his arms.
At least it was in his arms. Beats the hell out of crying in the dark, in my room, alone, listening to whatever depressing CD I put on that day and feeling the tears fall into my ears pointlessly- over and over again. God, only a teenager would brag about that kind of crap.
"YEAH??? WELL I'M TWICE AS MISERABLE AS YOU ARE!!!!"
Let's get real- It's bragging. It's all about impressing people with the INSANE amounts of pity. It's an ego-trip. It's a fucking badge. And I'm young, dumb, and hormonal, so screw you- I like it this way.
So, quick review of today- woke up insanely early, got learner's permit, bought attena for TV, went to Moody's diner and camden with ryan, now going to pick up Ben and going with both of them to portland. And I'm off.
On with it!
Thursday, December 27, 2001
"Wake up, the house is on fire
And the cat's caught in the dryer
Philosophy's a liar
When your home is your headstone."
~Green Day, Deadbeat Holiday
Mark got me Green Day's Warning: for Christmas and I think it's my favorite gift this year. It's awesome.
My cuticles need softening....it's been a while, I seem to have lost the infamous cuticle softening stick. Wonder if Mitch still has the one I got him. (Very, very doubtful)
I need to call ryayn. She called while I was still sleeping- I've only been up for an hour, I took a shower and now am ready to call her. So that I will do!
On with it.
And the cat's caught in the dryer
Philosophy's a liar
When your home is your headstone."
~Green Day, Deadbeat Holiday
Mark got me Green Day's Warning: for Christmas and I think it's my favorite gift this year. It's awesome.
My cuticles need softening....it's been a while, I seem to have lost the infamous cuticle softening stick. Wonder if Mitch still has the one I got him. (Very, very doubtful)
I need to call ryayn. She called while I was still sleeping- I've only been up for an hour, I took a shower and now am ready to call her. So that I will do!
On with it.
Word of the Day: Flowy. Adjective. "Of or relating to a flow." Slang. Not a word. Never was one.
Perhaps it's the widely anticipated onset of PMS, or perhaps the late hour, or perhaps just my mood, but Amber's usage of this word earlier to night rubbed me the wrong way. Flowy? What the fuck is with that?
Because I do so love parading my intelligence and that of my friends, I shall now copy this conversation of immense disinterest for all of you. Bon appétit!
FieryGwenivere: tell me, what's your reaction to this:
FieryGwenivere: FieryGwenivere: sweetie, no- the saxophonist, piece, and pretty are all oral poetry
FieryGwenivere: And...what else have you seen?
Amber: I dunno...I find them very flowy when I read them...
FieryGwenivere: and words like "flowy" are exactly why I'm a senior-year writer and you're a sophomore-year writer ;-)
Amber: LOL...Linda...please.
Amber: I may not be a very good writer, but don't insult my vocabulary.
FieryGwenivere: Either way, though.....the only place I could really be published is a magazine and the poems you've read aren't exactly magazine poetry
FieryGwenivere: flowy?
FieryGwenivere: try flowing, dear
FieryGwenivere: I was messing with you, clearly you have an advanced vocabulary
FieryGwenivere: but flowy????
Amber: No...
Amber: It was an adjective.
FieryGwenivere: flowing is an adjective
Amber: It's actually slang...
Greg: hmm... flowy... adverb, maybe?
Greg: i knew you when you were a sophomore writer
FieryGwenivere: you did indeed....this isn't my point, though
FieryGwenivere: firstly, the adverb would be "flowingly"
Greg: yes
FieryGwenivere: she's trying to tell me my poetry flows
FieryGwenivere: so it's flowing poetry......not flowy!
Greg: but... i take an approach to language that admits any and all words, even if i don't like them
FieryGwenivere: yes, well, so do I
FieryGwenivere: but flowy isn't a word
Greg: ahah!
Greg: but it might be someday
Greg: and that's the point
FieryGwenivere: no! no it will not!
Greg: it will if enough people say it
FieryGwenivere: I will shoot webster before that happens!
Greg: linguistic rules are nothing but the majority opinion
FieryGwenivere: Then it is my sole duty to stop them!
Greg: stop the onward march of language?
Greg: here's a seminal example of my point: the split infinitive
FieryGwenivere: Stop the poisoned decay of it!
Greg: no such thing
Greg: the split infitive, though:
FieryGwenivere: I tend to disagree
Greg: why is it incorrect?
Greg: because in latin, the infinitive was one solid word, and thus unsplittable
FieryGwenivere: because smug, pretentious bastards say it is
Greg: one grammatical book in the 1700s? said it was, and it stuck
Greg: and so today it is a grammatical rule whcih we must follow, if we're to appear to be people folllowing grammatical rules
Greg: there's no reason why we can't have split infinitives
FieryGwenivere: And there's no reason why we can't all just walk around making up our own languages and having absolutely no idea what anyone else on the earth is attempting to say
Greg: but nevertheless, if i'm writing a formal paper, to callously split an infinitive just would not be done
Greg: well, there is and we do
FieryGwenivere: :-) as you did just then
Greg: teehee
Greg: but you see, that's the only reason we follow rules, so people will be assured to understand us
Greg: but, in the context of your conversation, it was assured that you knew what flowy meant
Greg: so she didn't worry about it
FieryGwenivere: Yes, it means FLOWING
Greg: doesn't matter much, does it?
Greg: you know, she knows
Greg: and that is the only thing that matters, isn't it?
FieryGwenivere: it's heinous, though- as a writer, she should have enough of a love of words to not use something that's such an insult to the english language!
Greg: how is it such an insult?
Greg: it simply adds a different shade of meaning
Greg: any addition, in my opinion, enriches language
Greg: flowy vs. flowing: i can detect subtle difference
FieryGwenivere: it's skin-crawling. It's a completely disregard of the REAL word that actually means what she's looking for
Greg: flowy, for one thing, doesn't flow as well
Greg: complete
Greg: you're walking down a slippery slope
FieryGwenivere: thank you
Greg: (sliperring?)
Greg: it's just a matter of getting points acros
Greg: s
FieryGwenivere: (slippery...jerk :-))
Greg: right
Greg: linguistic obstinance does not become you, and that's my final word
FieryGwenivere: no, it's not.......you can't just go around making up your own words in lieu of learning the ones that exist
Greg: because the tylenol pm is kicking in ,a dn i actually have to get up
Greg: you can and you can't
Greg: when you're dealing with language, you're dealing with compromise
FieryGwenivere: In no way! you just said that to sound smart.
Greg: for her to say flowing might be false
FieryGwenivere: it worked, of course
FieryGwenivere: and you know why?
Greg: why?
FieryGwenivere: because you used ALL REAL WORDS
Greg: yes, to sound smart
Greg: one can't always be trying to sound smart
Greg: there are terms describing people like that, and most of them involved things shoved up asses
Greg: involve
FieryGwenivere: you're right....but one should strive not to sound like someone who would use the word "flowy"
Greg: says you
Greg: but you're bitchy
Greg: ;-)
Greg: (bitchous, bitch-like, bitching...)
FieryGwenivere: I am, yes, but you're on tylenol PM and that's clearly the only reason you don't agree with me ;-)
FieryGwenivere: (Bitch-irific)
Greg: whatever soothes your verbally fascistic little heart
Greg: to sleep
Greg: you shouold talk to my mom, we had a great argument over this once that devolved completely into me screaming "Nazi! Nazi! Nazi!"
FieryGwenivere: indeed.....I shall live without your charming split infinitives for another night
Greg: yes, and i'll take this occasion to charmingly split
Greg: adieu, mon amour
FieryGwenivere: bonne soir, mon amié
Nothing today has thrilled me more than his lovely little use of double entendre there...Unless you count yesterday as today because I've yet to actually go to bed. In which case, I saw the Majestic today with Mark and Jenn, and inadvertantly with Bobby and Serena, and it was such a wonderful movie.....in the scene at the end, he shouts "the bill of rights" at one point in this little speech and it sent shivers through my body the way he did it. It was very much a feel-good flick.
Amber, Greg, and all others I was arguing with tonight have gone to bed, so I am off to join them in dreamland. To charmingly split.
To sleepily go on with it!
Perhaps it's the widely anticipated onset of PMS, or perhaps the late hour, or perhaps just my mood, but Amber's usage of this word earlier to night rubbed me the wrong way. Flowy? What the fuck is with that?
Because I do so love parading my intelligence and that of my friends, I shall now copy this conversation of immense disinterest for all of you. Bon appétit!
FieryGwenivere: tell me, what's your reaction to this:
FieryGwenivere: FieryGwenivere: sweetie, no- the saxophonist, piece, and pretty are all oral poetry
FieryGwenivere: And...what else have you seen?
Amber: I dunno...I find them very flowy when I read them...
FieryGwenivere: and words like "flowy" are exactly why I'm a senior-year writer and you're a sophomore-year writer ;-)
Amber: LOL...Linda...please.
Amber: I may not be a very good writer, but don't insult my vocabulary.
FieryGwenivere: Either way, though.....the only place I could really be published is a magazine and the poems you've read aren't exactly magazine poetry
FieryGwenivere: flowy?
FieryGwenivere: try flowing, dear
FieryGwenivere: I was messing with you, clearly you have an advanced vocabulary
FieryGwenivere: but flowy????
Amber: No...
Amber: It was an adjective.
FieryGwenivere: flowing is an adjective
Amber: It's actually slang...
Greg: hmm... flowy... adverb, maybe?
Greg: i knew you when you were a sophomore writer
FieryGwenivere: you did indeed....this isn't my point, though
FieryGwenivere: firstly, the adverb would be "flowingly"
Greg: yes
FieryGwenivere: she's trying to tell me my poetry flows
FieryGwenivere: so it's flowing poetry......not flowy!
Greg: but... i take an approach to language that admits any and all words, even if i don't like them
FieryGwenivere: yes, well, so do I
FieryGwenivere: but flowy isn't a word
Greg: ahah!
Greg: but it might be someday
Greg: and that's the point
FieryGwenivere: no! no it will not!
Greg: it will if enough people say it
FieryGwenivere: I will shoot webster before that happens!
Greg: linguistic rules are nothing but the majority opinion
FieryGwenivere: Then it is my sole duty to stop them!
Greg: stop the onward march of language?
Greg: here's a seminal example of my point: the split infinitive
FieryGwenivere: Stop the poisoned decay of it!
Greg: no such thing
Greg: the split infitive, though:
FieryGwenivere: I tend to disagree
Greg: why is it incorrect?
Greg: because in latin, the infinitive was one solid word, and thus unsplittable
FieryGwenivere: because smug, pretentious bastards say it is
Greg: one grammatical book in the 1700s? said it was, and it stuck
Greg: and so today it is a grammatical rule whcih we must follow, if we're to appear to be people folllowing grammatical rules
Greg: there's no reason why we can't have split infinitives
FieryGwenivere: And there's no reason why we can't all just walk around making up our own languages and having absolutely no idea what anyone else on the earth is attempting to say
Greg: but nevertheless, if i'm writing a formal paper, to callously split an infinitive just would not be done
Greg: well, there is and we do
FieryGwenivere: :-) as you did just then
Greg: teehee
Greg: but you see, that's the only reason we follow rules, so people will be assured to understand us
Greg: but, in the context of your conversation, it was assured that you knew what flowy meant
Greg: so she didn't worry about it
FieryGwenivere: Yes, it means FLOWING
Greg: doesn't matter much, does it?
Greg: you know, she knows
Greg: and that is the only thing that matters, isn't it?
FieryGwenivere: it's heinous, though- as a writer, she should have enough of a love of words to not use something that's such an insult to the english language!
Greg: how is it such an insult?
Greg: it simply adds a different shade of meaning
Greg: any addition, in my opinion, enriches language
Greg: flowy vs. flowing: i can detect subtle difference
FieryGwenivere: it's skin-crawling. It's a completely disregard of the REAL word that actually means what she's looking for
Greg: flowy, for one thing, doesn't flow as well
Greg: complete
Greg: you're walking down a slippery slope
FieryGwenivere: thank you
Greg: (sliperring?)
Greg: it's just a matter of getting points acros
Greg: s
FieryGwenivere: (slippery...jerk :-))
Greg: right
Greg: linguistic obstinance does not become you, and that's my final word
FieryGwenivere: no, it's not.......you can't just go around making up your own words in lieu of learning the ones that exist
Greg: because the tylenol pm is kicking in ,a dn i actually have to get up
Greg: you can and you can't
Greg: when you're dealing with language, you're dealing with compromise
FieryGwenivere: In no way! you just said that to sound smart.
Greg: for her to say flowing might be false
FieryGwenivere: it worked, of course
FieryGwenivere: and you know why?
Greg: why?
FieryGwenivere: because you used ALL REAL WORDS
Greg: yes, to sound smart
Greg: one can't always be trying to sound smart
Greg: there are terms describing people like that, and most of them involved things shoved up asses
Greg: involve
FieryGwenivere: you're right....but one should strive not to sound like someone who would use the word "flowy"
Greg: says you
Greg: but you're bitchy
Greg: ;-)
Greg: (bitchous, bitch-like, bitching...)
FieryGwenivere: I am, yes, but you're on tylenol PM and that's clearly the only reason you don't agree with me ;-)
FieryGwenivere: (Bitch-irific)
Greg: whatever soothes your verbally fascistic little heart
Greg: to sleep
Greg: you shouold talk to my mom, we had a great argument over this once that devolved completely into me screaming "Nazi! Nazi! Nazi!"
FieryGwenivere: indeed.....I shall live without your charming split infinitives for another night
Greg: yes, and i'll take this occasion to charmingly split
Greg: adieu, mon amour
FieryGwenivere: bonne soir, mon amié
Nothing today has thrilled me more than his lovely little use of double entendre there...Unless you count yesterday as today because I've yet to actually go to bed. In which case, I saw the Majestic today with Mark and Jenn, and inadvertantly with Bobby and Serena, and it was such a wonderful movie.....in the scene at the end, he shouts "the bill of rights" at one point in this little speech and it sent shivers through my body the way he did it. It was very much a feel-good flick.
Amber, Greg, and all others I was arguing with tonight have gone to bed, so I am off to join them in dreamland. To charmingly split.
To sleepily go on with it!
Wednesday, December 26, 2001
Greg and I frollicking in the throes of symbiance- we have fixed the night for each other once again with our mutual love for complements that flow like an endless supply of champagne, and sincerity like strawberries to bring out the wonderful flavors.
Damn, but how I love writers!
I think it would pretty much cheapen the purity and intensity of it all to share any of the conversation with a harsh mistress such as this page, but believe me when I say that he and I take turns blowing each other entirely away in whispering, other-wordly wordly winds.
Thank goodness for Vermont, Breadloaf, our hilltop, the library tables that were slick enough to slide a top of, and his chivalry and walking across the field with him and our shoes getting so damned wet, and waking up to him that morning. Thank goodness for old lovers becoming friends and old friends becoming lovers.
He mispelled my last name in his away message and I find it charming- from now on, you should all use three N's. On with it!
Damn, but how I love writers!
I think it would pretty much cheapen the purity and intensity of it all to share any of the conversation with a harsh mistress such as this page, but believe me when I say that he and I take turns blowing each other entirely away in whispering, other-wordly wordly winds.
Thank goodness for Vermont, Breadloaf, our hilltop, the library tables that were slick enough to slide a top of, and his chivalry and walking across the field with him and our shoes getting so damned wet, and waking up to him that morning. Thank goodness for old lovers becoming friends and old friends becoming lovers.
He mispelled my last name in his away message and I find it charming- from now on, you should all use three N's. On with it!
Tuesday, December 25, 2001
"And so stand stricken, so remembering him."
It's Christmas day, I have all I've been wishing for- a new TV, Jeff, in love with me as I am with him, the fortune of not having to have had to spend more than 5 minutes of the day so far with relatives. My proverbial treetops should be glistening in the december moonlight and my reindeer-red nose should be shining with glea. Jeff called me, that alone once would have me filled with joy unparalleled.
I need Jeremey.
Maybe it's just that I'm in a constant state of making myself miserable, lest I should stumble upon happiness and become weak. Maybe whenever I get everything I want in life, I find some way to lose some of it, or find need for something I don't have so that I can continue to write bullshit like this and feel accomplished when it piles up. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I need drugs, maybe I need hospitalization.
But it's Christmas day, and I've loved him my whole life. I feel like I did in eighth grade. I wish I had a middle school dance to go to so I could cry in the bathroom and feel like myself again. I wish I had a picture of him to stare at and think about how unlike a picture he is. "I wish I had a river to skate away on.
I made my baby say goodbye."
Joni Mitchell and I, and Edna St. Vincent Millay, and whoever wrote the song I'm listening to now ("If I could pray, my prayers would never end. But if you want me to beg, I'll fall down on my knees and ask you to come back, I'll be pleading you to come back, I beg for you to come back to me. Love has no pride when I call out your name, and love has no pride when there's no one but myself to blame, and I'd give anything to see you again.) should all.....go somewhere and be the worthless pile of bullshit artists that we are. We do nothing. We cry and beg and write poetry and music and let the people we love walk out of our lives again and again and again.
I would have done anything for him. The only thing I needed was for him to stay. Damn my pride for forgetting that for the one instant it took. Damn it all to hell.
Damn Christmas and New Years and Thanksgiving and turkey. Damn friends and family and lovers and things that signify pointlessness when added up into a huge equation that embodies everything except him. I have friends, I have family, I have Jeff, I have everything, but in the end it gets multiplied by the zero of him, and I end up with nothing.
And that's all my fault. On with it.
It's Christmas day, I have all I've been wishing for- a new TV, Jeff, in love with me as I am with him, the fortune of not having to have had to spend more than 5 minutes of the day so far with relatives. My proverbial treetops should be glistening in the december moonlight and my reindeer-red nose should be shining with glea. Jeff called me, that alone once would have me filled with joy unparalleled.
I need Jeremey.
Maybe it's just that I'm in a constant state of making myself miserable, lest I should stumble upon happiness and become weak. Maybe whenever I get everything I want in life, I find some way to lose some of it, or find need for something I don't have so that I can continue to write bullshit like this and feel accomplished when it piles up. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I need drugs, maybe I need hospitalization.
But it's Christmas day, and I've loved him my whole life. I feel like I did in eighth grade. I wish I had a middle school dance to go to so I could cry in the bathroom and feel like myself again. I wish I had a picture of him to stare at and think about how unlike a picture he is. "I wish I had a river to skate away on.
I made my baby say goodbye."
Joni Mitchell and I, and Edna St. Vincent Millay, and whoever wrote the song I'm listening to now ("If I could pray, my prayers would never end. But if you want me to beg, I'll fall down on my knees and ask you to come back, I'll be pleading you to come back, I beg for you to come back to me. Love has no pride when I call out your name, and love has no pride when there's no one but myself to blame, and I'd give anything to see you again.) should all.....go somewhere and be the worthless pile of bullshit artists that we are. We do nothing. We cry and beg and write poetry and music and let the people we love walk out of our lives again and again and again.
I would have done anything for him. The only thing I needed was for him to stay. Damn my pride for forgetting that for the one instant it took. Damn it all to hell.
Damn Christmas and New Years and Thanksgiving and turkey. Damn friends and family and lovers and things that signify pointlessness when added up into a huge equation that embodies everything except him. I have friends, I have family, I have Jeff, I have everything, but in the end it gets multiplied by the zero of him, and I end up with nothing.
And that's all my fault. On with it.
There's an article on compuserve attempting to convince me that they have found scientific proof that prayer works.
Silly scientists, Trix are for kids! (I haven't the slightest fucking clue why I felt compelled to write that despite my failute to find a witty spin to put on it, but I had to.)
I've just finished When Harry Met Sally and at this point, I honestly couldn't tell you whether or not my relatives are here. How marvelous. :-)
So yeah, if you've got nothing to do, call or come over or something. Hopelessly bored and about to start in on yet another movie. What do you think: Batman Forever, Drive Me Crazy, or the Blair Witch Project?
On with it.
Silly scientists, Trix are for kids! (I haven't the slightest fucking clue why I felt compelled to write that despite my failute to find a witty spin to put on it, but I had to.)
I've just finished When Harry Met Sally and at this point, I honestly couldn't tell you whether or not my relatives are here. How marvelous. :-)
So yeah, if you've got nothing to do, call or come over or something. Hopelessly bored and about to start in on yet another movie. What do you think: Batman Forever, Drive Me Crazy, or the Blair Witch Project?
On with it.
Ah, such a great movie.
Having spent the first three post-present-opening hours of the holiday contentedly in my room, I now look for new ways to avoid my family, especially the gaggle of Gorham-bred rednecks that are due in about an hour. This being the groupI have the most content for out of pretty much my entire extended family between the two ugly, nasal-voiced younger children, the two pissed-off, anti-social, slummier versions of me older children (who are infinitely more tolerabale than the others, but almost definitely will not be here), and the two slack-jawed yokel parents, I can pretty much assure you that I am in no way looking forward to this visit. I fully intend to spend as much of the holiday as possible barricaded in my room waiting for the oppurtunity to receive more gifts.
My flamboyantly gay uncle Raymond should be arriving soon, as well- he always gives the most entertaining presents, as at least 90% of his shopping is done 2 hours before stores close on christmas eve. At that point, he ditches any concept whatsoever of what we may actually want or what presents suit us- last year he gave me a 10 or 15 dollar gift certificate to L.L. Bean, of all places.(Because it's open all night- he did shopping last year midnight on christmas morning) The year before was the zenith of humor, though- he gave my mother her very own copy of The Blair Witch Project.
More later, if the hick children don't take over the computer upon their arrival. On with it.
Having spent the first three post-present-opening hours of the holiday contentedly in my room, I now look for new ways to avoid my family, especially the gaggle of Gorham-bred rednecks that are due in about an hour. This being the groupI have the most content for out of pretty much my entire extended family between the two ugly, nasal-voiced younger children, the two pissed-off, anti-social, slummier versions of me older children (who are infinitely more tolerabale than the others, but almost definitely will not be here), and the two slack-jawed yokel parents, I can pretty much assure you that I am in no way looking forward to this visit. I fully intend to spend as much of the holiday as possible barricaded in my room waiting for the oppurtunity to receive more gifts.
My flamboyantly gay uncle Raymond should be arriving soon, as well- he always gives the most entertaining presents, as at least 90% of his shopping is done 2 hours before stores close on christmas eve. At that point, he ditches any concept whatsoever of what we may actually want or what presents suit us- last year he gave me a 10 or 15 dollar gift certificate to L.L. Bean, of all places.(Because it's open all night- he did shopping last year midnight on christmas morning) The year before was the zenith of humor, though- he gave my mother her very own copy of The Blair Witch Project.
More later, if the hick children don't take over the computer upon their arrival. On with it.
From the comfort of my room, on my lover-ly brand new 19 inch color TV (as if anybrand-new TVs are still black and white), I have just watch America get it's red white and blue ass kicked. (To clarify for anyone who might think I'm making reference to yet another terrorist attack in the year 2001, I'm refering to the copy of Pearl Harbor I received this morning.
I'm about to watch the uplifting conclusion where we retaliate by bombing the shit out of some seemingly inconsequential Japanese factory, but I thought I'd check in in between tapes.
On with it.
I'm about to watch the uplifting conclusion where we retaliate by bombing the shit out of some seemingly inconsequential Japanese factory, but I thought I'd check in in between tapes.
On with it.
Monday, December 24, 2001
Having arrived home from gloucester at around 6, I spent the first part of the night trying to ditch the funk that's been following me around for a while and celebrate what I always considered to be the most magical night of the year, far more wonderful than Christmas. But I found that, when you're the only one doing it, trimming the Christmas tree is just another chore that requires a lot of walking. My family spread to seperate corners of the house to spend the holidays with their favorite appliances, and I decided to join up with the always emotionally there for me Ally McBeal. It left me wanting to cry again, as I have for the past few weeks.
I started thinking, once I got here, just enough to let me reach that goal.
Greg is wonderful, though, and is vying to make it better, and suceeding a little:
Greg: i recall that you do get deep into misery
Greg: which is something that i can never do much about
Greg: except to wish fervently that all of the magically shining jello of the world would collect itself into a pool in which we might swim together
Greg: which might cheer you up
FieryGwenivere: :-) you're so great
Greg: i don't know about that one... for all my wishing, jello doesn't shine and you're in maine
Greg: and besides which, do either of us have a pool to put it in?
Greg: no, hopelessly impractical
FieryGwenivere: Well, I think Jello shines
Greg: only with light
FieryGwenivere: then we shall wish for light, too
Greg: unlike a sparkling deity such as yourself
FieryGwenivere: and we can use someone else's pool
Greg: true, true, and pool's come with their own lights
FieryGwenivere: and, heh, you shoulda wished a few hours ago, I was in massachussetts
FieryGwenivere: but it doesn't matter...we'll wish to fly.
FieryGwenivere: and we'll both fly to vermont
Greg: now that sounds like a plan
Greg: to that field, for that matter
FieryGwenivere: our hilltop, yes
Greg: yes, our hilltop with our sky
FieryGwenivere: and our may....we'll make it may. I have no use for december right now
Greg: no, december has proved itself incapable even of providing fluffy snow
FieryGwenivere: not here
Greg: why not make it june? then we could sit out on the stars without sweatshirts
Greg: not here, either
FieryGwenivere: No, I mean there is snow here
Greg: ahh
Greg: well, that's one thing you have going
FieryGwenivere: and it WAS flufy, but it's harder and crunchier now
FieryGwenivere: And if we want it to be june, it's june. I just like the sound of may better.
Greg: fair enough
Greg: may, only a little bit warmer
FieryGwenivere: and we are sitting on adirondack chairs together and watching stars and reading poetry to each other again
FieryGwenivere: (only this time in a platonic enough way so that it wouldn't upset my guy.....imagine that, someone I have a problem with cheating on!)
Greg has recently done me the favor of changing the course of my life by finding me the perfect school for which to apply in his lovely city, New York. While Greg attends the fabulous NYU, I hope that in a year I'll be his neighbor at New School University. I am waiting with unprecedented impatience for my application kit to come in the mail. Though I should probably start working on my essays- how has my education so far prepared me for an education at Eugege Lang College (of new school university) and something about some soceital issue I'm involved in. Or something.
Greg tells me the school is unorthodox, and I fully intend to write the essays in such a way that only an unorthodox school should have them. Or at least, I fully intend to enjoy writing them.
I've been writing this update over the course of entirely too long and now I intend to stop. Em should be coming at midnight and before she does I'm going to do some work on the future site of this blog- I want it to be attractive enough to win awards which will then draw people to it. Yes, I shamelessly admit to my common, greedy need for a fanbase.
On with it!
I started thinking, once I got here, just enough to let me reach that goal.
Greg is wonderful, though, and is vying to make it better, and suceeding a little:
Greg: i recall that you do get deep into misery
Greg: which is something that i can never do much about
Greg: except to wish fervently that all of the magically shining jello of the world would collect itself into a pool in which we might swim together
Greg: which might cheer you up
FieryGwenivere: :-) you're so great
Greg: i don't know about that one... for all my wishing, jello doesn't shine and you're in maine
Greg: and besides which, do either of us have a pool to put it in?
Greg: no, hopelessly impractical
FieryGwenivere: Well, I think Jello shines
Greg: only with light
FieryGwenivere: then we shall wish for light, too
Greg: unlike a sparkling deity such as yourself
FieryGwenivere: and we can use someone else's pool
Greg: true, true, and pool's come with their own lights
FieryGwenivere: and, heh, you shoulda wished a few hours ago, I was in massachussetts
FieryGwenivere: but it doesn't matter...we'll wish to fly.
FieryGwenivere: and we'll both fly to vermont
Greg: now that sounds like a plan
Greg: to that field, for that matter
FieryGwenivere: our hilltop, yes
Greg: yes, our hilltop with our sky
FieryGwenivere: and our may....we'll make it may. I have no use for december right now
Greg: no, december has proved itself incapable even of providing fluffy snow
FieryGwenivere: not here
Greg: why not make it june? then we could sit out on the stars without sweatshirts
Greg: not here, either
FieryGwenivere: No, I mean there is snow here
Greg: ahh
Greg: well, that's one thing you have going
FieryGwenivere: and it WAS flufy, but it's harder and crunchier now
FieryGwenivere: And if we want it to be june, it's june. I just like the sound of may better.
Greg: fair enough
Greg: may, only a little bit warmer
FieryGwenivere: and we are sitting on adirondack chairs together and watching stars and reading poetry to each other again
FieryGwenivere: (only this time in a platonic enough way so that it wouldn't upset my guy.....imagine that, someone I have a problem with cheating on!)
Greg has recently done me the favor of changing the course of my life by finding me the perfect school for which to apply in his lovely city, New York. While Greg attends the fabulous NYU, I hope that in a year I'll be his neighbor at New School University. I am waiting with unprecedented impatience for my application kit to come in the mail. Though I should probably start working on my essays- how has my education so far prepared me for an education at Eugege Lang College (of new school university) and something about some soceital issue I'm involved in. Or something.
Greg tells me the school is unorthodox, and I fully intend to write the essays in such a way that only an unorthodox school should have them. Or at least, I fully intend to enjoy writing them.
I've been writing this update over the course of entirely too long and now I intend to stop. Em should be coming at midnight and before she does I'm going to do some work on the future site of this blog- I want it to be attractive enough to win awards which will then draw people to it. Yes, I shamelessly admit to my common, greedy need for a fanbase.
On with it!
Sunday, December 23, 2001
There is possitively no way to justify being online right now rather than packing to go to Gloucester. Orginally, we were supposed to have left two and a half hours ago, but apparently the baby was sick last night and this has somehow affected our plans.
Either way, though, we'd be leaving any minute if we were all ready. And I am no where near ready.
Things to bring:
Uncle Freddy's Dilbert book to return
My logbook
Another notebook
Pens
Reading materials including the book Mr. Leighton is having me read, old logbooks, and a couple garfield books
and.....my CD's, I guess.
Is that it? I haven't the faintest idea!
Oh yeah, clothing.
Why do I think the internet would be even slightly interested in what I'm packing for Gloucester?
Ugh, I wanted to make it so it displayed my nickname and not my real name at the end of these, but that doesn't seem to be working out...I shall try again later, I must pack now.
On with it.
Either way, though, we'd be leaving any minute if we were all ready. And I am no where near ready.
Things to bring:
Uncle Freddy's Dilbert book to return
My logbook
Another notebook
Pens
Reading materials including the book Mr. Leighton is having me read, old logbooks, and a couple garfield books
and.....my CD's, I guess.
Is that it? I haven't the faintest idea!
Oh yeah, clothing.
Why do I think the internet would be even slightly interested in what I'm packing for Gloucester?
Ugh, I wanted to make it so it displayed my nickname and not my real name at the end of these, but that doesn't seem to be working out...I shall try again later, I must pack now.
On with it.
Saturday, December 22, 2001
I'm trying to file all of my saved AIM conversations in folders named for who they were with. This could take a while.
I have 1,019 saved AIM conversations.
I have just found one that I saved that was merely Nick leaving a message to my away message, in which all he said was:
Babe, I fucking love you. :-)
Ugh! I need my friends back! I miss them!!!! (Yes, it's one of those whiny expressions that requires multiple explanation points)
Okay, I've been filing and on the phone with mark and all sorts of other stuff for like an hour since that last sentence, and for a couple of minutes directly proceeding right now, I was shaking uncontrollably. I think I will be again once I stop typing. I'm emotional about SOMETHING, but I don't quite know what yet.
I have just read over one conversation I had with Jeremey about Elorza and one conversation I had with Elorza about Jeremey. In the one with Elorza, I pasted part of something that I had written about both of them earlier:
"You make me laugh and I can feel my heart sigh with a magnificient pressing relief. You make the rest of the world feel like strangers- I take candy only from you. When I'm with you there are parts of me smiling I didn't know I had. You make it all downhill from here- in a convertible with the wind blowing through our hair and an endless sunset and we'd always have 20/20 vision. I n a world full of you, I want to live. I want to wake up in a bed of you after a night of breathing you in to stretch my forearms through you, look out the window and see you shining down on little contently insignificant me with fingers outstrecthed just to touch more of you. I keep my eyes open just for the chance to see you. You are so much you, you make me better."
I wrote that for two people who made my life magical.....and who continue to do so no more. Or, in Elorza's case, very seldomly. It's not his fault at all- I wouldn't be attached to this machine at the hip, either, if I had the choice, but someof us don't have cars. Still...all of my friends have this odd duality- if one is mistreating me, or something is wrong in my friendship with one, there's always one specific friend who can cheer me up. They're all assigned to each other- for clarification purposes, If Bob pisses me off, Annie is the only one who can make me really feel better and if Annie pisses me off, Bob is. The problem now is that Jeremey and Elorza were paired off like that, and still are. Which is a big part of why I'm not coping with this at all.
I think that Jeff is the only person with whom my relationship right now is anywhere near as good as it should be. People are wonderful, don't get me wrong, but my connectiojs with them are all off right now. Jenn's working all the time, Emily's....I don't know, just not good lately, I've mentioned a dozen times that I have limited contact with my auburn boys, and....well, there just hasn't been much contact with anyone really. It's bad.
Casey Labrack continues to impress me. His away message: "I'm playing a game online just for the thrill of having hundreds of hardcore gamers and "l33t haX0rs" call me a "fag" or "fa9()t", respectively." The intelligence of that drives me wild with "I want to know you"-ness. So many people in this world I just want to be able to feel comfortable in having a conversation with, like it's within my rights to assume that we're friends and that we have some kind of connection. People I just want to say "we need to hang out sometime soon" to and have them reciporcate. People I just plain want to get to know. Casey's on the top of that list....actually, he's sort of second to Mitch Harmon, who may or may not still check this site since the one time I sent him to.
Mitch is amazingly cool shit. Firstly, he's the one person in the school who still actively tries to frustrate me, and I really don't get along with anyone very much who isn't basically a jerk. Secondly, apparently he's intelligent- he can write. Poetry, in fact. That's a rare thing in any male, especially one who goes to Lisbon High School. Third, he apparently has the same sort of dark side that I do- a few days ago we managed to get into a conversation- for a limited amount of time- that did not involve insulting each other's professions in a business simulation for Business Management class or cheating in French. We talked about suicide, and preferred methods (in a purely hypothetical way, Lisbon High School! Don't you go sending HIM to St. Mary's) and how neither of us wants to get old and which movies we most admired the character's suicides in. It was fantastic to be able to be that morbid to someone I barely know. He reminds me a LOT of Elorza....not the suicide stuff, other things. Like I said, he's cool shit.
If you're reading this though, Mitch, I will NEVER admit to not hating you to your face. NEVER.
I want to be friends with these people but it's fucked- I haven't even been able to keep all the friendships I already have kept up.
Jesus Christ, it's almost Christmas. I didn't even realize this until I was looking at my MP3 list and saw my mom's favorite christmas song on it, and decided to play it rationalizing (11:11, I love you...someone) that it's almost Christmas, so it's not bad to listen to Christmas music. It doesn't much feel like it- it did, earlier today. I ended up going to Wal*Mart with George and in the car we listened to John Denver. John Denver is very quintessentially christmas. We listened to "The Toy" or whatever it is that it's called.
"It went Zip! when it moved
And Bob! when it stopped
And Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! when it stood still!
I never knew just what it was
And I guess I never will."
When Rob, George's brother, began singing along with that I was delighted in a way I cannot possibly express. In a car with this hardened bastard sophomore who works double time at being bitchy to people and using the word "fuck" as much as possible, and he was sinigng along to "The Toy" (or whatever) and rolling his R's- it was wonderful. I do so love Rob. I hope he and Jessica get married and continue nauseating people in public places forever.
I'm still online basically in hopes that eventually Mitch or Elorza or....well, probably no one else, that I can think of, will make an appearance eventually. Really really unlikely, but whatever. I want them too. I think I might want to talk to Andrew, too....it's been a while. Since I've really wanted to, that is. I haven't wanted to deal with the stress of post-relationship issues lately. I haven't wanted to deal with anything.
There's this online guy, Jeff, who is in no way the same Jeff, but a Jeff from Maryland, and write now his away message is as follows: "For my confession, they burned me. For my wife, they tortured me. For my son, they humiliated me. For my daughter, they enraged me. For my life, they brought only coal." This intrigues and confuses me. I want to know what it's from and what it means, though I'm not sure I want to get dragged into whatever conversation will follow it, which is odd- I truly enjoy talking to this guy. I guess I'm just not in that place right now.
My period is late- my mother informed me yesterday, with suspicion in her voice, that I'm on my 37th day. (Heh heh, 37!) (<-most of you won't get that reference...how sad) I reacted to her suspiscion with....fuck, what's the word. Indignance. I reacted to her suspiscion with indignance and probably reiterated that I do NOT plan to have sex until I'm 18. She doesn't seem to get that. When Jeff came to pick me up she made a point to tell us both to have fun, but not too much. Poor dumb delusional mother. (I should be careful, the last time I wrote something bad about her on this, she discovered it when I accidentally left it open and went just somewhat insane- it was BAD) At any rate, the whole point of this paragraph was to point out that there's a great chance this might simply be PMS, and I'm really hoping that's it.
Once you use italics once, you get in a sort of italics mode and keep doing it. It's pretty annoying.
ugh...SO do not want to be online. Actually, in reality I want to go downstairs and eat somethign and watch exactly a half-hour of TV, hoping some sitcom reruns, especially the Golden Girls or maybe Frasier, will be on, and then come back online to check the Mitch/Elorza/anyone else status at midnight. See how many messages will amass for me.
I think I shall do that. Quickly, before I lose the urge and it's no longer a clean half-hour to catch the whole show. On with it!!!!
I have 1,019 saved AIM conversations.
I have just found one that I saved that was merely Nick leaving a message to my away message, in which all he said was:
Babe, I fucking love you. :-)
Ugh! I need my friends back! I miss them!!!! (Yes, it's one of those whiny expressions that requires multiple explanation points)
Okay, I've been filing and on the phone with mark and all sorts of other stuff for like an hour since that last sentence, and for a couple of minutes directly proceeding right now, I was shaking uncontrollably. I think I will be again once I stop typing. I'm emotional about SOMETHING, but I don't quite know what yet.
I have just read over one conversation I had with Jeremey about Elorza and one conversation I had with Elorza about Jeremey. In the one with Elorza, I pasted part of something that I had written about both of them earlier:
"You make me laugh and I can feel my heart sigh with a magnificient pressing relief. You make the rest of the world feel like strangers- I take candy only from you. When I'm with you there are parts of me smiling I didn't know I had. You make it all downhill from here- in a convertible with the wind blowing through our hair and an endless sunset and we'd always have 20/20 vision. I n a world full of you, I want to live. I want to wake up in a bed of you after a night of breathing you in to stretch my forearms through you, look out the window and see you shining down on little contently insignificant me with fingers outstrecthed just to touch more of you. I keep my eyes open just for the chance to see you. You are so much you, you make me better."
I wrote that for two people who made my life magical.....and who continue to do so no more. Or, in Elorza's case, very seldomly. It's not his fault at all- I wouldn't be attached to this machine at the hip, either, if I had the choice, but someof us don't have cars. Still...all of my friends have this odd duality- if one is mistreating me, or something is wrong in my friendship with one, there's always one specific friend who can cheer me up. They're all assigned to each other- for clarification purposes, If Bob pisses me off, Annie is the only one who can make me really feel better and if Annie pisses me off, Bob is. The problem now is that Jeremey and Elorza were paired off like that, and still are. Which is a big part of why I'm not coping with this at all.
I think that Jeff is the only person with whom my relationship right now is anywhere near as good as it should be. People are wonderful, don't get me wrong, but my connectiojs with them are all off right now. Jenn's working all the time, Emily's....I don't know, just not good lately, I've mentioned a dozen times that I have limited contact with my auburn boys, and....well, there just hasn't been much contact with anyone really. It's bad.
Casey Labrack continues to impress me. His away message: "I'm playing a game online just for the thrill of having hundreds of hardcore gamers and "l33t haX0rs" call me a "fag" or "fa9()t", respectively." The intelligence of that drives me wild with "I want to know you"-ness. So many people in this world I just want to be able to feel comfortable in having a conversation with, like it's within my rights to assume that we're friends and that we have some kind of connection. People I just want to say "we need to hang out sometime soon" to and have them reciporcate. People I just plain want to get to know. Casey's on the top of that list....actually, he's sort of second to Mitch Harmon, who may or may not still check this site since the one time I sent him to.
Mitch is amazingly cool shit. Firstly, he's the one person in the school who still actively tries to frustrate me, and I really don't get along with anyone very much who isn't basically a jerk. Secondly, apparently he's intelligent- he can write. Poetry, in fact. That's a rare thing in any male, especially one who goes to Lisbon High School. Third, he apparently has the same sort of dark side that I do- a few days ago we managed to get into a conversation- for a limited amount of time- that did not involve insulting each other's professions in a business simulation for Business Management class or cheating in French. We talked about suicide, and preferred methods (in a purely hypothetical way, Lisbon High School! Don't you go sending HIM to St. Mary's) and how neither of us wants to get old and which movies we most admired the character's suicides in. It was fantastic to be able to be that morbid to someone I barely know. He reminds me a LOT of Elorza....not the suicide stuff, other things. Like I said, he's cool shit.
If you're reading this though, Mitch, I will NEVER admit to not hating you to your face. NEVER.
I want to be friends with these people but it's fucked- I haven't even been able to keep all the friendships I already have kept up.
Jesus Christ, it's almost Christmas. I didn't even realize this until I was looking at my MP3 list and saw my mom's favorite christmas song on it, and decided to play it rationalizing (11:11, I love you...someone) that it's almost Christmas, so it's not bad to listen to Christmas music. It doesn't much feel like it- it did, earlier today. I ended up going to Wal*Mart with George and in the car we listened to John Denver. John Denver is very quintessentially christmas. We listened to "The Toy" or whatever it is that it's called.
"It went Zip! when it moved
And Bob! when it stopped
And Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! when it stood still!
I never knew just what it was
And I guess I never will."
When Rob, George's brother, began singing along with that I was delighted in a way I cannot possibly express. In a car with this hardened bastard sophomore who works double time at being bitchy to people and using the word "fuck" as much as possible, and he was sinigng along to "The Toy" (or whatever) and rolling his R's- it was wonderful. I do so love Rob. I hope he and Jessica get married and continue nauseating people in public places forever.
I'm still online basically in hopes that eventually Mitch or Elorza or....well, probably no one else, that I can think of, will make an appearance eventually. Really really unlikely, but whatever. I want them too. I think I might want to talk to Andrew, too....it's been a while. Since I've really wanted to, that is. I haven't wanted to deal with the stress of post-relationship issues lately. I haven't wanted to deal with anything.
There's this online guy, Jeff, who is in no way the same Jeff, but a Jeff from Maryland, and write now his away message is as follows: "For my confession, they burned me. For my wife, they tortured me. For my son, they humiliated me. For my daughter, they enraged me. For my life, they brought only coal." This intrigues and confuses me. I want to know what it's from and what it means, though I'm not sure I want to get dragged into whatever conversation will follow it, which is odd- I truly enjoy talking to this guy. I guess I'm just not in that place right now.
My period is late- my mother informed me yesterday, with suspicion in her voice, that I'm on my 37th day. (Heh heh, 37!) (<-most of you won't get that reference...how sad) I reacted to her suspiscion with....fuck, what's the word. Indignance. I reacted to her suspiscion with indignance and probably reiterated that I do NOT plan to have sex until I'm 18. She doesn't seem to get that. When Jeff came to pick me up she made a point to tell us both to have fun, but not too much. Poor dumb delusional mother. (I should be careful, the last time I wrote something bad about her on this, she discovered it when I accidentally left it open and went just somewhat insane- it was BAD) At any rate, the whole point of this paragraph was to point out that there's a great chance this might simply be PMS, and I'm really hoping that's it.
Once you use italics once, you get in a sort of italics mode and keep doing it. It's pretty annoying.
ugh...SO do not want to be online. Actually, in reality I want to go downstairs and eat somethign and watch exactly a half-hour of TV, hoping some sitcom reruns, especially the Golden Girls or maybe Frasier, will be on, and then come back online to check the Mitch/Elorza/anyone else status at midnight. See how many messages will amass for me.
I think I shall do that. Quickly, before I lose the urge and it's no longer a clean half-hour to catch the whole show. On with it!!!!
"Now is the time to seize the day!
Send out the call the join fray!
Wrongs will be righted
If we're united
Let us seize the day!"
~Newsies
Yeah, I really want to hear 0% Real again. They, triangle sleep, and Ties of Seven are apparently having a show sometime in January and I really want it to be sooner than later. Nothing better than the garage band scene.
I have to go shopping for Jeff (and Tony) and I really don't want to do it with my mother- Ryan and I were going to go and then go to the movies, but I realized that I'm on a pretty damn limitedbudget and if I went to the movies on a weekend, I wouldn't have enough money left over to get Jeff anything half decent (and Tony anything one eight-hundred-and-sixth-fourth decent). Other than her, Jenn's either working or gone, Em's working, and...well, I haven't tried anyone else, I suppose I probably could. I'm sort of out of practice calling people and randomly making plans, but most of my friends are home right now. Perhaps George would want to accompany me. *picks up phone*
Wow, I'm really dumb- George was going shopping with her brother's- one of whom I'm really close to anyway- and I totally didn't ask if I could join them. Because I felt it would be rude!
"Where have my testicles gone?
Long time pasting
Where have my tesitcles gone?
Long time ago...."
And for those of you who are wondering why I would but that I have male anatomy on my site, it's cause I do. In a jar, on my shelf, floating in rubbing alcohol. I chopped 'em off of some bastard who called me feminine.
On with it.
Send out the call the join fray!
Wrongs will be righted
If we're united
Let us seize the day!"
~Newsies
Yeah, I really want to hear 0% Real again. They, triangle sleep, and Ties of Seven are apparently having a show sometime in January and I really want it to be sooner than later. Nothing better than the garage band scene.
I have to go shopping for Jeff (and Tony) and I really don't want to do it with my mother- Ryan and I were going to go and then go to the movies, but I realized that I'm on a pretty damn limitedbudget and if I went to the movies on a weekend, I wouldn't have enough money left over to get Jeff anything half decent (and Tony anything one eight-hundred-and-sixth-fourth decent). Other than her, Jenn's either working or gone, Em's working, and...well, I haven't tried anyone else, I suppose I probably could. I'm sort of out of practice calling people and randomly making plans, but most of my friends are home right now. Perhaps George would want to accompany me. *picks up phone*
Wow, I'm really dumb- George was going shopping with her brother's- one of whom I'm really close to anyway- and I totally didn't ask if I could join them. Because I felt it would be rude!
"Where have my testicles gone?
Long time pasting
Where have my tesitcles gone?
Long time ago...."
And for those of you who are wondering why I would but that I have male anatomy on my site, it's cause I do. In a jar, on my shelf, floating in rubbing alcohol. I chopped 'em off of some bastard who called me feminine.
On with it.
Hmmm....been a while since I updated.
"It's been a while..."
Andrew used to say that Ben would say that all the time.
"What'll I do
When you
Are far
Away
And I
Am Blue
What'll I do?
What'll I do
When I
Am won-
d'ring who
Is kiss-
ing you,
What'll I do?
What'll I do
With just
A pho-
tograph
To tell
My troubles
To?
When I'm alone
With on-
ly dreams
Of you
That won't
Come true,
What'll I do?"
I was at Jeff's tonight and the way he was looking at me and holing me, the light and the smell and the way we were both mockingly singing to Jagged Little Pill...the world would have been at it's finest, nothign would have been able to touch me. Except that I have a gaping hole in my life- while we were listening to Alanis together I realized that Jeremey was the first guy I knew who had that CD and he and I would listen to it together repeatedly even before we grew to love Matchbox 20 together. And he and I would sing badly to it, and discuss the same aspects of the songs, and he and I would do everything together, over the phone, at least once a day way back then, back when he was still adjusting to his move to auburn and I was still adjusting to life in a world where I couldn't play the bee-finger game with him in homeroom or walk home with him after school, back when we would negotiate how we wouldn't kill ourselves without killing the other first and in that bizarre, morbid sympathy saved each other's lives over and over again. Back when he would incessantly make fun of me for things that didn't even make sense: "Linda has gonads?" "That's not fair!".
Jeff is amazing and giving and loving and wonderful and pretty much perfect, and he could bring me away from all the rest of the world....but tonight I couldn't get away from the way I used to strain to remember Jeremey's face while I was on the phone with him as I let his voice and his inane stories wash over me, loving, on the inside, how oblivious he was to my ostensible disinterest. I couldn't get away from the way it felt to talk to him unti we fell asleep about....bad porno movies on cinemax or Bobby wearing little black dresses. Or his forcing me to read teenaged girl magazines to him because he secretly loved the quizzes and the humiliation stories- Jeremey's guilty pleasures. Jeremey's everything. I miss it.
I miss my oldest friend and I am weak of it.
For clarification purposes, (this is entirely for Jeff, should he check the site again) this is not what was wrong when I told Jeff that I felt something was wrong but I didn't know what, it came later.
I was just talking to Elorza's girlfriend online and I told her to have a happy nondenominational holiday, but I realize now that he buddy icon is a picture of jesus, so I probably would have been safe to go with "Merry Christmas". I miss him, too. Damned people and their emotional and physical distances!
I still have to shop for Jeff and *shudder* Tony. And Sunday I'm going to gloucester until monday night, and then tuesday is the ever-uneventful christmas day, and I won't be able to see Jeff until however long after that. This would be bumming me out if I weren't too tired to be bummed out, which leads me to one conclusion- bedtime.
When you're too exhausted even to get depressed, it's time to hit the sheets.
Yawn with it! (I don't know WHY that struck me as clever, give me a break, it's after 1 am....)
"It's been a while..."
Andrew used to say that Ben would say that all the time.
"What'll I do
When you
Are far
Away
And I
Am Blue
What'll I do?
What'll I do
When I
Am won-
d'ring who
Is kiss-
ing you,
What'll I do?
What'll I do
With just
A pho-
tograph
To tell
My troubles
To?
When I'm alone
With on-
ly dreams
Of you
That won't
Come true,
What'll I do?"
I was at Jeff's tonight and the way he was looking at me and holing me, the light and the smell and the way we were both mockingly singing to Jagged Little Pill...the world would have been at it's finest, nothign would have been able to touch me. Except that I have a gaping hole in my life- while we were listening to Alanis together I realized that Jeremey was the first guy I knew who had that CD and he and I would listen to it together repeatedly even before we grew to love Matchbox 20 together. And he and I would sing badly to it, and discuss the same aspects of the songs, and he and I would do everything together, over the phone, at least once a day way back then, back when he was still adjusting to his move to auburn and I was still adjusting to life in a world where I couldn't play the bee-finger game with him in homeroom or walk home with him after school, back when we would negotiate how we wouldn't kill ourselves without killing the other first and in that bizarre, morbid sympathy saved each other's lives over and over again. Back when he would incessantly make fun of me for things that didn't even make sense: "Linda has gonads?" "That's not fair!".
Jeff is amazing and giving and loving and wonderful and pretty much perfect, and he could bring me away from all the rest of the world....but tonight I couldn't get away from the way I used to strain to remember Jeremey's face while I was on the phone with him as I let his voice and his inane stories wash over me, loving, on the inside, how oblivious he was to my ostensible disinterest. I couldn't get away from the way it felt to talk to him unti we fell asleep about....bad porno movies on cinemax or Bobby wearing little black dresses. Or his forcing me to read teenaged girl magazines to him because he secretly loved the quizzes and the humiliation stories- Jeremey's guilty pleasures. Jeremey's everything. I miss it.
I miss my oldest friend and I am weak of it.
For clarification purposes, (this is entirely for Jeff, should he check the site again) this is not what was wrong when I told Jeff that I felt something was wrong but I didn't know what, it came later.
I was just talking to Elorza's girlfriend online and I told her to have a happy nondenominational holiday, but I realize now that he buddy icon is a picture of jesus, so I probably would have been safe to go with "Merry Christmas". I miss him, too. Damned people and their emotional and physical distances!
I still have to shop for Jeff and *shudder* Tony. And Sunday I'm going to gloucester until monday night, and then tuesday is the ever-uneventful christmas day, and I won't be able to see Jeff until however long after that. This would be bumming me out if I weren't too tired to be bummed out, which leads me to one conclusion- bedtime.
When you're too exhausted even to get depressed, it's time to hit the sheets.
Yawn with it! (I don't know WHY that struck me as clever, give me a break, it's after 1 am....)
Wednesday, December 19, 2001
aight, let's see how long THAT stays there.....
I'm trying to put some pictures up on the site, needless to say, if you've been watching, I'm having some difficulties- James (M.), if you still check my site, I could use the advantage of your stunning prowess on this!
Let's see what we can do till I can talk to him...on with it....
I'm trying to put some pictures up on the site, needless to say, if you've been watching, I'm having some difficulties- James (M.), if you still check my site, I could use the advantage of your stunning prowess on this!
Let's see what we can do till I can talk to him...on with it....
Monday, December 17, 2001
fuckin' right! It worked! (clearly)
Britney Spears has apparently cancelled her agreement with PETA that she was going to get naked on a poster for an Anti-fur campaign....DAMN I would have liked to see that poster.
Now...what to put on my site now that I can post pictures?
Ah shit, gotta go, mr. ladd waiting, gone.
on with it
Britney Spears has apparently cancelled her agreement with PETA that she was going to get naked on a poster for an Anti-fur campaign....DAMN I would have liked to see that poster.
Now...what to put on my site now that I can post pictures?
Ah shit, gotta go, mr. ladd waiting, gone.
on with it
Sunday, December 16, 2001
Things I said I was going to accomplish today:
*My English Homework
*My French Homework
*Studying for auditions
*Cleaning some of my room
*Bathing
*Renting and watching a movie
Things I already have accomplished today:
*Studying for auditions
*Bathing
Hours left before I (intend to) go to bed:
4
Things I should do before tomorrow:
*Study for auditions more
*Clean some of my room
*Start reading the book Mr. Leighton loaned me
*Sending Mrs. White that e-mail about why I should be the manager of the quill
Things I pretty much need to do (but most likely won't) before tomorrow:
*My English homework
*My French homework
What I actually want to do, and probably will if I get off my ass:
*Rent a movie and watch it
Insincere justification of that action:
*I can do my french homework WHILE watching the movie, and that will keep me away from the internet, which would prevent me from doing anything at all.
The pointless activity that I'm wasting both of our time on:
*Updating this bastard of a site, and debating if "time" should have been pluralized right here
Last line of this entry:
On with it.
*My English Homework
*My French Homework
*Studying for auditions
*Cleaning some of my room
*Bathing
*Renting and watching a movie
Things I already have accomplished today:
*Studying for auditions
*Bathing
Hours left before I (intend to) go to bed:
4
Things I should do before tomorrow:
*Study for auditions more
*Clean some of my room
*Start reading the book Mr. Leighton loaned me
*Sending Mrs. White that e-mail about why I should be the manager of the quill
Things I pretty much need to do (but most likely won't) before tomorrow:
*My English homework
*My French homework
What I actually want to do, and probably will if I get off my ass:
*Rent a movie and watch it
Insincere justification of that action:
*I can do my french homework WHILE watching the movie, and that will keep me away from the internet, which would prevent me from doing anything at all.
The pointless activity that I'm wasting both of our time on:
*Updating this bastard of a site, and debating if "time" should have been pluralized right here
Last line of this entry:
On with it.
"When can my heart beat again?
When does the pain ever end?
When do the tears stop from running over?
When does 'You'll get over it' begin?
I hear what you're saying,
But I swear that it's not making sense,
So when can I see you again?"|
~Babyface
Starting the day by listening to the same missing-him playlist I made last night probably isn't overly healthy. I don't care, though....it's sunday. Gloomy Sunday.
That's a song that I have on one of my Billie Holiday CD's.....it's about her lover dying and she decides to commit suicide to be with him. (I've just now witnessed the strangest thing...my ferret was laying on this part of her cage over her water bottle, hanging her head down and drinking from the water bottle upside down. And now the song she was named after has come on....freaky.)
"Seen a lot of good things die out
In an overemotional way
These days-
So please hand me the bottle,
I think I'm lonely now.
And please give me direction
I think the hurt set in.
But I don't feel nothing....."
~Matchbox Twenty
It went through "The Freshmen" by the Verve Pipe and is now "Behind Blue Eyes" by the Who (I think), the last song he told me to download. It's a very me song.
"No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies-
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be"
I feel greasy and tired and there's too much to do today to just sit here and quote sad songs that remind me of someone that wouldn't quote sad songs for me. That's far too teenaged, I don't feel like being 17 right now......at least not all that seventeen. Or maybe I really want to be more 17....I think I should stick some more quotes up in my room and work on memorizing the audition for drama, and I'd like to rent a movie and my mom will force me to clean my room.
And, hey, after christmas I'll have a TV in my room and I'll be able to watch movies while cleaning my room. There's somethign in life to look forward too.
"Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes."
~REM
on with it...
When does the pain ever end?
When do the tears stop from running over?
When does 'You'll get over it' begin?
I hear what you're saying,
But I swear that it's not making sense,
So when can I see you again?"|
~Babyface
Starting the day by listening to the same missing-him playlist I made last night probably isn't overly healthy. I don't care, though....it's sunday. Gloomy Sunday.
That's a song that I have on one of my Billie Holiday CD's.....it's about her lover dying and she decides to commit suicide to be with him. (I've just now witnessed the strangest thing...my ferret was laying on this part of her cage over her water bottle, hanging her head down and drinking from the water bottle upside down. And now the song she was named after has come on....freaky.)
"Seen a lot of good things die out
In an overemotional way
These days-
So please hand me the bottle,
I think I'm lonely now.
And please give me direction
I think the hurt set in.
But I don't feel nothing....."
~Matchbox Twenty
It went through "The Freshmen" by the Verve Pipe and is now "Behind Blue Eyes" by the Who (I think), the last song he told me to download. It's a very me song.
"No one knows what it's like
To be hated
To be fated
To telling only lies-
But my dreams
They aren't as empty
As my conscience seems to be"
I feel greasy and tired and there's too much to do today to just sit here and quote sad songs that remind me of someone that wouldn't quote sad songs for me. That's far too teenaged, I don't feel like being 17 right now......at least not all that seventeen. Or maybe I really want to be more 17....I think I should stick some more quotes up in my room and work on memorizing the audition for drama, and I'd like to rent a movie and my mom will force me to clean my room.
And, hey, after christmas I'll have a TV in my room and I'll be able to watch movies while cleaning my room. There's somethign in life to look forward too.
"Don't let yourself go
'Cause everybody cries
And everybody hurts
Sometimes."
~REM
on with it...
Saturday, December 15, 2001
"Silent All These Years" should never have been a dance song in my opinion, and it's come to my attention that the thing that's bothering me most right now is how much I miss Jeremey, and still need him, and still love him, and how he reciporcates none of that.
"And for the million hours that we were
Well I'll smile and remember it all...
Then I'll turn and go.
I'm on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why?"
I want to be writing something beautiful in all of this, but I don't know where to start anymore and that's perhaps why I've turned here. I don't give a god-damn what any of you see, you voyeuristic fucks. I'm not really angry enough to have written that....or perhaps I'm too angry to confine it to that.
I feel like just sitting here thoughtlessly scrutinizing each spot in the air as I listen to my depressing music playlist and letting my voice waver as I sing over lines with meaning I didn't realize before, but a certain someone that I do NOT want to be talking to about her issues- not because I mind talking to people about their issues, but because of who she is and who her issues involves- is talking to me about her issues...and thus ruining my tranquil bnrooding over past pain with anxiety of an oncoming horror.
"Love is not some kind of victory march
It's a cold, and it's a very broken
Hallelujah."
....ugh, now I'm getting fucked over. I just wanted to sit here and love him in the middle of the silent night, and let sincere tears fall down my cheeks unheard, but no, now I have to get all fucking pissed over HER and her raping every single aspect of my life. Sometimes I just hope she fucking burns in hell.
I've gotten too used to seeing Jeff twice a weekend- he's not in school, so I'll see him soon, but I'm not going to see him tomorrow and this isn't something I seem to be readily processing.
Em's coming over so I can kavetch in person, so I'm gone. It's good to have her around for a while. On with it.
"And for the million hours that we were
Well I'll smile and remember it all...
Then I'll turn and go.
I'm on a champagne high
Where will I be when I stop wondering why?"
I want to be writing something beautiful in all of this, but I don't know where to start anymore and that's perhaps why I've turned here. I don't give a god-damn what any of you see, you voyeuristic fucks. I'm not really angry enough to have written that....or perhaps I'm too angry to confine it to that.
I feel like just sitting here thoughtlessly scrutinizing each spot in the air as I listen to my depressing music playlist and letting my voice waver as I sing over lines with meaning I didn't realize before, but a certain someone that I do NOT want to be talking to about her issues- not because I mind talking to people about their issues, but because of who she is and who her issues involves- is talking to me about her issues...and thus ruining my tranquil bnrooding over past pain with anxiety of an oncoming horror.
"Love is not some kind of victory march
It's a cold, and it's a very broken
Hallelujah."
....ugh, now I'm getting fucked over. I just wanted to sit here and love him in the middle of the silent night, and let sincere tears fall down my cheeks unheard, but no, now I have to get all fucking pissed over HER and her raping every single aspect of my life. Sometimes I just hope she fucking burns in hell.
I've gotten too used to seeing Jeff twice a weekend- he's not in school, so I'll see him soon, but I'm not going to see him tomorrow and this isn't something I seem to be readily processing.
Em's coming over so I can kavetch in person, so I'm gone. It's good to have her around for a while. On with it.
So on the ride home from Jill and Torrie's with Heather and Jill and her brother Tashia in the car we got to talking about their personal experiences with a lot of the issues I've been dealing with lately. Apparently it's made me depressed, though maybe it's not that, maybe it's just me. Or maybe I'm more disturbed than depressed, or more exhausted than disturbed.
Maybe I want to hunt some fucking bastards down. Anyone got a cock I can sever with a broken beer bottle? It'd be theraputic about now.
I wish I could find the tape Emily made me- I want to be listening to "Silent All These Years" by Tori Amos, among other things. I'm downloading a version that's apparently a "Really Deep Remix", but between my 56k connection and actually finding someone on audiogalaxy with a version of it to get it from, this could take a while.
Okay, by the time I finished typing that sentence it had already started, but still.
I should have asked to spend the night at Jill and Torrie's. I don't want to be home and alone already.
I miss somebody...maybe it's them, all of them. Torrie and Jill and Heather and Mike and freshmen year going to jill's house everyday after school and learning about sex and trying on Jill's clothing and lackadaising around her house that smelled like the wood stove. Sometimes it was so boring I could die from it, but in general it was comfortable and wondrous. I was so young back then....and so totally passionately in love Jon.
Jonathan Lawless. Senior when I was a freshmen and I've talked about him on here probably more times than I even know about, but either way....I remember once I was spending the night at Jill's and we were in this very casual conversation until I just burst into tears suddenly, truthfully, youthfully. I can't even remember what it is to really pine for someone who has no semblance of reciporcation for you, someone you can't even talk to, someone from who even a glance was a blessing unsurpassed. I miss the days when that was the stuff I cried over instead of real pain and real problems and real shame. I miss sweating the small stuff. I want my inner freshman back.
"Give me life, give me pain, give me myself again."
My hair smells like cigarettes- one undesirable aspect of Jill/Torrie's apartment- EVERYONE there smoked. And tash and I- and possibly Bobby?- were the only virgins. But that's cool. It's not often I get to feel innocent.
I was supposed to call Katie back before I left this morning. There's a possibilty it was for something going on at her house, it might be transpiring (probably not the word I'm lookign for) right now. But I'm not sure if I make the transition from one group of friends to the other this quickly. Might cause me to disdain the Katie group pretty hugely.
I'm gonna call, find out. Better than sitting around waiting for Tori Amos to download. On with it.
I didn't entirely fuck up at teh concert last night and Jeff is home for the next month, along with however others.
Going to Torrie and Jill's christmas party today and this makes me incredibly happy, I haven't spent real time with them in so long.
Only ten days till christmas, and I still have five out of seven people to shop for....damn.
But I'm going to get all christmas-spirited up today, if I can help it, and it's going to rock. I will have a good weekend, I am determined.
Happy non-denominational holidays, and on with it!
Going to Torrie and Jill's christmas party today and this makes me incredibly happy, I haven't spent real time with them in so long.
Only ten days till christmas, and I still have five out of seven people to shop for....damn.
But I'm going to get all christmas-spirited up today, if I can help it, and it's going to rock. I will have a good weekend, I am determined.
Happy non-denominational holidays, and on with it!
Thursday, December 13, 2001
Wednesday, December 12, 2001
I'm like on a bitch roll....yeah, that's right, I'm makin' an estrogen sandwich- sweet meat on a bitch roll. (do YOU know what the hell I'm talking about? Because I sure don't!)
Andrew came to me asking for some consolation and I, being entirely incapable of sympathizing with him since he's gone through this whole "Let's get over Linda by falling for (the entirely unattainable) Amber" stint, told him that I really didn't know how to give him any right then. I don't think I could have faked it, really. Some people would call it assertion, but I'm not really used to not stroking the pity sticks of whichever breying ass asks me too.
Apparently I'm pissed about something, because normally I would have been gentle about that. Don't much feel like caring right now.
Maybe it's my lack of contact with people I actually care about as of late. But this will subside shortly- Emily is coming home for vacation tomorrow, I'm seeing Jeff friday, and Elorza came online today to let me know he's been busy lately but he'll e-mail me soon. I still miss Ben, Nick and Chad, but I've been talking to Ben more lately and I'm sure things will get better with the other two once they have the time or I have the energy. Mark and Aaron will both be back for vacation soon, and Torrie and Jill's Christmas party will come up one of these days- they had to reschedule it because I, a dumbass, told them there was a Triangle Sleep show on a day there wasn't.
I am determined to have myself a Merry Little Christmas. (Or a little Mary one, quoth Thibidou- which reminds me, I should go see Judd)
So once again I'm going to go to bed having finished neither my english nor my french assignments....it's nice not to care right now. Tomorrow is thursday...this week is almost done.
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....
I will. I must. How depressing.
"Neighbor to neighbor!
Father and son!
One for all
And all for one!"
~Seize the Day, from the Newsies, covered masterfully by the garage band 0% real....
(Note: This quote has no significance whatsoever right now, but the song is stuck in my head and that makes me happy.)
On with it!
Andrew came to me asking for some consolation and I, being entirely incapable of sympathizing with him since he's gone through this whole "Let's get over Linda by falling for (the entirely unattainable) Amber" stint, told him that I really didn't know how to give him any right then. I don't think I could have faked it, really. Some people would call it assertion, but I'm not really used to not stroking the pity sticks of whichever breying ass asks me too.
Apparently I'm pissed about something, because normally I would have been gentle about that. Don't much feel like caring right now.
Maybe it's my lack of contact with people I actually care about as of late. But this will subside shortly- Emily is coming home for vacation tomorrow, I'm seeing Jeff friday, and Elorza came online today to let me know he's been busy lately but he'll e-mail me soon. I still miss Ben, Nick and Chad, but I've been talking to Ben more lately and I'm sure things will get better with the other two once they have the time or I have the energy. Mark and Aaron will both be back for vacation soon, and Torrie and Jill's Christmas party will come up one of these days- they had to reschedule it because I, a dumbass, told them there was a Triangle Sleep show on a day there wasn't.
I am determined to have myself a Merry Little Christmas. (Or a little Mary one, quoth Thibidou- which reminds me, I should go see Judd)
So once again I'm going to go to bed having finished neither my english nor my french assignments....it's nice not to care right now. Tomorrow is thursday...this week is almost done.
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....
I will. I must. How depressing.
"Neighbor to neighbor!
Father and son!
One for all
And all for one!"
~Seize the Day, from the Newsies, covered masterfully by the garage band 0% real....
(Note: This quote has no significance whatsoever right now, but the song is stuck in my head and that makes me happy.)
On with it!
Tuesday, December 11, 2001
I get selfish sometimes and bitch at people who probably don't deserve to be bitched at because it's FUCKING SATISFYING TO BE THE BIGGEST WHORE I POSSIBLY CAN BE TO THEM. Let's take a better look at this:
Someone unamed: I'm still here for you Linda. Remember that. Maybe I haven't taken all this in the best way possible but I don't intend to abandon you.
FieryGwenivere: I know
Unamed: You still have my roses hanging in your room?
FieryGwenivere: yeah
Unamed: Then tonight Linda, I want you to look at those roses and remember that I, like those roses, will be here for you, no matter what happens. And even if it's not me...there will always be someone, someone like me, who will be there to give you comfort in the night. Because even though they may wilt, I don't believe roses ever truly die.
FieryGwenivere: sure
Unamed: I'm sorry. I'm only doing the best that I can.
FieryGwenivere: Do what you want. I'm not having the type of night where I can sit around and contribute hallmark-card nostalgia over past and present relationships and assuage your fears that you've either left me or been left by me, or will leave me, or will be left by me, or that our relationship might change or that it might not get better or that one day I may take down my roses or that one day you may stub you toe. I'm just not there right now. I've got other shit on my mind and I don't feel like pretending that I care, right now, about yours.
Unamed: Then what is on your mind?
FieryGwenivere: nothing I can talk about
Unamed: Why?
FieryGwenivere: because I don't want to
Unamed: Well, that's your decision.
Unamed: I'm sorry.
*Linda ignores him for a few minutes*
Unamed: I love you Linda. Goodnight.
*Linda ignores him till he leaves*
And the thing is, I really wish I had taken the time to be crueler about that. I need to freak out at somebody right now. SOMEONE DO SOMETHING TO ME SO I CAN OVERREACT AND MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT ABOUT A SEEMINGLY INCONSEQUENTIAL HAPPENING.
Too goddamned bad Elorza isn't on right now and hasn't been for a while....he totally would have leapt at that job. That's one of the hundreds of millions of gorgeous things about him...he can be unselfish when he wants to be. Truly unselfish, not this bullshit that all the rest of us go through trying to look unselfish while the whole time we are selfishly thinking about what a great impression we must be giving. Only when he wants to be, but so few ever achieve that, ya know?
Casey Labrack continues to be cool with funny links and the like...
I REALLY should be in bed. I'll do that now.
On with it.
Someone unamed: I'm still here for you Linda. Remember that. Maybe I haven't taken all this in the best way possible but I don't intend to abandon you.
FieryGwenivere: I know
Unamed: You still have my roses hanging in your room?
FieryGwenivere: yeah
Unamed: Then tonight Linda, I want you to look at those roses and remember that I, like those roses, will be here for you, no matter what happens. And even if it's not me...there will always be someone, someone like me, who will be there to give you comfort in the night. Because even though they may wilt, I don't believe roses ever truly die.
FieryGwenivere: sure
Unamed: I'm sorry. I'm only doing the best that I can.
FieryGwenivere: Do what you want. I'm not having the type of night where I can sit around and contribute hallmark-card nostalgia over past and present relationships and assuage your fears that you've either left me or been left by me, or will leave me, or will be left by me, or that our relationship might change or that it might not get better or that one day I may take down my roses or that one day you may stub you toe. I'm just not there right now. I've got other shit on my mind and I don't feel like pretending that I care, right now, about yours.
Unamed: Then what is on your mind?
FieryGwenivere: nothing I can talk about
Unamed: Why?
FieryGwenivere: because I don't want to
Unamed: Well, that's your decision.
Unamed: I'm sorry.
*Linda ignores him for a few minutes*
Unamed: I love you Linda. Goodnight.
*Linda ignores him till he leaves*
And the thing is, I really wish I had taken the time to be crueler about that. I need to freak out at somebody right now. SOMEONE DO SOMETHING TO ME SO I CAN OVERREACT AND MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE SHIT ABOUT A SEEMINGLY INCONSEQUENTIAL HAPPENING.
Too goddamned bad Elorza isn't on right now and hasn't been for a while....he totally would have leapt at that job. That's one of the hundreds of millions of gorgeous things about him...he can be unselfish when he wants to be. Truly unselfish, not this bullshit that all the rest of us go through trying to look unselfish while the whole time we are selfishly thinking about what a great impression we must be giving. Only when he wants to be, but so few ever achieve that, ya know?
Casey Labrack continues to be cool with funny links and the like...
I REALLY should be in bed. I'll do that now.
On with it.
"I finally made it, this town looks rearranged
I don't know these people anymore."
~Blues Traveller, Canadian Rose
So Jenn and I went to Wal*Mart tonight and I got shit for Em and Austin, two of the 7 major people I have to get gifts for, and we saw a shitload of people- Amber, who looks amazingly different with her glasses, Jesse and Christina Taylor and Devon (Jesse's ex-girlfriend), the guy who works at movieland and, most importantly, Bobby, who I haven't been talking to at all lately, which bothers me. We were close for so long and as of late our relationship had been exactly zip. Jenn asked Bobby if he wanted to go to the movies with us (plans which she improvised on the spot, knowing that I, of course, had nothing better to do) and he accepted- I asked him if he hated me or something and he said that he was just talking to Sam the other night about no longer talking to me and how it was upsetting him. That made me feel good.
After a humiliating encounter between them, my tendency to be an ass about things, and the 20 items or less line, Bobby called home and found out he couldn't go to the movies with us, but Jenn and I resolved that as soon as possible we will, in fact, make plans that somehow involve him. I think he and Jenn would make an incredible couple and Jenn, 17 years and 11 months old and still having never kissed a guy, isn't entirely inclined to disagree. This leads me to the idea that her and I should do something with Jeff and Bobby because I'm dying to force him to meet (spelled that "meat" the first time through, hello freud) and spend time with my friends, and I figure Bobby and Jenn are good choices for the first time being that he's met Jenn briefly, and Bobby's a Metallica fan. So he and Jeff will pretty much indefinitely get along.
I'm doing some stuff and I'm afraid I'll accidentally close this, so I'm gonna post for now and maybe come back later. On with it.
I don't know these people anymore."
~Blues Traveller, Canadian Rose
So Jenn and I went to Wal*Mart tonight and I got shit for Em and Austin, two of the 7 major people I have to get gifts for, and we saw a shitload of people- Amber, who looks amazingly different with her glasses, Jesse and Christina Taylor and Devon (Jesse's ex-girlfriend), the guy who works at movieland and, most importantly, Bobby, who I haven't been talking to at all lately, which bothers me. We were close for so long and as of late our relationship had been exactly zip. Jenn asked Bobby if he wanted to go to the movies with us (plans which she improvised on the spot, knowing that I, of course, had nothing better to do) and he accepted- I asked him if he hated me or something and he said that he was just talking to Sam the other night about no longer talking to me and how it was upsetting him. That made me feel good.
After a humiliating encounter between them, my tendency to be an ass about things, and the 20 items or less line, Bobby called home and found out he couldn't go to the movies with us, but Jenn and I resolved that as soon as possible we will, in fact, make plans that somehow involve him. I think he and Jenn would make an incredible couple and Jenn, 17 years and 11 months old and still having never kissed a guy, isn't entirely inclined to disagree. This leads me to the idea that her and I should do something with Jeff and Bobby because I'm dying to force him to meet (spelled that "meat" the first time through, hello freud) and spend time with my friends, and I figure Bobby and Jenn are good choices for the first time being that he's met Jenn briefly, and Bobby's a Metallica fan. So he and Jeff will pretty much indefinitely get along.
I'm doing some stuff and I'm afraid I'll accidentally close this, so I'm gonna post for now and maybe come back later. On with it.
The UK guy/girl/mammal of some sort is back! Hurrah!
Other than that....told Jeff everything I needed to tell him and he was, of course, amazing about it. That's good.
Trying to find dance classes to join with Ricky. I really want to get in shape lately, and it's been a while since I've danced, too.
My mom bought me some sized three reeds for my saxophone and I can't do a thing with them, I should probably practive with them, tonight too. And I want to get started on the top secret project....not that it's really a top secret, so long as you're not from lisbon, you can go ahead and ask. A lot of you from Lisbon can ask anyway, but I can't give away which group.
Nothing special to write...I'll get back later.
On with it.
Other than that....told Jeff everything I needed to tell him and he was, of course, amazing about it. That's good.
Trying to find dance classes to join with Ricky. I really want to get in shape lately, and it's been a while since I've danced, too.
My mom bought me some sized three reeds for my saxophone and I can't do a thing with them, I should probably practive with them, tonight too. And I want to get started on the top secret project....not that it's really a top secret, so long as you're not from lisbon, you can go ahead and ask. A lot of you from Lisbon can ask anyway, but I can't give away which group.
Nothing special to write...I'll get back later.
On with it.
Monday, December 10, 2001
"It's coming on Christmas,
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer and singing
Songs of joy and peace...
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on...."
~Joni Mitchell
The tone and sadness of this song seems like it will be the theme of the mood I will resign myself to if I do not quickly start to resolve the things that have been crippling me lately.
I don't want this shit to take away the happiness that Jeff gives me.....it will though, if I don't work on it. And it will do it damn fast.
I wish I was still in psychology so I could have another shot at doing the cool work we did in that course and making another tape...that was a great assignment. I wish I hadn't done it in two hours the night before it was due.
"For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise
And we never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die
For these sins
We were merely freshmen."
None of you can be held responsible anymore, I am touching my face. Why am I writing like this, am I really all that saddened? Is everything truly this bad? I can't even really feel it anymore...maybe that's what's wrong with my shoulder. Maybe my shoulder is manifesting the pain that the rest of me doesn't want to feel.
8th grade, track meets, listening to this music with Heather and Serena I think and various others. My favorite songs were this and "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. I was still in the top 40 radio part of my life, still content to find meaning in the first available art without ever venturing to the arcane and true. But those songs are every bit as wonderful as all of them.....it's just that I never had to quest to find them for myself, and neither did anyone else of my generation. They were handed to me.
The very beginning of "With or Without You" by U2 is disconcerning. So....chipper-sounding. I'm trying to understand the lyrics to it just now more than I have in the past, but I have to leave for my appointment shortly. I wish the aspirins had set in by now....my shoulder is killing me.
"I can't live
With or without you."
Are my thoughts ever focused? Is my mother home? Am I going to have to ride to the appointment with my father. Does he know about it? What's going on? I should check on that......I feel like writing on this all day. Oh well.
"Nothing to win
And nothing left to lose."
On with it.
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer and singing
Songs of joy and peace...
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on...."
~Joni Mitchell
The tone and sadness of this song seems like it will be the theme of the mood I will resign myself to if I do not quickly start to resolve the things that have been crippling me lately.
I don't want this shit to take away the happiness that Jeff gives me.....it will though, if I don't work on it. And it will do it damn fast.
I wish I was still in psychology so I could have another shot at doing the cool work we did in that course and making another tape...that was a great assignment. I wish I hadn't done it in two hours the night before it was due.
"For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise
And we never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die
For these sins
We were merely freshmen."
None of you can be held responsible anymore, I am touching my face. Why am I writing like this, am I really all that saddened? Is everything truly this bad? I can't even really feel it anymore...maybe that's what's wrong with my shoulder. Maybe my shoulder is manifesting the pain that the rest of me doesn't want to feel.
8th grade, track meets, listening to this music with Heather and Serena I think and various others. My favorite songs were this and "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. I was still in the top 40 radio part of my life, still content to find meaning in the first available art without ever venturing to the arcane and true. But those songs are every bit as wonderful as all of them.....it's just that I never had to quest to find them for myself, and neither did anyone else of my generation. They were handed to me.
The very beginning of "With or Without You" by U2 is disconcerning. So....chipper-sounding. I'm trying to understand the lyrics to it just now more than I have in the past, but I have to leave for my appointment shortly. I wish the aspirins had set in by now....my shoulder is killing me.
"I can't live
With or without you."
Are my thoughts ever focused? Is my mother home? Am I going to have to ride to the appointment with my father. Does he know about it? What's going on? I should check on that......I feel like writing on this all day. Oh well.
"Nothing to win
And nothing left to lose."
On with it.
Jeff did a better job at making me feel okay tonight than I thought he would......he checked the site. He knows I lied to him. He's yet to know what was actually wrong, but I will, and pretty much have to, tell him. If I harbor any hopes whatsoever of this relationship being more successful than past ones.
Derek and I seem to be...doing that weird thing we always used to do, and apparently still do, where we're being pissy towards each other without being willing to admit that we're fighting. I really hate it.
Casey Labrack, a friend of Ben and Nick's that I met two years ago in young writers and pretty much stored in the "people I'll never have any reason to think about again" compartmaent of my memory, is cool shit.
Nick's trying to apologize for not being available lately and I won't let him...either I was more hurt by that than I suspected or Jeff didn't cast as much as a spell on me as I thought he did. I'm trying to be nice right now, to everyone, and it's failing. Or maybe I'm not trying anything. I should be in bed.
I'm wondering if I'm angry at pot for existing or angry at Derek for getting stoned? Or angry at all, or hungry....I'm pretty sure I'm hungry, I'll have some toast before bed.
I sort of miss Elorza. Or something. I wish he could have come up over thanksgiving. I'd really love to see him again.
I'm asunder....blah. I'm out.
My name is Linda and it's been a while since I told you my name. On with it.
Derek and I seem to be...doing that weird thing we always used to do, and apparently still do, where we're being pissy towards each other without being willing to admit that we're fighting. I really hate it.
Casey Labrack, a friend of Ben and Nick's that I met two years ago in young writers and pretty much stored in the "people I'll never have any reason to think about again" compartmaent of my memory, is cool shit.
Nick's trying to apologize for not being available lately and I won't let him...either I was more hurt by that than I suspected or Jeff didn't cast as much as a spell on me as I thought he did. I'm trying to be nice right now, to everyone, and it's failing. Or maybe I'm not trying anything. I should be in bed.
I'm wondering if I'm angry at pot for existing or angry at Derek for getting stoned? Or angry at all, or hungry....I'm pretty sure I'm hungry, I'll have some toast before bed.
I sort of miss Elorza. Or something. I wish he could have come up over thanksgiving. I'd really love to see him again.
I'm asunder....blah. I'm out.
My name is Linda and it's been a while since I told you my name. On with it.
Sunday, December 09, 2001
I miss knowing that people are thinking about me.
Em e-mailed me yesterday with no other intention than to let me know that she missed me....that was good. But in general, I seem to be losing the attentions of a hell of a lot of people very quickly.
Perhaps I've become less special over the past two weeks or so. Is that it?
(Holy god, that was a horrible line.....I'd like to apologize to all of you for how...completely nauseatingly teenaged girlish and clearly guilt-indcucing that was. I'd erase it, but I'd like to punish myself for ever typing it all via public shaming.)
I love Susan Egan's voice. I wish I had the Beauty and the Beast on Broadway Soundtrack.
"She comes round and she goes down on me."
Somehow this line seems appropriate.
I'm going to Jeff's tonight. He hasn't called yet, but I suppose I could call him. I'd get right on that, except I don't really fucking care for once.
"One
And you hold me
And we are broken
Still it's all that I want to do
Just a little now
Feel myself, with a head made of the ground
I'm scared, but I'm not coming down, no no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws now locked in a smile
But nothing is alright, alright.
And I want something else....
To get me through this
Life."
I guess I'm in a Third Eye Blind mood. I'm listening to Jumper now. Haven't listened to it in forever...it was Andrew's favorite song and I didn't want to make the association, I don't know. I'm weird like that.
Words and energy fail me. I'm staring at the moniter and all I really feel, or feel like saying at least, is that life sucks and I'm tired of it and everything and myself and slipping randomly into stream of consciousness. I don't want to feel this way or think at all anymoe I hate it I hate you I hate everything I wish I were stopping this but I don't want to because I can only really write anymoreo when it's on a role but I know Illll pay for this in the morning when people are giving me knowing looks and Mr. leighton has more suicide literature piled on his desk and he plays with it unsure of whether or not to give it to me- don't ., I'm not that fuckling stupid (yes I really am but I don't think it's stupidity really it's just something some people have to do sort of wish I was one of those people I'm not goddamned why do I have to get put through this ) I'nm not looking at the screen thetypoes must be outragous. I wonder what it looks like cna't look up can't look up I shoudl clean cody's cage I always should smells like ammoncia in here there's always something I should be doing that people tell me I should be doing as if I don't know but I can't my arm hurts I haven't done it this way on a computer ever I wonder how long this is or how long it will turn out I wonder when jeff will call the computer just dinged at me and I had to look up. I wonder why it did that I wonder too much I W AWA WA WA WONDER
WHY
WH WH WH WH WHY
SHE WENT AWAY AND I WONDER
WHERE SHE WILL STAYAYAYA< my little runaway, a run run run run runaway, a run run run run runaway.
Do do dod od od dod od doddod...more do's just like the ones from I want something else which is really called semi-charmed life Ben's IM box is blinking at me I should stop to read what he has to say but I'm in some sort of fucked up zone sorta like the way I'm always in some FUCKING HAZE I LIKE TYPING IN CAPS AND USING WORDS LIKE FUCKING AN CUNT! YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT AN D I AM A FUCKING CUNT AND YOU FUCKING DICKHEADS ONLY WANT ME FOR MY CUNT I AM SO DISTURBED RIGHT NOW wy do I can't all this energy when was my last period. the computer dinged at me again the biw is still blkinking I don't mean to ignore you ben but I don't care about it or you or the blinking or anything elseesthely esthely esthely I'm sodamed tired of being who I am "and I can'tget myself to go away , oh god I shouldn't feel this way....reach down your hand in your pockt, now, pull out some hjope for me it's been a long day, always ain'
t that right well god now you're hand won't stop it, just keep me trembling it's been a LONG DAY ALWAYS ain't that right....now now lord ain't that right?
WELL I"M SURPRISED IF YOU BELIEVE IN ANYTHING THAT COMES FROM ME I DIDN"T HEAR FROM YOU OR FROM SOMEONE ELSE AND i'M SO SET IN LIFE MAN A PISSA BEEN WAITING TOO DAMNED BAD YOU GET SO FAR SOO FAST, SO WHAT so long!!!
I miss jeremey Idoesn't he know I loved him loved the way we sat there and quoted things back and forth to each other and had no use for pettiy things like actual conversation unless it was me running errands for him I loved to run errands for him loved to be his heroin wanted to be his heroine goddamn that's poetic Mrs. McKee would be correcting my spelling my nose itches I don't want to lift my hands from the keyboard it is 5:36 pm eastern fuck-my-ass stanrde time and I just speleed "standard" with an E I wish I could see the scre the phone has rung ring ring stoped. I won'der if it's jeff I just put a apostrophe in that, didn't I. No one's calling me, I don't think, can't be jeff, can it, I'm gonna check.
Not jeff. Fucking not jeff I checked on ben he wanted to know if I'm okay I'mn not I haven't been since friday I feel like my whole damned life I'm walking around getting raped I want to know what the hell happened to me to make me constantly feell this way (M.r Leighton is gonna have a goddanmned feild day with my monday morning I'm not looking so much for accuracy, damn it! ) I don't know what I was saying before the parentheses and to check I'd have to look raped. it was about being raped- IO rememberere that without looking up I don't think I canre about the typos I'm typinh this the way I write in my journal I want that back from mr. hall I want to start a new one and tell him I feel raped and have him help me I want mr. hall or mr. lad spelled with only one d to give me the answers to my fucking questions but the thing about mr. hall that's better is that he knows he's fallible- so does mr. ladd except that mr. ladd makes me feel as though I need to do thing s the way he syas I should because he iwise someone just IMEd me and that last sentence went to mark before I could bring myself to a stop this has got to be so trippy by now emily's getting this and now I have three blinking lights waiting for me and I haven't ev en told two of them to wait, ymaybe I have but mark doesn't know and wha....I con't cking know what I was going to say there but I know I spelled don't wit a c I want jeff to call why hasn't he called yet but for once in my life I have someone who needs me, someone I 've needed so long, fo ronce unafraid I can go where ligfe lieadxs me anrd omewhow I know I'll be strong TONY BENNETT IS FUCLL OF SHIT. JEff can't help me right now and Idon't really think anywone can anymore.
I'm gonna answer my beeps I don't want to fuck them fuck society fuck the world fuck tha qwerty fuck this and that and the other Iwant to be leaning against derek on his car like last night and smelling his sweater and I don't care if it doesn't seem platonic I don't even give a fuck anymore if it is anyone who's read this far wouldn't canrea bout what I have to say I'm still editing myself why am I editing mysel to I believe i n editing myself? I don' t know, yes, clearly I do these people want me to answer their IMS and I odn'treally feel any obligation to the m yes I do but I want to be writing this so much more I can't tell why I don't know this wholethingcouldbewone long word ifIstoioppedhittingthespacebaribetthat'sconfusingyourowndamnedfault for trying to read it still.
I told mark to brb.....I'l d vbraighapodfmasklcbszjigknf pha d/job okdsanP{F"Dj hTP}GSLZDFo[dsfdsiuhishishishtishisthishsitshistshisthsihstihsiths tI I hate I want to llililililick you from your head to your tores you ewanna know something? I'm not sexual at all. Idon't really enjoy anythign sexual I do I do it frot he other people it's been a long time since really really liking something enough so that I was doing it for me and not gfor them, primarily sometimes I get kind in to it but not really I hope no on ereads that I hope everyone reads that "There si not parth" godddamned andrew's poetry was fucking long last night Ias making fun of it to derek and shit I miss derek and his sweater he has a nice sweater and he knows who is singing every single fucking song on CYY. I AM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT CYY (or anything else) this feels like I'm goiing into a fit or an orgasm except that goddamn I can' not todo thatand I'm sick and tired of oveersexed males who think I could if theyhad their chance to prove it.
YOU!!!!!!!!# YOU ARE NTO SEXUALLY PROFICIENT ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FEEL ANYTHING LIK ETHAT YET! IT"S NOT WITHOIN THE GODDAMNED LIMITS OF YOUR CAPABILITIES< YOU FAGGOT_SMELLING ASSHOLE GO LICK A RODENT"S ASS.
Miss floyd will probably be upset.....hahaa, no, what am I saying she' still have to be readin g this she
d still have to are and she doesn't not anymore no one does anymore I've become a memory that bpoeple are trying to rid themslves of except that they keep on flashing fuckiong ayt I want derek's swearter and his stomach risins underneath it how is it that I Cgost so cuaght up in the moment and watchinghis sweater and listening to chuck and chase both of whom are so obscenely beautuifyul that they should never walk anywherew tihnout a spotlight on there. THEM HELLLO TO ALL YOU IMBECILES WHO ARE STILL FUCKING READING THIS YOU JER_OFF CUM MAGNET WHRORES SLUT DICKMITTEN
WELCOME TO HOTEL CALIPORNIA
It's such a lovely place
my driver's ed man think sI have a lovely fdace
he's the only one. Mary loou henna.....
ON with it, fuck right man...shit, I don't want this to be over now but it must on withitonwithitonwith tit on with it!!!!!!
Em e-mailed me yesterday with no other intention than to let me know that she missed me....that was good. But in general, I seem to be losing the attentions of a hell of a lot of people very quickly.
Perhaps I've become less special over the past two weeks or so. Is that it?
(Holy god, that was a horrible line.....I'd like to apologize to all of you for how...completely nauseatingly teenaged girlish and clearly guilt-indcucing that was. I'd erase it, but I'd like to punish myself for ever typing it all via public shaming.)
I love Susan Egan's voice. I wish I had the Beauty and the Beast on Broadway Soundtrack.
"She comes round and she goes down on me."
Somehow this line seems appropriate.
I'm going to Jeff's tonight. He hasn't called yet, but I suppose I could call him. I'd get right on that, except I don't really fucking care for once.
"One
And you hold me
And we are broken
Still it's all that I want to do
Just a little now
Feel myself, with a head made of the ground
I'm scared, but I'm not coming down, no no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws now locked in a smile
But nothing is alright, alright.
And I want something else....
To get me through this
Life."
I guess I'm in a Third Eye Blind mood. I'm listening to Jumper now. Haven't listened to it in forever...it was Andrew's favorite song and I didn't want to make the association, I don't know. I'm weird like that.
Words and energy fail me. I'm staring at the moniter and all I really feel, or feel like saying at least, is that life sucks and I'm tired of it and everything and myself and slipping randomly into stream of consciousness. I don't want to feel this way or think at all anymoe I hate it I hate you I hate everything I wish I were stopping this but I don't want to because I can only really write anymoreo when it's on a role but I know Illll pay for this in the morning when people are giving me knowing looks and Mr. leighton has more suicide literature piled on his desk and he plays with it unsure of whether or not to give it to me- don't ., I'm not that fuckling stupid (yes I really am but I don't think it's stupidity really it's just something some people have to do sort of wish I was one of those people I'm not goddamned why do I have to get put through this ) I'nm not looking at the screen thetypoes must be outragous. I wonder what it looks like cna't look up can't look up I shoudl clean cody's cage I always should smells like ammoncia in here there's always something I should be doing that people tell me I should be doing as if I don't know but I can't my arm hurts I haven't done it this way on a computer ever I wonder how long this is or how long it will turn out I wonder when jeff will call the computer just dinged at me and I had to look up. I wonder why it did that I wonder too much I W AWA WA WA WONDER
WHY
WH WH WH WH WHY
SHE WENT AWAY AND I WONDER
WHERE SHE WILL STAYAYAYA< my little runaway, a run run run run runaway, a run run run run runaway.
Do do dod od od dod od doddod...more do's just like the ones from I want something else which is really called semi-charmed life Ben's IM box is blinking at me I should stop to read what he has to say but I'm in some sort of fucked up zone sorta like the way I'm always in some FUCKING HAZE I LIKE TYPING IN CAPS AND USING WORDS LIKE FUCKING AN CUNT! YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT AN D I AM A FUCKING CUNT AND YOU FUCKING DICKHEADS ONLY WANT ME FOR MY CUNT I AM SO DISTURBED RIGHT NOW wy do I can't all this energy when was my last period. the computer dinged at me again the biw is still blkinking I don't mean to ignore you ben but I don't care about it or you or the blinking or anything elseesthely esthely esthely I'm sodamed tired of being who I am "and I can'tget myself to go away , oh god I shouldn't feel this way....reach down your hand in your pockt, now, pull out some hjope for me it's been a long day, always ain'
t that right well god now you're hand won't stop it, just keep me trembling it's been a LONG DAY ALWAYS ain't that right....now now lord ain't that right?
WELL I"M SURPRISED IF YOU BELIEVE IN ANYTHING THAT COMES FROM ME I DIDN"T HEAR FROM YOU OR FROM SOMEONE ELSE AND i'M SO SET IN LIFE MAN A PISSA BEEN WAITING TOO DAMNED BAD YOU GET SO FAR SOO FAST, SO WHAT so long!!!
I miss jeremey Idoesn't he know I loved him loved the way we sat there and quoted things back and forth to each other and had no use for pettiy things like actual conversation unless it was me running errands for him I loved to run errands for him loved to be his heroin wanted to be his heroine goddamn that's poetic Mrs. McKee would be correcting my spelling my nose itches I don't want to lift my hands from the keyboard it is 5:36 pm eastern fuck-my-ass stanrde time and I just speleed "standard" with an E I wish I could see the scre the phone has rung ring ring stoped. I won'der if it's jeff I just put a apostrophe in that, didn't I. No one's calling me, I don't think, can't be jeff, can it, I'm gonna check.
Not jeff. Fucking not jeff I checked on ben he wanted to know if I'm okay I'mn not I haven't been since friday I feel like my whole damned life I'm walking around getting raped I want to know what the hell happened to me to make me constantly feell this way (M.r Leighton is gonna have a goddanmned feild day with my monday morning I'm not looking so much for accuracy, damn it! ) I don't know what I was saying before the parentheses and to check I'd have to look raped. it was about being raped- IO rememberere that without looking up I don't think I canre about the typos I'm typinh this the way I write in my journal I want that back from mr. hall I want to start a new one and tell him I feel raped and have him help me I want mr. hall or mr. lad spelled with only one d to give me the answers to my fucking questions but the thing about mr. hall that's better is that he knows he's fallible- so does mr. ladd except that mr. ladd makes me feel as though I need to do thing s the way he syas I should because he iwise someone just IMEd me and that last sentence went to mark before I could bring myself to a stop this has got to be so trippy by now emily's getting this and now I have three blinking lights waiting for me and I haven't ev en told two of them to wait, ymaybe I have but mark doesn't know and wha....I con't cking know what I was going to say there but I know I spelled don't wit a c I want jeff to call why hasn't he called yet but for once in my life I have someone who needs me, someone I 've needed so long, fo ronce unafraid I can go where ligfe lieadxs me anrd omewhow I know I'll be strong TONY BENNETT IS FUCLL OF SHIT. JEff can't help me right now and Idon't really think anywone can anymore.
I'm gonna answer my beeps I don't want to fuck them fuck society fuck the world fuck tha qwerty fuck this and that and the other Iwant to be leaning against derek on his car like last night and smelling his sweater and I don't care if it doesn't seem platonic I don't even give a fuck anymore if it is anyone who's read this far wouldn't canrea bout what I have to say I'm still editing myself why am I editing mysel to I believe i n editing myself? I don' t know, yes, clearly I do these people want me to answer their IMS and I odn'treally feel any obligation to the m yes I do but I want to be writing this so much more I can't tell why I don't know this wholethingcouldbewone long word ifIstoioppedhittingthespacebaribetthat'sconfusingyourowndamnedfault for trying to read it still.
I told mark to brb.....I'l d vbraighapodfmasklcbszjigknf pha d/job okdsanP{F"Dj hTP}GSLZDFo[dsfdsiuhishishishtishisthishsitshistshisthsihstihsiths tI I hate I want to llililililick you from your head to your tores you ewanna know something? I'm not sexual at all. Idon't really enjoy anythign sexual I do I do it frot he other people it's been a long time since really really liking something enough so that I was doing it for me and not gfor them, primarily sometimes I get kind in to it but not really I hope no on ereads that I hope everyone reads that "There si not parth" godddamned andrew's poetry was fucking long last night Ias making fun of it to derek and shit I miss derek and his sweater he has a nice sweater and he knows who is singing every single fucking song on CYY. I AM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT CYY (or anything else) this feels like I'm goiing into a fit or an orgasm except that goddamn I can' not todo thatand I'm sick and tired of oveersexed males who think I could if theyhad their chance to prove it.
YOU!!!!!!!!# YOU ARE NTO SEXUALLY PROFICIENT ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FEEL ANYTHING LIK ETHAT YET! IT"S NOT WITHOIN THE GODDAMNED LIMITS OF YOUR CAPABILITIES< YOU FAGGOT_SMELLING ASSHOLE GO LICK A RODENT"S ASS.
Miss floyd will probably be upset.....hahaa, no, what am I saying she' still have to be readin g this she
d still have to are and she doesn't not anymore no one does anymore I've become a memory that bpoeple are trying to rid themslves of except that they keep on flashing fuckiong ayt I want derek's swearter and his stomach risins underneath it how is it that I Cgost so cuaght up in the moment and watchinghis sweater and listening to chuck and chase both of whom are so obscenely beautuifyul that they should never walk anywherew tihnout a spotlight on there. THEM HELLLO TO ALL YOU IMBECILES WHO ARE STILL FUCKING READING THIS YOU JER_OFF CUM MAGNET WHRORES SLUT DICKMITTEN
WELCOME TO HOTEL CALIPORNIA
It's such a lovely place
my driver's ed man think sI have a lovely fdace
he's the only one. Mary loou henna.....
ON with it, fuck right man...shit, I don't want this to be over now but it must on withitonwithitonwith tit on with it!!!!!!
Saturday, December 08, 2001
For the first time in a week, I feel like myself.
I am sad.
And I lied to him and told him I didn't have any idea why. It's the first time I've ever lied to him about anything important.
And Derek is an hour and a half late, so apparently I'm gonna end up going to the coffee house without him. And an another Ally McBeal episode is playing. And I feel as though my life has become a series of events that signify that something is fundamentally wrong with me.
And I am frustrated by the fact that now that I've written that, people can think it's there duty to help me and hold that against me when I tell them I'm fine, I don't need it. I am fine, in almost every way, but there's something I have to resolve. And I don't have any idea what it is.
That's not true, either. But I sincerely just don't know how anymore. Though, and I type this, despite it's ruining the feeling of the rest of the post to save me troubles later, I'm fairly sure that it doesn't really involve any of you. At least not until I figure out what the first steps are. (There's one obvious exception to that last statement, but he'll either know who he is or find out.)
On with it.
I am sad.
And I lied to him and told him I didn't have any idea why. It's the first time I've ever lied to him about anything important.
And Derek is an hour and a half late, so apparently I'm gonna end up going to the coffee house without him. And an another Ally McBeal episode is playing. And I feel as though my life has become a series of events that signify that something is fundamentally wrong with me.
And I am frustrated by the fact that now that I've written that, people can think it's there duty to help me and hold that against me when I tell them I'm fine, I don't need it. I am fine, in almost every way, but there's something I have to resolve. And I don't have any idea what it is.
That's not true, either. But I sincerely just don't know how anymore. Though, and I type this, despite it's ruining the feeling of the rest of the post to save me troubles later, I'm fairly sure that it doesn't really involve any of you. At least not until I figure out what the first steps are. (There's one obvious exception to that last statement, but he'll either know who he is or find out.)
On with it.
Wednesday, December 05, 2001
Ah, I wanted to say that the grand thing about it all, as Ben would say, is that at this point in our lives, there's really not very much that could actually stop us if we had enough balls to do all that. Sure, we'd run out of money fairly quickly, but no one could stop us, right now, from starting the adventure and giving it all it's worth- I point this out because it's a beautiful, romantic, freeing notion and because if there ARE teachers reading this, I bet it pisses 'em off that they couldn't.
On with it!
On with it!
So earlier I wrote a nice lengthy post, but blogger ate it for a late dinner. Suffice to say I pointed out that I was too afraid certain people might read my site, unexpectedly, and that would fuck both me and them up the ass. I also sent out a vivacious hello to my fan from across the seas, who checked my site again, according to the hit stats. Other than that, I talked about how I was downloading a little somethin' somethin' to convert a midi into sheet music for me and talked about my renewed interest in making music. I probably said something else, too, but who cares anymore? I hope it gives blogger indigestion!
So I went downstairs and practiced on the old pewter saxophone once I was through with the sheet music thing. The pewter saxophone needs about 500 dollras worth of repairs to work at all.....it's a real struggle playing it the way it is, some keys randomly decide not to work, it needs to be repadded and realigned, etc. But it's tone is soooo much more gorgeous than the new one.
Ben and I are forgetting our troubles together in our plan to take Jeff and Molly and go live in the Ozarks and go have orgies in some abandoned log cabin and not come back until we'd had too many orgasms to go on with it. Now we just have to convince Molly and Jeff...and hope our friends and families won't hate us for randomly leaving for however long...except shit like that is exactly what makes me constantly conspire with people to do things like this- I don't want to be held accountable for anyone's tears anymore. Not right now, anyway. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll wake up just overwhelmed with excitement about the fact that I can, and frequently do, make people feel like shit just by acting like myself, but right now....I'd rather just be sleeping in the warm, fragrant air of the black hills with a lover to one side, a friend to the other, a king-sized matress underneath me and the gorgeous star-filled mountain sky above....and, you know, a complete stranger somewhere else on the bed. But still. I think I'll go to bed dreaming about that tonight.
Ben seems to be rooting for arizona...that'd work too. I don't care that much. Though I'd want to stop at the Ozarks on the way- my favorite book of all time was set there. I always thought it would be gorgeous.
There was SOMETHING else I wanted to say, but having no concept whatsoever anymore of what it was, I think I'll be off. My bed summons sweetly....hmm, summons, good word for my pretty-sounding word list.
On with it....
So I went downstairs and practiced on the old pewter saxophone once I was through with the sheet music thing. The pewter saxophone needs about 500 dollras worth of repairs to work at all.....it's a real struggle playing it the way it is, some keys randomly decide not to work, it needs to be repadded and realigned, etc. But it's tone is soooo much more gorgeous than the new one.
Ben and I are forgetting our troubles together in our plan to take Jeff and Molly and go live in the Ozarks and go have orgies in some abandoned log cabin and not come back until we'd had too many orgasms to go on with it. Now we just have to convince Molly and Jeff...and hope our friends and families won't hate us for randomly leaving for however long...except shit like that is exactly what makes me constantly conspire with people to do things like this- I don't want to be held accountable for anyone's tears anymore. Not right now, anyway. Maybe tomorrow morning I'll wake up just overwhelmed with excitement about the fact that I can, and frequently do, make people feel like shit just by acting like myself, but right now....I'd rather just be sleeping in the warm, fragrant air of the black hills with a lover to one side, a friend to the other, a king-sized matress underneath me and the gorgeous star-filled mountain sky above....and, you know, a complete stranger somewhere else on the bed. But still. I think I'll go to bed dreaming about that tonight.
Ben seems to be rooting for arizona...that'd work too. I don't care that much. Though I'd want to stop at the Ozarks on the way- my favorite book of all time was set there. I always thought it would be gorgeous.
There was SOMETHING else I wanted to say, but having no concept whatsoever anymore of what it was, I think I'll be off. My bed summons sweetly....hmm, summons, good word for my pretty-sounding word list.
On with it....
Tuesday, December 04, 2001
It's a wonder to have a tiny little creature that lives with you. No, no, I am not sappily referring to Austin, I'm talking about Cody, my ferret.
I'll tell you why I ended that sentence with "my ferret"- I decided, on a whim, to check out my counter stats to see where the last fifty of my measley 1,934 hits came from, and I saw that it would seem I have at least one fan- or someone who checks my site regularly, for whatever reason (perhaps he/she intends to instant message me one day, woo me online, propose marraige and use me to get a green card...one never knows), from the united kingdom. This leads me to wonder how many, if any, other unknown site-checkers I might have. I could easily identify most of the IP addresses/server tags (?) on the list....gwi is ben, adelphia I presume is..uh, maybe kris or something? and my umaine fan is Mark. Beyond that...no real idea...but yeah, whatever, not important.
I'm listening to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks right now, which is reminding me, solemnly, of a poem that Andrew wrote for me that he read to me today after I told him what I needed to- I am with Jeff. (Or, uh, something like that. He and I didn't partake in as much discussion of the matter as we did...other actions.) This, for me, is incredibly hood, and the reason that I have been gushing words of goodness lately...though I'm not doing so terribly well today. After the incredibly unpleasant encounter with Andrew- which included being yelled at and having to deal with...well, let's just say, for his sake, intensity, I got locked out of my house after walking home and had to walk to Jenn's house. Jenn and I decided to go to the auburn mall, which was pleasant enough, except that there's nothing like dressing room mirrors to make someone feel bad about themselves and now I think I may be slightly anorexic for the next few days, and I managed to make my leg unbearably soar from all the walking.
This generally wouldn't be enough to ruin a jeff-related high...maybe it was just Andrew or maybe I'm having hormone problems, or maybe I already miss him or something. I don't know. I feel like doing one of two things- calling Jeff in hopes that he can make it better or going to sleep.
Yes, I know, any more mention of the word "Jeff" and we're all going to be sick. I'll try to lay off in the future. Heh, I wrote today- sappy fucking teenaged love poem for him, it was sooooo bad. (Which, in my terms, means sooooo average.) I'm thinking of re-working it, but it'll take a lot to make it less than nauseating.
Speaking of this, my stomach has been a big part of why I've felt pretty shitty lately. Wonder what that's about.
I feel like spending some time in the Jesse-mobile, with the heat and the base blaring and me falling asleep on him.....I wonder if I'm still allowed to fall asleep on people...well, in there laps anyway. I've been basically trying to cut out any activity that may lead to my acting like the slut I can so easily be since jeff and I...became whatever the fuck it is we are. Guess I should get a more definitive idea of that, huh?
I'll call him. I should. He could probably cure my stomach with his voice. (Though that comment probably just did the opposite to all of yours...I will lay off soon, just not yet.)
I have just made plans to go for a ride in the jesse-mobile (as only I call it) tomorrow after driver's ed...this makes me happy. Jesse's car, with his MASSIVE amounts of bass, relaxes the shit out of me for some reason. I'll probably need that by the end of tomorrow. Call it a hunch.
Apparently Jesse's car is named "Bullet". And his explanation of the reason why is quintessential right: "Because it starts fast, but after a while, it slows down."
:-) Am I the only one who feels like laughing their ass of at that?
Perhaps it's Jesse that relaxes me- something about not feeling pressured to actually make conversation when I'm with him. We just sort of sit there and listen to his thunder-music until one of us has a comment to make. It's....well, it takes less intelligence than most of my human interactions do. I like that.
At any rate, I'm gonna take some aspirins, lie down, pray my portable phone is charged and run up the long distance bill, assuming a certain someone is in their dorm. Let's hope...
on with it....
I'll tell you why I ended that sentence with "my ferret"- I decided, on a whim, to check out my counter stats to see where the last fifty of my measley 1,934 hits came from, and I saw that it would seem I have at least one fan- or someone who checks my site regularly, for whatever reason (perhaps he/she intends to instant message me one day, woo me online, propose marraige and use me to get a green card...one never knows), from the united kingdom. This leads me to wonder how many, if any, other unknown site-checkers I might have. I could easily identify most of the IP addresses/server tags (?) on the list....gwi is ben, adelphia I presume is..uh, maybe kris or something? and my umaine fan is Mark. Beyond that...no real idea...but yeah, whatever, not important.
I'm listening to "The Dance" by Garth Brooks right now, which is reminding me, solemnly, of a poem that Andrew wrote for me that he read to me today after I told him what I needed to- I am with Jeff. (Or, uh, something like that. He and I didn't partake in as much discussion of the matter as we did...other actions.) This, for me, is incredibly hood, and the reason that I have been gushing words of goodness lately...though I'm not doing so terribly well today. After the incredibly unpleasant encounter with Andrew- which included being yelled at and having to deal with...well, let's just say, for his sake, intensity, I got locked out of my house after walking home and had to walk to Jenn's house. Jenn and I decided to go to the auburn mall, which was pleasant enough, except that there's nothing like dressing room mirrors to make someone feel bad about themselves and now I think I may be slightly anorexic for the next few days, and I managed to make my leg unbearably soar from all the walking.
This generally wouldn't be enough to ruin a jeff-related high...maybe it was just Andrew or maybe I'm having hormone problems, or maybe I already miss him or something. I don't know. I feel like doing one of two things- calling Jeff in hopes that he can make it better or going to sleep.
Yes, I know, any more mention of the word "Jeff" and we're all going to be sick. I'll try to lay off in the future. Heh, I wrote today- sappy fucking teenaged love poem for him, it was sooooo bad. (Which, in my terms, means sooooo average.) I'm thinking of re-working it, but it'll take a lot to make it less than nauseating.
Speaking of this, my stomach has been a big part of why I've felt pretty shitty lately. Wonder what that's about.
I feel like spending some time in the Jesse-mobile, with the heat and the base blaring and me falling asleep on him.....I wonder if I'm still allowed to fall asleep on people...well, in there laps anyway. I've been basically trying to cut out any activity that may lead to my acting like the slut I can so easily be since jeff and I...became whatever the fuck it is we are. Guess I should get a more definitive idea of that, huh?
I'll call him. I should. He could probably cure my stomach with his voice. (Though that comment probably just did the opposite to all of yours...I will lay off soon, just not yet.)
I have just made plans to go for a ride in the jesse-mobile (as only I call it) tomorrow after driver's ed...this makes me happy. Jesse's car, with his MASSIVE amounts of bass, relaxes the shit out of me for some reason. I'll probably need that by the end of tomorrow. Call it a hunch.
Apparently Jesse's car is named "Bullet". And his explanation of the reason why is quintessential right: "Because it starts fast, but after a while, it slows down."
:-) Am I the only one who feels like laughing their ass of at that?
Perhaps it's Jesse that relaxes me- something about not feeling pressured to actually make conversation when I'm with him. We just sort of sit there and listen to his thunder-music until one of us has a comment to make. It's....well, it takes less intelligence than most of my human interactions do. I like that.
At any rate, I'm gonna take some aspirins, lie down, pray my portable phone is charged and run up the long distance bill, assuming a certain someone is in their dorm. Let's hope...
on with it....
Monday, December 03, 2001
So bored and tired and with so many better things I could be doing....been motivated to do a lot of journal-type shit lately, or just writing, except this is the only thing I can write....other than maybe e-mails.....but I saw jeff twice this weekend and I've got relatively little left to say to him as of write now, and being that he's the only person I really e-mail to.....maybe I should write my newsletter again.
Not tonight though.....I feel like sleeping except that I know I wouldn't be able to do it this early- so many noisy people in my house still awake....and I should do my "why I want and deserve to be the editor of the quill" thing for Mrs. White...I want and deserve to be the editor of the quill because it's my goddamned baby, I'm the only senior on the staff and I've been on it since freshmen year, and because I do everything I can for it, and futhermore, because Andrew and Amber, the only other non-freshmen staff members (that I'm aware of, anyway) both want to give it to me.
Wonder if I could write that and get away with it. It'd be pretty hard to argue with.
I want Mr. Hall to give me my logbook back so I can savor his praise. I want praise lately, damn it! PRAISE ME!
OH shit, Nick's away message is fucking hilarious: What does a l337 h4x0r say? w00t.
What does a l337 c0w say? m00t.
It's funny not only because Nick is waaaaaaay too intelligent to ever use l337 (an internet language for DUMB PEOPLE), but because he so clearly can't do it. I wonder who he's making fun of specifically, if anyone.
"Hey yo
This song is for anyone....
fuck it. Just shut up and listen."
~Eminem, The Way I Am
Austin just burst through the door and I screamed and jumped, like :-) eight feet. (Only Jeff, and possibly Emily, knows why I'm smiling right there....not that Jeff is reading this, so whatev.)
I miss talking to Elorza. It's been a really damned long time.
*Linda sits at her computer and headbangs to Green Day.*
Gonna go level Andrew on (don't hate me!) Well Of Souls. I'll probably back, unless I -hahahaha- decide to do something productive.
On with it.
Not tonight though.....I feel like sleeping except that I know I wouldn't be able to do it this early- so many noisy people in my house still awake....and I should do my "why I want and deserve to be the editor of the quill" thing for Mrs. White...I want and deserve to be the editor of the quill because it's my goddamned baby, I'm the only senior on the staff and I've been on it since freshmen year, and because I do everything I can for it, and futhermore, because Andrew and Amber, the only other non-freshmen staff members (that I'm aware of, anyway) both want to give it to me.
Wonder if I could write that and get away with it. It'd be pretty hard to argue with.
I want Mr. Hall to give me my logbook back so I can savor his praise. I want praise lately, damn it! PRAISE ME!
OH shit, Nick's away message is fucking hilarious: What does a l337 h4x0r say? w00t.
What does a l337 c0w say? m00t.
It's funny not only because Nick is waaaaaaay too intelligent to ever use l337 (an internet language for DUMB PEOPLE), but because he so clearly can't do it. I wonder who he's making fun of specifically, if anyone.
"Hey yo
This song is for anyone....
fuck it. Just shut up and listen."
~Eminem, The Way I Am
Austin just burst through the door and I screamed and jumped, like :-) eight feet. (Only Jeff, and possibly Emily, knows why I'm smiling right there....not that Jeff is reading this, so whatev.)
I miss talking to Elorza. It's been a really damned long time.
*Linda sits at her computer and headbangs to Green Day.*
Gonna go level Andrew on (don't hate me!) Well Of Souls. I'll probably back, unless I -hahahaha- decide to do something productive.
On with it.
Bone Thugs N (and?) Harmony, Crossroads. The sound of this song is transcendent.
And speaking of transcendent, have I mentioned how totally in love I am? (No, not with Mr. L, you pointless internet-obsessed little scandal-seeking vermon) I'll get to it...talking to Andrew tomorrow, after that I can finally just put it all out there.
But, since your morbid curiousities make your pulses pound in middle-aged anticipation, I guess I should include that, yes, seeing Mr. L was excellent. I didn't really bat an eyelash. Sorta like always, except....well, I don't know. Felt more productive or something. Found myself staring at him just thinking "Holy shit...it's Mr. L, right here. I'm talking to him. This is....holy shit." He's one of those people that, for me, sort of glows by virtue of hisself. Maybe it was lighting or something, but somebody should be painting portraits of him. I guess we put halos around people who are saviors to us, though.
He mentioned that he bets every teacher at Lisbon High has read or is reading this- I argued with him, but it's got me curious now. (This, by the way, is where I got the "middle-aged anticipation" reference from) Maybe a few of them, other than those who I know have or are, do....and wouldn't that be great? To have all these people following my life, knowing my mood as I walk down the hallway and thinking about what they had read the night before. Wanting to comment but thinking perhaps that their jobs might be in jeopardy if Dicky-boy found out that, yes, they are one of the many readers of the most private, personal publicized thoughts about Miss Linda H.
Thinking about the teachers there, I don't think it's really possible for most of them...but if any of you are out there and enjoying this, man, you wouldn't be able to put down what Mr. Hall gets to read
I should start writing things for no other reason than to be noteworthy to those who aren't allowed to take note. :-} I'll have to start working on that. And y'all can start a pool as to the exact date when I'll get kicked out of good ol' Lisbon High for good. And never step foot in that place again, just like Stephen King.
Wouldn't it be cool if he were reading this? One of these days, I'm gonna have a fan base.
I think I'd want them (teachers) to be reading it just to give them some sort of renewed sense of how real students actually are. How much we really are people, as much as them, if not moreso. Give them some perspective on how much more we have to care about than fucking overdue book reports and other such educational bull shit. You know what, faculty everywhere? My friends cry, and they need me, and I have a family I'm striving to avoid and a past I'm trying to get ahead of, and a passion for writing and living and loving outside the confines of that academic prison, and every now and then (probably a little more, too) I break down. And it's because of bullshit just like you go through.
To work in a school, as a teacher, is to give more than just a a little of your life to it. But maybe they aren't conscious of the fact that we never chose to be students, and we're off devoting our lives, tentatively, to things that will define who we are every bit as much as being a teacher defines them.
Don't know what to write anymore...
"Now for ten years we've been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rolling stone
But that's now how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
In a voice that came from you and me
Oh, and while the king was looking down
The Jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjurned
No verdict was returned
And while Lennon read a book on Marx
The court kept practice in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died."
~If you don't know what it's from, you suck anyway.
(that quote didn't have any real significance right now....I just like it and it's what I'm playing...)
singing and dancing my way to hell......on with it....
And speaking of transcendent, have I mentioned how totally in love I am? (No, not with Mr. L, you pointless internet-obsessed little scandal-seeking vermon) I'll get to it...talking to Andrew tomorrow, after that I can finally just put it all out there.
But, since your morbid curiousities make your pulses pound in middle-aged anticipation, I guess I should include that, yes, seeing Mr. L was excellent. I didn't really bat an eyelash. Sorta like always, except....well, I don't know. Felt more productive or something. Found myself staring at him just thinking "Holy shit...it's Mr. L, right here. I'm talking to him. This is....holy shit." He's one of those people that, for me, sort of glows by virtue of hisself. Maybe it was lighting or something, but somebody should be painting portraits of him. I guess we put halos around people who are saviors to us, though.
He mentioned that he bets every teacher at Lisbon High has read or is reading this- I argued with him, but it's got me curious now. (This, by the way, is where I got the "middle-aged anticipation" reference from) Maybe a few of them, other than those who I know have or are, do....and wouldn't that be great? To have all these people following my life, knowing my mood as I walk down the hallway and thinking about what they had read the night before. Wanting to comment but thinking perhaps that their jobs might be in jeopardy if Dicky-boy found out that, yes, they are one of the many readers of the most private, personal publicized thoughts about Miss Linda H.
Thinking about the teachers there, I don't think it's really possible for most of them...but if any of you are out there and enjoying this, man, you wouldn't be able to put down what Mr. Hall gets to read
I should start writing things for no other reason than to be noteworthy to those who aren't allowed to take note. :-} I'll have to start working on that. And y'all can start a pool as to the exact date when I'll get kicked out of good ol' Lisbon High for good. And never step foot in that place again, just like Stephen King.
Wouldn't it be cool if he were reading this? One of these days, I'm gonna have a fan base.
I think I'd want them (teachers) to be reading it just to give them some sort of renewed sense of how real students actually are. How much we really are people, as much as them, if not moreso. Give them some perspective on how much more we have to care about than fucking overdue book reports and other such educational bull shit. You know what, faculty everywhere? My friends cry, and they need me, and I have a family I'm striving to avoid and a past I'm trying to get ahead of, and a passion for writing and living and loving outside the confines of that academic prison, and every now and then (probably a little more, too) I break down. And it's because of bullshit just like you go through.
To work in a school, as a teacher, is to give more than just a a little of your life to it. But maybe they aren't conscious of the fact that we never chose to be students, and we're off devoting our lives, tentatively, to things that will define who we are every bit as much as being a teacher defines them.
Don't know what to write anymore...
"Now for ten years we've been on our own
And moss grows fat on a rolling stone
But that's now how it used to be.
When the jester sang for the king and queen
In a coat he borrowed from James Dean
In a voice that came from you and me
Oh, and while the king was looking down
The Jester stole his thorny crown
The courtroom was adjurned
No verdict was returned
And while Lennon read a book on Marx
The court kept practice in the park
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died."
~If you don't know what it's from, you suck anyway.
(that quote didn't have any real significance right now....I just like it and it's what I'm playing...)
singing and dancing my way to hell......on with it....
Things that don't concern me, or aren't ambiguous enough for me to pretend they concern me, or aren't about anybody that my mind is racing over the idea of over and over again that week very very seldomly interest me.
I am probably the most self-centered person I know when it comes to....I don't know, a lot of things. And I don't have a terribly big problem with that.
If it takes a twenty minutes to get to lewiston- and I don't know if it does, then I will be on my way to Mr. Ladd's office in a little over a half hour. Or a little under. How positively......I don't know how I'll feel in the car ride up there, or how hard my hard will be beating or how difficult it will be to breath when I step in the doorway to the Y and look for him. I don't know how it will feel to see him for the first time in almost two years and stare at him, knowing that he is the one I blamed for so much of my pain for so long, that I am definitively caught up in the moment I've been fearing so much and hoping for so unsurely for so long- seeing him again. Holy shit, this is happening today.
Thank god I'm barely conscious of that. I'd have combusted by now.
All part of the "morbid obsession", right?
It feels weird contrasting a weekend that great with a day that started out this badly and a afternoon that promises to be so.....impossibly emotional. First thing this morning, a certain Mr. Mentor decided to get into a Mr. Ladd-bashing session that I reacted to quite strongly, then Ms. Grant got quite unfoundedly angry at me in English- a very frightening experience- and Madame V was upset about this weekend in French- her cat got run over, among other things. That set me off a little, memories of my dog and all that. Study hall and lunch were fine I guess, and in chemistry I used free time to write a fairly depressing song- it's the first thing I've finished even a rough draft of in a damn long time.
I should eat or something.
So, yeah...friends of Linda, prepare for fall out. This could get interesting.
On with it....
I am probably the most self-centered person I know when it comes to....I don't know, a lot of things. And I don't have a terribly big problem with that.
If it takes a twenty minutes to get to lewiston- and I don't know if it does, then I will be on my way to Mr. Ladd's office in a little over a half hour. Or a little under. How positively......I don't know how I'll feel in the car ride up there, or how hard my hard will be beating or how difficult it will be to breath when I step in the doorway to the Y and look for him. I don't know how it will feel to see him for the first time in almost two years and stare at him, knowing that he is the one I blamed for so much of my pain for so long, that I am definitively caught up in the moment I've been fearing so much and hoping for so unsurely for so long- seeing him again. Holy shit, this is happening today.
Thank god I'm barely conscious of that. I'd have combusted by now.
All part of the "morbid obsession", right?
It feels weird contrasting a weekend that great with a day that started out this badly and a afternoon that promises to be so.....impossibly emotional. First thing this morning, a certain Mr. Mentor decided to get into a Mr. Ladd-bashing session that I reacted to quite strongly, then Ms. Grant got quite unfoundedly angry at me in English- a very frightening experience- and Madame V was upset about this weekend in French- her cat got run over, among other things. That set me off a little, memories of my dog and all that. Study hall and lunch were fine I guess, and in chemistry I used free time to write a fairly depressing song- it's the first thing I've finished even a rough draft of in a damn long time.
I should eat or something.
So, yeah...friends of Linda, prepare for fall out. This could get interesting.
On with it....
Sunday, December 02, 2001
Ben and Em are amazing.
Em, having read this site and knowing generally more than the rest of you, e-mails me for no other reason than to let me know that everything's okay so far as she goes and she's happy for me. And she fully encourages my rejoicing to her. She's amazing.
Ben is being trés supportive as well, being that I have just broken up whatever nameless involvement we've had since, like, halfway through Andrew- don't get me wrong, I never actually did anything with Ben while I was with Andrew...well, once, but our relationship certainly wasn't the picture of platonicy.
Not that many of you know why all this has happened yet, but while I've talked to most of the affected parties about it, I've yet to sit down and discuss it with Andrew, and while he probably doesn't check the site, on the offchance that he might, he doesn't deserve to have to read it.
So, yeah....all this excitement puts me in the mood to call Jeff. What a surprise. On with it.
Em, having read this site and knowing generally more than the rest of you, e-mails me for no other reason than to let me know that everything's okay so far as she goes and she's happy for me. And she fully encourages my rejoicing to her. She's amazing.
Ben is being trés supportive as well, being that I have just broken up whatever nameless involvement we've had since, like, halfway through Andrew- don't get me wrong, I never actually did anything with Ben while I was with Andrew...well, once, but our relationship certainly wasn't the picture of platonicy.
Not that many of you know why all this has happened yet, but while I've talked to most of the affected parties about it, I've yet to sit down and discuss it with Andrew, and while he probably doesn't check the site, on the offchance that he might, he doesn't deserve to have to read it.
So, yeah....all this excitement puts me in the mood to call Jeff. What a surprise. On with it.
Fucking ay! Good goddamned weekend!
SATs were so nothing to get stressed over, went out with Jenn afterwards, bought some shit, ate lunch at *pizza hut*, Ryan cancelled on me but I went with my mom and got popcorn chicken for dinner, went to Triangle Sleep, watched them- fucking awesome- finally talked to Derek (in person) for some respectable amount of time, as well as Jeremiah Freed, whom me, Mark (lead sing of tri sleep), and some misc. others **got into a very casual conversation with afterwards for like a half hour**, caught a ride with Mark to Denny's where a whole shitload of us went afterward, got on a caffeine high and wrote on a napkin for a while, talked with Mark- such an awesome guy- went home shoved in the back seat with John Teft, an amplifier, some sort of dial-oriented thing and two guitars, went upstairs and the computer was already on, as if waiting for me.
And while I can't really disclose a lot of events of last night until I've had a chance to discuss it on a more personal level with everyone it's going to affect- which is a disturbingly large amount- let's just say if I had to make the decision, I'd trade in like eighty todays for yesterday.
And, yeah, seeing Jeff tomorrow (much later today), so all in all, the weekend has been *fabulous*. Enough to make me start using Emily-type words like *fabulous*.
So basically, aside from the horrid pain that the mixture of excessive amonts of caffeine (even for me), pizza hut (Heeeellllllloooooo, lactose intolerance!) and popcorn chicken (what's that? Fried food? My stomach doesn't do fried food.) is creating...and hell, even including it, I'm in a damned good mood right now.
Wish I knew Jeremiah Freed's music enough to quote them right here just to make myself feel even better that I totally met them (totally! God, my good mood is strangling the profundity of my vocabulary), but I don't listen to the radio. (Shut up, shut up! I know the irony when I see it!)
So instead, let me just do my best to reiterate the riff from scarlett (by "triangle sheep", as CYY called them on air) that I've had in my head all damned night:
"Do do do do DOOO do dooo do do do DOOO dooo Doo do...."
ON WITH IT!!!!!! (multiple explanation points SUCK!!!!!!!!!!)
SATs were so nothing to get stressed over, went out with Jenn afterwards, bought some shit, ate lunch at *pizza hut*, Ryan cancelled on me but I went with my mom and got popcorn chicken for dinner, went to Triangle Sleep, watched them- fucking awesome- finally talked to Derek (in person) for some respectable amount of time, as well as Jeremiah Freed, whom me, Mark (lead sing of tri sleep), and some misc. others **got into a very casual conversation with afterwards for like a half hour**, caught a ride with Mark to Denny's where a whole shitload of us went afterward, got on a caffeine high and wrote on a napkin for a while, talked with Mark- such an awesome guy- went home shoved in the back seat with John Teft, an amplifier, some sort of dial-oriented thing and two guitars, went upstairs and the computer was already on, as if waiting for me.
And while I can't really disclose a lot of events of last night until I've had a chance to discuss it on a more personal level with everyone it's going to affect- which is a disturbingly large amount- let's just say if I had to make the decision, I'd trade in like eighty todays for yesterday.
And, yeah, seeing Jeff tomorrow (much later today), so all in all, the weekend has been *fabulous*. Enough to make me start using Emily-type words like *fabulous*.
So basically, aside from the horrid pain that the mixture of excessive amonts of caffeine (even for me), pizza hut (Heeeellllllloooooo, lactose intolerance!) and popcorn chicken (what's that? Fried food? My stomach doesn't do fried food.) is creating...and hell, even including it, I'm in a damned good mood right now.
Wish I knew Jeremiah Freed's music enough to quote them right here just to make myself feel even better that I totally met them (totally! God, my good mood is strangling the profundity of my vocabulary), but I don't listen to the radio. (Shut up, shut up! I know the irony when I see it!)
So instead, let me just do my best to reiterate the riff from scarlett (by "triangle sheep", as CYY called them on air) that I've had in my head all damned night:
"Do do do do DOOO do dooo do do do DOOO dooo Doo do...."
ON WITH IT!!!!!! (multiple explanation points SUCK!!!!!!!!!!)
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