Saturday, December 22, 2001

I'm trying to file all of my saved AIM conversations in folders named for who they were with. This could take a while.

I have 1,019 saved AIM conversations.

I have just found one that I saved that was merely Nick leaving a message to my away message, in which all he said was:

Babe, I fucking love you. :-)

Ugh! I need my friends back! I miss them!!!! (Yes, it's one of those whiny expressions that requires multiple explanation points)

Okay, I've been filing and on the phone with mark and all sorts of other stuff for like an hour since that last sentence, and for a couple of minutes directly proceeding right now, I was shaking uncontrollably. I think I will be again once I stop typing. I'm emotional about SOMETHING, but I don't quite know what yet.

I have just read over one conversation I had with Jeremey about Elorza and one conversation I had with Elorza about Jeremey. In the one with Elorza, I pasted part of something that I had written about both of them earlier:

"You make me laugh and I can feel my heart sigh with a magnificient pressing relief. You make the rest of the world feel like strangers- I take candy only from you. When I'm with you there are parts of me smiling I didn't know I had. You make it all downhill from here- in a convertible with the wind blowing through our hair and an endless sunset and we'd always have 20/20 vision. I n a world full of you, I want to live. I want to wake up in a bed of you after a night of breathing you in to stretch my forearms through you, look out the window and see you shining down on little contently insignificant me with fingers outstrecthed just to touch more of you. I keep my eyes open just for the chance to see you. You are so much you, you make me better."

I wrote that for two people who made my life magical.....and who continue to do so no more. Or, in Elorza's case, very seldomly. It's not his fault at all- I wouldn't be attached to this machine at the hip, either, if I had the choice, but someof us don't have cars. Still...all of my friends have this odd duality- if one is mistreating me, or something is wrong in my friendship with one, there's always one specific friend who can cheer me up. They're all assigned to each other- for clarification purposes, If Bob pisses me off, Annie is the only one who can make me really feel better and if Annie pisses me off, Bob is. The problem now is that Jeremey and Elorza were paired off like that, and still are. Which is a big part of why I'm not coping with this at all.

I think that Jeff is the only person with whom my relationship right now is anywhere near as good as it should be. People are wonderful, don't get me wrong, but my connectiojs with them are all off right now. Jenn's working all the time, Emily's....I don't know, just not good lately, I've mentioned a dozen times that I have limited contact with my auburn boys, and....well, there just hasn't been much contact with anyone really. It's bad.

Casey Labrack continues to impress me. His away message: "I'm playing a game online just for the thrill of having hundreds of hardcore gamers and "l33t haX0rs" call me a "fag" or "fa9()t", respectively." The intelligence of that drives me wild with "I want to know you"-ness. So many people in this world I just want to be able to feel comfortable in having a conversation with, like it's within my rights to assume that we're friends and that we have some kind of connection. People I just want to say "we need to hang out sometime soon" to and have them reciporcate. People I just plain want to get to know. Casey's on the top of that list....actually, he's sort of second to Mitch Harmon, who may or may not still check this site since the one time I sent him to.

Mitch is amazingly cool shit. Firstly, he's the one person in the school who still actively tries to frustrate me, and I really don't get along with anyone very much who isn't basically a jerk. Secondly, apparently he's intelligent- he can write. Poetry, in fact. That's a rare thing in any male, especially one who goes to Lisbon High School. Third, he apparently has the same sort of dark side that I do- a few days ago we managed to get into a conversation- for a limited amount of time- that did not involve insulting each other's professions in a business simulation for Business Management class or cheating in French. We talked about suicide, and preferred methods (in a purely hypothetical way, Lisbon High School! Don't you go sending HIM to St. Mary's) and how neither of us wants to get old and which movies we most admired the character's suicides in. It was fantastic to be able to be that morbid to someone I barely know. He reminds me a LOT of Elorza....not the suicide stuff, other things. Like I said, he's cool shit.

If you're reading this though, Mitch, I will NEVER admit to not hating you to your face. NEVER.

I want to be friends with these people but it's fucked- I haven't even been able to keep all the friendships I already have kept up.

Jesus Christ, it's almost Christmas. I didn't even realize this until I was looking at my MP3 list and saw my mom's favorite christmas song on it, and decided to play it rationalizing (11:11, I love you...someone) that it's almost Christmas, so it's not bad to listen to Christmas music. It doesn't much feel like it- it did, earlier today. I ended up going to Wal*Mart with George and in the car we listened to John Denver. John Denver is very quintessentially christmas. We listened to "The Toy" or whatever it is that it's called.

"It went Zip! when it moved
And Bob! when it stopped
And Br-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r! when it stood still!
I never knew just what it was
And I guess I never will."

When Rob, George's brother, began singing along with that I was delighted in a way I cannot possibly express. In a car with this hardened bastard sophomore who works double time at being bitchy to people and using the word "fuck" as much as possible, and he was sinigng along to "The Toy" (or whatever) and rolling his R's- it was wonderful. I do so love Rob. I hope he and Jessica get married and continue nauseating people in public places forever.

I'm still online basically in hopes that eventually Mitch or Elorza or....well, probably no one else, that I can think of, will make an appearance eventually. Really really unlikely, but whatever. I want them too. I think I might want to talk to Andrew,'s been a while. Since I've really wanted to, that is. I haven't wanted to deal with the stress of post-relationship issues lately. I haven't wanted to deal with anything.

There's this online guy, Jeff, who is in no way the same Jeff, but a Jeff from Maryland, and write now his away message is as follows: "For my confession, they burned me. For my wife, they tortured me. For my son, they humiliated me. For my daughter, they enraged me. For my life, they brought only coal." This intrigues and confuses me. I want to know what it's from and what it means, though I'm not sure I want to get dragged into whatever conversation will follow it, which is odd- I truly enjoy talking to this guy. I guess I'm just not in that place right now.

My period is late- my mother informed me yesterday, with suspicion in her voice, that I'm on my 37th day. (Heh heh, 37!) (<-most of you won't get that sad) I reacted to her suspiscion with....fuck, what's the word. Indignance. I reacted to her suspiscion with indignance and probably reiterated that I do NOT plan to have sex until I'm 18. She doesn't seem to get that. When Jeff came to pick me up she made a point to tell us both to have fun, but not too much. Poor dumb delusional mother. (I should be careful, the last time I wrote something bad about her on this, she discovered it when I accidentally left it open and went just somewhat insane- it was BAD) At any rate, the whole point of this paragraph was to point out that there's a great chance this might simply be PMS, and I'm really hoping that's it.

Once you use italics once, you get in a sort of italics mode and keep doing it. It's pretty annoying.

ugh...SO do not want to be online. Actually, in reality I want to go downstairs and eat somethign and watch exactly a half-hour of TV, hoping some sitcom reruns, especially the Golden Girls or maybe Frasier, will be on, and then come back online to check the Mitch/Elorza/anyone else status at midnight. See how many messages will amass for me.

I think I shall do that. Quickly, before I lose the urge and it's no longer a clean half-hour to catch the whole show. On with it!!!!