Saturday, June 14, 2003

Wow. I haven't updated the blog for a while, and suddenly it's very different. This must be the influence of the google network. I hope this keeps out the damned bugs that have scared me, for the most part, to the point of not writing in here.

I haven't really been writing in general, which is not to say that I have not been working towards my forwarding my career in writing...or, rather, my alleged future career. My ambition has taken a great leap forward in recent times, which I attribute to the forty hour work weeks I've been putting in at Burger King. Something about doing a job that a trained monkey could easily excel in has me more motivated than I've been in a long, long time. There are only so many Chicken Whoppers one can sell before the soul goes on vacation.

I'm noticing, right now, that not writing has taken a far larger toll on my abilities than anticipated. I'm stopping, more and more often, to remember the words I want, failing at that, trying to rephrase and having it come out awkward and clumsy. Writing meaning what it does to me, this is not a way to live-- buried alive in two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun. (I'm aware this is a McDonald's thing, but we have a BK counterpart of that sandwich, The King Supreme. Woot.)

All is not lost, though. I am currently working on a project which I fully expect to yield at least some results in my attempts to scratch and claw out of this life. I'm witholding details from most, as I find that I work better with absolutely no expectations on me, on top of which their seem to be a barrage of people eager to copy my idea every time I explain. Suffice to say, there is no glamour or prestige in my current project, just a small, barely visible oppurtunity that I believe may eventually open some doors for me. It's not much, but it doesn't involve special sauce.

As far as the rest of my life goes, I can safely say that my undying hatred of my little highway Burger King is my biggest problem right now. I've resolved some things between Casey and I, at least, come to the decision that will eventually lead to their being resolved, and Zack and I are as strong as ever. I have bouts of unhappiness with everything and anything, but they're getting fewer and far between. The vaginismus problem hasn't gone very far in either direction, but I've done some research about options that seem at least possibly helpful and far less painful than the traditional ones, and I don't intend to linger in limbo too much longer about this. I expect that I'll be in a world of shit in the near future, with at least one of the few people that I've seemingly just phased out of my life: Don't ask me why this phenomena has occured. I suspect that working so much has just depleted my desire to interact socially or emotionally with people, but I've never had so much disregard for my interpersonal obligations before. I'm sure I'll regret it when the shit hits the fan a few weeks from now, but for now, I like having my free time. And I like being with Zack, better than I like being with anyone else. I've never prioritized a romance over friendships before, but...well, some things in life just beat others. And my old, ever-giving self who hurts for the pain of everybody else was really wearing on me.

And, lastly on my list of resolved problems, etc., I've bought myself a new diskman. Cheap, 20 dollar thing, but it plays, and dependably. This is more important than I would have imagined before I went so long without-- there's a feeling I associate with diskmen that I never experienced before the very first time I held one. It's akin to the blissful feeling of ownership one sometimes has with material objects they cherish, but mixed with a kind of peaceful seperation from the rest of soceity. Wearing one and walking, or playing basketball, or riding my bike, or just being in my house...I'm within the world, but the world is not within me. I've replaced the stressing noises with my own soundtrack of life, and that makes me more relaxed and reflective. I see everyone, but I listen to none of their shit. I think Lisbon is meant to be seen and not heard.

On the down side, Mom vedoed a hypothetical trip I mean to plan to New York this weekend. That money, however, may be going towards buying myself a new bike through a guy Nick knows, and that's fine with me. I find there's an athlete within me I've spent much of my life denying, probably too infused with performance anxiety, or still bitter from not making the soccer team in sixth grade. But being physical undoubtedly brings something out in me that I love, and I've always, always loved biking: my whole life, I've loved the freedom of it, the ability to move by my own power. Biking brings back the years of youth I spent mostly on two wheels, and with life rushing by 10,000 whoppers at a time, I need all the nostalgia I can get.

My name is Linda: would you like fries with that? On with it.