Saturday, November 17, 2001

The taste of almonds I was still chewing, the smell of Jeff and his arms around me, and Tony Bennett crooning out of the CD player on the top of my refridgerator conspired to make my kitchen into a dream world....except that it doesn't have to be my kitchen, or his apartment, or Tony Bennett or almonds or anything, Jeff makes life a dream. A movie. If they made Jeff and I into a feature film- yes, I just used the phrase "feature film"- then it would become an instant classic. Women would swoon at the idea of having a best friend the way that I have him. How many women can claim that there is anyone in their life wonderful enough to ask them to dance in their kitchen to Tony Bennett and then, when tactlessly rejected by the foolish girl who does not know how to say yes to foolish-seeming things even though she understands fully that it would be purely wonderful, begin to dance by himself, looking idiotic, to coax her into accepting his offer? Is it everyday that someone can love as genuinely and perfectly as I love him, and have that reciporcated in every way that they need it to be?

I don't care if y'all think I'm in love with him, it doesn't matter. Spending the rest of my life with him would be a blessing like no other, no matter how we did it. If I should become romantically involved with Jeff one day, I would know that I was incredibly fortunate to be a part of that relationship. If we remain the way we are, I will still climb to cloud nine every time I hold his hand simply for knowing that he is my best friend and that he loves me, and that I love him.

People who hurt themselves don't have a Jeff. Maybe that's because I took him.

I'm sick and tired of justifying the platonicy of our relationship to everyone else: he is merely the most important person in the world to me, and he gives me the most incredibly happy moments of my life.

Tonight was astounding. As ever. On with it.

"For once in my life I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long...."

Tuesday, November 13, 2001

So right now I'm worried about the previously mentioned him, obviously- went to the funeral today, apparently his aunt was impressed that I had gone- it didn't even occur to me, for a moment, that I wouldn't be expected to be there...or maybe not so much thtat they would have expected me not to go, I guess I just never thought that anyone in my position wouldn't, and yet out of our entire generation there, I was the only one there as a friend of him or his brother or cousin (I think.) This bothers me. If one of my parents died, would my friend neglect to skip a single day of school to come to the funeral? Would they not even show at the wake?

Isn't it, at times like these, somewhat instinctual to take care of the people you care about, to do everything in your power to keep them as emotionally sound as is at all possible? Don't situations like these warrant putting someone else first? I'm confused.....It didn't occur to me that I was doing anything special in being there, in fact, I am fairly sure it was the bare minimum. I guess I'm pissed off and scared...I guess I've just realized that I don't really think anybody's been doing anything to take care of me lately, either. Granted, my parents are alive, but things have been coming down all around me....and when I really want help, I'm really, really blatant about it. There are people in my life who might have been able to make it to my last few breakdowns with a little bit of self-sacrifice...granted, there are plenty who never could have, but is it really so much to ask that....maybe I don't know what I'm asking for at all.

I know that he, for instance, would probably have done anything he could have for me. Maybe I'm just upset that I'm not sure about anyone else.

On with it.