Emily and I are communicating....a few good things came out of the emotions of a few days ago. This is one of them. I hope.


I downloaded a great deal of music yesterday, one of them is Leonard Cohen- who is WHITE, surprisingly as hell- and some chick singing together a song called "Alexandra Leaving"- It's about some poem, and I guess I'd need to read it to really understand, but the emotions are very much there, and I'm loving the song.

And with very little time left to blog, I'd like to mention that Mitch has given me an unique elation today, and do my little shout-out thing. Mitch is an incredible human being...just the kind I need around me right now.

On with me.

Jacquie and I are on a douche crusade!

Jacquie: you know what's the best store?
Jacquie: the dollar store. it has everything
SuedeCaramel: :-D I'm so glad you said that
SuedeCaramel: I totally agree. It's so hard to convince people, though!
Jacquie: i bought "Hello My Name Is" stickers, and i'm going to wear them to school
SuedeCaramel: Once I bought a marker there and some posterboard, and I sat outside the place and made oversized cards to give to strangers
SuedeCaramel: but I only had the nerve to hand out one of them
Jacquie: but i'm not going to put jacquie, i'm going to put something else just to amuse myself
Jacquie: HAHA!!!! that's bold
Jacquie: i wouldn't even give out one! i'm a wuss
Jacquie: i'd say hey here's a...nevermind! and scurry away like a chipmunk
SuedeCaramel: :-) it took me a while
SuedeCaramel: okay, here's something-
SuedeCaramel: at YOUR dollar stores, do they sell fucking douches?
Jacquie: YES!!!!!!!!!!!
SuedeCaramel: WHAT THE HELL IS WITH THAT?
Jacquie: I saw it, and i was like, holy crap!
Jacquie: i don't know!
Jacquie: they had like 3 different kinds too!
SuedeCaramel: I have this plan, and I've had it for a while, to one day go in there, by nothing but fifty dollars worth of douches, and walk out
SuedeCaramel: to make one, simple point-
SuedeCaramel: it's DISGUSTING TO SELL DOUCHES AT DOLLAR STORES
Jacquie: HAHAHAHAHAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
SuedeCaramel: I think I should make it into a crusade, actually
SuedeCaramel: I'll go across the country and buy 10 or so from EVERY dollar store
Jacquie: the douche tirade!
SuedeCaramel: maybe I'll get a sponsor so I can buy out there whole stock
Jacquie: HAHA!!!
SuedeCaramel: and then burn it in the streets of omaha!
Jacquie: omaha! it's genuis!
SuedeCaramel: (becuase it's the first city that came to mind)
Jacquie: that's great, i'll do it with you
SuedeCaramel: ....let's improvise poetry about it
Jacquie: the lady on the douche box was holding a rose or something...??
SuedeCaramel: I'll write one line, you write the next...
SuedeCaramel: yes, yes she was!
Jacquie: ok! i love doing this
SuedeCaramel: Ahem, I'll start-
Jacquie: ok...

And, with a little editing, this was the result:

SuedeCaramel: The smell of burning douchebags in the streets of the city
Jacquie: made young children and horny old men oh so giddy
SuedeCaramel: The sun was setting and the stars were itty-bitty
Jacquie: The dollar tree customers ponder at this disgusting sight
SuedeCaramel: And let the demons of their imaginations grow unto new height
Jacquie: and mothers cover their children's eyes, who look away with all their might...
SuedeCaramel: Two girls danced in victory as the flames grew higher
Jacquie: after the bonfire flames smoldered, they threw 22 douchebags on some mire
SuedeCaramel: They knew that they had burned all evil in the pire!
Jacquie: many dollar stores beheld this sight, and packed the douchebags away...
SuedeCaramel: And that is the tale of Jacquie and Linda, who saved the day!


My name is Linda, and me and Jacquie WILL save the world from dollar-store douches! On with it.

So I guess things between me and person I was previously having a problem with are...as worked out as they're going to be. What's past is past, and I still love him. I guess if things start happening again, we've got a bit of a problem, but for now, we're okay.


While I was in my brokedown state, Emily offered support from a far. This makes me feel good, like despite everything we still have some sort of connection. I don't like the way things ended between us, but it wasn't my choice, so I guess I'll work with what I have.


I'm really sore and tired, and considering how soon I'm going back to school, I think I might decide just to go to sleep, to start resetting my circadian clock. I've had really really fucked up sleeping...rituals lately, especially last night.....ugh. So I guess it's in my best interest NOT to stay up till 4 am again tonight.


Nothign to say anymore, so I ain't gonna try and say it. That's the NEW motto of "you must be very bored". On with it.

Fun with the internet, at 4 AM, when you couldn't fucking sleep if you tried.

SuedeCaramel: are you a dyke, ellegirl?
ELLEgirlBuddy: uh... whatever...
SuedeCaramel: are you?
ELLEgirlBuddy: i dunno... am i?
SuedeCaramel: I think you are.
ELLEgirlBuddy: izzat a fact?
SuedeCaramel: Oh, izza fact, sweet puss, izza fact
ELLEgirlBuddy: izza fact sweet puss izza fact? what's that supposed to mean?
SuedeCaramel: That's supposed to mean that it's a fact, and that I think you got a sweet-tastin' puss....
ELLEgirlBuddy: interesting. so u think that's supposed to mean that its a fact and that i think you got a sweet-tastin puss, huh?
SuedeCaramel: Well, I don't know for sure
ELLEgirlBuddy: well i dont know for sure, u say?
SuedeCaramel: No, I don't. But you can let me find out
ELLEgirlBuddy: no?
SuedeCaramel: You can let me find out
ELLEgirlBuddy: find out what?
SuedeCaramel: What you taste like, honey
ELLEgirlBuddy: i'll have to think about that!
SuedeCaramel: Don't think too long. I can only wait for a while
ELLEgirlBuddy: i'll have to think about that!
SuedeCaramel: hurry up, sugar-nips
ELLEgirlBuddy: 'scuse me?
SuedeCaramel: I said hurry up
ELLEgirlBuddy: really?
SuedeCaramel: yeah, you heard me
ELLEgirlBuddy: hmm... maybe, but could u repeat yourself?
SuedeCaramel: Okay, I'll make it really, really clear- I want you to make up your mind to spread those sweet cyber legs of yours so I can lick your insides clean with my long, red tongue
ELLEgirlBuddy: that was too long for me to understand! please try something shorter.
SuedeCaramel: I want to eat you until you scream my name.
ELLEgirlBuddy: oh really?
SuedeCaramel: yes, really
ELLEgirlBuddy: oh.
SuedeCaramel: do you want me to?
ELLEgirlBuddy: i'm actually not sure if i want you to.
SuedeCaramel: I can make you sure
ELLEgirlBuddy: no kidding?
SuedeCaramel: no kidding, pumpkin' thighs
ELLEgirlBuddy: no, huh?
SuedeCaramel: yes.
ELLEgirlBuddy: that right?
SuedeCaramel: oh, it's soooo right
ELLEgirlBuddy: really?
SuedeCaramel: yes, really
ELLEgirlBuddy: golly!
SuedeCaramel: Good golly, Miss Molly, I'm gonna use you to get my jollies....
ELLEgirlBuddy: oh yeah? good golly miss molly you're gonna use me to get my jollies, huh?
SuedeCaramel: you said it, angel food cake
ELLEgirlBuddy: i said no such thing!
SuedeCaramel: Oh, I think you did
ELLEgirlBuddy: u do? wow.
SuedeCaramel: it makes me SO HOT when you use the letter U instead of the actual word....you cute little thing
ELLEgirlBuddy: i'm not sure if it makes you so hot when me use the letter u instead of the actual word you cute little thing.
SuedeCaramel: I think you are
ELLEgirlBuddy: that right?
SuedeCaramel: yeah, it's right
ELLEgirlBuddy: yup.

yeah. anyway...
SuedeCaramel: anyway you want it
ELLEgirlBuddy: oh really?
SuedeCaramel: yes it is
ELLEgirlBuddy: is it really?
SuedeCaramel: I can slide into you like a snake, baby
ELLEgirlBuddy: you can slide into i like a snake baby? u sure 'bout that?
SuedeCaramel: oh, very sure
ELLEgirlBuddy: very sure? what's that supposed to mean?
SuedeCaramel: I'm touching myself, darling
ELLEgirlBuddy: you're touching yourself darling??
SuedeCaramel: yep
ELLEgirlBuddy: huh.
SuedeCaramel: you doing it to?
ELLEgirlBuddy: ok, so i doing it to.
SuedeCaramel: :-) good
ELLEgirlBuddy: if you're happy, i'm happy! ;-)
SuedeCaramel: let's stay happy
ELLEgirlBuddy: yes!
SuedeCaramel: mmmm, yessss....yes yes yes....


That's right, My name is Linda, and I successfully cyber screwed a bot. On with it.

It NEVER FUCKING FAILS, does it? Something goes right in your life, something big and important, something that could start to make everything else feel wonderful and better, and all of a sudden you have to go and stumble on something that just fucking rips it apart again GOD DAMN HIM FOR DOING THIS TO ME NOW.


You want to know what's happened in the last few days? Do you?

~Got rejected from New School
~Found out that Cathy and Tony are going to be living here and torturing me FOR AN ETERNITY
~My house exploded today and, in that, came the most important event of my....pseudo-adult life: my father told me and my sister that he loves us. He told us that he'd do anything for us. He fucking cried. So many wrongs were suddenly forced into right, so many things were instantly forgiven- I know my father loves me, and I have to start changning things around now and coming to terms with the fact that for the past 5 years, I've been living without this incredibly important thing, letting it ruin my life and make me who I am and I suddenly I have it back, without any real rhyme or reason. Suddenly, everything that's anything has changed.
~I tiptoed a very very close line tonight. I could have very easily "messed up". But hell, there are worse ways to fuck up a relationship, as someone ELSE involved has CLEEEEAAAAAAARLLLLLYYYYYYYY demonstrated.


He's been lying, and it's important, and I need Emily right now to hate him for me and to tell me how wrong he is and to hold me and to love me, but I lost HER too. Who's left of the fucking fab five that I can trust, huh?

Snogs to Elorza, Baby, snogs to Elorza. The ever-distant New Jersian with whom I have about four lines of meaningful dialogue with per month! But at least he can't hurt me, not anymore than he already has.

WHO GIVES A FUCK ANYMORE, RIGHT? I'LL GO CRY TO MY BRAND-SPANKIN' NEW FATHER!

My names Linda and I FUCKING BLED FOR YOU. On with it.

WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY do I let curiousity get the better of me?


GGAAAAAaAAAAAHAHHHHWHWWWWWW I wish there were just some fucking magic switch to press and totally erase any records of someone's existence in our minds! Fuckity fuckity fuckity........


Too bad it's after midnight, or that title would have been fucking undefeatable at this point.


And, speaking of WHY WHY WHY, WHY do I make references to shit that happens to me that I CAN'T explain on here. GAWD, I hate having secrets.


My name is Linda, and I am a stupid, stupid masochist. On with it.

While it's been a while since I've read it, and admittedly I didn't read the whole week just now, I still have to stand up and state how amazing Jacquie's blog is! I'm still your biggest fan, Jacquie!

On with it.

Today has been, for reasons that will remain pretty much entirely unexplained, probably the most emotional day of my life.


The title was claimed this morning, WELL before Chad came over, but I suppose today wanted to make sure it's title was safe for a long, long time, because it worked above and beyond after he arrived.


However, that was pretty much in a good way, and it was wonderful to see him again....shout-out to the Chad-ster, the master of Linda nose massage.

*Sigh* On with it.

Victory...(tonight, I mean)


Okay, I swear- I'm going to start writing the newsletter again. I think I'm going to start preparing tonight, but if I don't finish, I swear it will be sent out by the end of vacation. You all have my permission to hunt me down and shove pointy...tongues up my ass if I don't deliver. But hell, you could do that anyway.

Last chance to subscribe, y'all. E-mail me and let me know....Just Say Yes!
(in case that link doesn't work, it's SuedeCaramel@dog.com)

~On with it.

Fixed my computer. Because I'm a genius and all that. Found something out- it wasn't as big a loss as I thought. The internet was, remains, and probably always will be, boring shit.

"Adams Song" by Blink 182. One of the first...fifty or so songs I ever downloaded, I haven't listened to it in a very long time. I love it.

"I never conquered
Rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
I couldn't wait to get outside."

.....16. For me. Dating Mark. I remember the birthday party. Wonderful and shitty all at the same time. Spent the time sitting on Jeremey's lap groping his elbows next to Mark.

Just another thing to miss about Jeremey. His elbows. His gorgeous skin. Him.

I have closure issues or some shit, apparently. I don't say goodbye to people, ever. This is probably why I end up listening to and loving songs that I can relate to about suicide and all that melodramatic bullshit.

"I never thought
I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest
Who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder, it was never plugged in at all
I took my time
I hurried up
The choice was mine
I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed
To go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone."

But fuck it. Who wants to talk about hurting, think about loving, or know about losing? Let's go on.


Speaking of people I've missed the shit out of, I'm seeing Ben tonight. Finally. I haven't seen him since....last time. It won't be like that this time. I chose to stay away from him to protect...a lot of people from the fact that he and I tend to screw people over when we're together, but it'd be bullshit to pretend I could live without him. Ben's amazing. Ben's one of the best people I've ever met in my life. I love Ben, and I have missed the shit out of him. Tonight will be good. Just good.

Seeing Chad tomorrow, I think. Love him, too. A lot. His manner, awkwardness and gentility thrill me and make me...well, giddy, when I talk to him. He's extraordinairy.


That's a word that I've only been recently described as. By Mitch. He said I was different from others, but in an extraodinairy way. He called me a "treasured friend". He made my fucking night. Mitch doesn't understand, because I haven't told him, that he elates me nearly every time we talk. He's one of those people that, for me, symbolize the potential wonder of mankind. He's one of those people who just make it worth it.

Like Max. I hope I get to see Max over the summer. Talk to him. I need to give him props for being so much a part of why I've made it this far. I need to let him see me smile and let him know that I honestly believe I couldn't still be around smiling without him. I need to stop talking like Mr. Fucking Rogers.


I'm giving out a lot of props today, apparently. I'm using the phrase "give props" a lot today, too. But now that I'm done with the effusing with love for all the special people of the world section of this, I think I should also point out that even now that I have my computer back, I am going to be updating this A LOT less than I was before. Mr. Ladd thinks it saps me of my creativity, and be he right or wrong, there's a more important point- this is boring bullshit that only a select few find any interest at all. I shouldn't be polluting the net with this crap.

So, instead of being the obsessive blogger I've been in the past, I will now use it the way most people do, posting when I have something to say. Or at least feel like it. But my standards are higher...or something like that.

On with it.