Wednesday, April 17, 2002

Fixed my computer. Because I'm a genius and all that. Found something out- it wasn't as big a loss as I thought. The internet was, remains, and probably always will be, boring shit.

"Adams Song" by Blink 182. One of the first...fifty or so songs I ever downloaded, I haven't listened to it in a very long time. I love it.

"I never conquered
Rarely came
16 just held such better days
Days when I still felt alive
I couldn't wait to get outside."

.....16. For me. Dating Mark. I remember the birthday party. Wonderful and shitty all at the same time. Spent the time sitting on Jeremey's lap groping his elbows next to Mark.

Just another thing to miss about Jeremey. His elbows. His gorgeous skin. Him.

I have closure issues or some shit, apparently. I don't say goodbye to people, ever. This is probably why I end up listening to and loving songs that I can relate to about suicide and all that melodramatic bullshit.

"I never thought
I'd die alone
I laughed the loudest
Who'd have known?
I traced the cord back to the wall
No wonder, it was never plugged in at all
I took my time
I hurried up
The choice was mine
I didn't think enough
I'm too depressed
To go on
You'll be sorry when I'm gone."

But fuck it. Who wants to talk about hurting, think about loving, or know about losing? Let's go on.

Speaking of people I've missed the shit out of, I'm seeing Ben tonight. Finally. I haven't seen him since....last time. It won't be like that this time. I chose to stay away from him to protect...a lot of people from the fact that he and I tend to screw people over when we're together, but it'd be bullshit to pretend I could live without him. Ben's amazing. Ben's one of the best people I've ever met in my life. I love Ben, and I have missed the shit out of him. Tonight will be good. Just good.

Seeing Chad tomorrow, I think. Love him, too. A lot. His manner, awkwardness and gentility thrill me and make me...well, giddy, when I talk to him. He's extraordinairy.

That's a word that I've only been recently described as. By Mitch. He said I was different from others, but in an extraodinairy way. He called me a "treasured friend". He made my fucking night. Mitch doesn't understand, because I haven't told him, that he elates me nearly every time we talk. He's one of those people that, for me, symbolize the potential wonder of mankind. He's one of those people who just make it worth it.

Like Max. I hope I get to see Max over the summer. Talk to him. I need to give him props for being so much a part of why I've made it this far. I need to let him see me smile and let him know that I honestly believe I couldn't still be around smiling without him. I need to stop talking like Mr. Fucking Rogers.

I'm giving out a lot of props today, apparently. I'm using the phrase "give props" a lot today, too. But now that I'm done with the effusing with love for all the special people of the world section of this, I think I should also point out that even now that I have my computer back, I am going to be updating this A LOT less than I was before. Mr. Ladd thinks it saps me of my creativity, and be he right or wrong, there's a more important point- this is boring bullshit that only a select few find any interest at all. I shouldn't be polluting the net with this crap.

So, instead of being the obsessive blogger I've been in the past, I will now use it the way most people do, posting when I have something to say. Or at least feel like it. But my standards are higher...or something like that.

On with it.