Saturday, November 03, 2001

I have slut tendencies.

This is a term that Mark coined on the day we broke up, which incidently was online.....I did a lot of things wrong in my relationship with Mark. I've done far more wrong with Andrew.

Time for things to change.

On with it.

Things just can't work anymore, I will be changing them very shortly.

Survived the play. Other details, I suppose I can post later. I'm tired.

On with it~

Thursday, November 01, 2001

Just before bed time, what HAVE I accomplished from my list:
*My imagist poem (not really, just going to pass in spindles)
*Calling Katie (Not bus man homework as far as she knows)

And from the other list:
*Extra credit for poetry
*E-mailing Jeff
*Very very short conversations with Auburn boys. (Ben and Chad anyway)

Aside from the list, I got my ass kicked by Aaron a few hundred times when he came over for me to help him with HIS homework, I bathed- THAT was important, by the time he left anyway- and I watched Tiffany Amber Theissan hit on a girl on "Just Shoot Me*.....I should point out that the bathing was AFTER that, and it was made all the more dire by it.....

So, let's move on to shit I HAVE to get done tomorrow:
*Robert Frost paper.
*Senior bio.

And we'll play it by ear from there....I get to see Jeff tomorrow, that precedes pretty much everything.

Alright, any other thoughts of the day- Drivers ed is scary shit.....and, holy fuck, wish me luck tomorrow. Know any good surgeons to remove me from Jeff's hand?

On with it~
Chad, if you read this tonight, give me a call or find me online to help me with this damn Robert Frost paper...this post would really be better suited for dysphorena, wouldn't it? whatever, too lazy....
Things I have to get done tonight:

*My senior bio.
*My Robert Frost paper.
*My imagist poem (worse comes to worse, I'll just pass in spindles...)
*Buying flowers to give to people I REALLY FUCKING RESENT tomorrow to mask the fact that I REALLY FUCKING RESENT them.
*Figuring what the hell to get Andrew....I guess a card, that was surprisingly quick, one down.
*Calling Katie to find out if we have bus man homework.
*Doing my bus man homework if we have any.

Things I'd really like to get done tonight:
*Extra credit for poetry: I'd like to keep my unprecented A+ in that class.
*E-mailing Jeff to figure out arrangements for tomorrow.
*Work on completing this week in my study plan for the SATs.
*Work on reading for English.
*Hell, maybe even read something I'd like to read...yeah, that will doubtlessly get cut out.
*Getting a chance to talk to my auburn boys online or on the phone....this will also pretty much doubtlessly get cut out.
*Work on dealing with the fact that I have to witness the goddamned play tomorrow. Granted, Jeff will be there, that makes it bearable at least, but I won't even be able to hold his hand until the lights go down, if then, because everyone will think I'm cheating on Andrew at Andrew's damned play.....because god forbid a girl should hold a guy's hand platonically anymore.....Fuck them, it's not like it's "granding" or anything, but I'm scared as hell Andrew's parent's might see me and get the wrong impression...holy shit, I'll probably have to TALK to them tomorrow, won't I? Ugh.....Let's add another thing to this list, shall we?

4 and a half hours till my desired bedtime...better get crackin'.

On with it~

Wednesday, October 31, 2001

I meant to be in bed an hour ago but I got caught up in a loooong conversation with Mr. Ladd. He saw me today, I didn't see him though.

Assuming he can get down here that weekend...or rather up here, Elorza's going to be my senior prom date. This makes me exceedingly happy despite shitty events of the day.

Driver's ed sucks, we did these really old fashion dances in gifted and talented, and I began to find them oddly fun and even somewhat sexual, and I ended up REALLY fucking up my neck.

I don't know what else to saw, which is good, because I HAVE TO SLEEP.

On with it.

Tuesday, October 30, 2001

I'm trying to get to bed decently early so I can drag myself up out of bed early enough tomorrow to throw together something resembling a halloween costume and shower the remnants of Andrew's and my jackolatern fight off of me. But, for a review of me:

I feel: Bad.
School: Sucks, albeit not as much as usual, but still.
Relationship: Not doing well
Friendships: All intact except me and Jeremey...other than that, this is the one high point.
Writing: HA! WHAT writing?
Health: I think I have chronic fatigue syndrome.
Family: I'd just prefer not to acknowledge their existence.
Upcoming events: Tomorrow I have to go to the Y for gifted and talented...that means that if I'm well enough tomorrow to make an entry, it should be damned interesting. I'll only be well enough assuming I DON'T run into him, if I do, possible affects include: staggeringly high long distance bills, extended absence from school, sudden crying spells or violent streaks, and a lack of me on the internet. Also, driver's ed starts tomorrow...can you feel the excitement? Friday...*sigh* the play, NOT going to be fun, thank "God" Jeff's going with me.....if you're reading this, babe, thank you so fucking much. You're holding me together.

So yeah, back to real life, as it were. On with it.

Sunday, October 28, 2001

I think this is the first time in my life I've ever really felt like crying for joy.

While I was going to retype it again, for the sheer wonder of being able to relate it twice, the event in itself is made about a thousand times more beautiful by Elorza's reaction, so I'll just quote the conversation.

FieryGwenivere: I feel as good right now as I ever will for the rest of my life
Elorza: i'm overjoyed and ecsatic and glorious to hear that
FieryGwenivere: :-) is that sarcasm?
Elorza: not in the slightest
Elorza: not at all
FieryGwenivere: then I was wrong
FieryGwenivere: now I feel as good as I ever will in my entire life
FieryGwenivere: that, I guess, was just sorta leading up to it
Elorza: why do you feel so wonderous
FieryGwenivere: well, aside from your rousing support of me
FieryGwenivere: I have just come back from Jeff's house, and the entire night I was sitting there wondering if I would be able to tell him I loved him, because while I've done it in person and on the phone, I've only done it once in person, and it's quite a different thing, adn the first time I was crying so it was sort of out of context
FieryGwenivere: and then he drops me off and he walks me in and we're hugging in front of the doorway and I'm standing there, feeling how wonderful it is to just be near him, realizing that I won't be able to tell him and I'll simply have to wait another week
FieryGwenivere: And I sigh and finally let him go, and he knows that he can't let the screen door slam because the baby's asleep, so I sort of go out, once he's already outside, to close the door so he doesn't have to stand there and wait for it, and he's looking at me, straight in the eye, and I think that it's the perfect time to tell him, but I can't
FieryGwenivere: and then he lifts his hand and strokes the back of his two fingers down the side of my cheek and whispers "I love you" and I just say it back, and he leaves
FieryGwenivere: nothing in life has ever felt better than that
Elorza: beautiful
Elorza: absolutely awesome
Elorza: in the esoteric meaning of the word, not the bastardized colloquialism
Elorza: however you do spell that
FieryGwenivere: thank you
Elorza: believe me you are quite welcome

So there it is...and I'm going to ride it to sleep, and hope to feel like this tomorrow morning.

*sigh* ~*~On with it~*~

James has requested about 60 thousand times that I mention him on the site.


(that, by the way, is James Morris, not james....not the other james.)

On with it~
The good thing about confusion is at least you don't know whether you're happy or sad.

"And she swears there's nothing wrong....."

Thank the fucking lord I'm seeing Jeff tomorrow. Thank the fucking lord.

On with it.