Thursday, September 06, 2001

I need the dance......please say I can still go to the dance....I need to dance....

I need to shock people, to release my sexuality on unsuspecting freshmen, to sweat, to get people whispering, to see them staring, to get them thinking, churning, lusting, learning from me that their limitations in one way or another aren't what they thought.

And it wouldn't hurt if the hot freshmen were there. (the girls, I mantain the non-infidelousness of this...damn, I can't write)

I know quite a few people who would want to be reincarnated as this chair right now...holy shit!!!! It just occured to me that I don't know if I ever pointed out that I'm not pregnant, and while most of you have probably asked me about it by now and found out that it was a hundred percent pure bullshit....hahahahhahahahahahhahaa! Poor Mr. Leighton!

You know, there is nothing more fun in life than LYING FOR NO REASON and watching it get out of hand!

Of course, I might have written a long time ago that the whole pregnancy lie was bullshit, but if I didn't, dayum I'm amused.

Oh, my, Jeremey is about to talk to me about something that I'm not allowed to post up here! Wow! It's been a long time since anything in my life was the slightest bit private. Goody goody. Ah, shit, he got kicked off. That's like a guy dying before he can tell you the punchline of a joke....for instance:

"There was a blonde and a brunette in an elevator....oh, what's that Jeff? You wanna make fun of my joke? FINE! THEN I'M NEVER GOING TO TELL YOU THE REST!!! HA!!!!!!"

And I never will. >:}

Speaking of Jeff, who won't read any of that, which is intended and to be understood by ONLY him....shit, I have no idea how I'm gonna end that sentence. I miss him. He's in Standish. Alone. I'm considering going on a nice little jaunt down hour and nine minutes driving, I could walk in..oh, say, three days. Then get their exhausted and fall asleep on thing I can imagine. I have an overwhelming desire to share everything in my life that was ever of any importance to me with Jeff- the house I've always wanted to buy one day in Gloucester is now the house he and I will buy together after we make our first million from Ryan Shanon Incorporated (Sex paraphenilia, we're just the two for it.).

Fuck, it's 11, I don't think Jeremey's coming back. This ---BOTHERS--- me. I'm going to have to sleep on the fact that I have no idea what this thing so grave that he asked me to keep it between us is. But between shutting off the computer, skin care rituals, and masturbation, I'm already in for well under 7 hours of sleep time, so I can't exactly wait. If he forgets though, so help me, I swear to god I'll gravely endanger the only part of him that proves that, technically, he's more male than I am. (technically.)

My name is Linda and "maybe one day I won't be so lonely, and I'll walk on water every chance I get." (counting crows). On with it.

Listening to my tape player as I was on the way home and I saw no particular reason to anyway, sitting here, whatever, and, thinking that it was too loud, I started pressing the lower volume button on my computer and got VERY frustrated when it wouldn't work. Where IS my brain today?

I think I'll wear my sweater backwards and inside out someday soon...hoooooow appropriate.

Slap me with a splintered ruler.

Re-discovering Alanis and all the other pissed off girls who can't compete with Ani...holy shit, just did it again. Daaaaamn me! (you've already done that for yourself, rather nicely I might odd)

I'm consumed by the chill of solitary, I'm like Estella, I like to reel it in and then spit it out, I'm frustrated by your apathy!!!
(hate people who use multiple explanation points.)

Heh, I remember once in 2nd grade, to make a point in something I was writing, I filled up an entire page and a half of explanation points after something my character said. Cute little rascal, I was so full of piss and vinegar....piss anyway. I had forgotten about that till just now.....I like that memory of myself.

Knowing that at least one faculty member is checking this, I probably should refrain myself from expressing my incredibly, all-encompassing hatred for....what the fuck is that kid's name? Hespe. Fucking Hespe. What I wouldn't give to slam that kid into a locker, spit some anger into his face, and throw him to ground and watch him half-run, half-crawl away, terrified. Maybe just before I graduate. ("Suspend this, Dick!")

My, what lofty aspirations I have for myself.

"I can't describe the vibe I get when I drive by six people and five I hit."
Eminem is the voice of my generation!!!!!! ;)

"Drugs kill (yeah right!) Chick, I'm for real! Shut your mouth, you dirty girl, you know you want me in your world. Ladies, please don't fight...."
-Not Eminem...someone from d12...dunno

No idea why I'm bothering with this today, but I should probably begin to close down anyway. Work in less than an hour....damn. As always, I'm counting the days till that god-forsaken little ice cream shot closes it's doors for the season, and for me, for-ever.

Mark: hry
Mark: hey^
FieryGwenivere: the british are coming!
FieryGwenivere: yo
Mark: what's up?
FieryGwenivere: the librarian wants to mentor me
Mark: hmm, ok.
Mark: what brought that about?
FieryGwenivere: heh, he checked my blog site :-)
Mark: one of those "must save troubled youth" things.
FieryGwenivere: well, I'm an exceptional person and all that shit, who wouldn't want to save me?
Mark: as long as there's someone
FieryGwenivere: I'm giving him a month
FieryGwenivere: I don't know what I hope to accomplish, but maybe he can feed me more supportive bs about what an astounding a writer I am. That, I miss.
Mark: you never know. some good may come out of it
FieryGwenivere: besides, in the post-apocolyptic glow of my demise, it will be nice to have a whole group of Lisbon High School personnel testifying that I was always different to Barbra Walters.
FieryGwenivere: I wonder if 40 years from now I'll still think he looks like Doogey Hoser.........haha, hoser, that's not how that's spelled, is it?
Mark: if there ever is a demise I can at least be content in having known you.
FieryGwenivere: awwww2
FieryGwenivere: *awwww
Mark: into everyone's life someone means the world to them. you found that spot in me. getting to know you was one of the best decisions of my life.
FieryGwenivere: Let's all thank Andrew Marvell in a moment of silence
Mark: wasn't just Marvell
FieryGwenivere: well I looked so damn cute
Mark: or maybe it was just you as a person
FieryGwenivere: that, too
Mark: you've always been a special person to me. I can't convince you that you're something special and I don't think anyone else can either. it's up to you to realize it.
FieryGwenivere: I'm damned special
FieryGwenivere: I'm just a fuck-up, too
FieryGwenivere: And god forbid anyone should ever fall in love with me again
FieryGwenivere: if I believed in god
Mark: they will
FieryGwenivere: at their own risk
Mark: love is always a risk
FieryGwenivere: can't be my own life guard, I'll be damned if I'm going to continue babysitting emotions like I've been doing so fucking long......look at me, I'm trying to make myself appear altruitic. Let's all take a moment to laugh our asses off
FieryGwenivere: *altruistic
Mark: people will always care. no matter what
FieryGwenivere: their loss
FieryGwenivere: I'm gone babe
FieryGwenivere: work soon
Mark: later. love ya
FieryGwenivere: love you too

My name is Linda and I'm STILL not an alcoholic. But we can always hope. On with it.

Monday, September 03, 2001

My intent, of course, had been to blow Ms. Sutton away with my first poetry assignment, but what I wrote kinda sucks. I haven't written poetry in a long damn time, though, so I gotta break into it again slowly.

"I can't say my name or tell you where I am
I wanna throw myself away...don't know if I can
I wish that I could be in some other time and place
With someone else's soul, someone else's face."
-Bon Jovi, Someday I'll be Saturday Night

I really, really wish I could say I wrote that. Someday soon, I'll be writing that well again, but for now, I'm stuck with bs like rhyming "potenial" with "pencil". (seriously.)

Talked to Mr. L today...I gave him the address here, which means he might stop by. That could be...really bad, actually. Ah vell.

On an assignment from a friend of mine- I need info on women's sex toy preferences. E-mail them to me at so I can get them to him. I owe him.

"Your very first kiss was your first kiss goodbye."
-Bon Jovi, You Give Love a Bad Name

Day-um, that's nice writing right there. Let's just keep quoting Bon Jovi, possibly the most amazing rock group ever.

"Cause a bottle of vodka's still lodged in my hand
Some blond gave me nightmares, I think that she's still in my bed
As I dream about movies they won't make of me when I'm dead."
-Bon Jovi, Bed of Roses

I remember I used to listen to this CD while I was talking on the phone with Mark, and this song would just take me completely away from him with the feeling of romance that Bon Jovi gave to me better than anyone else. This man's poetry does more for me than Byron's, his love ballads are quite possibly the only thing that gives me any will to keep my waning belief in romance, in true love. In real pain, even. I don't have any idea what to believe in any more, but life seems more true when Bon Jovi is on. I should really make an effort to get more into these guys, I've really only heard the stuff on know who else I miss listening to? Meatloaf! Meatloaf and Bon Jovi and all those other early nineties rock bands with sensitive sides that Brent introduced Cathy to in the years before he was nothing more than "the baby's father"....I miss so much. When were the days of wine and roses for me? What am I looking to revive? Who am I longing to be my best friend again? How long ago is the long ago I miss? Why can't things just stand still?

"I guess this time you're really leaving
I heard your suitcase say goodbye....
I know you know we've had some good times
Now they have their own hiding place
Well, I can't promise you tomorrow
But I can buy back yesterday"
-I'll be there for you

Nick's being snobbish towards Bone Thugs and Harmony which angers me, but I should be in bed.

"My name is Billy Jean my love is bought and sold
I'm only sixteen, I feel a hundred years old." (bj, someday I'll be saturday night)

On with it.

Sunday, September 02, 2001

Oh man....

"Dead Man on Campus" is......well......don't watch it.

I seem to remember Jenn saying that a character from it reminded her of my boyfriend.....I'm going to HAVE to kick her ass now. There's no way out of it.

Two good lines:

"Hey, look at this! It's a math award!"
"What are you doing? Are you singing a fucking showtune? You can't be suicidal if you're singing a showtune."

There were actaully a few good lines that went along with that last one, but since it was the ONLY decent part of the movie, I won't ruin it for those of you doomed to it later in life.

On a better note, I found out the name of the insanely hot freshmen, along with a couple other tidbits that should help me to oggle her with more frequency, and from a closer point. Yes, I know, look but no touch. But, oh, how I do like to look!

At any rate, Nick is laying on the bed looking rather unentertained, so I'm going to abandon this once again.

My name is Linda and I am NOT paying attention at all to what I am writing. On with it.

"And I miss you
Like the deserts miss the rain."

I don't know why this song works as a dance mix, but it does. I can't even remember what it sounded like before they, in the minds of many, mutilated it this way.

"The years have proved
To offer nothing since you moved
You're long gone
And I can't move on."

You know, I never really saw this as a song that applied to me while it was on the radio all the time, but now that I've rediscovered it, it's very similar to...countless situations for me.

I have found that I can remain fairly contented despite all the bullshit in my life right now if I do one, fairly simple thing- not think AT ALL. Any moment where something is not occupying my attenion, I must immediately focus on the examination of some object in my sight or start singing, drumming on various surfaces, or bite my tongue really hard. The second I think of 95% of the things I would be tempted to think about, I am ready to die. But if I never have another thought again, I just might beat this.


At any rate, Nick is on his way, and I hope that he shall be able to hold my attentions tightly enough so that my tongue will get a much-needed rest from the constant affliction on it. If he can't, oh well...I can always drum on his head.

My name is Linda and I can not sustain thought long enough to figure out what to say here, lest I should be in vexing pain. On with it.