Friday, November 09, 2001

He implied that he didn't want many details released, but I assume I'm safe to say that one of my closest friends has undergone a great loss in the past 24 hours. He has just called me to inform me as such, and immediately after I got off the phone with him, I informed my parents that I would most likely be missing school for the funeral and then began to wander around the house, dumbstruck, wondering exactly who I should be calling. I felt that I needed support...someone to make me strong again so that I would be able to be strong for him. The idea of death, especially someone we know, even indirectly or only semi-personally, is generally something that reminds us of our own mortality, or, in my case, our parents'. I do not know what would happen to me right now if my father or mother were taken from mother leaving me with my father or my father leaving me with years of unresolved hurt to grow with. I strain to think of any other adults I could not live without- Mr. Ladd. He easily might have died in an car accident he was in the summer before last, anything could happen to him at any time, and I would have never seen him again. I think about the possibility of Jeff dying all the time, though I've never spent any real amount of time considering any of my other close friend's deaths...I guess I shouldn't right now. At any rate, I walked around stricken and thought of who to call. For some reason, my first instinct was's been a long time since he was my first instinct, I guess the break up has been refreshing for me in some ways. I got an entirely disturbing halloween answering machine message...or what I can only hope was a halloween answering machine mesage. I continued to wonder. Ben, Chad and Nick were probably at Chad's or doing any of the various other things they do, and besides, it would have felt weird to go to them. Piled on top of the fact that none of them, with the possible exception of Nick, would know what to do or say at all (not that anyone really would, least of all me to him -the original him- when he informed me), they're fairly new friends and, however much they do mean to me, times like these seem to beg for warn-in friends, people for whom your love is rooted.

The idea of rooted love immediately takes me to Jeremey, the person in the world I love most immediately, the person for whom my adoration is most instinctual. He is my oldest close friend, though I should stop referring to him that way, and no one, let alone me, has any concept of what has been allowed to be lost in his ostensible decision to no longer speak to me. This seems to be the perfect oppurtunity to come to the realization that nothing is worth losing him, but I wonder if, at a time like this in my life, it would take more of my waning strength to lose him or to go through how it feels every time he neglects or rejects me.

Emily came to mind next. At first it was that she's in Boston, then I realized that was unimportant, then I realized she's out anyway. Elorza...I need someone who's voice can comfort me, and I don't know his voice, not really, only his screenname. I didn't try Jeff, but I'm going to assume he isn't home, as it is a friday night and he has many friends to pack into his weekend excursions here. He doesn't seem like the person to go to anyway. Jenn's working, I considered her, and all my old friends are in college or here but just that- old friends. People to whom I no longer flee for things like this, or anything really, except the surface stuff....

Once again, I'm left with this. It feels like I should have family right feels, right now, like there are a lot of times I probably should. Is there a person in this country that doesn't secretly long for the Full House paradise, deep down inside in a place they deny to themselves and everyone? Is there anyone aroudn that doesn't wonder where family values went, doesn't question why things are the way they are, doesm't stop to think if they deserve this?

And before you've realized what needs to be done, said, fixed, worked out, before you know who needs to hear that you love them, and before you understand why you need to know that they love you, things happen. People die.

Perhaps I should have just stayed on the phone with him. I've always known, whether or not I chose to take advantage of it, that he would have done anything he could to help me through my things. I'll do anything I can to help him through this. I love him. I love most of you, you know that?

On with it.

Wednesday, November 07, 2001

I have been living, for the past however long (few days, whatev), in a sort of lessened consciousness so that I do not have to linger in the idea that I am, above all, confused with the status of my life right now.

I'm shitting on Chad and Kara right now and I shouldn't be, but he's an easy target and I've been looking for easy targets. Mr. Ladd is telling me right now that he highly approves of the word "SuedeCaramel", and I wanted to be in bed 16 minutes ago.

Emily's friend Lauren has apparently becone a regular reader. I guess that means I can't continue to write awful things about her behind her back. That bitch.

Hi Lauren Sweetie! How do you like NU?

I'm really hoping Emily will explain my sardonic, unashameful "sense of humor" to Lauren, or else I'll come off looking like a real bitch.

....yes, I know what you're all thinking, but normally people have to at least meet me before coming to that conclusion. Like that random girl I accused of being not nice the other day who looked really hurt afterwards......ah, fuck, that was a classic.

As a great man once said. "Sleep."

On with it.

Tuesday, November 06, 2001

I never thought I was bothered by pretention until today when a certain someone described....I don't know, the mix of people in our school as being "homogeneous", at which point I realized that.....well, I really don't like pretention. I might be okay with it in general, but at that exact moment I could have beaten something....I think I made a fairly audible grunting in disgust, I hope no one was paying attention. Not that at least one of the people who was there won't be reading this. Whatever.

I really really wish Jeff had been there at that exact moment so he could have shot me a knowing look and then mocked her reassuringly for the rest of the night for me. He does that....he refers back to one joke between us for the entire time we're together.....Davy Barry-esque. It's great.

Andrew and I waited for his mother today together, just like we always used to after quill meetings before we were together. It was pretty much exactly the same as it was before. Either we're making this as easy on each other as we possibly can, or we're acting....which would be bad. I don't know. It's good. It feels good. Eerily good and somewhat easy........I don't know. I guess we'll figure it.

Miss Homogeneous wants to check her mal, so I'm gone. Ugh.

On with it.

Monday, November 05, 2001

The end of the relationship doesn't hurt half as badly as the fact that there was absolutely no one local to go to.....I should be able to cry on someone on days like that. I'm so sick of seperation, and of alliteraion.

I need local friends. Andrew was basically my last local friend that I'm close to....he is, I mean. We are keeping the friendship. We are doing whatever we have to to keep the friendship. But I can't go to him with problems with him. Not safely, anyway.

Times like this, I miss Emily so much I could die of it....except that if I let myself feel how much I miss her, I probably would. I think that's the one thing she doesn't really get- I can't miss her out of preservation. I can't. I've tried my damndest to feel any portion of it...maybe that's not true, I never know...anything.

Emily is in Boston and Jeff is in Standish most of the time. Chad and Ben and Nick are in Auburn, along with Jeremey whose name probably shouldn't continue to grace lists like this. Kris is there, too, and Derek, but I haven't been able, for all my efforts, to keep close ties up with them. Elorza is in New Jersey, Mark is in Farmington, Aaron is in Gorham and there are various other people spread various other places. Portland and Florida and Massachussetts.

Jenn, who insists there is only one N in her name but is wrong, worked tonight. As more a distraction than an emotional ally, I would have spent the night with her. She would have taken care of me. She's got that maternal instinct, even if she's the type of person who might begrudge me any long-time hurt. That's probably unfair. I have the feeling she's better lately.

I appreciate her so much more now that, through lack of anyone else in the world, she and I have gotten back pretty much to the "Linda and Jenn" status we had in eighth grade...minus an N. The dynamic duo, once again. It feels good, like getting back to our roots.

I miss our roots. I miss a lot of things. I seem to miss everything at once, if I don't concentrate it on one specific thing.

In my saddened energy, I started cleaning my room today. (pause for the shock to wear off) I found a chain that Kris, whom I still prefer to call "Chris", gave me a long time ago....more or less. The actual changing hands of the chain was a complicated point is that I used to wear it to comfort me.....Chris used to be my best friend, and in so many ways the person I felt at most myself with. God, I wish I could revisit the peaks of every friendship, and just sort of watch and cry and gain new insight about how amazing it is to be there with someone, at the point where you love each other more than you ever have before or will again. Things like that don't go away entirely, but they fade off and change colors and shapes. And people forget them, and worse, forget that they've forgotten them.

I'm listening to the theme song from "The Land Before Time", the favorite movie of pretty much everyone in my generation when we were all, like, six. Talk about getting back to one's roots.

Let's start over from the first day of kindergarden and watch it, can't we? Please? The whole thing in slow would race by anyway. I wish things didn't change so damn often.

"If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I."

There's just something about Whitney Houston's voice....I feel like going into the attic and finding my Little Foot all time favorite for the longest time......I want to sleep holding it. But I can't- Tony lives in the room that has the pull-down ladder to the attic, and his stuff is all in the way...I think.

I suppose, as the only comfort left for the night, it's worth a shot. I'll go do that.

On with it.
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had.

Broke up with Andrew today. Do us a favor and let as many people as you can know so we don't have to deal with people asking us how long it's been or how we're doing...or basically anything at all pertaining to our relationship. We were a rather infamous couple, after all.

Rightfully so. So much about us...our quirks and sarcasm and awkwardness...the way that we're both people who's faces other people don't forget, the way we're outwardly mean and inwardly vulnerable, our loudness, our sick sense of humor....scary and meant for each other. Best couple in summer school....people have been telling us we were going to be together someday almost since we met. We were pre-ordained. We were fated. We were....we were.

We aren't anymore. But it's not so bad.
He's only the best I ever had.

On with it.