The end of the relationship doesn't hurt half as badly as the fact that there was absolutely no one local to go to.....I should be able to cry on someone on days like that. I'm so sick of seperation, and of alliteraion.

I need local friends. Andrew was basically my last local friend that I'm close to....he is, I mean. We are keeping the friendship. We are doing whatever we have to to keep the friendship. But I can't go to him with problems with him. Not safely, anyway.

Times like this, I miss Emily so much I could die of it....except that if I let myself feel how much I miss her, I probably would. I think that's the one thing she doesn't really get- I can't miss her out of preservation. I can't. I've tried my damndest to feel any portion of it...maybe that's not true, I never know...anything.

Emily is in Boston and Jeff is in Standish most of the time. Chad and Ben and Nick are in Auburn, along with Jeremey whose name probably shouldn't continue to grace lists like this. Kris is there, too, and Derek, but I haven't been able, for all my efforts, to keep close ties up with them. Elorza is in New Jersey, Mark is in Farmington, Aaron is in Gorham and there are various other people spread various other places. Portland and Florida and Massachussetts.

Jenn, who insists there is only one N in her name but is wrong, worked tonight. As more a distraction than an emotional ally, I would have spent the night with her. She would have taken care of me. She's got that maternal instinct, even if she's the type of person who might begrudge me any long-time hurt. That's probably unfair. I have the feeling she's better lately.

I appreciate her so much more now that, through lack of anyone else in the world, she and I have gotten back pretty much to the "Linda and Jenn" status we had in eighth grade...minus an N. The dynamic duo, once again. It feels good, like getting back to our roots.

I miss our roots. I miss a lot of things. I seem to miss everything at once, if I don't concentrate it on one specific thing.

In my saddened energy, I started cleaning my room today. (pause for the shock to wear off) I found a chain that Kris, whom I still prefer to call "Chris", gave me a long time ago....more or less. The actual changing hands of the chain was a complicated matter...my point is that I used to wear it to comfort me.....Chris used to be my best friend, and in so many ways the person I felt at most myself with. God, I wish I could revisit the peaks of every friendship, and just sort of watch and cry and gain new insight about how amazing it is to be there with someone, at the point where you love each other more than you ever have before or will again. Things like that don't go away entirely, but they fade off and change colors and shapes. And people forget them, and worse, forget that they've forgotten them.

I'm listening to the theme song from "The Land Before Time", the favorite movie of pretty much everyone in my generation when we were all, like, six. Talk about getting back to one's roots.

Let's start over from the first day of kindergarden and watch it, can't we? Please? The whole thing in slow motion....it would race by anyway. I wish things didn't change so damn often.

"If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I."

There's just something about Whitney Houston's voice....I feel like going into the attic and finding my Little Foot doll...my all time favorite for the longest time......I want to sleep holding it. But I can't- Tony lives in the room that has the pull-down ladder to the attic, and his stuff is all in the way...I think.

I suppose, as the only comfort left for the night, it's worth a shot. I'll go do that.

On with it.