"It's coming on Christmas,
They're cutting down trees
They're putting up reindeer and singing
Songs of joy and peace...
Oh, I wish I had a river I could skate away on...."
~Joni Mitchell

The tone and sadness of this song seems like it will be the theme of the mood I will resign myself to if I do not quickly start to resolve the things that have been crippling me lately.

I don't want this shit to take away the happiness that Jeff gives me.....it will though, if I don't work on it. And it will do it damn fast.

I wish I was still in psychology so I could have another shot at doing the cool work we did in that course and making another tape...that was a great assignment. I wish I hadn't done it in two hours the night before it was due.

"For the life of me
I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise
And we never compromise
For the life of me
I cannot believe we'd ever die
For these sins
We were merely freshmen."

None of you can be held responsible anymore, I am touching my face. Why am I writing like this, am I really all that saddened? Is everything truly this bad? I can't even really feel it anymore...maybe that's what's wrong with my shoulder. Maybe my shoulder is manifesting the pain that the rest of me doesn't want to feel.

8th grade, track meets, listening to this music with Heather and Serena I think and various others. My favorite songs were this and "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. I was still in the top 40 radio part of my life, still content to find meaning in the first available art without ever venturing to the arcane and true. But those songs are every bit as wonderful as all of them.....it's just that I never had to quest to find them for myself, and neither did anyone else of my generation. They were handed to me.

The very beginning of "With or Without You" by U2 is disconcerning. So....chipper-sounding. I'm trying to understand the lyrics to it just now more than I have in the past, but I have to leave for my appointment shortly. I wish the aspirins had set in by now....my shoulder is killing me.

"I can't live
With or without you."

Are my thoughts ever focused? Is my mother home? Am I going to have to ride to the appointment with my father. Does he know about it? What's going on? I should check on that......I feel like writing on this all day. Oh well.

"Nothing to win
And nothing left to lose."

On with it.