I miss knowing that people are thinking about me.

Em e-mailed me yesterday with no other intention than to let me know that she missed me....that was good. But in general, I seem to be losing the attentions of a hell of a lot of people very quickly.

Perhaps I've become less special over the past two weeks or so. Is that it?

(Holy god, that was a horrible line.....I'd like to apologize to all of you for how...completely nauseatingly teenaged girlish and clearly guilt-indcucing that was. I'd erase it, but I'd like to punish myself for ever typing it all via public shaming.)

I love Susan Egan's voice. I wish I had the Beauty and the Beast on Broadway Soundtrack.

"She comes round and she goes down on me."
Somehow this line seems appropriate.

I'm going to Jeff's tonight. He hasn't called yet, but I suppose I could call him. I'd get right on that, except I don't really fucking care for once.

"One
And you hold me
And we are broken
Still it's all that I want to do
Just a little now
Feel myself, with a head made of the ground
I'm scared, but I'm not coming down, no no
And I won't run for my life
She's got her jaws now locked in a smile
But nothing is alright, alright.
And I want something else....
To get me through this
Life."

I guess I'm in a Third Eye Blind mood. I'm listening to Jumper now. Haven't listened to it in forever...it was Andrew's favorite song and I didn't want to make the association, I don't know. I'm weird like that.

Words and energy fail me. I'm staring at the moniter and all I really feel, or feel like saying at least, is that life sucks and I'm tired of it and everything and myself and slipping randomly into stream of consciousness. I don't want to feel this way or think at all anymoe I hate it I hate you I hate everything I wish I were stopping this but I don't want to because I can only really write anymoreo when it's on a role but I know Illll pay for this in the morning when people are giving me knowing looks and Mr. leighton has more suicide literature piled on his desk and he plays with it unsure of whether or not to give it to me- don't ., I'm not that fuckling stupid (yes I really am but I don't think it's stupidity really it's just something some people have to do sort of wish I was one of those people I'm not goddamned why do I have to get put through this ) I'nm not looking at the screen thetypoes must be outragous. I wonder what it looks like cna't look up can't look up I shoudl clean cody's cage I always should smells like ammoncia in here there's always something I should be doing that people tell me I should be doing as if I don't know but I can't my arm hurts I haven't done it this way on a computer ever I wonder how long this is or how long it will turn out I wonder when jeff will call the computer just dinged at me and I had to look up. I wonder why it did that I wonder too much I W AWA WA WA WONDER
WHY
WH WH WH WH WHY
SHE WENT AWAY AND I WONDER
WHERE SHE WILL STAYAYAYA< my little runaway, a run run run run runaway, a run run run run runaway.
Do do dod od od dod od doddod...more do's just like the ones from I want something else which is really called semi-charmed life Ben's IM box is blinking at me I should stop to read what he has to say but I'm in some sort of fucked up zone sorta like the way I'm always in some FUCKING HAZE I LIKE TYPING IN CAPS AND USING WORDS LIKE FUCKING AN CUNT! YOU ARE A FUCKING CUNT AN D I AM A FUCKING CUNT AND YOU FUCKING DICKHEADS ONLY WANT ME FOR MY CUNT I AM SO DISTURBED RIGHT NOW wy do I can't all this energy when was my last period. the computer dinged at me again the biw is still blkinking I don't mean to ignore you ben but I don't care about it or you or the blinking or anything elseesthely esthely esthely I'm sodamed tired of being who I am "and I can'tget myself to go away , oh god I shouldn't feel this way....reach down your hand in your pockt, now, pull out some hjope for me it's been a long day, always ain'
t that right well god now you're hand won't stop it, just keep me trembling it's been a LONG DAY ALWAYS ain't that right....now now lord ain't that right?
WELL I"M SURPRISED IF YOU BELIEVE IN ANYTHING THAT COMES FROM ME I DIDN"T HEAR FROM YOU OR FROM SOMEONE ELSE AND i'M SO SET IN LIFE MAN A PISSA BEEN WAITING TOO DAMNED BAD YOU GET SO FAR SOO FAST, SO WHAT so long!!!

I miss jeremey Idoesn't he know I loved him loved the way we sat there and quoted things back and forth to each other and had no use for pettiy things like actual conversation unless it was me running errands for him I loved to run errands for him loved to be his heroin wanted to be his heroine goddamn that's poetic Mrs. McKee would be correcting my spelling my nose itches I don't want to lift my hands from the keyboard it is 5:36 pm eastern fuck-my-ass stanrde time and I just speleed "standard" with an E I wish I could see the scre the phone has rung ring ring stoped. I won'der if it's jeff I just put a apostrophe in that, didn't I. No one's calling me, I don't think, can't be jeff, can it, I'm gonna check.

Not jeff. Fucking not jeff I checked on ben he wanted to know if I'm okay I'mn not I haven't been since friday I feel like my whole damned life I'm walking around getting raped I want to know what the hell happened to me to make me constantly feell this way (M.r Leighton is gonna have a goddanmned feild day with my monday morning I'm not looking so much for accuracy, damn it! ) I don't know what I was saying before the parentheses and to check I'd have to look raped. it was about being raped- IO rememberere that without looking up I don't think I canre about the typos I'm typinh this the way I write in my journal I want that back from mr. hall I want to start a new one and tell him I feel raped and have him help me I want mr. hall or mr. lad spelled with only one d to give me the answers to my fucking questions but the thing about mr. hall that's better is that he knows he's fallible- so does mr. ladd except that mr. ladd makes me feel as though I need to do thing s the way he syas I should because he iwise someone just IMEd me and that last sentence went to mark before I could bring myself to a stop this has got to be so trippy by now emily's getting this and now I have three blinking lights waiting for me and I haven't ev en told two of them to wait, ymaybe I have but mark doesn't know and wha....I con't cking know what I was going to say there but I know I spelled don't wit a c I want jeff to call why hasn't he called yet but for once in my life I have someone who needs me, someone I 've needed so long, fo ronce unafraid I can go where ligfe lieadxs me anrd omewhow I know I'll be strong TONY BENNETT IS FUCLL OF SHIT. JEff can't help me right now and Idon't really think anywone can anymore.

I'm gonna answer my beeps I don't want to fuck them fuck society fuck the world fuck tha qwerty fuck this and that and the other Iwant to be leaning against derek on his car like last night and smelling his sweater and I don't care if it doesn't seem platonic I don't even give a fuck anymore if it is anyone who's read this far wouldn't canrea bout what I have to say I'm still editing myself why am I editing mysel to I believe i n editing myself? I don' t know, yes, clearly I do these people want me to answer their IMS and I odn'treally feel any obligation to the m yes I do but I want to be writing this so much more I can't tell why I don't know this wholethingcouldbewone long word ifIstoioppedhittingthespacebaribetthat'sconfusingyourowndamnedfault for trying to read it still.

I told mark to brb.....I'l d vbraighapodfmasklcbszjigknf pha d/job okdsanP{F"Dj hTP}GSLZDFo[dsfdsiuhishishishtishisthishsitshistshisthsihstihsiths tI I hate I want to llililililick you from your head to your tores you ewanna know something? I'm not sexual at all. Idon't really enjoy anythign sexual I do I do it frot he other people it's been a long time since really really liking something enough so that I was doing it for me and not gfor them, primarily sometimes I get kind in to it but not really I hope no on ereads that I hope everyone reads that "There si not parth" godddamned andrew's poetry was fucking long last night Ias making fun of it to derek and shit I miss derek and his sweater he has a nice sweater and he knows who is singing every single fucking song on CYY. I AM NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT CYY (or anything else) this feels like I'm goiing into a fit or an orgasm except that goddamn I can' not todo thatand I'm sick and tired of oveersexed males who think I could if theyhad their chance to prove it.

YOU!!!!!!!!# YOU ARE NTO SEXUALLY PROFICIENT ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FEEL ANYTHING LIK ETHAT YET! IT"S NOT WITHOIN THE GODDAMNED LIMITS OF YOUR CAPABILITIES< YOU FAGGOT_SMELLING ASSHOLE GO LICK A RODENT"S ASS.

Miss floyd will probably be upset.....hahaa, no, what am I saying she' still have to be readin g this she
d still have to are and she doesn't not anymore no one does anymore I've become a memory that bpoeple are trying to rid themslves of except that they keep on flashing fuckiong ayt I want derek's swearter and his stomach risins underneath it how is it that I Cgost so cuaght up in the moment and watchinghis sweater and listening to chuck and chase both of whom are so obscenely beautuifyul that they should never walk anywherew tihnout a spotlight on there. THEM HELLLO TO ALL YOU IMBECILES WHO ARE STILL FUCKING READING THIS YOU JER_OFF CUM MAGNET WHRORES SLUT DICKMITTEN
WELCOME TO HOTEL CALIPORNIA

It's such a lovely place

my driver's ed man think sI have a lovely fdace

he's the only one. Mary loou henna.....



ON with it, fuck right man...shit, I don't want this to be over now but it must on withitonwithitonwith tit on with it!!!!!!