Saturday, January 05, 2002

I miss knowing that people are thinking about me. For a while, I got quite a dose of that between Emily's journal and Ben's and Nick's blogs. But Emily doesn't seem to update as much at all anymore and Ben and Nick have taken to wriitng more thoughtful things, on top of which I've managed to somehow grow farther away from the both of them simultaneously. More Nick than Ben, but both to an extent. I blame this on myself automatically, despite the fact that Nick says things have been weird for him lately. Either way.

People who I assume think about me don't have blogs or journals or anything that lets me know that they are for sure, and while I long for the publicity of having my name mentioned in profiles or on websites, what I really need is the reassurance. People don't take time to send me "I'm thinking about you" e-mails anymore, not aside from Jeff, probably because I don't really respond to them. I send them from time to time, I think, but I think that they should be something one send's without any need for a response to be given. As a gift, more or less.

I've just checked my "Mail you've sent" folder to check and see if I do, in fact, send e-mails like that, and I found one I wrote to Jeff not long ago about a pen. I loved the pen, it delighted me, and I wanted to enhance the pleasure of one simple joy by combining it with the pleasure of another. So I wrote him. Any reminder of him is pleasurable....when I don't have to think about him in the context of my failure to be good enough for him.

I haven't masturbated in weeks. This has been due largely to depression and stress. In my bold attempt to beat both of them back, I will go do that now!

Yes, you needed to know.

On with it!