Monday, December 31, 2001

The idea that there's anything at all in life that I have to keep from him kills me- I wish I could show him everything. Forever.

Tonight was the first night, since we've been together- a month today (technically yesterday, the thirtieth)- that we actually made a reference at all to the fact that in nine months, I'll be in...well, hopefully New York, if not, who knows? God, I don't ever want to think about the future. There really isn't any way at all we will survive it...unless I stay in Maine.


He brought me a rose tonight, because he knew I needed it- needed him to be as amazing as he can be to save me from everything.

I wish I could show him everything and have the oppurtunity to be saved from it. Greg and I got into a fight yesterday night about the shit that, well, no one knows about. Except Ben and Greg......I don't want to fight with Greg, I don't want this good spell to be over. I'm not sorry that I got angry with him last night- on top of my being emotional and irrational, he said something really really fucking pissy. But it's not worth losing the friendship over- I may be afraid to ever really be angry at anyone again, now that I lost Jeremey over it. I might entirely lose my ability to push people to give me the treatment I deserve.

Not as bad as losing him. Or losing Matchbox Twenty- I strain to think how I'll be able to truly love them anymore. I loved them because of him and with him, and for him, maybe. He was so much of everything- things keep reminding me of him unintentionally.

Maybe the events the nameless events that conspire to be shit for me right now are being merciful- I seem to have shut off mourning the loss of Jeremey to brood over them. They've taken precedence in my mind and they're....slowly becoming easier than thinking about him was. Last night they weren't, surprisingly. So few things aren't. But I must stop making reference to these things, because inquiring minds want to know. And can't, as it happens. Tough luck.

I have an appointment with Mr. Ladd tomorrow at 11 that I forgot to let my mom know about- I'll have to write it on the message board in the kitchen and hope it's not a problem. I'm not going to put my energy into worrying about the likelihood that it is right now. Afterwards, I've yet to have any plans for New Years....though I think I may be doing something with Emily, who I think may be vaguely angry at me, from what she posted on her site tonight. Does "vaguely angry" work? I really don't think so.

And by the way- who the hell has split rock as their ISP? Because whoever they are, they seem to be my biggest fan.

*Sigh* He's been gone 25 minutes and I will go to bed missing him so badly I could die of it. But at least it feels good to need him this badly again....I'd been living without rather awfully well lately. Couldn't after tonight- not the way he was running his fingers over my cheek and looking into my eyes....clich├ęs fucking rock when you act them out. I love him.

On with it.