Saturday, January 05, 2002

In order to escape the impending doom of sitting at home and feeling all the sea of emotions I have to feel tonight, I decided to take advantage of the type of emotional support that women are supposedly good at and have a girl's night out with Jenn. I stole some passes to Hoyts my mom had laying around and we went to see Kate and Leopold, the new Meg Ryan movie.

To spare the details, the movie was amazing. And I found myself staring up at this beautiful fairy tale romance story wondering how it was possible that I allowed myself to make such a mistake in life that I ostracized myself, if only for a night, from the person, the prince- to be sickly clich├ęd- who takes my life and transforms it into a living fairy tale. A paperback romance novel to be read aloud in our own, beautifully realisitc voices, a pair of Vettriano dancers in our own subtle skintones.

I don't ever want to not be in love with him. I don't ever want to forego the right to touch him in a way that only I can, not even for a night. I won't see him for a while, between scheduling and the fact that the ball is in his court now, and I feel rather like a prisoner.

After the movie I wanted to spend the night reliving the constant, unchanging notion that he is the Leopold to my Kate, and I insisted that Jenn rush me to the 24 hour Wal*Mart, where I fully intended to purchase the soundtrack- at the expense of one of my kidneys, if nessecary. I needed it.

Sometimes, no matter how much you need something, you can't make it happen. While I'm sure I could have found many a scalpel to perform the surgery with, Wal*Mart does NOT happen to have the Kate and Leopold Soundtrack in stock. Checking now, this seems to be because it won't be released until the 15th, when I probably will be short of both the money and the passion to buy it. But right now, I want nothing more than to be able to sleep the night listening to that soundtrack- the song at the end of the movie I couldn't find the nerve to ask Jenn to sit around for and Moon River from Breakfast at Tiffany's and whatever else would be on it.

No, no- not true. I want to be able to make this all better, for him and for me and, hell, for the other party involved. And I want to be able to sleep in Jeff's arms tonight and wake up with his breath on my neck tomorrow morning. I want to have the faith in myself that I will never endanger my right to any of those things....or at least to the dreams of those things, ever again.

I have never gone into the Super Wal*Mart without seeing someone I know, and I'm 90% sure that I didn't tonight, because I saw someone there that I'm 80% sure was Jeff's friend, Roy (assuming I haven't gotten names mixed up again...I never USED to do that), and if it wasn't him I MUST know him from somewhere else. Jenn saw Tom Burgess, anyway, so I suppose if I come to find it wasn't Roy, I could PRETEND that I saw Tom Burgess, as well. Though I'm rather angry she didn't make some sort of effort to point him out.

When I'm trying to decide if I know someone or not, I'm very very blatant about it. In the case of spotting Roy (?), I stopped suddenly and just stared at him with my mouth hanging somewhat open and my neck cocked to the side, and when Jenn noticed what I was doing she came up to me, grabbed my arm and scolded me. I must have looked like a fucking idiot- I was overtired, and emotionally exhausted- we both sort of were. When we were driving home I couldn't think of the word "eyelids" and I'm sitting there and I'm like "The, the, the eye cover. The eye flap. What the hell is that?"

Jenn: "The skin over your eye?"
Linda: "Yeah, does that have a name?"
Jenn: "No! There's the eye lash and the eye brow...."
Linda: "And the eye...lid!"
Jenn: "Oh....yeah."

At which point she laughed so hard she put her head down on the steering wheel. It didn't occur to me to fear for my life, but in retrospect, yeah- sorta lucky I'm still here.

It's really too bad that conversations between me and Jenn can't be saved and catalogued, because they're always precious. I'm very comfortable with Jenn, so I'm at my peek in wittiness.....especially when I'm so sharp I can't come up with the word "eyelid".

This brings me to the point that she had saved every note I had written her since the eighth grade, a whole shoebox full, and just a few months ago, in our senior year, she through the whole damn thing away! I cannot even TELL you how much that bothers me! Notes, especially legible ones that haven't been crushed and teared and had things spilled on them, are to be saved! Does no one see this? I thought that was inherant knowledge in everyone with estrogen!

My stomach is killing me and I ache for the bed to my right....the sweet sound of the version of Moon River I downloaded to satiate myself- Johnny Mathis because I remember Greg recommending him (I think) is lulling me into even more of a sleepy, peaceful, if heart-hurting and forlorn (did I just say "forlorn"????) state than I was earlier.

"Oh dream maker
You heart-breaker
Wherever you're goin'
I'm goin' your way
Two drifters off to see the world
There's such a lot of world to see-
We're after the same rainbows
And waiting round the bend
My Huckleberry friend,
Moon River,
And me."

On with it....