Tuesday, December 25, 2001

"And so stand stricken, so remembering him."

It's Christmas day, I have all I've been wishing for- a new TV, Jeff, in love with me as I am with him, the fortune of not having to have had to spend more than 5 minutes of the day so far with relatives. My proverbial treetops should be glistening in the december moonlight and my reindeer-red nose should be shining with glea. Jeff called me, that alone once would have me filled with joy unparalleled.

I need Jeremey.

Maybe it's just that I'm in a constant state of making myself miserable, lest I should stumble upon happiness and become weak. Maybe whenever I get everything I want in life, I find some way to lose some of it, or find need for something I don't have so that I can continue to write bullshit like this and feel accomplished when it piles up. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I need drugs, maybe I need hospitalization.

But it's Christmas day, and I've loved him my whole life. I feel like I did in eighth grade. I wish I had a middle school dance to go to so I could cry in the bathroom and feel like myself again. I wish I had a picture of him to stare at and think about how unlike a picture he is. "I wish I had a river to skate away on.

I made my baby say goodbye."

Joni Mitchell and I, and Edna St. Vincent Millay, and whoever wrote the song I'm listening to now ("If I could pray, my prayers would never end. But if you want me to beg, I'll fall down on my knees and ask you to come back, I'll be pleading you to come back, I beg for you to come back to me. Love has no pride when I call out your name, and love has no pride when there's no one but myself to blame, and I'd give anything to see you again.) should all.....go somewhere and be the worthless pile of bullshit artists that we are. We do nothing. We cry and beg and write poetry and music and let the people we love walk out of our lives again and again and again.

I would have done anything for him. The only thing I needed was for him to stay. Damn my pride for forgetting that for the one instant it took. Damn it all to hell.

Damn Christmas and New Years and Thanksgiving and turkey. Damn friends and family and lovers and things that signify pointlessness when added up into a huge equation that embodies everything except him. I have friends, I have family, I have Jeff, I have everything, but in the end it gets multiplied by the zero of him, and I end up with nothing.

And that's all my fault. On with it.