"There are places I remember....
but I can't say that much for the rest of the song."
-Linda's take on The Beatles, Places I remember.

The atmosphere outside of my house right now is absolutely perfect for feeling the way I do, commiserating with the moon and existing in such a way that I feel I could continue if I tried, whether or not I don't want to. Instead I sit inside, at this machine, and type in cold words and suck jello in my mouth from the outside of my teeth to the inside. I wish there were just a little cyanide in it.

I'm trying to download Places I Remember but there's a download from weeks ago that I never finished taking precedent, and some jackass is downloading camera one off me...the end result being that I may be married and with four kids before I actually hear places I remember. I am officially ineligible to participate in any of the things I was looking forward.......that's an understatement- the things I was breathlessly waiting to happen this year- what would have been my best school year, a senior year to crown my public school life...the quill has been taken from me when I gave utter devotion to it last year, big brothers big sisters has been taken from me and I no longer have the chance to make a positive impact on someone to atone for all the negative ones that I have in the past, the advocate, in which I was hoping to have a collumn to finally get me started in writing in a tangible way, science olympiad and after school band and interact.....drama. The passion of my life, the only real joy, the thing that, while I have the chance to be involved, drives me in all ways, motivates me. The thing I love. The place I first loved Andrew. Taken. Because of a SINGLE book report I didn't turn in because I was under the impression that there was no way for it to affect this year. Fucking TAKEN from me. My whole goal to make this the year...the year I would give my mother the gift of being the student of the month, the year I was going to help my class by selling myself for a dance I'm probably not even allowed to attend.....the year that was going to get my life back on track and meaning something, finally.

Why can't Jello be carcinogenic?

Jeff and Emily will be leaving for college soon, Jeremey and Elorza are already too far away to touch, and things have been better with Rich Kid. I won't be able to see Nick nearly ever now that school has started and there are ice cream stains all over my arm. I was looking forward to going to Gloucester this sunday for the first time since the Fiesta and getting some sea air in my lungs and hair and seeing my cousins, my family, laying next to phil on my uncle's water bed and having deep conversations about where life is going that he would dominate; adoring him. Having Michaela adore me. It would have been a short escape, rather like a small amount of glue to hold my pieces together that so often threaten to fall apart, but my mom has just now informed me that I won't be able to attend, as she got the dates wrong.

I just want to lay down and never again has any obligation to get up. I just want to go for a walk and not have to come home. I just want to get amnesia and start all over again, having written myself a note that assured me I should have no interest in what I lost.

I just want out. By any means nessecary.

I need to take a bath. Perhaps I will drown in it. One can only hope.

My name is Linda and I need a new feel dirty...except that I don't GET that. On with it.