Mark seems concerned that I degrade the fab five too much....he's trying to convince me that since I say shit about them, that means I don't really love them, not the way I should. I understand the error I've made that caused him to think this....you see, I never say anything bad about anyone other than the fab five on here, mostly because they're the only ones I care about enough to really hurt me, so I'm more sensitive when it comes to them. But, hey, we don't want to inconvenience mark. So, from here on out, I'm saying shit about all my friends on here.

Hey, here's an idea- to make Mark feel better, LET'S START WITH HIM.

Here's the conversation I've just had with him:

FieryGwenivere: still alive?
Mark: I hate seeing you as broken as you are. and knowing that I'm not someone you're going to talk to anymore isn't helping it either
FieryGwenivere: what the hell am I supposed to say?
Mark: things have degraded to a point where to learn anything about my best friend I have to look to the internet
FieryGwenivere: join the club
Mark: I'm not really sure why you bother with me.
FieryGwenivere: I don't talk to ANYONE anymore, okay? I post my shit online and hope that people keep themselves updated
FieryGwenivere: the fab five gets nothing out of me
FieryGwenivere: Nick might here a little from time to time, but it's mostly bitching about Andrew, and I know you don't want to hear about that
Mark: I'll listen to anything you have to say about him, I just need to know it's coming.
Mark: I've given you all I can give. I can't force you to accept me as a friend or a confidant. my hand is outstretched. it's up to you to take it. I love you first and foremost as a friend. all else comes second. it always has.
FieryGwenivere: babe, I don't talk to people
FieryGwenivere: that has nothign to do with you
Mark: I don't want you to feel like people don't care about you. I'm sure more people than just myself have more than a slight interest in you.
FieryGwenivere: I know that people care about me
FieryGwenivere: I just can't feel it
Mark: if you can't talk to people you can't, but I haven't seen you really try with me lately either.
FieryGwenivere: how would you know?
Mark: and you do feel it, that entry you wrote about love the other day is a testament to that
FieryGwenivere: ...which entry about love?
Mark: a few days back, the one about all kinds of love, the one with a mention of me.
FieryGwenivere: hold on
FieryGwenivere: okay, the whole point of that thing was talking about how I don't feel loved
FieryGwenivere: anymore
FieryGwenivere: go back and read it if you have to,
Mark: you don't know how to accept being loved.
FieryGwenivere: oh, do tell
Mark: can you honestly say you are at ease with love?
FieryGwenivere: .......I'm not at ease with anything
Mark: and I'm noticing that the people you love tend to stay on the fringes of your life. that even though they may love you they are on the outside
FieryGwenivere: ....that's not even remotely true
FieryGwenivere: I love emily, she's always there
FieryGwenivere: I love andrew, I see him all the time
FieryGwenivere: I love nick, I see him a lot
FieryGwenivere: I love Jeff, I've seen him every week up until recently
Mark: yet do you give as much to them as you really could?
FieryGwenivere: I give jeff EVERYTHING I AM
FieryGwenivere: aside from that....probably not. But I'd give them more if they were in Jeff's spot. they just aren't
FieryGwenivere: I do a hell of a lot for everyone
FieryGwenivere: I used to practically nurse jeremey to life three or four times a week
Mark: and lately he's been turning you away. haven't seen him recently, ditched the concert thing on you. must have hurt.
FieryGwenivere: what is your point?
Mark: that even though he seemingly is right there all the time perhaps it's not as close as the surface seems
Mark: you keep love at a bit of a distance
FieryGwenivere: no, Id on't
FieryGwenivere: I would give jeff all the time in the world, but he's got another life, so do I
Mark: you degrade em frequently online
Mark: and rich kid..... some of that stuff, ouch
FieryGwenivere: Emily knows I'd die for her
Mark: she may know it, but does she really know it? or feel it with all her heart?
Mark: I'd give my life for you in an instant. you know that but what does it mean?
FieryGwenivere: .......ask emily if she knows it. go ahead.
Mark: no one ever truly knows it. not with all their being. we all keep love a little off to the side. it keeps us safer than we would otherwise be.
FieryGwenivere: then WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR POINT?
Mark: well, you do seem perfectly capable of talking about your life.
FieryGwenivere: ...what?
Mark: you realize this entire time we've been talking about your life, the connections within it, and the emotions therein.
FieryGwenivere: hahahahahhahaha! You are such a flaming idiot!
FieryGwenivere: you went through that whole thing, realized you had no point, and tried to make it look like a trick so that you wouldnt' come out seeming as dumb as you are
Mark: you can believe what you want. you said earlier you didn't talk to people anymore yet that's what you've been doing
FieryGwenivere: I can talk about my life, I just DON"T because I realized I was sick and tired of hearing my own voice bitch, a realization that SOME PEOPLE should work a lot harder at getting to. So I got back into writing, put it online, and now I can let all my friends in at the same time and not have to worry about them having to hear anything they don't want to. I could tell you a whole shitload of stuff, but I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to, because all it's going to do is give you yet another oppurtunity to play the hero as if I still need one, which I don't. All it's going to do is let you show me that you're still there to be whatever I need or even want a little so that you can continue believing that if you keep treating me real well, we'll be magically back together. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
FieryGwenivere: I don't talk about shit because once I write it, it's either resolved or it's something I want to deal with in my own way. And when my own way involves you or anyone else, I let you or anyone else know about it
Mark: you know something girl, lately my thoughts have been places other than you. it's not about getting you back. if you can't hack someone being a friend that's your problem
Mark: I don't do anything for you I haven't done for my other friends
FieryGwenivere: Maybe they want it, but all you've done right now is tried to convince me that I don't love the five most important people in my life as much as I do. If that's how you help your "Friends", it's a small wonder that you're constantly telling me I
FieryGwenivere: m your only one
Mark: you're the only one I feel completely at home with. I have other friends. others I've done more for than I have for you but you've been the safe haven for me. especially when I"m home
FieryGwenivere: fine.
FieryGwenivere: Don't you EVER insinuate that jeff isn't the amazing person that he is, EVER. He has done more for me than anyone, simply because I believe in him the way I believe in no one else, and if you ever so much as say his name with the wrong expression on your fucking face, I will rip you a new asshole, and it won't be online next time. I love him more than anything.
Mark: at any rate I'm leaving. I'm tired of this.
Mark signed off at 11:54:43 PM.


Not enough degradation in there for ya? Want to see more....ah, fuck, no point, I'm too tired, and he's probably already crying.


My name is Linda, and you NEVER want to say anything remotely insulting about the fab five or what I'd give for them to me. I'll make you regret it. On with it.