I feel like fucking hell physically, the house I live in is in a constant state of dysphoria, I have to work harder every day to ignore the people I live with so that their psychoses leave mine alone, and apparently Chad's hurt. I want to help him....to do whatever on earth I could, but he and I have barely talked in months. And I can't pretend I have the energy to wait in front of this computer and wonder if he might want to talk when he comes back from being away.

I am wishing that I hadn't ever let the two of us grow apart- not that we were really close, but he helped me, a lot. I don't know if I used him up and spit him out or if his relationship with Kara caused him not to have the motivation to talk to other people, but it doesn't matter. I haven't made the effort with any of them.....the auburn boys. Not since the Jeremey shit.

I don't have the resources to be able to afford pushing people away anymore. I don't have the energy to fight tooth and nail for all the things that are falling apart. And right now I just want to lay down, and hope that Chad, or anyone, calls. It's been a while since I've been able to help someone. And I'm sick of feeling alone.

On with it.