Wednesday, January 09, 2002

Burning the midnight oil for him once again.

God damn, it's worth it.

I remember I used to stay up all night for Elorza, too. Almost every summer night we'd sit there and talk about nothing until our parents dragged us off of our respective computers. Life was amazing. The concept that I could be important to someone like him, the fact that I knew he was staying awake for me. Mark asked me once if any of it was worth staying up all night and I answered that the staying up all night was the part that was the thing that other things were worth- never the sacrifice, always the wonder. When school started again, things started to get bad between us, and I eventually had to make the choice between our waning relationship and my grades, social like, ability to function and overall happiness.....I chose all of the latter, but I think if he had given any slight amount of effort at that point, I would have known he was worth it.

This isn't to blame him for our demise, it was simply a bad time. Either way...that's the kind of stuff I don't have to question with Jeff. The effort and the affection and the beauty of the relationship is overt and constantly stated. I love him. Look at that. I just wrote it. If he were to read it, he would probably stop what he was doing just to concentrate on the idea that he loves me, too, so I might hear it. Or something like that.

I love Elorza, too. Clearly not the same way, but I do. He's wonderful. I'm afraid to tell him most of the time, because I know he doesn't love me. I'm not offended by this- he and seem to be on different wavelengths as far as love is concerned and so is everyone. But I'm afraid that he'll think I expect him to say it or....maybe sometimes I just want him to love me, if I'm going to be honest about it, but it's okay that he doesn't. I know he cares about me and it's better to know that kind of thing and never hear the L word than to hear the L word and have no indication whatsoever that someone actually care about you.

Jeremey, for instance, told me he loved me sometimes.

I'd managed to put him out of my mind until today, and today I just ended up talking about it again. I managed to supress things...I don't want to shed anymore tears for him, not for a while. But I thought about him, and expressed thought about him and the demise of our relationship for the first time in a while.

And, hey, to change the subject rapidly for a moment, it's like I burned the back of my hand or something, 'cept I didn't. It's bizarre!

Okay, I'm burning way too much midnight oil now, I have *grumble grumble* school in the morning. So I'm off.

On with it!