Saturday, February 09, 2002

I woke up today disturbed by one of the various sounds in my house and fought against them to stay in bed as long as possible. After a while, my father started practicing playing the guitar and singing- he had a gig tonight, as he does every saturday night, at the railroad tavern. I stand a statement I once wrote in the newsletter that my father's singing voice is the most beautiful I've ever heard. It's true.

I had had a dream last night that my family was in Disney World, and my mom and sister and the baby went off to do something, so my father and I spent the day together. He wanted to spend time with me, his little girl. It was the type of connection that I expect more well-adjusted families have in reality. Or maybe it was more of a TV show connection, but either was wonderful. I didn't think about it while I was laying in bed, listening to him sing, but later I was in the car with mom on the way to Wal*Mart and "Silver Springtime" came on- the version where the singer says "This is for you, Daddy" at the beginning. I thought about the dream, and I think that was the first time I realized it wasn't true, and I had to fight the tears. They've been coming entirely too easily lately.

We were going to Wal*Mart to buy a shirt so I could wear something new to the dance tonight. It was a great dance- I've been dancing in the shower so much lately that I was really in better shape for it than I had been for previous ones. The D.J. played a great variety and I got to dance with not just Ricky as normal, but also Johnny V. One depressing aspect- the D.J. played this weird Re-mix of...uhm...some song I can't think of right now that had a bunch of sound clips from news reports from September 11th. It was....really saddening. And they played "I'm Amazed" or "Baby I'm Amazed" or whatever- it made me think of Jeff, the way I usedf to think of him before we started dating- Ricky and I grabbed each other and went to the middle of the dance floor and I beamed through the whole thing as he and I loudly sang it off key, though for once I wasn't being off key in resentment of the couples around me, I just wanted to sing, and we all know how I sing. 'Cept those of you who don't.

My legs and feet are killing me after all of that. I sweat so much that, upon returning home, my body was begging me to replace the lost fat content of my body. I didn't disappoint it- I sat in the living room and ate the junk food I bought at Xtra Mart on the way home. My father was unloading his equipment. After he was finished, I looked at him and considered saying something that he didn't expect to hear but in general would want to from one of his daughters- "thank you for working to provide for us" or some shit. I came to the conclusion, though, that if I have to supplicate myself to him to get back the type of father I need to resolve the issues I have....I can't live with that. And I won't do it. I won't change who I am just so he'll love me.

Holy Shit, Em just made the quote of the day, it's fucking great, but it's really really insulting to a few people, so I can't put it up. I never posted yesterday's though, which was Jeff saying: (In response to my calling his penis his "member")

"I'm a prestigious club and this is my member."

It was in a really dumb voice, and there was about ten seconds of silence before he said "Holy shit, that was dumb" and we both started laughing forever. Last night, since I didn't mention it, was good.

Jeff has a roommate, Pete, and they never talk. Reportedly, the last words Jeff said to pete were "God Bless You" when Pete sneezed, and that was in December. Tonight, I came to the conclusion that Jeff and Pete's relationship vaguely reminds me of mine and my father's, except that I doubt that Jeff will be scarred for life in all of this.

Andrew and I just got into a rather large argument. Thought I'd mention that.

Chad's just IMed me. This pleases me. I want him to touch the end of my nose- it felt nice to not freak out when someone did that. I can't even touch it myself without going batty most of the time.

Another thing that pleases me is that my skin tastes very strongly of salt right now from the sweat residue on it. It's nice when one's skin varies it's flavor.

I'm sick of writing this, so I am going to stop. On with it!