Friday, May 23, 2003

Well, Mr. Ladd has managed to instill a certain confidence in me about this whole Chad coming home situation, on the plus side. On the minus side, it seems I immediately leap upon the bus of the newest insecurity-- or even the older, somewhat unresolved ones-- immediately after getting rid of one.

I haven't mentioned on this yet-- only to each and every one of you individually, I suspect-- that I have now inherited my Grandmother's engagement ring. I was nervous for a long time that it would be hideous, but it turns out it's beautiful, and fits my hand perfectly...except that looking down at it, I still get the sense that it's fake, that it's a commonplace ten dollar Wal*Mart ring that I'm wearing as a momentary fad instead of a valuable diamond that signifies the permanence of mine and Zack's relationship. Even with my disbelief as to it's genuinity, though, the pressure of it is bearing down on me. It would be one thing if Zack and I had gotten this ring on our own terms, but with an inherited ring comes a sense of responsibility: This ring was a token of the love of my grandmother and grandfather, who are now both laying in their graves, juxtaposed, and that creates quite a legacy to uphold. A lifetime of fidelity, trust, forgiveness and love. How can four words that sound like such good things become so frightening when combined with the word "lifetime"?

Still, for all the fear in the world, the idea of lying in my grave next to Zack makes death seem happier. If he and I are to die before we're married, somebody make sure we're buried together. Or, I dunno, burned together and spread throughout some common beautiful place. Or embalmed and made into a living display of our love-- two dead bodies, fucking eternally. Eeeeewwww.

"Oh, you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place
Each time a curtain opens, sunlight pours in, a lifetime melts away
And we share a name on some picturesque grave."
~Bright Eyes

That last line is so unexpectedly romantic. It's what got me thinking about the idea of that in the first place, how beautiful it would be.

I am flipping through some pictures I've recently taken. The film was supposed to be for prom, but stopping the action of prom to take pictures of people never ends up interesting, so I took a few before it happened and, the next night or so, I ended finishing up the roll with pictures of Zack. I managed to capture so much playful, gorgeous essence of him that's been lacking in pictures I've taken previously, I'm enamoured with this roll. My mom, looking through them and expecting to see more prom pictures than were there, commented, "You'd think there were no one in the world but Zack."

Yeah. That's pretty much it.

Ben, today, apologized for the way he and I have been interacting lately, and for the way he's been unsupportive of mine and Zack's relationship. I should have shared in more of the blame, thinking back on it-- I first told Ben about my engagement when I was still engulfed in overwhelming doubt, and I confided in him, above every else, about how likely I thought we were to break up before marraige. Because Ben seemed the one to tell, back then. But some combination of my hopeful love life and his disasterous one has pushed us opposite directions as far as a life outlook is concerned, and this has made things difficult for us. I can't speak for him, but it was enormously hurtful for spare details, I'm glad it's over. I have to thank him for being willing to be the one to apologize. This start towards he and I rekindling the kind of chemistry we used to have...minus the, uh, gratuitous sexual advances, was the little victory I needed today, and it came on unexpectedly.

Almost too unexpectedly to be fueled by his unprompted remorse, I suspected, so I asked Casey if he had anything to do with it. His response was "I might have." I don't know if this meant that, yes, he had talked to Ben, but he didn't want to admit it completely or that he honestly wasn't sure, but I got a real sense that he was, once again, working to preserve my feelings. And this makes me feel.....oh, man. I love Casey. A fucking lot.

And I love Ben. That's worth mention, too. They really don't make them anywhere else in the world like they do in Auburn.

That should be on their town signs. "Welcome to Auburn, Maine: We have wonderful boys!"

Hmmmm....86 that.

Outright prom tomorrow, EL prom sunday. I'm attending the latter with Casey. That has me thrilled....while there's nothing like being with Zack under any circumstances, Lisbon's prom this year was rather dissapointing, as ever. And while I don't vy for this year to be anything like last year-- in the infidelity department, especially-- I can't wait to walk into the hall on Casey's arm. Everyone, by now, is well aware of my little extra-marital crush on Casey, and while I still insist that nothing will happen between us, I'm endlessly glad with the fact that Zack's okay with the type of relationship that we have. Because whether or not I could give him up for Zack-- which is debatable-- I really, really don't want to give him up for anything.

Serena and I were just planning our outfit for tomorrow's outright prom, which is an alternative liftestyles prom, if you're wondering. Looks like I may be combining some lingerie I have with a plaid skirt and white shirt, some thigh-highs and tall "fuck me...if I weren't engaged" boots, and go for the dirty catholic schoolgirl motif. And while I shall remain absolutely "good" at all times, I'm-a gonna have me some fun tomorrow. Yee-haw.

My name is Linda, and I've been very, very bad. On with it.