"They will detail their pain
In some standard refrain.
They will recite their sadness
Like it's some kind of contest.
Well, if it is, I think I am winning it,
All beaming with confidence
as I make my final lap.
The gold medal gleams
so hang it around my neck
cause I am deserving it:
the champion of idiots.

But a kid carries his walkman on that long bus ride to Omaha.
I know a girl who cries when she practices violin.
Cause each note sounds so pure, it just cuts into her,
and then the melody comes pouring out her eyes.
Now to me, everything else, it just sounds like a lie."
~Bright Eyes, "Going for the Gold"

I hadn't bothered with this band for a while. I was infatuated for a while, then I just sort of let it be. I think I'm in a state of mind where I can get into them again, lately. Things seem to be awkward for me, right now.

And maybe I'll make great strides on that CD I want to make, with all the most depressing songs on it. And if I could stop for a moment to think of anyone but me, I could be writing great poetry.

And if I weren't so afraid that this computer would have a hiccup and delete all my thoughts and emotions, this page would have been filled to the brim with new posts. For all the people who strangely, unexpectedly, have been showing support for this thing lately.

Elorza and Casey and Christina, from Arby's, who set me off on one of my mind-bending emotional fests yesterday, by making quite the public spectacle of Zack's scarred ways, at least in my mind. Which seems...hatefully ironic, as I sit here writing about the event itself, fighting between my remorselesness and my remorse of my remorselessness.

I am scared, lately, that Chad's coming home for the summer is going to uncover some horrible truth about mine and Zack's relationship. I am scared that my insecurities will get the better of me, as they seem to have done repeatedly as of late. I am scared that if I remedy my insecurity, my reliance on certain people-- Zack especially-- will decrease, and therefore my love of them will change and become less...crucial and all-consuming, I guess. I am scared that if I do not act on this problem of insecurity, it will keep getting worse, and I will die of it. I am scared I will have more nights like tonight.

I am scared that if I do try to fix my insecurities, I may find myself faced with an insurmountable problem. I am scared that if it seems I cannot fix it any other way, I will be tempted to go back to the way it was, before Zack and, previousy, Chad's attentions awoke me to the part of myself that needs to be treated like a porcelain doll. I am scared of needing to be treated like a porcelain doll.

And I want to know where my strength left, and concerned that my love of Zack has changed me so profoundly. And I want to know where, in my life, that makes room for people like Casey, who do not treat me with any particular gentility, but not without tremedous love. And I want to know where my mind went, and how much of all my issues as of late come from the sexual abuse in my past.

And I want to know what's going to become of me when I finally face that.

On with it.